Just wanted to get this out....

[Tortured34]

I want to start by saying that i hope this is the roght place to post this....i dont have a question, i just wanted tl share my story.  If there is a more appropriate place to post this let let me know.
This is the first time I have ever "talked" about any of this, but after reading everyone's posts I feel like this is a safe and understanding place to "expose" myself. To give a little background on myself, I am 34 year old mother of one (2 1/2 yr old), and wife.  I have a wonderful husband and family but they know NOTHING of my addiction.  I can't even imagine telling my husband, or anyone else really, so finding this forum has been amazing.  My DOC is oxy, but I have pretty much taken every opiate, except for herion.  I took my first perc almost ten years ago. I had a minor surgery, was prescribed percocet and LOVED how it made me feel. I had always struggled with depression and anxiety so when I took that first pill and it made those feelings disappear it was such a relief! It felt like a breath a fresh air and such a weight to not be carrying around my sadness! Ever since then i have struggled with wanting to take them all the time.   For the first 5 years I used on and off (mostly on, but I was able to stop for days at a time without absolutely losing my ****). The last 5 years has been daily use.  I take between 100-150mg of oxy/day (so scary for me to write this). Like most people on here the thought of quitting is terrifying. I feel like I need them
to find any happiness and even to just perform the most basic of daily tasks. Over 5 years I haven't gone more
than 3 days ever without taking them. When I do run out I am paralyzed by the sadness/depression.  I know that detox is just the beginning to my recovery and I think that is what scares me the most.  The overwhelming sadness and anxiety that withdrawals bring are unbearable and from what I have read that seems to stick around for quite a while. I guess I know that it has to eventually get better but enduring that kind of depression is going to be the hardest part.  I hate what I have done to myself. A big part of my shame is that my addiction is so selfish! It didn't start with physical pain, I took them because I loved the way it made me feel.  I have a blessed life and a wonderful family but I can't enjoy it because I am consumed by this addiction. It's all I think about at this point. Between feeling like an awful mother and wife, and worrying about how and when I will be able to get more, there is no room in my thoughts to think about other people and that makes me feel awful. I want to be a good person, I want to be a good mother and wife, but I just can't seem to get this demon off of me.  I want to be done with this so badly, yet the thought of waking up and getting out of bed without my oxy seems unbearable.  I was reading another post tonight that was talking about when you go off of them you go through a grieving process and feel like you lost your best friend. That sums up my relationship with oxy-my best friend.
Anyway, getting this out is such a good feeling but it's also very draining for me (I feel crazy emotional writing this and can't seem to stop crying). Looking back over the last ten years makes me feel like such a pathetic and weak person. Ugh, this is difficult.
So, that's basically my story. I am inspired by all the posts I read and I know that when I get enough courage to take the next step this forum will be a big help.
Thanks for listening...

[ImDONENoMore]

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to get caught or be forced to quit - that is why my screen name read "ImDONENoMore" - I decided it was TIME.  And no one can decide that for you except YOU.  But please, I really think for your taper to be successful you will have to be accountable to SOMEONE.  Please give that some real thought.  I will continue to wish you well!  :)

[dwbson]

Consider that your husband's father being an addict has prepared him for what he needs to help you. My husband is a physician and I had to tell him that I took pills from his office! That was the shame that brought me to the place to stop. I told him and he said I forgive you, then he took the next two days off to help me get started on my cold turkey journey. I couldn't wean off. I didn't have the self-will. I also continued to take out of boredom and feeling normal. At this point, they have nothing else to offer you, but harm and financial ruin. You are not a bad person. These little demons have taken over you. Please see a doctor about an antidepressant or try the St John's Wort. It seems you have an underlying, untreated depression. You may need to get that going before you stop. Telling is not fearful, it's courageous!

[udoschoices]

as the sayings go, "our secrets keep us sick". you would be surprised at the support you will most likely get from just being honest. Yes, its hard - but isn't hiding everything wearing on you and just as hard if not harder living the lies?  We have all been in your shoes, and i for one can tell you that coming clean is such a weight off of your back you have no idea. It will help you to get clean also knowing that you have to be accountable to someone. Trust me. You need the support, and if he is a truly loving and understanding husband, i doubt he will judge you or blame you. Just let him know how hard it is and how you feel bad but you can't hide it from him because you love him and need his support.

Another thing you hear a lot of is to go to a meeting. Find an AA meeting in your area- there are many - and just because it says "alcohol" and you like pills dont let that come into play. Just go and listen and you will hear so many people just like you struggling with the same thing - or better yet, you will hear people NOT struggling who got clean and how great their lives are now that they are clean. Even better - if you DO speak up and tell people your fears and where you are, you will be amazed at the outpouring of love and support you will get from strangers. You will get hugs, phone numbers, support, and everything you would never expect. Trust me, i'm a big burly guy and i got misty-eyed when people hugged me telling me they love me and they understand and they are here for me. It really is what you need.

