Keep your head up:)

[Tina6444]

Hello friends and all my new friends!
I think we need a new post as the posse post is so long. Just wanted to check in and start some new activity!

I am so very near to approaching 2 weeks on Thursday (which will be about the longest time for me) and yes it is ALL mental now. Even on my roughest day which was today I still would NEVER go back to what I was. I detested the person I had become and had very little love for myself on them.  
To all of you beginning this journey I implore you to keep up the battle or START it as it is so worth it. I know I wouldn't be here without the support of this forum. You know who you are that keep me afloat those first few days. Charlie and nomore I still think of you every single day and am eternally grateful.  Charlie you have evolved to a different person on this forum I feel! You are taking charge and turning into such an optimistic leader!!!  I am so proud of your transformation. We are not the scared, naive, and confused people we were last week.

And Jlann you continue to inspire me with your willpower. Thank you for your support on my rough days, on my good days, on my crazy days, on my "normal" days:).

It was/IS a WILD RIDE let me tell ya but looking back you see how strong the human spirit can be.  How strong WE can be.  

[Nomore2]

Yes. I have had that. I was driving and the sun was out....blue skies, beautiful day and I suddenly felt an inexplicable joy. It lasted for just a moment, but it was enough for me to recognize it and say to myself, " woah! I feel joyful" . Here's to many more of those moments!

[Tina6444]

Charlie!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Yes those are those feelings I am talking about buddy. They sometimes come out of nowhere but man when they do they make you remember why we are doing this. Read my new crazy post and comment as I am trying to focus on ideas and things that help others during this mental battle.  I had 45 minutes of joy today with my workout; well maybe 40 but it decreased my anxiety so much better than a Xanax.

And I did not throw anything today:) Just yelled at the good ol spouse some and told him "old tina" was gone. I am not cooking and catering to him anymore. Aint nobody got time for that ::)))
Tomorrow I am planning on having an even better day and will project more thoughts to you as you are seeing raw happiness is attainable:) It is fleeting but god how great huh?!?

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Hello angel. Day 17 was a little less up and down. More energy and I am pretty sure I am feeling those positive thoughts you are sending. Hey, this has happened twice in the last two days. Let me know if you or nomore have had the same thing.  

I was driving down the road yesterday and also this morning, and all of a sudden, I got this really strange flash of total peace and contentment and happiness. It only lasted a few seconds each time, but it was enough to grab my attention. I really don't remember how long ago I had that type of totally raw happiness. I really enjoyed if only for a few seconds and look forward to having a lot more. I think God is transferring your positive thoughts to us. Send more please.

Went to another AA meeting tonight and also hooked up with my potential sponsor. Fantastic boost to my willpower and would recommend this type support to all. Wish and want all and only the best for everyone here. Stay strong. Always love.

So proud of you and keep on truckin. You are most definitely a huge source of inspiration to me and others.  Keep posting

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Hang in there. What krissy posted is true. You are starting the healing process after three years. It is going to take some time. You have done great to get to 10+ days. This is my first and hopefully only detox. Been on pills for 25+ years, hydros last 15. Now on day 18. Mental stuff can be tough, but you have several options. Hardest thing for me was getting over the tired, I don't want to feeling. GET UP and move, no matter how much you don't think it will help. Day by day, you can and will get stronger. Keep posting, no matter how much, good or bad, whatever it takes to get you through the minute, hour, and day. Take only 1 day and break it down and you can get through it with help. Don't try to do this alone. I know without the support here and my NA and AA meetings I would have given up.

Look for NA and AA meetings, and go until you find the right meetings and sponsor. These people are and continue to go through what you are going through. They understand every phase of the physical and mental trials, including the depression. Stay in close touch with your doctor as he may be able to adjust your current meds to match you current situation. Most important, keep reaching for help, where ever this may be, to stay off these addictive demons. Trust in God and other folks who have gone through this. None of what you are feeling is permanent. It will pass. You are stronger than a lot by reaching out at 10 days. We are all with you and there are many people who can find the answers with you. Pray to God, Take one day at a time, get plugged into aftercare, and always ask for help.
JUST FOR TODAY!!!! You are not alone. But don't do this now for anyone other than yourself. We are not responsible for the disease of addiction, but we are responsible for our recovery. And we can do this with help.

