Looking for advice on helping a friend...

I have a friend that I used to be very close to, but lost contact with a few years ago.  I recently reconnected with her only to find out that she had gotten pretty heavy into drugs the last 2 years or so.  This was quite a shock since she didn't even smoke pot or anything when I knew her.  Anyways, she had an overdose a few months back and was clinically dead at one point.  She got out of the hospital and soon after she relapsed.  Six weeks ago she made the decision on her own (definitely a good sign) to admit herself into a 90 day inpatient treatment facility.  The area she lives in has some bad problems with drugs and all her friends for the most part are addicts also.  The idea of her getting out of rehab only to go back to the same old thing scares the hell out of me.  After quite a bit of thought, I offered for her to come stay with me (clear on the other side of the country) upon completion of her treatment.  She has agreed to it and we went over the "rules" as far as my zero tolerance policy for drug use in my home and her getting a job and such to return to being a product part of society again.  I realize that this could prove to be a very difficult situation for me, but I feel this person is worth the risk.  She seems to be doing really well so far in rehab and is happy to be "herself" again for the first time in years and is excited to get a shot at a fresh start.

Any suggestions you folks have for me as far as giving my friend the best environment for success with this would be greatly appreciated.  I have personally never had any sort of substance abuse problems so as much as I care about her and will be there as a support system for her, I don't pretend to know the first thing about what she is going through right now.  Would it be wise to gather up information on local narcotics anonymous meetings and counseling services before she gets here or leave that stuff up to her?  This is a whole new world for me so I've got roughly 6 weeks to soak up as much knowledge as possible!

[Carrie76]

I think that would be a great idea..as long as she stuck to the rules. If the town is big into drugs and all her friends are addicts, then her chances of staying clean after she gets out is virtually nil to none if she stays in that town. A fresh start with a friend across the country would be great. It would be like her being able to start fresh and new. Yes, I would gather up all the info I could find on therapists, NA meetings, PA meetings, and just give her the info when she gets there and she could decide which ones to go to and when.

[justlikeyou]

she needs to want it, it doesnt matter how much you want it for her.

if she is completely dedicated to living a clean life i say maybe you can help, but if she is kinda 'whatever' your wasting your time.

[AK4900PA]

I definitely realize that when it comes down to it, it's going to be on her whether she stays clean or not.  All I can do is offer support and a more productive atmosphere for her.  I'll get together some info on local services for her to look at before she arrives.  Let her decide where she wants to get help from.

I would hope that she does want it for herself.  She checked into the treatment center completely on her own and has remained there for 6 weeks so far.  She is completely unmedicated at this point.  No methadone, no anti-depressants, nothing.

What does PA stand for?

[Carrie76]

Pills Anonymous

[IBKleen]

Hi and Welcome!

The fact that she is in a 90 day treatment program is a real good sign. However, if she does not get a good solid aftercare program..well.... By that I mean counseling and NA/AA meetings. The rule is to stay away from people, places and things.

I am a drug addict and I will tell you for certain..that if I wanted drugs bad enough? I could find them in the middle of the Sahara Desert. There is nothing I would not do if I decided to use again.

Talk to her and ask her what kind of aftercare program the rehab offers. Also, your policy is a good one. I applaud you for that. Still, you can't keep her clean...only SHE can.

Good luck hun, and keep posting. Get all the info you can.

Take care.

[AK4900PA]

I'm going to talk to her again tonight.  Unfortunately I only get to speak to her for 5 minutes at a time while she's in there so it's a bit difficult to have any sort of conversation, but I will make sure to ask her about what sort of aftercare programs she would be interested in trying and I'll gather up brochures and such before she gets here.    My biggest concern with her going to NA meetings is her being around other addicts.  I will accompany her to the meetings though, if that makes it any easier on her.  We'll see.  Got alot of details to work out.  Just have to do it one day at a time.  

Her and myself were in a serious relationship for quite a few years and both of us still have strong feelings for each other so I'm hoping that won't complicate things too much.  She already inquired the other day when I spoke to her about the possibility of us getting back together and while that would make me very happy, I tried to downplay it as much as possible and told her that priority #1 right now is HER.  Getting her life back on track.  Everything else is secondary right now.

Thanks for the advice guys/gals!

