Just took my last 2 oxycodone 10/325

[nike123456]

Just popped my last 2 pills.  I am so scared about tomm :(  I been down this road a few times and know the next 5 days will be hell :(  but i finally know i need to let this drug go.  its starting to affect my family live, especially my relationship with my amazing wife.  She knows I take the pills but has no idea i been abusing  them :(  I've become a monster and i feel like I am going to lose her and my 3 beautiful kids.  I've been emotionally and mentally abusive towards her.  I been crying all day and feel like a dog for mistreating her so badly.  I pray GOD gives me the strength and courage to face this and JUST LET THESE PILLS GO.  

Been taking 8-10 pills a day for 12 months :(  

[stilltrying1965]

Congrats you deserve it. Lowing to your wife is not fair coz I used to do the same to my wife lie lie lie. They don't desserve that my friend. You keep going in the positive manner you will win your war against the deamon. God bless and keep up the great job you are doing. W T G be proude buddie

[Loverfly14]

Thank you.. Just thank you... Amazing! So very proud of you and happy for your family.. I can not wait for my months.. But I think the same way. Forgive n forget it. Move on without it being a hasty reminder of my weakest moment in my adulthood! Just thank you...  

[clean_in_ks]

You said, "Lots of ppl might wonder why i stopped going to the meetings or why i stopped counting days.  Well,  my explanation is simple.  I was an addict and now I am not."

Counting our days clean is different for each one of us.  If counting them seems to YOU like you are just counting the days until you take your next pill, then I can see why you wouldn't want to.  But for me, it's rewarding.
  
Same way with meetings, for some, who actually work the steps, and share in meetings how they face life's daily challenges without their drug of choice, then it's about growing and giving back and helping others....not just talking about drugs.  But if it's a trigger for you, then do what works for YOU.  We each have to find what works for us personally.

The REAL red flag I read in your latest post above is that you don't think you're an addict anymore.  Perhaps it's possible you are unaware of how our brain chemistry changes once we abuse pain meds.
I went back and read your first posts when you were only addicted to hydros, and then your first battle with percs, then your second battle with percs.  It was suggested by other forum members that you get some counseling for your health anxieties that have plagued you since you were a child.  And others suggested you come up with a plan for dealing with your back pain should it flare up again.  We can put our disease of addiction into remission, but we are never "cured".  If we have that mind set, then it leaves a door open to take them again.  Because if we don't see ourselves as recovering addicts....and say "I'm not an addict anymore", then it's easy (some day) to think we can take pills again like non-addicts do.....and our brain chemistry ISN'T like non-addicts.
4 Months is GREAT to be clean and free!!  I congratulate you....I just wanted to share some red flags I read because once we get feeling better, we can become complacent and vulnerable.
I think it's great that you have put your faith in God, but remember, we STILL have to do the foot work~

[nike123456]

Thanks Vickie and Clean_in_ks,

Lots of ppl might wonder why i stopped going to the meetings or why i stopped counting days.  Well,  my explanation is simple.  I was an addict and now I am not.  I hate when ppl use the words recovering addict.  Yes, i was and addict and yes i recovered so i do not consider myself a recovering addict.  I dont even want to remember those days of my life.  I have completely moved passed that and dont talk about it anymore.  Meetings are good but all you talking about is your addiction or pass addiction.  Tough to let go when you are always talking about the same topic 24/7.  Its like breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend...how do you really get over that person???  basically forgetting about them...yes it takes time, but eventually you stop talking about it or even mentioning it.  counting days is basically counting how many days until you pop your next pill.  Early on back in june I talked to my pastor about my problem and he told me to just let go.  Put your faith in GOD and stop counting days and stop complaining about how hard this is or muscle pains or and other withdrawal symptom.  He said Imagine Jesus Christ was pinned to the cross and knew he was going to die for all of our sins and he did not complain not once.  JUST STOP TAKING THE PILLS AND GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.  basically what I did and I have to tell you it worked the best for me.  and I hope and pray it works for everybody on this forum because i know first hand the destruction these pills can cause.  Its so funny I dont even have any back pain and til this day pain management dr office are calling to schedule appointments.  Its a shame how easy you can walk out with 180pills and pay $30 for them.  You can all do this and you can all get pass this hell and emotional nightmare.  

[VICourageous]

WOW!
You should take this new reply of yours, giving us a update, and put it out front. This reply was SO inspiring. What a ways you have gone and grown.

