Life gets harder after drugs

I would like to tell ya all somthing, my life is getting harder after getting clean. I dont know why but things seem to be different. They are making me feel like im all alone in this fight im in. Things area lot more difficult than i thoght they wou ld be by that i mean i find my personal life is not going to well.Meand Kim used to be so close and so in love but the drugs have destroyed that. And withot Kim well im nothing with Kim i was everything so the drgs destroyed that thet destroyed my marrage. Im trying hard to salvage my marrage i need Kim and wont be able to live mylife without her. Did druge end yo realashonship as they are destroying mine James.  PS can a marrage survive after 13 years of drg abuse im praying it can

[gnarly_1]

HI James good to here from you again...try not to get discouraged you and kim have been thew a lot your marriage is stronger then you think....mine survived 16 1/2 yrs of narcotic addiction and many years of alcohol and pot abuse also....marriage isent always about the fuzzy nice feelings we have for each other...but more about commitment to sticking it out thew better or worst ...im sure you Kim has some trust issues she is going to have to overcome but you being clean will show her she can begin to trust you again also your going to have to get use to having emotions again I think everything gets nocked out of wack when we detox and then we go thew a lot for the next 90 days it takes some getting use to...trust God James he's got you guys this far I dont think he wil let you down sit down with kim and just talk make time for one another try praying together over your marriage and invite God into it with the 2 of you...this has all worked for my wife and I ....good luck and God bless.....your friend Mark      

[SophieShine]

James, what's happening?
You know Kim is madly in love with you James....

[pharma9]

The reality of life comes out very strongly when one is sober.One has to face the problems straight on and deal with them.
You have done a massive thing by quitting drugs and now maybe you can find a part time job to help the family income..
It is time to start really looking up..not down or back...and planning a decent future for yourselves with a little more money and creature comforts.
Consult a marriage counsellor and work for your new life and marriage.
The ups and downs of a clean life are still better than the constant downs of a drugged life.
Sooo good to hear from you James....I have been thinking of you and Kim constantly.

[Jebs317]

James,
I know exactly what you mean.  I am at 6 weeks.....and I feel like I am drowning in this.  I have had to break up with my boyfriend and stop talking to my best friend...they both take pills.  I can't be around them....I am not strong enough to say "no" yet.  I feel really alone and sometimes really down.  I know that we are better off without taking drugs anymore, but it doesn't make it easy.  I have been seeing a therapist and going to a group, but it's still hard!  
You have such a history with Kim and she is fighting the same fight.....give each other the support you need....and at the same time work on yourself.  Give her a hug and tell her exactly how you feel.  Maybe she is feeling the same way and you guys can get through this together.  
Hang in there!.....one day at a time.
Kristen

[LeaAnn807]

James, you guys can get through this.  Life does change after drugs, but it's not a bad change.  It's just going to take some time to adjust, ok?  You (and me!) did drugs for so long that we are having to learn how to live without them, while salvaging the rest of our lives at the same time!  It's hard, and I know that, but you can do this!  

I am praying for you and Kim!  

Hugs!

[vicki595]

James~  What exactly is going on?  Where's Kim?    It's not just the drugs...it's life!
And Kim doesn't always feel so well,so...that's a stressor!    Have Kim get on the forum.
It's been awhile...

Hang tough,James. Really,what's the alternative?

Vicki  xoxoxo

[refusingbondage]

James - please understand that you are too early in your recovery to make any life changing decisions.. our way of thinking and mentally dealing with things is all messed up after coming off so many years of using.  Whats rational seems irrational and vice versa.  Do not trust your insecurities and worries right now.  Your wife is no doubt experiencing the same.  Getting sober and LIVING sober are two different things.  Neither of which are easy at first.  But trust your heart.  You two have been married a long time. You've been through the worst. Trust in that bond.  Right now you guys are sort of getting to know each other in a different way.  Its hard to wake up to reality after so many years of not being in it.. But give yourselves time.  It takes a long time to heal compltely. Work on yourselves.. love yourselves and understand that you are still healing.  Be strong, and dont let anything make you turn back to drugs.. afterall thats exactly what your addiction wants..dont be fooled by it.  Many blessings.