[Tina6444]

Charlie my friend how are you today?
As always I am thinking of you.

[Tina6444]

Thank you BraneGame! Your story is truly inspiring and I am rooting for you! You deserve to be feeling better:( You have put in the work and I am so sorry about depression. This mental game is exhausting and after 5 months I am impressed by your will to stick with it despite depression. Keep it up 3 musketeers. You have a lot of ppl behind you on MH!

[Tina6444]

Hi NikkiNeverThought! Stop those thoughts about giving in right now!!!  Please hang with us and we are all here to help you through this. If it were easy it would not take a community:).  I am about 20 days post pills and mentally yes it might be the toughest battle you will ever fight.  Personally it has and is for me.  You must dig down and push yourself as Krissy advises! She is right about our brain receptors. They are naked and vulnerable! Now is when we must start doing things differently in our life. Without the fake energy and  ability to self medicate to numb feelings we must find new solutions. And girl it is not easy. But doable. Read some of these success stories from the wise on here!  Check out nike123456 post. Try to get out and exercise as I feel the endorphin release from this is most effective towards combating the ever present anxiousness.  

[Krissy_123]

You need to Remeber you took these pills for 3 years,10 days is awesome!! But it's just a drop in the bucket compared to them 3 years. When we take opiates it opens up more and more receptors in our brains. So when we just all the sudden quit,we are left with all these open receptors. They never do close,but they WILL heal so you will start to feel all your emotions again but it takes TIME!! Are you in NA or seeing a counsler? This is essential to recovering. There is nothing wrong with you,a lot of us have been exactly where you are at 10 days. Me being one of them. I really really had to push myself. I started walking everyday. Joined yoga (so not something I'd normally do. But it does help. You really if have to try and push yourself.

[NikkiNeverThought]

This is my first post. I'm in need of some very encouraging words. I'm getting very disappointed and thinking I should just go back on the pain pills. I've been reading many different forums on many different sites and I really had no clue what PAWS even was a few days ago. Little history on me. I'm 32 years old I have 4 beautiful kids. I never did any type of drugs or even really drank but a handful of times I was actually always scared of drugs. I had an MRI done a little over 3 years ago and it showed that I have a severe herniated disc with spinal canal stenosis, DDD, osteoarthritis, and fibromyalgia. My back hurt so badly I didn't care what the dr. Gave me. Well, here I am I quit cold turkey on fathers day June 21st. So i guess this makes day 10! I made it through the horrible acute withdrawal symptoms yes it was awful but I did it. Then I thought that was it. Boy was I wrong. I'm so severely depressed I cry every single day I sometimes wonder if I would be better off not alive and No this is not a cry for help I'm not going to kill myself I just hate the way I'm feeling it's like ok what do I do know I'm in so much pain but the pain pills are killing me and eventually they probably won't even work because my tolerance keeps going up. I understand that no one can tell me exactly when I'll start feeling good againand not so sad and lethargic, loney ect. I do not find joy or happiness in anything I'm walking aroumd my house or laying in my bedroom and I'm just so melancholy my husband tells me snap out of it, find something to do something that makes u happy. Hah! Easier said then done when I feel like doing umm, absolutely nothing at all!!! I'm on an anti depressant called brintellix been on different anti's for 10 years now was first given lexapro for anxiety not depression. Then over the years they switched them from time to time. I'm also on klonopin been on that now for 2 years never abuse it. I'm perscribed 1mg during the day and 2mg at night before my withdrawls I hardly ever took the 1mg in the day just didn't need it. And sometimes I would skip a whole day completely. I'm hoping one day to get off my anti depressants and klonopin but one thing at a time. I heard that's just as bad and even dangerous. Anyways, I also am trying to quote smoking thro all this because being sick I was smoking less and less I used to smoke a pack a day and the last pack I had lasted me 3 days so figured why not. Yesterday I had half of a ciggs. And the day before that I only had one but would puff on it then put it out still lasted me all day. Today I've had no nicotine at all. So hoping to.keep that going.  Anyways, I hope someone out there can give me some encouragement as to this awful depression and sadness. I just don't think I can take much more of this. And being in pain doesn't help. Someone please help me.

