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Life's decisions and what they mean to those around us.
by MethMan, Nov 19, 2002 12:00AM
I can't speak for others, but for me, years of methadone addiction and the disease helped me become a very selfish individual.
With every day getting better, it becomes clearer to me the vast amends I must make to family and friends alike. Materialistic desires have but all vanished from my thoughts and are now being replaced with a desire to help repair emotional damage that I have caused without knowing until now.
The main benifactor of my relentless self pity and emotional wreckage was unfortunately my daughter as I was the only parent that was around to spend time with her. Mom was gone emotionally and physically most of the time so we went through life together.
Her undying love for her Dad and was shaken when after a car wreck, I was airlifted to the hospital and given Nubain. Since I was an opiate addict, detox occurred almost immediately and I began to yell and move uncontrollably. From the waiting room, my daughter heard me and ran back to see what the problem was only to encounter an ER doctor reviewing my chart and finally reading that I was on methadone. When she asked what was wrong, he yelled, "Your Dad is nothing more than an Addict.". Even in as rough a shape as I was, I still remember her face.
Forgiveness is easily attained simply by asking but the emotional pain and suffering of those around us could take years to repair if at all.
Most of us here have found a way to get back our lives. But what about those victims we left in our paths? Do they not deserve the same dedication and time we spend on ourselves?
God Bless,
Mike
With every day getting better, it becomes clearer to me the vast amends I must make to family and friends alike. Materialistic desires have but all vanished from my thoughts and are now being replaced with a desire to help repair emotional damage that I have caused without knowing until now.
The main benifactor of my relentless self pity and emotional wreckage was unfortunately my daughter as I was the only parent that was around to spend time with her. Mom was gone emotionally and physically most of the time so we went through life together.
Her undying love for her Dad and was shaken when after a car wreck, I was airlifted to the hospital and given Nubain. Since I was an opiate addict, detox occurred almost immediately and I began to yell and move uncontrollably. From the waiting room, my daughter heard me and ran back to see what the problem was only to encounter an ER doctor reviewing my chart and finally reading that I was on methadone. When she asked what was wrong, he yelled, "Your Dad is nothing more than an Addict.". Even in as rough a shape as I was, I still remember her face.
Forgiveness is easily attained simply by asking but the emotional pain and suffering of those around us could take years to repair if at all.
Most of us here have found a way to get back our lives. But what about those victims we left in our paths? Do they not deserve the same dedication and time we spend on ourselves?
God Bless,
Mike
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You helped me when I was down and for that I'm grateful. As addicts, we tend to see the bad in ourselves and not the good. I read the posts on this forum and there are so many helping hands. I know that I am hard on myself, as is most addicts I know.
It's my opinion that we must try to make ammends with those we hurt. It will be painful but unless we clean up our mess, I fear we will carry it around with us until we die. I know that if I don't attempt to reconcile, I will look back later in life and wished I had. I'm fortunate to have an understanding wife and family. They understand that it was not "me" that cut such deep scars.....it was my addiction.
Methman, you have been an inspiration to many on this board and for that you should feel some sense of pride. May you find the peace in your heart we're all searching for.
All the best,
Mike
Take care!
Suzie
Southernbelle...
There is a difference between slipping and falling. You slipped. Get up, dust yourself off and keep going. None of us are perfect. Maybe that is part of the disease talking to you. Look, I got you again. It's your choice. If you want to walk from it, then walk. You simply made a mistake. That's what humans do.. they make mistakes. It's what we do with the knowledge of these mistakes that makes us who we are.
Rock on Girl....
Mike
Well hope this was not too harsh!
Take care and you are in my prayers!
Suzie
e-mail me if ya like at ***@****
All of this is starting to sound way to familiar doesn't it.
You have always been kind to me and I have no reason to flame you BUT please try and understand he is very good people.
