Keeping Up The Confidence

[justneedtotalk]

I have read a lot of different posts and have really taken responses to my own posts to heart.  I know that aftercare is the BEST way to stay clean but what about people like me that want to beat this on their own and I got myself into this mess and I can get out of it.  I want to forget that the past 3-4 years even happened.  I know this is not the best frame of mind to be in but I am tired of worrying about relapsing if I do not go to some kind of treatment meeting.....Could it be so simple as to not put a pill in your mouth?  I know there is a lot of mental issues that follow the detox process, many of which I fight still but if you dwell on things you usually go back to them.  I just want to never forget this process but forget about the dependency.  Kind of like, if I can just not use and pretend like none of this happened then no harm no foul as long as I do not relapse.  I imagine a lot of you reading this are going to assume that I am destined to fail which you might be right but I truly am not ready to go and sit through an hour meeting every day (even though the meetings are usually great!).  I am not knocking the process at all, I just cannot commit to it myself right now and am attempting to beat this on my own.  I have this site and I know that it is as easy as saying no....no matter what!  

[justneedtotalk]

Thank you for your post.....I truly look forward to your responses.  Even though my methadone stint was not nearly as long as yours I feel as though you understand the best what it was like going through methadone and other various opiate detox without being able to tell the one person who is there 24/7.  The past two months have been a nightmare because of it.  Not only did I need to maintain at home but I also had to work through it as well in a higher level management position.  My wife's work schedule alotted for some weekend time alone with my daughter which I usually ducked into the hot bath for 20 minutes and crawl around the couch for the day.....It was the single most difficult thing I had to do in my life....The physical and mental agony was intense.  I had gone through numerous hydro detox's but nothing compared to this!  I have had two small and brief relapses with a couple of Hydro's but for the most part have been abstinant.  I plan on being free now for the duration but I still fight the motivational problems and the fatigue.  The depression comes and goes and the sleep is getting better little by little but not sleeping for two months was horrible.  My point is that I truly want to get this off of my chest but I just need to get over that month completely sober mark before I start bringing my family into the equation.....Thanks for the good advice and hopefully you guys can talk me into coming clean one of these days!  :)

[justneedtotalk]

Thanks man....I truly appreciate your comment.  I would be so happy if I could just get this weight off my back with this secret.  I fight the fight every day going through every and all stages of detox without being able to share how I feel with anyone.  I literally have to pretend that nothing is wrong to maintain the truth.....It really ***** actually but until I have some more time under my belt I am going to risk additional stress.....Thanks to everyone for the shot in the arm.....Like I said earlier this is my only outlet for discussion about these crazy thoughts going through my head.....We fight the fight.....Thanks

[gnarly_1]

HI ....I feel for your situation ....it took me a wile to recover also it was a good 90 days until
I just started to feel better...I kicked methadone....its known to be ruff to kick but I had know idea it was going to take as long as it did....if meetings are not your thing most major health ins covers out pacent  substance abuse therapy ...I used A/A to kick the booze and weed
5yr5mo ago but for my methadone addiction it has been a conslor and one on one therapy that has worked for me...without it I feel I would have gave up hope of ever getting better
and probably went back...a good support system is critical to get you threw the ruff spots
this is not always ez....even after being on methadone for 6 1/2 yrs I still crave pills every so often...today I know what to do with those cravings and work threw them instead of caving in to them...this is so much ezer with aftercare then going it alone check with your health ins and see what they got available to you...you wont regret getting help..I also have my church...and am greatful I do....my wife put me on the prayer chain for my final detox...so everybody knows about my addiction...I go to a very non judgmental church and have been huged by complete strangers and asked how it is going to this day and its been almost a yr....I was really apprehensive after my wife told me she did this there was only a select few in my church that new ...the response was overweeningly a positive one and its good to know that people are praying for my success and genuinely care...I know it takes a lot to let the kitty out of the bag but once you do you will feel so relieved that it is finely out there...I dont know how you did it without your wife ...my wife was one of my bigest support systems ....our secrets keep us sick....she will probably be a lot more understanding then you think....it would be the tea pot calling the kettle black here if I dident tell the truth...my wife new I took the pills for sever back pain then on to the methadone for the same...it wasnt till she read my testamony that I was going to read up at a mens retreat with my church that she realized just how badly I use to abuse the pills the men of my church where/are a huge support they deserved the truth so I told just how dark my addiction had became and just what God had delivered me from...my wife was a bit taken back....we have talked threw it and still do...I share with her when im struggling now addiction is only a distant memory to my wife now she has been clean for 24yrs her walk with God and blind faith has kept her that way and I have so much respect for her...she has shaired with me that even after all that time she still will crave her DOC and alcohol from time to time but her faith in God gets her past it...I guess what im trying to say is do the best you can for now....work on getting a support system in place b/4 you need one...it is critical to long term sobriety...I wont lye to you some people do make it on there own....but the statics show that only 10% will make it to a yr clean without some form of aftercare...it just isent worth the risk...I tell everybody if you put as much time in your aftercare as you did in your active addiction you will walk out of this clean and sober and will enjoy living in your recovery remember there are many avenues to recovery start by confiding in another addict someone that knows what its like surround yourself buy clean and sober people and stay active in your recovery its when we grow complacent that we fall...good luck to you and God bless....Gnarly                