[sway1]

be true to yourself. remember how powerless you are when it comes to drugs. don't let this ruin all that you have worked soooo hard for. only time will tell what lies ahead. she has to protect her recovery too. i lost a husband to addiction years ago. i lost my best and closest friend this last time. my current husband is sticking with me, although he isn't an addict. are you working with the steps? i have followed your story for a long time. it may take a long time but just hang tough. you have already shown that you can get through things that are nearly impossible. peace, sway

[avisg]

James,
We do alot of damage to the ones we love when we are in active addiction .When we stop it almost as if we expect to be able to start over with a clean slate because we of course know we are completely different now however for our loved ones they don't understand quite as much and we have left alot of damage along the way .It takes time to repair plus we have changed into a different people .this is a process as addicts we want instant gratification thin to be just perfect and it really just does not work that way .
I am concerned about the way you say you cant live without Kim and put a whole lot of pressure on her and its not healthy for you to be that dependant on someone other then yourself you should talk about that with your counselor.Hang in there it's going to take time does kim ever come in a see the counselor with you ?

[stilltrying1965]

Thank all yo guys for your comments they mean so mch to me. I am trying to do the rifgt things i dont want to turn back to drugs. But i cant live withot Kim this is my fear . Iv always said to Kim im everything with yo Kim and im nothing withot you. You are my life myy woman my best friend my solmate I have always said that HEROIN was keeping s together now withot it we are know longer the same I pray to god that we have not waistedcddcyears together i need my wife to keep me on the straight and narrow. thanks again guys ,,,,James

[dominosarah]

You need to be the one who keeps you on the straight and narrow James.  Thats alot of responsibility to put on Kim.....

[avisg]

James you are putting far to much on Kim she is not responable for u staying clean or your happiness Hun .you have to be responable for both that alone will take alit of the pressure off her and make it far easier for u two to learn how to have a happy healthy realationship.I think u both need to be seeing someone together as well as your singles therpy .

[10356]

You know James. I can relate to what you say.. part of the problem as I see it is when we have had the past we have and our childhood was chased away we had to grow up without a full understanding our realizations of who we are and what it is we want. while some where learning through example. education,guidance we were fighting the system and everybody that tried to help us.. we carried anger and guilt.. these intense emotions smother who we are what we learn of ourselves and others. then we did drugs at such a young age we were escaping and numbing ourselves instead of learning.. we shut off.. my shrink said when we as children has been abused molested raped we stop growing in emotions at the age it occurred..the person needs to go back into their childhood as far back as you have too, to a point where you were happy and begin to grow that child up. I thought he was insane but the more I thought about it the more I reflected and the better I felt as I acted on the things that bought me joy. my photos show this joy. You have to get to know yourself for yourself.. the drugs take all this up that we should have been doing long ago. Doing drugs together for as long as you have prevented you two from really discussing what had occurred throughout your marriage.. You do not really know each other that well when you remove the drugs, take the time james to get to know yourself.. not your desires but yourself.. work with your counselor. court kim.. do not tell her you will go back without her. this steals her strength and makes her weary as it is difficult to be the reason someone is clean.. kim has her battle also and she is reflecting and getting to know herself.. You have a long history I believe it will stay intact but you have to put in the work.. not just staying off drugs but growing up and dealing with your issues then you will be more equipped to deal together with past issues.. love you james and I send my love to kim. letakos

[stilltrying1965]

Iv not seenKim for about a week.Only only yhe odd day hereand there. I know i should not be that dependant on Kim But i was in a list d scool for bad boys since the age of ten.my mom and dad left me there only seeing them now and again It was here i was sexaly,physicalymentaly abused and no one cared. No one helped me . When i came out i was realy confsed about my sexuality, i met Kim started seeing her and fell in love with her somthing i never felt for a long time (LOVE ) so i fell in love with Kim at 16 and have been with Kim since that day.This is why i feel so difficlt living withot Kim she was the only person that showed me how to love again. This is why i find it so hard to be withot Kim I know im wrong and all my friends are right bt Kim was the only person i trsted to tell what happened to me and she did not laugh or mock me for the filthy things that happened to me she toghtmethat it was not my falt when i cold only blame me thanks for lisening ,,,,James

[avisg]

I understand you have a painful past james I had one as well some pretty awful things happened to me .Thats one of the reasons I see a therpist .Here is the thing the people that hurt you took away your childhood you are still giving them the power to take away everything in your life thats good you have to stop that .You have to live for yourself and love yourself before anyone else can love you .You are expecting Kim to take on everthing almost like a parent to you . Your happniness has to come from the inside show her you can stand on your own and do for yourself and love yourself .That way you two can care for each other and work as partners .
Why have you only seen her 2 times this week did she leave or is she visting her mom ?

