KIdney Stones and Pain Medication Abuse

[EmmyD]

I've just joined so this is my first post. I have a kidney disease which causes me to pass several kidney stones a month. Not only do I have the pain when passing a stone but due to the disease have constant chronic pain even when not passing a stone. My pain specialist, nephrologist and primary physician have me taking 2-15mg MS Contin and 4-7.5/325mg Percocet daily along with up to 4-50mg Demerol when needed for more severe pain. I've been taking these medications for approximately 6 plus years. Here's the problem, I don't take the medication as prescribed anymore and actually haven't from almost the very beginning. I fill the different scripts at different times of the month and literally go thru each medication within a matter of days instead of over the period one month as prescribed. I generally go through 60 Ms Contin in 4 days, 120 Percoct in 6 days and 40 Demerol in 3-4 days. When I run out I'm miserable and just waiting until the time comes to refill my scripts. My kidney hurts terribly but I know I'm making it worse because I keep dwelling on it whenever I'm out of meds. It's gotten to the point where yes I have the pain but I'm taking the medications for the 'high' which funny enough I don't get anymore but still can't seem to stop myself. I find that when I'm stressed or feeling guilty about what I'm doing to myself and my family I actually use even more medication to 'numb' myself. I've went as long as 13 days without meds but still get my refills and as soon as I fill that script start popping the pills within minutes. I'm afraid to stop not because of withdrawls but because of the kidney pain and how much worse it might get. But most of all I don't know how to handle the situation emotionally. I know that I'm enabling myself by using the stones and disease to justify the use of the medications. When I run out of meds I feel great and somewhat 'normal' after a few days. I do have a little kidney pain but it is tolerable. Why can't I stay off the meds when I run out? For me it's definitely more of a mental issue and not so physical. I've been reading posts on this forum for several days thinking I can stop at anytime. I can't. I've got pills in the cabinet and tell myself everyday that I'm not taking anymore tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I take them. Again not because I feel bad physically it's just mental chaos in my head. I'm so tired of the pills controlling my entire life. Tired of thinking about them constantly, how many do I have, when can I get a refill, am I going to run out? I just want to be normal again. Be the wife and mother my family deserves. Right now all I want to do is take my meds and lay in bed. I just want to be alone with my addiction. I would really appreciate any help or words of advice on how to stop taking these meds, how to stop letting them control my life. Sorry this post is so long but I've really hit bottom and am so looking forward to your help. Thanks.

[happypill]

i have the same guilt. my kids deserve so much more. even ON the pills i am not much of anything. i work, thats it... and it depresses me so much.

[ImDONENoMore]

Why don't you contact the pharmacy and your Dr.'s and have them cancel those scripts?  That way it won't be an option for you to pick up the next script.  Good luck to you.

[EmmyD]

You are so right about just going from one med to the other. That's exactly what I've been doing. However I do have several days each month when it just isn't time to refill anything so I go cold turkey. My problem is that just soon as one of the scripts is available I pick it up and use it within a matter of days although it's intended to last a month. I took my last percocet Friday and haven't had anything since. I slept all day yesterday and so far today I'm not feeling sick just tired and very anxious which is usually what happens when I run out of pills. If I could just not pick up that next prescription. I don't know how I can go several days and start to feel better then just get that script and start using immediately. I have so much guilt over using that it makes me use even more. I keep thinking how can I do this to my little girls. They deserve so much more than what they're getting out of me. Why can't I put them first? What kind of mother am I if I can't stop for them? I just want to be clean.

[happypill]

I have had kidney stones. And they are the most painful experience any human can go through. That is actually printed in a medical journal, somewhere I dont remember where.
anyways, you said that you pick up your prescriptions at different times of the month, right? so if you quit one opiate, but are putting another  one in your body, you wont experience withdrawal, get what Im saying? Or am i wrong, and when you stop taking the meds you do so all at once? in other words your never really in withdrawal, because you said you have like 3 different scripts to  fill, at various times of the month, right?
Like if I am addicted and taking both oxycontin and percocet, and i have no percocet, i wont go into withdrawal because my body is getting enough opiate with the oxycontin. im just saying ....
i dont have MSK, but have had many stones. Its actually what got me started on these damn vicodin i am addicted to.

[dominosarah]

I maintain my clean time thru recovery care.  We forget we actually have emotions while we are using.  Working on the demons we have buried is very important to do.  Recovery care will give you the tools you need to get and stay clean.  You dont have to be a prisoner to these pills anymore~~~~~sara

[gnarly_1]

HI Emmy.....the way you beat this thing mentally is threw aftercare ....now that comes in many forms for a lot of us N/A or A/A fits the bill its free and the 12 step programs work if you work them they also have the advantage of having other like minded people there to share with that will understand what your going threw...this is not the only form of aftercare there is also addiction therapists and substance abuse conslors that will work one on one with you
untill you treat the illness it will continue to run your life.....we have to change the very way we think to overcome this....just ask anyone on this forum with any significant clean time and they will tall you the same.....its up to you to make the first move to recovery but once you do life can be a beautiful place once again....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[EmmyD]

Addycakes - Thank you so much for having your friend check into my story. I really appreciate any input she may have.

