Laying Blame

I was just in bed, trying to sleep, when I think I finally come to grips (or at least lay blame where it belongs) to the fact that I've done this to myself. I am whole heartedly to blame. I have been feigning ignorance for 3 plus years now. Blaming doctors for getting me into this mess. I was 30+ years old when I started this. I knew these things were addictive. I signed the pain management contracts. I was warned. I knew the first time...THE FIRST TIME..when I took more than prescribed that I was doing something wrong. I didn't stop. I kept going when the pain subsided. I got me into this mess, and I will get myself out (with help and support, of course). I know many of you had escalating pain that did help put you into this mess. But, my mess is all my own. For some reason I feel good about that.

[beachtowel]

In N/A one of the very serious things they stress that Addiction is not your fault but recovery is !00% your responsiblity............

dont beat your self up over it sorry but it is not your fault the only choice you had was the first time you used..........

[GA Guy]

Yeah, but I knew that first time, and I did it anyway. Heck, I'd been around people popping these things. Looking back, I now think I used these 2 slipped discs to get the drugs I wanted. I don't know how many times I sat in a doc office and with NO PAIN, I told them I was an "8" on the scale and that my current meds just weren't cutting it. We can be some damned liars sometimes. I take all responsibility for that. It just helps me know that I can get myself out of the mess I'm in. I do love all of your posts beachtowel, I have over 30 of them cut and pasted into a word file that I read weekly. When I get up to novel size, I'll email you the file and you can give me 10 percent of your book deal...

[Bug1964]

Hello.... I just want to say that ...yes...you knew that they were addictive....but please, don't put all the blame on yourself......you only know it because you were prescribed by someone in trust...they make you sign that **** to cover their own ***.....because they know better than we do, that it WILL happen....you can think it in your mind but as we all do...we think it won't happen to us...   they do.. thats why that have that **** on paper... the laymen thinks we will just stop if the pain does.  Trust me, I am in the medical field and I see people all the time seek for drugs....Did I ever think I would be one of them,,,,,,Noooooooo!!...and at my age...(41).....Come on.....How did I go all my life without this, but when I had ankle surgery, I have become one of those patients.....I wish you all the best and I know you will be o.k.....I have tapered, and that is what works for me...you will be ok... just find what works for you....very sincerely, June.......Bug1964

[Bug1964]

everything they blocked is the word than rhymes with wrap.......thats hilarious....

[GA Guy]

I don know that many people get caught up in this..and it's not their fault. They were misled and destroyed by a health system so many of us trust. I'm just saying that for me..it was much more my choice than the doctors. I was well warned. The first "extra" dose came from wanting to experience the high..not ridding the pain. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. Somehow it shows me the way out. And please, don't think that my reasoning is true for everyone!!

[beachtowel]

I sue you for plagiarism........lol

by the way I am now on chapter 17 of my book...........
When i was in a six month inpatient addict behavior rehab I had to keep my own journal everyday
six months I had a lot of information........to that I add 37 years of addiction and then my schooling at college with some formal education too.

I hope my book will be done in a month or two...........

[Bug1964]

Please trust me......I know you are not felling sorry for your self...Its easy to not say how we get caught up in this...but let me tell you....they kind of make it easy...I worked for surgeons and we just wanted our patients comfortable......we just wanted to keep them comfortable....so they wouldn't keep CALLING US!.....do you understand......They don't want you in pain .....they want you to come back and say all is well, not caring if you are on your way to addiction........June....Bug1964

[GA Guy]

I am too writing a book. Mines about the South between the Civil and WWI. We will have to trade manuscripts when we finish. Somehow I think yours will be more benefit to me than vise versa....

[beachtowel]

don't minimize your work I think you will do an outstanding job put you heart and soul into it and it will be a great write..............

[marcatj]

Ga Guy, I am officially declaring that tomorrow is "Ga Guy be kind to Ga Guy Day."

You don't know how addictive it really is until you're in it, no matter what you read about it (unless of course your psychic, but I'm assuming you're not. :-)  

You're not to blame for going down, but you're responsible for getting back up.  Which you are doing.