[Tina6444]

I couldn't stay away !! Lol. I am at the gym getting ready to kick this anxiety in the @&$

[Nomore2]

Yay! You're still here I knew you couldn't leave us. LOL! Seriously, though, sometimes you just need a break. When I took my break, I had read something that just didn't fit well with me at the moment and it bummed me out a little, so I had to pull back. It wasn't anything you guys said. It was just something I read. Anyway, I'm glad you're still with us! Here is my quote for the day...."it is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.” ― Winston S. Churchill

Keep on rockin it!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

I truly believe that anyone willing to go through w/d in any form to get rid of the controlling devil should always be supported, no matter what stage of recovery one is at. I do know I would hate to think that any of my posts would in any way belittle the fantastic progress that each person is making.
This includes people at 2,10,15,18,25,30,60,90 days and more. This truly takes more guts than most people will ever understand. I applaud and stand in AWE of everyone on this forum willing to post their very personal experience, as this helps untold numbers of people to soldier on and stay the course in their recovery. Thank God for each and every one of you!

[Krissy_123]

I know these ladies that you're speaking of,I came on just a couple months before them. So I know them pretty well,and I think you may have misunderstood. They deff wouldn't be tired of what you're posting. I think what I got from reading that post was that your ladies and these ladies are similar to age,so they just wanted to know what they were doing to feel so good so maybe they could try it as well. Like I said we love seeing ppl succeed. I'm happy for all of you,and I'm glad y'all have each other!! This is a very hard battle to go through,it's so much easier to have someone to turn to that knows what You're going through!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Positive posts during acute w/d is always welcome. Once the physical side is pretty much done, we all have a tough mental journey to begin and deal with. Recently, we felt that some who are doing great at 3 and 4 months clean were getting a little tired of the Posse and the Angel posts. This seemed to be out of their frustration of still having depression, fatigue, mood swings, and other not so positive things happening to them after getting and staying clean for so long. We never meant our posts to be anything but honest and supportive as we move through this journey together. However, as much as we all want to help others, I can't help but think that our own posts are more to our benefit to us than others. And there is nothing wrong with that. We all are fighting together to get through this crap, and sometimes it's not so pretty. Know this. Without this forum, my personal Angels, and NA and AA meetings everyday now, I do not believe I would still be here.

Tina, I love your posts and your support and will stand strong with you any day. We have to take each day by itself and get through this with the good and bad.  Positive, negative, happy, sad, angry enough to throw things, screaming and kicking. We can and will get through this together.

[Krissy_123]

Hmmm,I'm with branegame here! Why would you possibly think your positivity would upset some? We are a family on MH and we root for every single person on here! If you're doing well then you scream it from the roof tops,don't quit posting. And deff don't think that ppl here wouldn't be happy for you. Because we sure are!!

[BraneGame]

I am so glad you decided to keep posting. At some point over the last 4 months I stopped posting publicly because I felt lost. I am back to posting as I do think it helps me. Why do you think your positivity bothers anyone? Being positive is what helps your brain to heal and keeps the depression at bay. When I began my detox I made it through each day by telling myself that I made it through another day. It wasn't till I got to the three month mark and found myself in a hole. The depression took over and my recovery  seemed to have stopped. Now at just about the beginning of five months I am searching for that positive attitude again. It is a tool that you are hanging onto and will keep you moving forward. Everyones journey is different. We all have circumstances in our lives that will influence our recovery. My advice is to hold onto that positive attitude and your friends. Keep getting through each day and try hard not to fall into my hole. A positive attitude is contagious so keep it going!