I wish you all the best, we are all in the same boat - i struggle every day just like you and i'm doing everything i can in my power to stop and stay clean, just wanted to share what seems to help me and others.

And yes - having your husband managing your taper will show him you trust him and need his help and also involved him in your recovery / clean plans. I know it sounds scary, but i (and others here) really think that is the best plan of action. If he is a good man he will stand by you and understand, especially if you communicate how you arent out just looking for a high or "checking out" but got to the point where needing to just function.

hang in there, and god bless you

[Tortured34]

Thank you, sudie58 and GMcp. I appreciate the understanding more than you know. Actually, sudie58, a letter sounds like a great idea. I can't even believe that I am even toying with the notion of telling him. But, I don't know if I can do this without more support.  This ***** to say the least and I have no to blame but me. I really don't know what it is going to take to get me to take that jump but way I don't want to happen is to be forced to stop because I was caught or found out. I guess I sorta feel like I am waiting for something to give me the courage to do this, but I also know that I will be waiting forever if I continue that way. I want to be the one in control. The one who says "I have had enough", and I want to feel proud of myself again. I will be so proud of myself if I pull this off. My plan, which I will start on April 1st is to wean down over a 60 day period and hopefully lessen some of the withdrawal symptoms before I stop all together.  Hopefully keeping up with posting I will feel some sort of accountability to stick with it. Oh god, I don't know anymore! I don't know how this time will be different but it needs to be. This will be my first "real" attempt at stopping. I have tried before but I think I always, in the back of my mind, knew I wouldn't stop for any length of time. Anyway, thanks for all the kind and encouraging words. I look forward to reading each and every post so THANK YOU!

[GMcp]

wow, i feel ya hun!
it is so hard, i am so scarred to come off of them to, mostly because i "think"i need them to survive, emotionally and painlessly, what i have learnt from these forums, is it CAN be done, and im glad i decided to get involved with the people on here before i decide to let the pills go, just reading everybody's posts, gives me hope, and i need that hope, so when it is my time i feel i will do alot better in my recovery than if i hadn't been reading from these amazing people. its gona be ok :)
xoxo

[sudie58]

i really feel for you, like your caught in a horrible trap, and its very lonely, i was terrified of telling my husband, but he would have certainly noticed my withdrawal, i wrote to him , i put it all in a letter, poured my heart out, then hid in the bedroom while he read it,(not very grown up, i know) but he was very kind about it and the relief was unbelievable!, i really wish you well,    

[dedicatedtostop]

first off welcome. It takes alot of courage to 'get that out", I beleive that was your first step.

I am much like you, a mother of 2 wonderful little girls and a wonderful spouse and a very fortunate lifestyle. I started taking Lortab for a herniated disc and throughout the years the usage spun out of control, at that point I made the decesion to stop! yes it was that hardest thing I have ever been through but it was worth every minute of it to get where I was. I say was because I took 1 just 1 6 months ago and needless to say here I am again.. Anyways, I am on day 5, and I look at my children with so much joy now, dont get me wrong I love them with all of my heart but it is just a different feeling. This can be done if you WANT it bad enough. And this forum will hold your hand the entire way through. I do however feel like when you make that step you need to tell your husband. You stated you have a wonderful family and if so than he will understand and stand by you. This is my own personal opinion but I could not imagine going through detox taking care of my children and my spouse not knowing. He needs to be able to understand what you will be going through. I know it is hard but I promise you it will be the best decesion you will ever make. I too was overiden w constant guilt, it feels great when that feeling is gone. You have taken the first step by posting here, the rest is up to you. You CAN do it! Everyone here has been through the exact same thing. As a very wise person on this forum told me(shout out to Sara)... the only result of continuing to use these pills is death. I can tell by your post that your family means more. Stay strong and stay w us

[ImDONENoMore]

I started taking St. John's wort about a week after I quit and I know it was because of that that I experienced no depression.  Yes, I was sad for a while, but it wasn't real "depression".  Just a loss of sort - like mourning the loss of your best friend.  And I'm glad to hear that you recognize the pitfalls of a taper, and also glad to hear you're considering telling your husband.  My husband was HUGE in my recovery and yes, I too feared how he was going to see me down the road and would he always be "checking" on me to make sure I hadn't gone back to the pills.  But I found that with time came strength and the stronger I became, the less I worried about that.  My husband no longer worries every time I leave the house - and that has been a HUGE relief for me.  It took time, don't get me wrong, but it was worth every second of those agonizing days.  In fact, I think my husband respects me MORE now because he saw what a huge battle it was for me and that I made it through.  So in the end, it became a positive thing.  May be hard to imagine that now, but it did happen, at least, it did for me.