[IBKleen]

You may not be able to accompany her to meetings. Certain meetings are closed..meaning for addicts only. Very few are open. You need to ask permission to be there. Also therapy is for her and personal issues. They may include you at some point down the road, but in the beggining she needs to deal with her.

I have to tell you. You are one heck of a good friend, but you can't lead her around and hold her hand, such as taking her to meeings. At some point..there has to be trust..on both ends. Stick with your plan, if she screws up, she is out. YOU can't keep her clean, she has to want it.

It is also strongly advised that she does not get into a relationship for a year. That is so she can concentrate on herself and her issues. She needs to deal with "her" before she can deal with "us".

Like I said..be there..support her. But she has to WANT to do this for HER. So, give her room to prove herself. It won't take long before you know if she is serious or not.

I wish you luck hun. Get all the infor you can. I just don't want to see you hurt or disappointed. Forewarned is forearmed.

[AK4900PA]

I kinda have to go to the meetings anyways since she doesn't drive at all.  Whether or not I was to go in would be completely up to their policies and her wishes.  I wouldn't go in with her unless I was asked, but I would be driving her to and from the meetings.  

The idea is to take her out of the toxic environment she's in, help her get into aftercare programs, get a job, introduce her to some drug free people and hope that she really wants it bad enough.  I'll will be there for her 24/7 while she's here, but I will try not to hover over her.  Just to be there when called upon.

Thanks alot!  I got alot to do before she gets here!

[beachtowel]

what an outstanding friend to have I wish I would of known someone like you when I was going through some very tough times......

Together both of u should attend a narconon meeting and share the experience together....and then go together to an open speaker N/A meeting.......and share that experience........

This young lady may relapse but don't me mad at her personally its the addict that is fighting to come back alive.......

Again for what your doing for this friend is special but don't forget that your dealing with an addict..

[AK4900PA]

Thanks for the kind words...I just hope my efforts prove worthwhile.  I truly believe she wants to quit and I pray that I'm right.

If she asked me too, I would be more than happy to attend any meetings with her that she'd like.  I'm sure the NA meetings would be helpful for her as an addict, but also for myself as far understanding what she's going through.  The only addiction I've ever had was cigarettes so I obviously have no clue what she is dealing with.  She gets her phone time in about an hour so I'll make sure to say something to her about aftercare programs.  I'm sure she has plenty of time to think there and counselors to speak with so she can get an idea of what she needs to do for herself once she leaves the treatment facility.

[FLaddict]

I would also try to find her a outpatient counselor or tell her to ask the rehab to recommend somewhere. she will not only need meetings but also someone to work with on her issues personally. this is great that she has a friend like you.. she really could have a chance to make it.

[AK4900PA]

I spoke to her earlier and she said that she does want to attend the NA meetings.  She doesn't seem to feel like she'll need the counseling.  Personally, I think it would be beneficial for her to discuss the underlying issues in her life that led her to drugs in the first place.  That is primarily what she is doing in treatment right now.  A lot of introspection.  I'm not going to push it on her, but I will get pamphlets and such for local services and make sure she has them to look over.  She seems really excited to be able to get a fresh start.  

Anyone know of any sites that could point me in the direction of a good outpatient counseling program in my area?

[FLaddict]

I would just hit up google then see if they have web sites, or call local rehabs and see where they refer out to, or if they have any outpatient programs there,

[IBKleen]

Good for you hun. I was waiting for your post.

I don't know where you are located..but the google search is a good idea. If she is willing to go out of state for rehab (which you didn't mention speaking about), there are a lot of ppl who could make recommendations. I could mention a few. Perhaps that is an option? If she spent time in a treatment center, it would give her time to get to the underlying issues.

I need to ask? Aside from her, how do you feel? I know this has been so difficult and exhausting for you and your friends. Are YOU OK?

Hope to see you post.

[AK4900PA]

I'm located in Pennsylvania, she is in Alaska.  She's roughly halfway through her 90 day stay at an inpatient treatment center up there and from what she's told me the main focus there is on self reflection and getting down to the underlying issues.  She definitely wants to do the NA meetings at least weekly, but didn't seem to have any interest in the counseling services.  Like I said, I'll get the information together and just leave that up to her.  