As for the other forum,it is great.No BS no rudeness only a helpful bunch of people communicating with each other.I know Mariposa came there and didn't make it there but that wasn't my fault it was hers.I only repeated the rules to her when she started her usual flaming.(And Mariposa don't start again please).It's the truth.As I said hellbent, mrmichael isn't an ******* or whatever you think.He is a very caring and informed
man.Sincerly,bmac
Here are some observations that I have gathered that MAY make sense and help you understand:
1. If your significant other is very defensive, combative and demanding, by you getting OFF meds, it's a sign of loosing CONTROL over you. This is in my case, I can not speak for yours.
2. Misery loves company. When someone is hurt, others WILL talk. "Ohh.. I'm having it hard. My Wife/Husband/Daughter/Brother/Sister/Aunt/Uncle is addicted and I have to bear the brunt. Woe is me. Don't give em the power.
3. New feelings are uncovered once we clear our head. Have they ALWAYS been there like this? Or are we just starting to see it now?
4. Society has labeled our disease as "shameful", therefore we try to hide ourselves from further injury. I've found a full frontal direct approach freaks them out. The occasional hand shake, "How ya doin'" (use southern drawl here) when prying for information really can be derailed by saying, "Well, I am finished detoxing from a major case of <enter drug of choice here> and feeling like ****. How are you doin'"?
I learned a cool tool when I got out of rehab about 2 1/2 weeks ago. When someone confronts you and you do NOT want to engage, then all you say is, "You may be right." and walk off. You're not saying they are right or they are wrong, but there is no where for them to go when you say that. Try it. They just stand there expecting you to argue and you lay that on em. They look at you like you've walked over their graves.
There's only one person that you can take care of really. You. Hang strong. There are those that would try to turn you back if they could. Don't feed them.
Love,
Mike
Here are some observations that I have gathered that MAY make sense and help you understand:
1. If your significant other is very defensive, combative and demanding, by you getting OFF meds, it's a sign of loosing CONTROL over you. This is in my case, I can not speak for yours.
2. Misery loves company. When someone is hurt, others WILL talk. "Ohh.. I'm having it hard. My Wife/Husband/Daughter/Brother/Sister/Aunt/Uncle is addicted and I have to bear the brunt. Woe is me. Don't give em the power.
3. New feelings are uncovered once we clear our head. Have they ALWAYS been there like this? Or are we just starting to see it now?
4. Society has labeled our disease as "shameful", therefore we try to hide ourselves from further injury. I've found a full frontal direct approach freaks them out. The occasional hand shake, "How ya doin'" (use southern drawl here) when prying for information really can be derailed by saying, "Well, I am finished detoxing from a major case of <enter drug of choice here> and feeling like ****. How are you doin'"?
I learned a cool tool when I got out of rehab about 2 1/2 weeks ago. When someone confronts you and you do NOT want to engage, then all you say is, "You may be right." and walk off. You're not saying they are right or they are wrong, but there is no where for them to go when you say that. Try it. They just stand there expecting you to argue and you lay that on em. They look at you like you've walked over their graves.
There's only one person that you can take care of really. You. Hang strong. There are those that would try to turn you back if they could. Don't feed them.
Love,
Mike
Mike
Peace my brother,
Mike
Sometimes I pray to God to help me completely out of the mess I got myself into with hydro, thinking I just want to get my life back and have the hydro use as nothing but a distant and hard to fathom memory.
This weekend some folks I know found their high school aged daughter dead in her bed. She had been in an accident several years ago, with a lot of facial damage. Apparently, there was some undetected opening into her skull from her sinuses and what would have otherwise been a minor infection killed her without warning.
So right now I'm thinking I'm very lucky and I need to stop all the whining I do (even if it's only to myself). I may have made a mess of things, but all the pieces were left more-or-less within reach. All I need to do is pick them up and hold them in place until the glue dries.
I don't know what I'd do if one of my 4 kids was snatched from me -- I don't think they make the type of glue needed to fix that.
CATUF
@51
There's an old saying I like. "There's no such thing as a normal life. There's just life. Get on with living it."