[stilltrying1965]

I have been ot the house and i choose not to go back till we can sort or lioves ot or it will stay like this and i will move ot for good thanks for answering Avis. ,,,,,  James

[LeaAnn807]

James, avisg is right.  Don't give anyone the power to take your future!  Those people did some bad things to you, and it's a disgrace, but let God punish them.  You move on and be happy.  That will be the very best thing you can do for yourself.  I know that you love Kim.  That's obvious.  But you can't put that kind of responsibility on another person.  Happiness comes from the inside!  Both of you have to work your OWN recovery....not eachother's!  Ok?  

Where is Kim?  Please keep posting and don't go away again like the other day.  We were worried about you!!!!! : )

[avisg]

Ok where are you James? I want you to be 100% honest here are you using at all anything ?
You too can work threw this .You need to work on you right now .I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done .I believe if you stay on track and off the drugs you two can do it .It wont be easy but remember the best things in life are not easy to obtain.Are you still seeing the counselor?

[SophieShine]

I'm very confused here James.... what happened? Why did you decide to move out of the house?

James don't let your past eat you like it does, do something about it, therapy, meetings, what ever works for you but don't let it drag you down anymore, it destroyed enough don't you think? Most of us have crazy stories, hideous, but you have to reverse it...
Please James talk to us, let us help you.
Sending you tons of hugs. Sophie.

[vicki595]

Hey Handsome...This isn't like you!!   It's like you and Kim have done a 180 degree
turn!   This tells me something happened and Kim is upset with you.
So,what gives?  Be honest,you know you are among friends here...

Vicki  xo

[cathy5841]

James, please tell us exactly what is going on with you??  did you relapse?  whats going on with you and Kim??  we want to help you, but we need to know whats going on with you....

[avisg]

The ladys are all right what happened why did you leave and if you are using  the only way we can help is if you tell us the truth

[stilltrying1965]

Avis i promise you i have not used any durgs whatsoever But i feel like a place iv never been in before. I keep getting these pictres in my head that Kim does not want me around anymore. I love Kim so much i dont know what iv done wrong i just want to run and hide under a rock i feel that depressed i dont think Kim loves me anymore coz of what happened to me when i was young if thats true i can understand that as i dont even love myself anymore How can i be a man when iv been the victom of sexual abuse Men dont go with other nen i hate myself for letting that happen to me ,,,,,,James PS Im with Kim now and i think shes going to come on

[vicki595]

James...Are you at your brother's house?  Or with friends?   Do we have to call Kim?
Do you want to be left alone?  (I doubt it)   Get back here and talk...you know it helps.

V.  xo

[vicki595]

Oh..okay...

James...you're being haunted by the past.  You've had a whole life,children,great times
since that horrible time in your life.  You're a good man.  You ARE a man!! Please forgive yourself...none of that was your fault.  If all of us here started to talk about OUR past experiences,your hair would probably fall out!!   Forgiveness is everything in life.

V. xo

[dominosarah]

James you dont have to live like the victim anymore.  How long are you going to keep letting those monsters take another minute of your life away?   You have suffered enough.  Time to take back the power James.  Fight for you.  I dont believe for a minute that Kim doesnt love you for that.  You have told us what happened to you and we all think you are a man.  Now it is time for you to start believing you are.......sara

[SophieShine]

James, there's NO way Kim stopped loving you coz of what happened in the past, something else must have happened.... and I don't think Kim stopped loving you.....
You are a strong man James, you know it... Dig deep down and find that strength to keep you going.
James, you are a survivor not a victim!

[avisg]

i dont think kim would hold that against you .She has stuck with u for years I cant see that .she has here own illness as well that has to be taking a major toll on her she has to take care of her and needs your support sometimes.