I'm doing good.  I was pretty emotional when I first learned of what she was dealing with, but since she's agreed to come down and appears to really want to stop I'm very optimistic.  I have some friends that are very supportive of my trying to help her and a few that tell me to just write her off as a lost cause.  I'll do what I feel is right and they can take it or leave it.

At this point I'm waiting on her to decide exactly what day she wants to leave Alaska to come here.  Ideally, I would like to see her on a plane within 24 hours of leaving treatment.  I figure that leaves a much smaller window of opportunity to run into the wrong people.  

[FLaddict]

Where in PA are you??  i worked in a rehab there and may be able to recommend somewhere if she ends up wanting to go for some counseling.

[AK4900PA]

I live in Pottsville, PA.  So far I've found these two programs which may be worth looking into...

http://www.gsrmc.com/services_03.htm

http://www.whitedeerrun.com/location.wdr.pottsville.asp

I'm sure there are other programs nearby, but those two are both within a half mile of my house.  Considering she does not drive those would be ideal just in case I'm not able to take her there at certain times.

I'll leave that up to her, but I'll definitely go pickup some brochures/pamphlets from those two places in the next week or so, so that she can look them over at least.  She is going to do the NA meetings for sure, but I think the counseling is something that is at least worth trying.  It can't hurt.

[IBKleen]

Hi again!

Listen, you are only about 45 minutes from me. Any help I can give, just shout out.........

You are doing all the right things for her. Dont mind me..you said she was in rehab, I knew that, and then I mentioned her going to rehab...DUR..sometimes my brain is not in gear with my fingers...LOL

We both think counseling would benefit her, but again..she has to want it. She has time left, perhaps she will change her mind. At least for now, she is safe.

Hope to hear from you....

[AK4900PA]

Good to know I've got someone nearby!  

I really think the one on one sessions with a professional would be beneficial to her so I will definitely make sure the information is readily available to her, but at the same time I'm not going to force her into anything she doesn't want to do.  I was just glad to hear that she had already planned on doing the NA meetings.  Thats a start!

As soon as I get a day off I'll go gather up some of the information on NA and counseling services.  I'm also going to pick her up some job applications for her.  I'll be working on getting her room setup this weekend.  Anything else I should be doing or looking into before her arrival?  I'm all ears!

[AK4900PA]

I just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago while she still says she wants to come down here, she's starting to come up with excuses to postpone leaving.  Obviously whether or not she wants to accept my help is completely up to her.  I hope she does, but it's ultimately her decision.  She gets out of treatment on the 8th of November at first she said she wanted to stay 'till the end of November to collect her check from the state.  Alaska gives out a "dividend" check to all residents yearly, roughly $1600, and she wants to get that before leaving.  I tried explaining to her that her dad can forward the check to her down here once it arrives, and that I have no problem paying for her cigarettes and food for her for the three weeks or so until the check arrives and she has some money.  After I solved that problem, she told me that she met a guy in the treatment facility that she wants to "hook up" with before leaving.  She's a big girl and can do whatever she pleases, but hooking up with some guy she met at rehab doesn't sound like the most productive move to me.  As much as I want to help her, she's going to have to give me some reassurance that she is sincerely looking for a fresh start at a quality life and not just a free place to stay.  I really care about this person, but I'm not looking to be used or taken advantage of.  I'm gonna give her sister a call (they're very close) and see if she has any additional insight into what exactly is going through her mind right now.  She's never lived anywhere else other than Alaska so I'm sure the thought of moving clear across the country is pretty scary to her right now.  Hopefully thats all there is to it.  Taking it day by day at this point.

[hillary5]

maybe you could get her to agree to random home drug testing... that way maybe it will ease your mind on whether she's doing this for real and not just a place to stay ... but on the other hand  you don't want her to feel like she can't be trusted .. sticky situation w/that idea .. but who knows it may work .. i mean if i were in your situation i think i probably would make that one of the requirements ... you can buy them at CVS, Walgreens, on-line .. they have diff ones, some that test just for marijuana, some for pot and coke and others that are like a 20 panel kit that basically tests for everything ... its just an idea ... but you do what you feel is right for you and her ... i REALLY hope she does decide to come and stay with you, you are an AWESOME FRIEND and i hope she sees that you are willing to basically put your life aside to help her .. i think that is wonderful!!!!
on another note, they tell you in rehab to not get involved in a relationship for at least a year, that way you can work on yourself and have no other distractions...it can be hard but it can be done ... anyways, i wish you both the best in her recovery!!!!  like i said before you are a great friend!!!! peace!!