[Tina6444]

Screw it my friends… I do feel better when I post and I worried and thought about you all day. So if my positivity bothers some…avoid my posts.
I have determined today I thought about the pills anyway lol so what the hell. Might as well see how my friends are doing.  Junip needs our support and encouragement.
I am working so many hours that I am not eating even getting the chance to use the restroom throughout the day. And no coincidence I do not feel as good :).  And I have a trigger every single hour of the day by having to discuss pain and pain medication of others. But it IS making me stronger every day by facing it and winning.
Charlie how are you tonight!?  I have missed you and Nomore only after a day .

[Nomore2]

I am posting a bit more because I miss interacting with you guys and I wonder how you are doing. It was good when I pulled back because I was focusing on the pills too much. Being away from the forum allowed me to focus my energy elsewhere. At this point in my journey I am feeling confident and have really long periods where I don't even think about pills. And even when I think about them, it's not about taking them because I won't do that. Its more of a memory kind of thing. It's kind of hard to explain. And I come to the forum to read your stories. Why do I do that? I really don't know. I think I just want to know that you are still okay. But, I do think pulling back a bit helps. We have to get on with our lives and as long as we are here, we are keeping our minds in this place. So, I say do what you have to do to move on. And if you decide not to post for awhile, I hope you will come back every once in awhile to update your progress. I feel a connection with both you and Charlie. You know that. I really care about you guys!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Hello angel. Day 15 was a little rougher, but overall ended good with drug free day. Weak moments early this am after very little sleep. Opened NA book and was reading Step 1 info, and it clearly helped with just stay clean for Today!!!. That got me through church in am, nap and walk in afternoon, and NA meeting this evening. Still feeling a bit off, but gonna make it.

Hope you had a great weekend. I see you had an anxious day as well. Everyone is different, so I guess we will continue to see how this plays out for us. I am now starting to see what you and Nomore are talking about when you post about pulling back a bit. I wonder if less might be more. But then, I look back to the first 10 days and most of my posts were when I felt the worst and the weakest. Posting seems to help when I am at that point and seems to get me through that short period of time when I really feel bad. Thank God for you guys. I do always want to be positive and supportive for others on this forum, but I think our posts have to be different at this stage, because it is dealing with more mental than physical issues. Yes, the feelings seem physical, but through working this through, I realize that it is more in my head than my body.

Recovery may take many more months, and each day will be different, but isn't that why we're here. Posting some of these may not be pleasant or totally encouraging to all, but what about honest? We have come farther than we even believed possible, so why not continue. What do we have to lose? This journey has to be different, and we are all old enough to know it can't all be rosy.  We could stick to PM during this process, or we could continue to open post ( mostly positive ) because it may be the best therapy for us and others.  I am open to all ideas, but I say let's keep doing what got us here. Love always. charlie

[Tina6444]

Hi you two!! I hope you had a great weekend! Nomore -you are just the sweetest and kindest soul:) You always make me feel better…every time.

I had another panic and anxiety filled day but I am finding those days occur if I feel as if I am losing control on other aspects of my life. And I was too sore for another treadmill workout. UGH. I know nomore I should have sucked it up and gone as I know you would have.

I also debating on taking a little hiatus on posting on forum as I feel lately it is causing me increased anxiety over it's usual calming effect. None of our recoveries are going to be the same however I am not censoring mine nor my attitude.  One cannot judge someone else's experience by words written behind a computer screen. The pressure and question to post my worst moments of the day vs the best...I choose always honest but in posting positive seems to help me remain more positive and I hope it has helped others. Or at least shown others that this IS doable. Do I sometimes feel like I am not going to make it? Ummm yes of course... sometimes more frequent than not and then I think of the alternative. For me there is no other option.