Another favorite of mine (which has nothing to do with this thread) is from Mark Twain.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have no influence in society."
For what it's worth...
All the best,
Mike
You asked when you crossed way over the appropriate boundaries into my PERSONAL email if I wanted you to stop posting here...that I could have this forum and you could have the other. My answer is yes...please. Please let me try to have peace here...I am really trying.
Lizzy, I wrote you a long email and aol kicked me off and I lost my hotmail email to you. Talk about frustrating, I will write you again in a little while..I'm still here with you.
Hugs
Suze
Well I have been reading your recent posts and couldn't agree more. My question is "How?"
How does someone like me, with pretty much everything going positively, get into a hell like this, voluntarily, no less!
I think I have figured out that at the heart of the Hydro addiction was my seemingly unsolvable Anxiety problem, for which I have been working on for 15 years now. Well the Vicodin helps with that, as well as being a miracle drug for my bad back, but now I am in worse shape mentally than ever. And I would cope with any physcial pain if I could avoid the mental pain and anxiety that Vicodin has brought.
Anyway, thanks for you and all the others' help here. And in the next week, I am going to really need it, because I am about to launch phase 3, which will be cold turkey.
I know from the great folks here that day 1 through 5 will be hell, but, bring it on. Am on Thomas Recipe, exericse, lot's of fluids, ibuprofren, and lots of prayer=the best of all.
Any other advice would be most appreciated. Otherwise I will be firing all guns here to coincide with my time off of work next week, when I can Hot tub it and sleep frequently.
I would like to ask everyone to pray for me, as I will for you.
Rex
Peace to your days!
Suzie
* God and His amazing Grace (def - undeserved kindness)
* This forum and the amazing supportive people here
* My kids & wife, who want me to win
* Thomas Recipe - working already (Thanks Methman, Hippee)
* Positive self talk
* Hot tubs - hot showers
* Ibuprofren - 800mg - 3 per day
* A distracted mind - get my mind on something else!
* HOPE - The knowledge that while it may get worse, it will eventually get better
* Benzos for anxiety (part of Thomas Recipe) - approach w/ caution - don't want to trade prob 1 for prob 2
* Sleep, naps, daytime TV, the Bachelor, any show featuring Phil Donahue, Cspan1 or 2, line at the post office - all trigger fatigue!
* * God and His amazing Grace (def - undeserved kindness)
Anyone else, if you have any other advice before I flip the switch, please chime in.
I promise to post my results and offer any support I can give.
Counting down to freedom
Rex
Southernbelle, I will e-mail you tomorrow Thanks
Hang in there, and I will say a prayer for you tonight. One thing that may help is for you to mention to your husband that you will be there when he needs you, and you know, he will, and you will deliver.
Visit this place as you need to and we will all be pulling for you.
There is an end victory for all us here, and if we walk together (pushing out the recent hatred filled posts) we will arrive together.
I don't care if that sounds hokey or not - I believe that!
God bless you tonight,
Rex
Lizzy, I am going to write you as promised, but I just wanted to say that I am glad that you got something for those headaches. I know nothing of stadol for headaches..but we used to use it on horses. Buthorphanol butate injectable for surgeries and such. I know my spelling is off. It is a controlled subtance, we had to keep it locked up..and it is addictive, but I dont know how addictive.
Bodymechanic.
I read your post to Mariposa and I feel the same way..I wouldn't want to marry anyone that would want to marry me. I often tell my husand that he deserves much better than a crippled, drug addict, spoiled *****. His answer to that. One good hour with you is worth all the bad ones. He doesn't need to deal with my problems, but till death do us part I guess. Twenty years married is a long time.
Okay, with that said. I am going to hobble around my room and look for more sharp figurines. My daughter is a pack rat and can' keep the stuff in her room..has to be in whatever room she is in.