[IBKleen]

Hi HUN!

OMG..remember what I said earlier? It is STRONGLy recommended that you do not enter into a relationship for a t least a year. That is so you can work on yourself (I am talking about her). She is absolutely setting herself up for failure. If she gets into a relationship she will not deal with the problems at hand. A relationship during treatment, or shortly thereafter, is like replacing the drug.

She is also making excuses by saying she is waiting for the check. It is an excuse! There are ways to get around that..as you told her. It doesn't sound like she is committed.

I don't know what treatment facility she is in..but they should have a keen eye on her. When I was in treatment..it was a great big "NO-NO". We were not allowed to hang together. Men with the men..women with the women. They were very strict about that.

I have seen this situation time and time again. I can honestly tell you, in all my years in NA...I never saw it work out. There is just so much "garbage" to take care of..mentally...you are unable to develop a relationship with the opposite sex.

In a perfect world..I would love to see her get out of treatment...go directly to a meeting...90 meetings in 90 days..just for starters...get a sponsor...immediately..of the SAME sex...and get into therapy/counseling. That's a perfect world.

I have said from the beginning that I commend you for your efforts. There may come a time when you have to simply take care of you and let her go. She does not sound as committed to her recovery as you do. There is a possibility that she has not hit her bottom. Sad, but true.

I feel so bad for you. You have put a lot into this. I hope it all works out..for BOTH of you. You are still in my prayers. Keep us posted.

Hugs at you............

[AK4900PA]

I won't do random drug tests simply for the reasoning that I don't want her to feel like I don't trust her, but you can bet your a$$ that if I have any suspicions or reason to believe she is using again she will be taking a test.  Before I hung up with her she did agree to leaving Alaska on the 10th which seems reasonable.  That gives her 48 hours to say goodbye to her family and pack all her stuff.

I'm not sure what the situation is with the guy she met in rehab.  She admits that getting involved with anyone right now, let alone another recently recovering addict, is a bad idea so I'm not sure what is going through her mind on that one.  Hopefully her sister will be able to clue me in a bit better in regards to that situation.  I asked her how she is even around the guys since I know they are segregated at the treatment facility and she said "there are ways around that".

I talk to her every night for 5 minutes at a time so I'll try to get a better idea of exactly what is going on in the next few days.  She has always been an extremely self sufficient person so I can understand her not wanting to come down here completely broke and having to depend on me financially, but I assured her that it is a non-issue with me.  If she sticks with the 10th of November as her departure date I believe that to be a reasonable compromise.  I do still very much believe that she is committed to staying clean, but between the loss of the drugs as a "crutch" for her, all emotions being brought up to the forefront in her therapy and the idea of making a move to a new and unfamiliar area I'm sure she has to be scared out of her mind right now.

[FLaddict]

White deer run is a great place. i went to a great rehab program through them in 1999 and stayed off heroin after that..  
As someone who has been in rehabs, and also worked in them, tell her to leave the guy alone..
2 screwed up people don't make a right.. I have seen this happen 100's of times. Its bad news.. for real...People get into treatment and now that they don't have drugs they use anything they can to make them feel good, its trading one secret for another... Please level with her... its bad. i have seen people relapse this way, and even myself met a guy in rehab and 6 months later we were on a 'run" to buy drugs together... so from experience its bad news all around.. trust me

[AK4900PA]

I appreciate the recommendation towards white deer run.  I'll definitely check them out.

She knows that getting involved with someone right now, especially someone else in her rehab, is a really bad idea.  She acknowledged that when I spoke to her.  Considering her and I have a past as a couple it's difficult for me to say much about this without her taking it as me trying to be controlling or as jealousy though.

Also, because of our past history, I wouldn't be surprised if her telling me about this guy and saying she wants to stay up there a little longer so she can have "a chance to have sex with him" was her way of testing me to see how I would react to something like that.  Who knows, women are such strange creatures.  :)

I think I may read your last post to her, FLaddict.  Coming from someone who's been in the place she is at now it may have more impact than me telling her.

[IBKleen]

She is in White Deer Run? I am lost..I thought she was in Alaska?