And the added benefit of telling your husband is that perhaps HE can be in charge of giving you those pills during your taper, if that's the way you choose to do this.  But I have to say, it is POSSIBLE to quit cold turkey, and there are all kinds of remedies to deal with withdrawal that are very helpful and were huge in my recovery.  Just wanted to give you the positive things to think about here - because there are HUNDREDS!  :)

[Tortured34]

Thank you so much Sara. I read all of your posts and you are an inspiration. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will continue to post.

[Tortured34]

Thank you so much for your words. Yes, I would be the only one accountable for my taper. And from what I I've read and what u just said that is a recipe for failure. But, I don't feel like there is another way.  I won't go to a doctor and discuss this (as my husband is in the medical field) and so I feel like I'm going to just have to dig my heels in and be strong. I read on someones post that they would put their dose in an envelope for the day and when they were out for the day they were out. I know that I will easily be able to tell myself "I'll just take one from my dose tomorrow and I will just have to take less tom).  It's like I have two voices in my head...the one that justifies taking more and the one that knows exactly what I am doing and want to STOP. I do fantasize about telling my husband.  All it would take is 6 easy words ( i am addicted to pain pills), but then I start to think about how that knowledge would affect how he thought of me and how for the rest of my life he would be watching me to make sure I never took another one. That scares me. I can't think that I will never take another one again.  
Also, to dwbson- I'm not on an anti-depressant right now. I have tried at least 8 different ones and they don't ever really seem to work. Cymbalta I noticed the biggest difference on but I am so worried about the damage I have done to my organs that I decided to stop. Although, I am not sure how valid my concern is. I mostly always take oxy (so no tylenol) and I am not sure how much damage happens by just taking the opiate. I am ready to start something else though (another anti depressant) and maybe that will help with the depression when I start the ween down.
Thanks to anyone reading this. It feels good to get this out, so thank you!

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  As you have already seen there is alot of support here.  99.9% of us have been in your shoes so we understand every emotion you are feeling.  You dont have to be a prisoner to these anymore.  The pills gives us a false sense of security.  There will come a time when you will talk with your husband and tell him what is going on.  It is very important at some point to do that as our secrets keep us sick.  We also encourage everyone to get some type of recovery care as using is only a symptom of what is going on.  You are a good person, a good wife and a good momma and someday you will see that.  Dont be afraid of getting off these pills, be more afraid of staying on them.  There is no happy ending with these.  Stick around here as we will support you~~~sara

[sudie58]

hi, i was just going to write where are you getting them, ? these drugs you take are not making you happy though, you are ashamed, upset, feel terrible guilt, you cant enjoy your lovely life because your consumed by the addiction,you feel an awful moher and wife, your emotional  and weak, these are your words, you deservesomuch more than this, you have an illness called addiction, you didnt ask for it, every time you buy more you feel eaten up with guilt , and they dont even work any more ,just make you feel normal, i do understand how awful it all seems, but it can end i promise you that, dont let fear frighten you from stopping, lots of folks on here can guide you, and have been exactly where you are, including myself, i really wish you well, keep posting, god bless,

[ImDONENoMore]

It's okay tortured as we all understand the shame associated with this.  And I do respect your decision to taper off - my only concern there is who will be in charge of doling these pills out to you as you wean?  You right?  And that's why I'm concerned.  I often thought I could taper off, or wean down, only I had only myself to answer to.  And that was the problem.  I could ALWAYS convince myself to take just one more, or two, and start the process again the next day.  Only that never worked.  Now this is just me, but I have read so many stories here of others who have failed with this process.  Okay, I just wanted to mention that.

And I get that you're too ashamed to come clean to your husband.  And of course, I have a concern about that too.  I can tell you that it wasn't until I came clean to my husband that I really had someone else, someone I could TRUST since I could no longer trust myself, to hold me accountable.  Since being here, I have realized that my secret kept me sick.  So that's just another thing I want you to think about.

And the only other thing I can say is PLEASE stop beating yourself up here.  You are TRYING to get better, and addiction, it's a sneaky and non-discrimatory disease.  Meaning it can affect ANYONE from all walks of life, so please try to remember that.  In the next few months, you are going to have to become your own BEST friend, and that means, treating yourself like you would your very favorite person in the world.  You deserve a better existence, a better life, a better relationship with your loved ones.  You truly do.  You did not ASK to become an addict, it just happened, like it has with so many of us here.  And now that it has, all you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin to move forward.