I am Very Happy for YOU!

Bless
Vickie

[clean_in_ks]

Well look at YOU!!  A HUGE congrats on your 120 DAYS!!!

I have a framed poster (pencil sketch artist) in my bedroom with a guy on his knees....and it says "First Things First".....sounds like you know how to START your day and how to END your day.

Keep your guard up or your armor on.....you sound truly wonderful!
Thanks for coming back to update us~

[nike123456]

Hey Friends,

sorry i disappeared, but i had a really busy summer.  I took the time out to count my Clean days.  I stopped counting after 60 day.  WOW today is day 120.  Damn I'm the man!!!  I cant even start to explain what a wonderful and amazing feeling this is.  I did meeting for 4 weeks and stopped.  I just wake up every morning and first thing I do is get on my knees and thank GOD for all he has done for me and Pray to keep me and my family healthy.  And the last thing I do is get on my knees and Thank GOD for a wonderful Day and to keep me strong so i can take care of my wife and my 3 kids and I go to bed.  I stopped counting days because i started to read the bible and started to go to church.  The meetings were great at first, but i felt like i need to forget that part of my life and stop rehashing it every single day.  GOD and the belief he truly loves me and wants whats best for me really helped me get thru this.  I am not perfect, but i am very confident in myself to say i have come a long way.  Best of Luck to all.  

[gnarly_1]

Hey Nike  good to see you great to see you clean  your off to a great start  im also happy your going to get to a meeting....it is the single best thing you can do for long term recovery....dont be aprehensive about the meeting  for the first time in your life you can share your ''dirty little secret''....this will give you a place to share with others that will understand what your going threw  you will be welcome with a hug and just in time to pick up your 30 day keytag  with time you will get a collection of them...your recovery has been progressing great  alot of it has been your overwhelming  positive attitude thanks for being part of my recovery  keep posting for support....ooo and please post your feelings about the meeting a lot of people will be lissinig...........Gnarly

[nike123456]

Hey Guys,

Makes me happy that my story is helping so many ppl.  Lannspr, I am feeling great and have more energy every single day.  Its amazing how your body has the power to recover.  1 hell of a machine GOD has put together :):):)
Almost 30 days clean and feeling great!  Tuesday will be my first meeting.  I have to say i am feeling anxious about it.  1 thing to hide behind a computer and share you story, but actually facing ppl out in the open should be interesting :(

damn if i can make it thru withdrawals, what a little public humiliation :) LOL LOL LOL

GOD it feel good to laugh...i cried so much i forgot how great it feels to be happy.

to all the newbies,

free yourselves of this wicked cycle that will destroy you.  dont be scared of withdrawals...just take it 1 day at a time.  pray a lot and surround yourselves with positive energy and ppl who really care and love you.  

Be back soon.

[pillguy]

Read all your posts.  Great to see another one of us getting paroled from pill hell.  Nicely done!!

[Tina6444]

Nike I just wanted to say congratulations!! 27 days?!??? Impressive sir!! Your posting was so and still is so influential on me. I thank you for your willpower and strength because it has helped me get one day further in my journey.  You have worked hard !

[jlannspr]

How are you doing?

[qpatty]

I am soooo proud of you. Your story will be an inspiration to so many.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Fantastic!!! I am on Day 12 and remember being on Day 2 and thinking I was going to die. Immediate goal for me now is TODAY!!!!! I know day 15, 20, 30, and 60 are going to happen now. Thanks for the post. It helps me to know we CAN do this. Stay strong and good luck with blood work. Keep us updated. Always love.

[nike123456]

Day 27 :) WOW its crazy even say that.  I never in my mind thought i would make it this far.  Anxiety lingering, but i has all my energy back and all the pains and aches are gone.  The last 27 days started out like hell, but have turned into the most positive and happy days of my life. I dont even worry about my health as much anymore.  schedule to see general dr this monday just to make sure all my blood work is good.  Hoping and praying that the pills did not mess with my liver.  Best of luck ppl.  sorry i dont post as much as i should. been busy with family and work.  i will make a better effort to keep all the positive energy flowing.  PEACE ppl

[nike123456]

Man you are so right.  On the pill I could never finish and it would frustrate my wife because she was working so hard for me to finish.  What a mess man.  All I wanted to do was get high and passout.  What a horrible feeling man.  Things are slowly getting back to normal and I finally enjoy being out with my family.  My old son started soccer last week and it has helped me tremendously.  **** the pill ppl it is a slow cancer that will bring you to your knees sooner than later.  Good night ppl. Love and best of luck to all :):):)