[stilltrying1965]

Hi all,its Kim. Im just going to type this on james page rather than log off and back on. We have been going through a really bad patch just now as you all know. James has become so paranoid, insecure and obsessed with the fact that he thinks i dont love him because of what happened in the past.He carries the whole worlds problems on his shoulders too. It got to the stage that if i went anywere he would constantly phone me to see how long id be.Or he would think i wouldnt come back if i went anywhere. All he talked about was how could i love him when all these things had happened. I done everything i could to prove that i did love him but nothing was ever good enough. We had a lot of other problems too but all he cared about was how could i love him. He just couldnt accept that i did and just leave it at that. He went on and on and it became the only thing he would talk about or be interested in while we have all these other problems going on. Eventually i asked him to leave for a few days and he was back and forward but hes back again. I told him i had other worries to cope with instead of having to constantly reassure him, it was driving me mad. I dont know what wrong with him or what caused this. He has always been quite insecure but nothing like this, so we will just have to see what happens. Iv told him that it has to stop or its going to cause serious problems and i hope it does as i do love him but cant handle the obsession he has just now. The doctor isnt interested she jst told him he was being obsessive and to stop it so im at a loss now, as i say all i can do now is pray he gets a grip of his life as i dont know what else to do. Thanks to all of you for your concern its really appreciated. Iv been quite ill as well so that didnt help either as i could hardly get out of bed some days and couldnt even type. Thank you all.......Kim

[LeaAnn807]

Hi guys!  My first husband and I were both addicts and using while we were married, and it can tear a marriage apart if you let it!  We were together, in all, almost 16 years, and it was very sad.  But you don't have to end like that.

James, Kim obviously loves you!  You guys have a lot going on, so you just have to believe it and go from here!  Kim's health is not good, so just focus your attention on NOT USING, and that will probably help her more than anything else!  Are you two in counseling?  If my husband and I had done counseling we would probably be together now, but we refused any kind of aftercare!  

Please do whatever you have to do to stay clean and healthy.....BOTH of you!!

Hugs from across the "pond"!!!

[GA Guy]

I usually preach aftercare as a general thing. I believe that many people can benefit from addiction therapists and counselors. However, there are people I see who I believe need to work the steps offered by 12 step programs. Honestly, I think they would benefit anyone (and I mean non-addicts as well). James you need to come to grips with his past and get into the future. There is something that heals the soul during the step process. There's a huge relief of guilt when we clean up the wreckage of our pasts. James, get to some meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps, and heal your soul. The body is healing on its own...the soul needs a little help...good luck my friend.

[dominosarah]

Kim, thanks for clearing this up for us as we were not understanding where he was coming from again.  You have to take care of you and this sounds like it has just gotten to be too much.  You cant be his parent.  I know you are dealing with your own illness and need support for that so please feel free to come on and talk with us too.........sara

[vicki595]

Yes,Kim.  Talk to us anytime.  Is James still seeing that therapist?  I think he needs to give her a call...today.  He's stuck in a bad place...she can help.

Vicki  xo

[avisg]

ahhhh now it make more since .James you have to find a way to come to grips with your past and find a way to move forward .She can not constantly remind you of what you already know .She needs support for you as she has given you.Its your turn to give to her.
If you cant move on then there will be a serous problem .She can not spend every moment reassuring you that she loves u .You either know it or not . Do you think she would have stayed with you threw all of this if she didn't ?
I have to agree with ga I think James needs far more support then the counselor can give .
I think you need to rethink some more aftercare .

[SophieShine]

James the 12 steps are gonna save your life....

[stilltrying1965]

James has  not seen his therapist for weeks i thought you all new Sara thanks for your kind words but when James went to leave idid not mean for good only a day or so but James being James staid away all week and would not talk to anyone and he is stuck in his childhood.I wake in the night to find him curled up on the floor beging not to be hurt anymore. I beleive this is him as a child so sad to see those bastards should be hng for what they did.He needs to  see a apeacalist for that as my ilness is getting worse . Now i cant get James back on the computer Kim

[vicki595]

Kim~  No,I didn't know that about the therapist. Any idea what's caused this decompensation?  It's certainly frightening to read about and I can't imagine how he's feeling.  He needs an intervention here,I think.  Can the kids help?

V.  xo

[dominosarah]

No we didnt know he wasnt seeing his therapist but it makes even more sense now.  All we want is for James to take back his life and no longer live like a prisoner to those monsters.