Let me know what you think.  We'll be here for you all the way.  :)

[Tortured34]

Also, I have not been obtaining these from a dr. I get them by other means, which is a whole other part of my shame. I am constantly juggling things to hide the money I spend .  I spend an incredible amount of money on these per month and it is just not sustainable. I am in charge of our finances. My trusting and loving husband is always thanking me for doing this and I cringe whenever he says thank you for dealing with all the bills and stuff. I'm a stay at home mom right now and he works very hard to support us. If he only knew I was spending so much he would be shocked. Not to mention that I am putting myself an my family at risk by getting them illegally. I can't believe I am exposing all of this (and online too!). I would be mortified if the people in my life knew about this, so I'm just going to have to get through this on my own (and help from all of you).  It just seems so overwhelming to think about a life without these pills. I need to just focus one day or hour at a time and not focus on the fact that one day I will free from this.

[Tortured34]

Thanks for the quick responses. At this point I am still using daily. I truly don't feel high anymore when I take them, just "normal".  I want this out of my life so bad but I just don't know how to get through that first month without focusing 100% on it and I can't really do that. I have a child to take care of and really, really feel like I can't share this with husband. I actually think he would understand and help me but I can't bear to disappoint him like that. He recently lost his father who was also an addict. The guilt that I feel for lying to him is so strong. He doesn't deserve to be lied to.  And, he doesn't deserve to have another person disappoint him by abusing drugs and lying. I am a very functioning addict and no one in my life has any idea I use these. At this point I feel like I need them to do anything and when I don't have them (never have gone more than 3 days w/o) and can't get out of bed and claim to everyone that I am "sick".  I have a 2 1/2 yr old and she wakes up so happy and full of life.  It makes me feel so guilty that I have to pop a pill to feel like I can deal with life. She deserves so much better. I want to get off of these so bad and my plan is to wean down over the next couple of months.  In the last 5 years I haven't ever REALLy tried to get off. I have gone a few days and everytime I run out like that I feel very motivated to stop the first 24 hours. Then when the real withdrawals kick in I go crazy feeling like I need just "something".  My birthday is next week and I plan on using that day as my jump off point in weaning down.  I plan on dropping down to 90 mg the couple weeks and then keep dropping as my symptoms stabilize.  I'm just so afraid of failing. I would love to live a life were I wasn't dependent on a drug but I also really don't want to feel that never ending sadness. Plus, I'm afraid there isn't some big emotional feeling that I am hiding.  Yes, i have struggled with depression and anxiety and I loved the relief that the pills brought but I also know that I use because I am bored. What a pathetic reason. It's so hard to imagine a life without these things tho...

[dwbson]

I do not need to tell you my story because you just wrote it word for word. All the same reasons for starting, for continuing for 10 years, and then all the shame of taking and the fear of quitting. The only person that can be ready to help you quit is you. The only thing the opiates will do for you at this point forward is help you to alleviate the fatigue and function in a stupor. Are you taking an antidepressant? I know the fear, but you must be ready. We'll all help you when you are. Feel free to send me personal messages. It can be done.

[LisaHarvey7]

Thank you for sharing your story! You are not a bad mother, wife, or person!

I am also a mother, to two boys, who are 13 and 2. Like yourself, NO ONE knew of my addiction, that is until I opened up to my husband in November and spilled the truth out. God did that feel good, looking back. I look back on those days when I needed to take a pill to get out of bed, and I wouldn't go back to those days for anything in this world. If you ever need anyone to email or talk to, just let me know!

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh boy, do I know how you're feeling.  The panic that sets in when you start considering that you need to stop, well it's overwhelming to say the least.

But I think it's great that you've started someplace - by coming here.  Venting your feelings now is really important, and trying to find the reasons why you abused them in the first place will be key to keeping you off of them in the future.  That's why so many members here talk about aftercare - abusing the drugs is only a symptom of something bigger going on.  And I too have a great famiily, a pretty good life.  And I know now that I abused those drugs (tramadol and xanax were my DOC and I'm over 8 months clean now), but I know I took them to cover or shield myself from the pain I was experiencing back then.  It was my "way out" ya know?  So there have been a lot of issues I've had to deal with since I quit and I do think slowly, but surely, I'm getting better.  Just learning to accept myself for who I am I guess.

Anyway - tell us more about what you're trying to do now - have you quit yet?  Were they being prescribed by a Dr.?  I think if we have more information about all of that, we can help you through this.  You CAN do this, and there is life on the other side, I promise you that.  Just tell me more and we can go from there.  :)