[Jerry198]

NIKE I have followed you this whole time you were like text book super attitude and truthful !! glad you are on the way to freedom and that many people cruising this site for help know that IT can happen for them to!! the story that Gnarly told was so home for me I lied to my PCP for so long that I started to believe that all my broken stuff really hurt I should have gotten an award for greatest act..... Just wanted to mention that when we are strung out on these pills we loose more that we think such as our kids if you have them plus friends along the way maybe even careers but the one thing we loose is sex drive for years I would take Viagra even if it gave me HUGE headache just to perform but now all I think of is my wife sex is not planned around those pills but much of the moment and the best part is if I ever ever slip up again and hide this from my wife I told here if the sex is gone for some reason I'm back on the pills so hit me in the head with a hammer.

Your the man keep it up !!!!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Nike  good to see you post  great to see you clean....I to was a doctors junkie  when I was at it they did not have all the pharmcy linked up yet and told myself that if I could just get one more script I wouldent run out early  then 2 more scripts  so in the end when this disease brought me to my knees I was getting 3 scripts for 3 different pain meds from 3 doctors and going to 3 pharmacy's  enough to get you thrown in jail these days  but it also brought home the saying that 1 is to many and a 1000 is never enough  you know you have a serios problem when your still running out of pills with 3 doctors involved God the insanity of it  im amassed im alive to tell about it  keep posting your story it brings inspiration to those still in the jaws of it time to put some forum of aftercare into it I always recamend N/A  congrats on breaking free......Gnarly

[nike123456]

i sure hope my post helps a lot of ppl.  it sure helped me when i was reading others ppl post.  its just a great me to NOT wake up and run to the pill.  My dr office even called my yesterday to reschedule the appt i cancelled.  told them my back was much better and i did not need to see the dr.  Not to blame the dr because blame myself for everything because i caused my own pain and addiction, but it really is easy to legally get these pills.  i think a large amount of ppl suffering from pain exaggerate pain level just to get the pills.  i was one of those ppl. I had it down to a science.  I knew exactly what to day and exactly how to act when my dr pulled pushed and examined my back and leg.  told him i had hip pain which was complete bs.  told him my feet and leg was numb.  all bs just to get the script.  but not every herniated disc cause severe pain that you need to be on percs.  but once you get a taste of the pill its very hard to step away from it.  espically 180 a month.  that a lot of percs...enough to start a serious addiction.  pain or no pain 180 pills a month for 3 years is very addicting.  it impossible not to get addicted to them.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Fantastic Nike, True inspiration to us still back at Day 4,5,6,7. Thanks for the post and stay strong.

[jlannspr]

Wow, I can feel your passion and positivity in that post! People don't understand how much of a fog that the pills put in our life. We move like robots, overwhelmed with when and how to get more pills. You sound alive and vibrant. I pray you never ever return to that dark place. I have a 1.5 year old daughter who I get to show real true affection to without pills and a fake energy...It's wonderful.

I hope your posts touches others as it has me.

[nike123456]

day 20 ppl :)

thanks for all support.  I cant believe i made it to day 20.  How never thought 20 days could ever seem like 10 years.  Feeling awesome ppl.  Gnarly,  I think your right its time for some meetings.  I have a busy day today so my wife said she will research and find something near the house.  Lots of ups and downs in 20 days but i feel GREAT.  Been spending some real quality time with the family...especially my 2 amazing BOYS.  and my 1 year old daughter that i kiss and eat up all night long.  she is amazing.  I've spent more time with her in 20 days then i every have in 1 year :( sad but that part is over :)

plus my amazing wife has been with me every step of the way.  She says im back to the person i was 8 years ago when we met :):) and the sex and passion is BACK love it and lover her to the moon and back.

stay strong ppl focus
1 day at a time.  come on 30 days

[Tina6444]

Thank you nike. I am looking back the past several years and am wondering WHAT i was doing!!! Not living indeed.  So impressed with you and your willpower. Congratulations:)

[gnarly_1]

Hey Nike  good to see you great to see you clean  keep pushing forward your off to a great start  time to start hitting the meetings  the mental part is a life long fight  N/A will give you the tools to win
.....................................Gnarly........................................