Go easy on yourself kid.  Because you deserve it...

warmly,
mary

[beachtowel]

Very well spoken and I second that tomorrow is "Ga Guy be kind to Ga guy Day."

[beachtowel]

Ga guy please remember even though we don't always agree I respect you because you post what you feel and I know that you are only trying to help people.......your willing to talk things out when people disagree in a mature positive way and I will always respect you for that.
I truly feel that you are an asset to the forum.......

can you send me a chapter your opening and maybe the first chapter you can send it to my yahoo IM I upon recieving it I will send you back the same my opening and my first chapter........together maybe we can encourage each other to keep going and to finish.........hell who knows if one of us were ever lucky enough to make it to the NY times best sellers list our money problems would be over.............my yahoo IM ID is beachtowel1....send me an invite and let me know who you are on the message box...........hope to hear from you soon..........

[VOsRose]

Hey, buddy.  Whatever it takes to open your eyes and make you determined to win this time!!!  Remember, regardless of how you got into this mess, you still need to be gentle with yourself.  You may have "known" better, but the addict inside was in control.  Addicts are manipulative, greedy, selfish, self-serving and self-seeking.  We will lie, steal and cheat to get what we want.  The sober person inside is another matter.  We are humble and generous.  We would do anything for anyone that needed us.  Remember that.  Your posts help people here everyday...that's the sober Ga Guy inside you!  Be kind to him...he needs you!

xoxox
Rosie

[graceamongyou]

I guess I'm going to be the voice of gentle dissent here a little bit.  I think we need to respect what works for *everyone.*  Ga Guy has had an epiphany and has taken responsibility for the choice he made every time he took a pill he didn't need, and it seems to have done him some good to come to that realization.  The only way I was able to stop abusing my body and mind with opiates was by taking full responsibility for having made that choice, and at the same time, stop blaming others.  No one held a gun to my head and made me take a pill.  Taking responsibility is not mutually exclusive with being gentle with oneself.  

I see it more as playing the role of a firm but gentle parent to oneself.  Telling oneself "You've done wrong, you've hurt yourself and those around you, and you need to take responsibility for that.  You are too precious and have too much good inside you to continue to squander it all away for the sake of a false high.  Take the blame and use it in a positive way moving forward."

I don't see Ga Guy beating up on himself or shaming himself, just calmly realizing that no one but himself is to blame.  And I think that can be a really good thing.

[GA Guy]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and all the opinions. I was never hard on myself for making this realization. In fact, it helped me to know I did this, and I can get me out of it. I'm not above asking for help..I have and will..here on this forum and other places. It's just nice to see how many people care and posted. Thanks to all..

[lulu22&mrmo]

I read this thread after I had called my pain doc and cancelled forever.....read what you wrote and cried. I have 18 days off of norcos now, and w/o you i wouldn't. I know your epiphany was real and meant a rung up for you. And once again, you helped, me , too.  

[GA Guy]

Wow, you've really touched me with your post. You said so very much in a few words. You know, canceling your pain management doctor was probably one of the most heroic things you've ever done. I think that you too have had an epiphany.

[mom2rachie]

5 years ago when I got sober from alcohol and illegal drugs I told all my friends, most of whom thought I was making a mouontain out of a mole hill since if they came to the realization that I had a problem that they must too.  BUT, I did it for ME.  I went to dinner with one of thse friends a week into my sobriety to "talk" and she proceeded to tall me that I wasn't an alcoholic because I wasn't homeless or jobless etc and then proceeded to order herself a galss of wine.
From that day on I quit trying to explain about myself anf realixed that it is MY problem.  If she wanted that wine so badly that she could order it in front of one of her best friends who clearly was struggling, be it something she agreed with or not, then the only emotion I could feel for her, even though it made me terribly uncomfortable and even though I found it terribly rude, was pity.
SInce then I have made a decision... if someone drinks around me at dinner or at a party, it doesn't bother me because MY head is on straight.  It IS MY issue and I will not put it off on anyone else.  Of course I do not put myself in situations to test myself where there is going to be an abundance of drinking and drugs but I cannot ask anyone to change themselves to appease me and I will not forget who I AM to appease them.
If that makes any sense.......