[guv338]

I guess I was very lucky in that I did not have to hide my detox from my wife or my co workers and thru it all they were my biggest supporters.  However, I did not tell my other family members until later.  I waited until the worst was over b4 telling my mom as I didnt want her to worry, however, once I did tell her she immediately became a huge source of strenght for me.  I waited the longest to tell my brother, who was my best friend and confidant growing up.  He is a few years older than me and for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to tell him for a long time.  I guess I was worried about his reaction as he has always been the one with his sh!t together.  When I finally told him, his first words were,
"what courage it must have taken for you to stop the pills knowing that you would have to endure the wd and pain for the rest of your life".  Wow, it blew me away.  Ever since then, I
have not hesitated to tell the people that I felt needed and would want to know.  I highly recommend airing out the laundry as it will certainly begin to stink the longer you keep it all closed up.  You will get there in time, just keep moving forward and dont ever hesitate to ask for help.  You'll be amazed at the support people who really care are willing to give.
guv

[justneedtotalk]

I know that my last and final hurdle one day with my recovery is going to be telling my wife.  She is also in the medical field (RN) and has an understanding of what addiction is and looks like but has never really experienced it in her life.  She is extremely conservative and I have too much fear of loss to come out and tell her right now.  It would be too much pressure to not use pills while trying to mend and manage a relationship that has taken a blow.  I want to tell her though.....We will have to leave that one for another date.

I was actually very proud of myself last night because I was dead to the world and had zero ambition or energy.  I actually went out and made a roof for our dog kennel and tarped the entire thing for the winter.  Then I made dinner and then I was spent.  When will the energy and the desire to do anything else besides sit on the couch come back?  It has been about 2 months since my quit date and only had two very brief and small slip ups with some hydro's.  I am past most of the other more nasty physical affects, it is just the lack of sleep, energy, or motivation that is really affecting me.

[vicki595]

I'm just going to tell you how I feel/think on this "secrecy" subject.

I am a very proud person. I am a wife and a mother. I am a medical professional. I am my mother's favorite.  If you think for one second I wanted anyone close to me or who worked with me to KNOW about me,you'd be very wrong!!    I led a very secret life for many,many years.  I was always protecting myself and everyone else from my stupid
choices.  I NEVER felt good about myself!  Never.  It was not the way to be.

I can't tell you the relief that I felt after I got some honesty into my life.  It finally became about ME for a change and I needed to get well.

Stopping those damn pills,I feel,is the most NOBLE thing I have ever done in my LIFE.
I am very proud of that. I am not ashamed. If someone wants to talk about me or judge
me,let them. I really don't care. I'm "out" and I'm free and it's great!!!

xo

[ang_811]

i was keeping my addicton a secret and just a couple of weeks ago did i start telling some of  my closest freinds. after that i found that i felt like a burden had been lifted and i felt so much better. im not shameful of my addiction nemore. im not trying to hide it either. i learned that by seeing my counselor. but the more people i tell the better i feel about me being an addict. its making me so much more stronger then i could ever imagined.