I have been down this path before and I am trying so very hard to stay optimistic as mentally this is always more difficult than the physical stuff for me.  Nomore -I want your opinion on this. What did you feel like when you posted less? I know you are posting a bit more and have you noticed a difference? And Charlie - I am not leaving you buddy EVER and will creep on your post still all the time.  Let me know what you think my friends. I still cannot believe the time that has gone by since our beginning together. And YES I do know it is not the end nor are we finished with this battle but we are honestly and truly kicking @#$.  And this I do know for sure from my past experiences charlie my man!
Charlie how are you doing today buddy? Sending all my love and positive thoughts to you. Always.

[Nomore2]

I want to say the same thing to you that I just posted to Tina above. We are doing great. You are an inspiration to me. I read you walk up feeling weak this morning. We will have those moments. But, we just need to experience the feeling and then move on. Forward.....one step at a time! Each step one step further away from our old pill taking life. We WILL NOT FAIL!  

[Nomore2]

Good morning, Sunshine. We will not fail on this journey! We are done with pills and are moving forward into a clean and sober life. You are amazing. You are strong. You are beautiful! (I feel like the nanny in the movie "The Help" when she was talking to the little girl. LOL) But, I really mean it! You are an inspiration. No, this isn't easy. We should not be complacent. We will have days where we want to use again. But, we won't. Because we know it is not living. It is just numbing our feelings. Here I am on day 17! Almost three weeks. Yay!!!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Angel, I sure am glad we didn't think or post those thoughts last week. With us I don't think it would have made a difference,  With people starting this journey,  I think the main thing is to look for the positive especially during the first week.

I have read some posts recently that seemed to have the impression that this was ( other than the first few days physically ) a fairly easy withdrawal process. Tina and Nomore, I am so proud of where we are at because you have had repeated attempts before this and are now at this point in our withdrawal. I disagree with not doing it together, however, because I know now after 14 days and all the stuff I dealt with and continue to deal with on a daily ( still sometimes by the hour ) basis, I would not be here without your help. I am learning how strong I am Not by myself and how much stronger I am when I reach out and accept help. This is proving so true here and also at my NA meetings. I too have posted almost 130 times in 12
days. Most of this was to help Me, but in turn, as it is supposed to be, It may have helped others.  This is the part of this forum and this new way of living that we don't know about on Days 1 - 4. I want the posts I read to be positive, but more than that, I want them to be honest. This allows me to be prepared a little better for the next day and the one after that. This is my first, and God willing, my only detox. I need and will get my strength by sharing and going through this hell with my MEDHELP partners. Along the way, if we can help and inform and inspire just one other person to hang on through that hour and day and maybe quit this junk forever, then we all win.

Tina, since we started, I never thought what we would do if one of us fell or stumbled. I would like to think that we would immediately give as much support as possible to get us started on the right path again, but thankfully, I haven't had to deal with that yet. If and when that happens, We Will Walk
Together.

Thank you so much for your continued posts, know that I do need them, and I pray for all of our continued success through these trials.  God did not accidently put us together on this site without a plan for our success. We just have to have faith and do the work. Awesome Job!!!

[Tina6444]

You guys are doing great!! The days are unpredictable but hopefully they will start STAYING good:)
To all of you starting out this journey is the most difficult thing you might ever do but also the most worthwhile. The team approach we have has helped us so far however I feel it might not work for everyone. If one person relapses what happens? Does everyone fall apart? I did not even think about that at the beginning because we were clinging to threads of hope.
Somehow, I don't know.. how but this is irrelevant. I know keep down we WILL get through this. Charlie and Nomore I continue to think of you every day. I send you my eternal gratefulness and love for being there for me when I had no one. It is because of you I am further than I have ever been before.
I have no support from family. I have no support from friends. I have no support from spouse.  But I have you guys and this forum:).

I must mention that yes I am generally positive but please do not mistake this for me having an easy time with this. If this were easy I would not have posted 148 times in the past 16 days. This would not be my (10+) time trying to do this. Who's counting anymore…  I would not be posting on med help every single day to get me through one more day.

I am going to be positive because that is the only thing I know how to do. I am going to be positive so Charlie will know the next day will be just fine and he will get though it. That the future we SO deserve is in our reach.