I just took my last 10 percocet today and can't refill any of my pain meds until around the 13th. By that time I should be able to just not take them anymore but like I said earlier I always end up using the very day I pick them up. I will have some minor withdrawls because I always do but they only last a couple of days and then I start feeling much better. Why can't I just stop these things? Obviously if I can go without for up to 13 days I should just keep going. I've been reading posts on this forum for many days and it makes me feel like I'm finally not alone in dealing with this. As I read each post it's like I could have written it myself. I just don't know how some of you are able to beat this thing mentally. That's where I really need help and support. I'm tired of being broken and just want my life back. Thank you all so much.

[Addeycakes]

Hmmm.... I also have msk and have had lithotripsy on a number of occasions. I will have a friend of mine read your story. (She's a urologist and knows quiet a bit:) maybe we can get some input. But definitely, with being on the meds, its hard to tell what's real pain and what's in our heads. Good luck and ill get back to you!!!

[lady67]

I have a girlfriend who has severe kidney stones and my husband has them as well.   If it gets bad enough for her to go to the ER, they will give her a shot of tordol and nothing else.  When my husband went (just one time) they gave him 2 shots of Dilaudid.  One of the nurses told me they always do that.  Women get tordol and the men dilaudid.  I have never had any kidney stones, so it that the way they do it everywhere.  

I do agree with some of the other posts, I think it is going to be more of a mental withdrawl rather than physical.  Don't get me wrong, you will have physical withdrawls, but having been where you are, I think the mental is going to be the hardest.  Good luck to you and stay on this forum.  When I thought I was well enough to quit posting, well that is when my relapse occurred.

[EmmyD]

Thanks so much for replying. I have seen a Urologist but lithotripsy is not an option for me due the disease I have which is MSK (Medullary Sponge Kidney) and I always pass the stones on my own. I've been passing stones since I was 14, was diagnosed at 21 and I'm now 39. I only started experiencing the constant pain about 10 years ago and it's gradually progressed. I also take several other medications that can't stop the stones but greatly reduce the amount my kidneys produce. Because I can't take the medications responsibly I believe that I need to stop them altogether. I have tried just about everything out there for pain, not just medications but herbal remedies, light therapy, accupunture and chiropractors just to name a few. Since I can go several days without the meds each time I run out I know I should be able to stop the meds completely because like I said the kidney pain is tolerable without them. It's just the whole mental issue I have. I'll fill the script for the 120 percocet and tell myself ok I'm only taking 20 then I'll stop. Next ok I'll stop taking them on Monday, or I'll stop taking them at the first of the month. If they're here I will take them. It really is affecting all aspects of my life. I feel broken inside. Not just from the disease but because of abusing the meds. I had never thought of myself as an addict but obviously I am. If I wasn't I'd be taking the meds as instructed. I no longer see the Pain Specialist because he said there wasn't anything more he could do for me. I then saw another and he basically said what I'm doing right now is the only option he knows of. My team of doctors do work together but they're just giving me more and more narcotics but I've built up such a tolerance that they're just not working as good anymore. I've continued to abuse them for so long and I really don't know how to function without them mentally. I'm also afraid to talk to my doctor about this because I'm afraid he won't prescribe anymore and I do need them once in a while when passing a stone and I'm  experiencing extreme pain. Although maybe that's just another way I'm trying to justify getting the meds because if I'm that bad when passing a stone I could go to the ER for a shot instead of needing pills at home. It just keeps coming back to it being more of a mental thing for me and that's where I really need the help.

[gnarly_1]

HI welcome to the forum....well you have found yourself in the same spot as many of us
thats quite a cocktail of pills they got you on we do home retoxes all the time here
but I think its goiing to be more of a mental issue for you then anything when you go off this stuff expect to be sick for 4 or5 days the good thing is your not taking them all at the same time so once you withdrawal it will just be the mental mindscrew of not using the next script
med help also has a pain management forum you might want to check out...if it clean your  tring to get you came to the right place we can walk you threw a home detox as for the mental issues both N/Aand A/A offer free programd that work if you work them it is the addictive brain thats the problem not the pills the very way we think has to change to get well....let us know what you want to do here we can help you good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[Addeycakes]

Why isn't a urologist treating you? I have stones as well and there is NO WAY a doc would prescribe that to me!! UNLESS...I sought out a pain specialist, in which case the urologist would say.....I don't know what's wrong here so go have a pain specialist fill ur script. Its VERY common! Hunny you've got to get help. There's lithotripsy, diets, and other options IF..... kidney stones are the real issue here. And based on how much you've Been taking, I'm intrigued as to how you don't suffer debilitating withdrawals for 13 days? Have you had an x ray done recently? Cheaper then CT scans. Ultrasound? Stones typically take lots of time to form. Have you had your thyroid checked? Calcium levels? Are u taking tums?  What other means can you try besides this medicine that is truly a culprit in disguise?