I am also very concerned about you too Kim and i just want you to know that we are all here for you also.  You are important to us.

James will get back on the computer when he is ready.  

[avisg]

James not getting on its not going  to help either of you .You have to get back into therpy and I would serously reconsider going na you need a strong  support system that u have not been getting .
Kim,
we are her of you as well rig ht now you have to put your health first .You can not take everything  else on right now or its going  to effect you health negatively .

[pharma9]

James....we all love you dearly on this site.
Kim loves you as well,but so do we.
There is something about you that we have all grabbed and hope for your happiness.
Please accept that we all love you and you are very worthwhile.
You have done the very very most difficult thing for yourself and Kim and all of us by quitting the drugs and you are so worthy of happiness.
Do not feel inadequate for you have done the greatest thing that you could do.
Be proud and confident for we all love you.

[LeaAnn807]

James, do you realize how powerful it is and what it says about you to be addicted to heroin for YEARS and then to beat it the way you have?  That says a lot about your character.  Those nasty people did not take that from you. They didn't get your soul.  You still have so much to live for.  Now please, go back to the counselor and get the help you need.

Kim, please take care of yourself!  You and James are both precious to everyone here, and we want you guys around!  I hope that all this gets worked out and that you are feeling better very soon!

[pharma9]

I understand both your pain Kim and James pain...It must be UNREAL..He does not have the drugs to block it out.
Neither of you should suffer such pain..
I just hope James gets the professional help he needs and if he comes back here maybe we can help as well.
Gosh o golly I feel for both of you .....my heart is heavy thinking about your problems.
Maybe james will come around soon and realize his value to all of us.
Sending love and best wishes to both of you.

[narla]

James seeing a counsellor is the only way to deal with how you are feeling,At first it will seem like your world is crumbling around you but as you work through your feelings and emotions you'll gradually come to realise that you can get through all the pain and be a much better person.Hang in there James and you must get back to working on yourself and your own self esteem.Wishing you the best in everything-

Denise

[LIZZIE LOU]

http://www.peterbowes.net/

james and kim...

above is the link to a psychotherapist in edinburgh who uses EMDR.  please copy and paste the link and click on the EMDR tab and read.

my daughter in law was a victim of childhood molestation and has carried this with her emotionally for years.  it was not until i was told of this new treatment and sought out someone who uses this, that she was able to start reclaiming her life again.  like you james...she choose to abuse drugs to try and deal with the pain that she had carried.  like my daughter in law...i would not be surprised if you were diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

the EMDR therapy is cutting edge...VERY fast in getting results...and can usually get through in a matter of months, what could take years with traditional therapy and counselling.  

please look into this james...it could save your life ! ! !  if you have any questions regarding this...i'll be happy to try and help.

[stilltrying1965]

Its time i took in all yo have said on this thread. Im trying hard to win my war against drugs and also deal with my past You have all been so nice to me i realy dont know how to thank you all I consider each and everyone of you as a a part of my family. But i will tell you all i have never felt pain like this before. I feel like i owe you all my life if i could deal with my abuse i think i would be more than half way there Thanks guys and gals ,,,,,,James

[LIZZIE LOU]

james...

PLEASE read my reply above.  THIS THERAPY WORKS ! ! ! !  

[vicki595]

James~ Listen to Lizzie...She knows what she's talking about.  I remember her writing about her daughter in law. She turned Heaven and earth to save that girl and it worked!!


And I read the notes from that guy/gal harassing you.  What a creep!!  But,James,who cares. It's just a computer screen and he's bored!!

Love~Vicki

[vicki595]

James~  Please follow Lizzie's advice. Also,stay in touch with her. She's a wonderful resource!

V.  xo

[avisg]

James Lizzie gave you a great resorse plz use it . It may help you rebuild your life so you can have the reationship with Kim that I know you want

[stilltrying1965]

I want to thank you all for your kindness and support. Im going to look into the link Lizzie lou gave me Thanks Lizzie. My life and marrage is still not going to well but i will do anything to make my marrage work Im happy about one thing i did not use so thats the only thing that made me happy although i came so close to losing my clean time. Iv never found life so hard as i am now Thanks again for all the support ,,,,Jamers