Hugs,
suze
Lizzy, I am going to write you as promised, but I just wanted to say that I am glad that you got something for those headaches. I know nothing of stadol for headaches..but we used to use it on horses. Buthorphanol butate injectable for surgeries and such. I know my spelling is off. It is a controlled subtance, we had to keep it locked up..and it is addictive, but I dont know how addictive.
Bodymechanic.
I read your post to Mariposa and I feel the same way..I wouldn't want to marry anyone that would want to marry me. I often tell my husand that he deserves much better than a crippled, drug addict, spoiled *****. His answer to that. One good hour with you is worth all the bad ones. He doesn't need to deal with my problems, but till death do us part I guess. Twenty years married is a long time.
Okay, with that said. I am going to hobble around my room and look for more sharp figurines. My daughter is a pack rat and can' keep the stuff in her room..has to be in whatever room she is in.
Hugs,
suze
Day 3, you're more than likely gonna still feel pretty rough. But if you can, TRY to get up and move. Walk outside if there is space where no one will hassle you. It will take your mind off the situation and will help make you feel better. Also, just sitting under a hot shower did wonders for me. They temporarily take the skin crawls and aches away so you can get a small break in the action.
One thing.... I don't think I saw where you were getting any detox meds from your doctor. If that is the case, you may want to rethink that option. Clonidine helps early on as does Ibuprofin and a mild muscle relaxer. Your doctor can figure that all out... that's what I'm using and others have as well.
Word of caution: Clonidine, while it helps early in the process will also make you feel pretty fatigued later on. It's a BP med that also helps with detox somehow. There's a fine line with this one. You need it up front, but I'd suggest tapering off after 7 days. But then, your doctor will know what's best, not me. I can only speak with what I've experienced. And IF you doctor prescribes it, don't stop abruptly. I did that and thought my head was gonna come off. Those things are powerful.
Remember.. It WILL pass. You'll come out the other side better for the journey.
God Bless,
Mike
Lizzy..Plz remember that stadol is very addicting and much more poptent than morphine. I have been addicted to it for over 10 years! hope you feel better! I put ice bag on my head and it helps dull the pain tremendously!
thx,
Suzie
I used it once, and it made me feel really weird...spaced out and sick to my stomach. I didn't like it. I guess that is a good thing.
Suz
Suz
Desperately Yours,
InHell
l-tyrosine 1000 mgms 4 a day week 1 ,2 a day the next weeks.
b-6 100 mgs 2 a day
vitimines A c and E 2 A DAY OF EACH
A STRONG MULTI VITIMINE 1 A DAY
ZINC 1 ADAY
COPPER 1 A DAY
PHOSPHORUS 1 ADAY 500 MGMS
MANGANESE 1OMG 1 A DAY
CALSIUM-MAGNISUM 1 A DAY
IMODIUM (immodium) FOR THE 1ST WEEK
Gatorade for Electrolites
Three Hot showers a day or HotTub
I also added L-Glutamin, an Amino Acid, also available just about anywhere.
Also (and this is number one for me) is asking Jesus Christ for help and forgivenessm, which by the way, I do not deserve. But then, this is the definition of God's grace - undeserved kindness. I believe He wants me clean, so I am asking for His help.
I will pray tonight for you and LivingDeadGirl...
Rex
Thomas Detox Recipe
PLEASE NOTE: I am not a doctor, simply a long-time Rx opiate junkie who has had many opportunities to develop a way to detox. This is a recipe for at-home self-detox from opiates based on my experience as well as that of many other addicts. It is not intended as professional medical advice. It is always wise to make sure none of the recipe ingredients or procedures conflict with medications you may be taking. Likewise, if you have any medical condition, disease, allergy or any other health issue, consult your doctor before using the recipe. Thanks, Thomas
This recipe is designed for cold turkey opiate detox. It assumes that you can get about 5 to 7 days away from your job or household responsibilities during which you can sleep, veg and act as miserable as you feel. Opiate WD mimics the symptoms of the common flu, so, if you need a smokescreen, hide behind a bad case of the flu.