[dominosarah]

This doesnt happen overnight.  It will come so keep taking it day by day and talking with us.......One of these days we will get you to talk to your wife!!

[justneedtotalk]

I agree......I by no means am knocking telling people.  I think that is probably the healthiest way to go through life as a recovering alcoholic or addict.  Many of the long time recovering addicts are very open with their situation.  I think it will come for me but right now I still have this overwhelming urge to stay in the shadows with this issue with family and friends.  All of them basically know I was on them for legitimate reasons but they do not know how long I kept it up after the fact.  I have told my parents and siblings that I know I was addicted to them but am currently off of them.  My wife still does not know that I carried on with them but as I have posted before that is a hurdle that I am most afraid of.  For now and today I am sober.....I agree that it is a lot more difficult without a live group for support but I figure all of those days I had high and not a care in the world need to be made up by days of suffering....Just hopefully not too many days!  :)

[dominosarah]

I am no longer ashamed for being an addict and i dont care who knows.  I would rather be known as a recovering addict than having my family come and visit my grave.......sara

[ang_811]

u could do it on ur own but without some sort of aftercare the chances on u going back to the pills are very high. in aftercare u will get the tools u need to stay sober. i really dont think id be clean today without my counselor. it could be worst for me right now. alot worst.!!!! whiteknuckling this isnt gonna work. please get sum sort of aftercare... for me i cant ever seem to regret my past 6 years. for awhile i thought it was kinda disturbing tht i couldnt regret it. then one day i realized with out those aweful years living in addiction i wouldnt be the person i am now. im alot stronger then i could ever be and its all bc of what ive gone thru. live and learn is my motto.
good luck to you and keep posting.

[IBKleen]

Keep talking through the anxiety. And listen, you are taking the "tell everybody" thing a little too literally. That's not the deal. I have to suggest that you do not go around telling anyone right now until you learn where it it is and where it is not appropriate.

[justneedtotalk]

I appreciate you guys responding back to me!  The crappy thing is I know that you guys are right and underneath it all I know that it would be the better way.  I have too much to even risk coming out with the truth to other people.  Too small of town to keep it a secret and I know AA and NA are supposed to be private, you have a lot of people that are forced to be there due to legal issues that could care less about the secrecy agreement.  I think that is why I post so much on this site because I use you guys as my AA or NA group......I truly would go to AA or NA tomorrow if I could trust that no one would find out.  I know AA teaches you to admit humility and to let everyone around you know of your desease but I totally disagree.  I believe entirely in admitting humility and accepting the fact that we are powerless over drugs and alcohol but not running around letting everyone know that I have a problem.  I think that I am going to keep moving forward one day at a time and I am on this site constantly throughout the day reading, researching, and talking.  Again.....I am starting to feel the waves of good days, bad days, and tolerable days.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety today and feel real jittery and my rls has come back a bit.....I think that is why I am in a funky mood.....wierd!

[vicki595]

Hi!  Some people go to meetings but there are other avenues,as Sara suggested. Anything that you do to foster recovery is after care. If you talk to your doctor frequently,
have good support at home,go to the gym,meditate,do yoga,see a counselor,a therapist,
etc...It's all good if you're working toward recovery. Going to church is enough for some people,also.

I just hope you're not grinding your teeth and white knuckling it. I know you know better than that.  It doesn't work,trust me.  LOL

Good luck and keep posting!!

[dominosarah]

In a perfect world this would work and it would be great if our mind was like an Etch-a-Sketch but it isnt.  Doing it our way got us into this mess and we need help getting out of it.  The only way to rid yourself of the last 3-4 years is to work thru it.  Meetings arent the only recovery support out there.  This addiction is sly and cunning and you have to arm yourself with healthy alternatives when it rears its ugly head........sara

[IBKleen]

Certainly you can do it on your own but why would you want to? I want, and need to be with people just like me who understand my thoughts (no matter how disturbing) and my feelings. I need the validation that it is okay and I am right where I am supposed to be. I need to get out of my own head because when I am there I am in bad company.

Yes, you can do it alone. Just remember your best thinking got you here.

I wish you the best.