If you can't take time off to detox, I recommend you follow a taper regimen using your drug of choice or suitable alternate -- the slower the taper, the better.
For the Recipe, You'll need:
1. Valium (or another benzodiazepine such as Klonopin, Librium, Ativan or Xanax). Of these, Valium and Klonopin are best suited for tapering since they come in tablet form. Librium is also an excellent detox benzo, but comes in capsules, making it hard to taper the dose. Ativan or Xanax should only be used if you can't get one of the others.
2. Imodium (immodium) (over the counter, any drug or grocery store).
3. L-Tyrosine (500 mg caps) from the health food store.
4. Strong wide-spectrum mineral supplement with at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper and Magnesium.
5. Vitamin B6 caps.
6. Access to hot baths or a Jacuzzi (or hot showers if that's all that's available).
How to use the recipe:
Begin your detox with regular doses of Valium (or alternate benzo). Start with a dose high enough to produce sleep. Before you use any benzo, make sure you're aware of how often it can be safely taken. Different benzos have different dosing schedules. Taper your Valium dosage down after each day. The goal is to get through day 4, after which the worst WD symptoms will subside. You shouldn't need the Valium after day 4 or 5.
During detox, hit the hot bath or Jacuzzi as often as you need to for muscle aches. Don't underestimate the effectiveness of hot soaks. Spend the entire time, if necessary, in a hot bath. This simple method will alleviate what is for many the worst opiate WD symptom.
Use the Imodium (immodium) aggressively to stop the runs. Take as much as you need, as often as you need it. Don't take it, however, if you don't need it.
At the end of the fourth day, you should be waking up from the Valium and experiencing the beginnings of the opiate WD malaise. Upon rising (empty stomach), take the L-Tyrosine. Try 2000 mgs, and scale up or down, depending on how you feel. You can take up to 4,000 mgs. Take the L-Tyrosine with B6 to help absorption. Wait about one hour before eating breakfast. The L-Tyrosine will give you a surge of physical and mental energy that will help counteract the malaise. You may continue to take it each morning for as long as it helps. If you find it gives you the "coffee jitters," consider lowering the dosage or discontinuing it altogether. Occasionally, L-Tyrosine can cause the runs. Unlike the runs from opiate WD, however, this effect of L-Tyrosine is mild and normally does not return after the first hour. Lowering the dosage may help.
With breakfast, take the mineral supplement.
As soon as you can force yourself to, get some mild exercise such as walking, cycling, swimming, etc. This will be hard at first, but will make you feel considerably better.
PLEASE NOTE: If you have any medical complications, first check with your doctor before detoxing to verify that this regimen is safe for you.
Best of luck, you'll be in my prayers. Please keep us posted of your progress. You can beat this!!
I am the spouse of another doctor created addict...probably his 2nd besst enabler, as he has severe medical conditions which his doctor happily over prescribes for
Can you validate for me that at a certain point in opiate overuse that vomiting diarehea stomache cramping and pain will occur almost as soon as the level of narcotics dips below the accustomed dosage?
No, wait. If I get a reality check, I might have to deal with it. Reality, I mean.
I want to offer some herbal advice for the detox recipe...Lots (no less than a quart,daily, hot or cold)of chamomile tea with a capsule of valerian, when the valium runs out, or before, if you prefer not to switch seats on the titanic...Milk thistle, 1 to 3 capsules a day to support liver functions and move toxins out, burdock root to promote sweating, chickweed and 3 to 6 caps of chorella for promoting good health and sense of well being, amazing source of b vitamens and amino acids plus iron magnesium, vitamen a, k and c....I would happily recommend it in addition to your detox recipe, and for a daily maintainence schedule after initial withdrawl.
The hardest part sometimes, I think, is not picking it back up again. The drugs, I mean. I can't stand that I have lost my husband to a time released reality glitch. And that he seems to prefer it that way. And what on earth can match the feel good of morphine? It hurts me to the core.
Best of luck to the person looking for the withdrawl recipe. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.