I have had experience with White Deer..not a good one. Fladdict ws there in '99. I think a lot has changed. They are not very strict these days about "men with the men, women with the women", as they were years ago. Just my experience, and a recent one with a family member. Just want to be honest with my experience. But, everyone's is different. This is why this forum is so helpful...we can all agree to disagree and you will still find help.

Bottom line..she will get out of it what she makes of it. I don't care where you go. One may be better than the other..but if she applies herself..100%, it doesn't matter where she is.

Heck, I went to Hazeldon in Minnesota in 1988. It is #1 in the country..I didin't make it. So, like I said..it is what you make it.

Good to hear from you again.

[FLaddict]

Its for outpatient when she moves to PA and its WDR in Pottsville.. I figured since they have been around a long time it would be a good place to call to find outpatient programs. I went to the main campus White Deer to their ' "Chronic relapse" program.. they kinda beat the heavens out of you emotionally... it worked for me at the time but I was also a 19 yr old heroin addict who needed a swift kick in the you know what....

[AK4900PA]

No, I meant in a place she's at emotionally not physically.  She is in a treatment facility in Anchorage, Alaska.  I'm not sure of the name, but it's a program run by the Salvation Army.  I was just looking at white deer run as an option for outpatient counseling when she gets here.

I just spoke with her sister a minute ago and she said the exact same thing that I had been thinking in regards to the guy at rehab.  The sister said that comment was more than likely directed towards me purely to see what sort of reaction she would get out of me.  

I'm going to shoot for having her on a plane on the 10th which should give her ample time for packing and goodbyes without enough free time to do anything she may regret.  I'm sure she could stay up there for a few weeks to wait for her check without a relapse, but it seems to me like an unnecessary risk.  I feel like sooner is better.  Get out of treatment, get settled in down here, start the NA meetings and then start looking for a job.  Gotta get her as busy as possible, as quickly as possible!

[FLaddict]

Are there any half way houses or three quater houses near you??  Maybe that would be a good idea. Its a step between rehab and reality. They get jobs. Have curfew, counsleing, there is like a "mom" so to speak. They are required to attend meetings and they usually provide transportation. Something to think about.. another option.

Now.. i dont want to get all up in your business but is this whole you and her thing a good idea?? Do you still have romantic feelings for this girl??  I am saying this only concerned for her recovery and what could distract her. Or if she thinks you are "saving her like a knight on a white horse"  I really am not trying to pry into your business.

[IBKleen]

FLaddict...Thanks hun..I told you my brain was not in gear..LOL.Now I understand. Like I said, different opinions/experiences/suggestions is what makes this forum tick. See? I wasn't even aware that they have outpatient facilities. I don't want to say too much here, but there are some good..up-and-coming facilites in Hazleton. That is closer I think from where AK is located. WDR is a drive from here..about an hour west.

I have to laugh. My last rehab..the one that stuck for many, many years is a place in PA. These folks beat me senseless also. They were the first place to truly teach me the meaning of "humble". GOD bless them. I struggled with that oconcept. But they were persistant..geezz..downright obnoxious..but it is what I needed, and it worked. Anyway, thanks for the correction.

So..AK? I think you are being generous by letting her have two days to get everything straigtened out and get here. It is a god plan. You are right on the money with getting her busy..getting a job..., etc. You have done your homework.

This is such a warm and heartfelt thread.

Getting beyond tired here. I may finally get some good sleep tonight. My body needs it.

AK..again..pls keep us posted. You hang in there.

Nite all..hugs......

[FLaddict]

Actually there is a small White Deer right near Pottsville,( there was anyway).. I grew up near State College. and I was sent to a white deer near Clarion(??) I think.. during my tour of PA rehabs as a youngster.. WDR has a few locations ( I have been to 2 of them) and several outpatient centers I think they even have a womens half way house near the main campus..

[AK4900PA]

There is actually a WTD location right in pottsville.  It's like 3 blocks from my house.  I'd like to see her go to at least one counseling session there to decide for herself if it will be worthwhile to her.

I want to thank all of you that have been following my posts on here and offering advice and/or suggestions to best prepare me for this.  You've all been a huge help!  I will definitely show her this site when she gets down here if she feels the need to talk to people in similar situations on a more anonymous level.

[AK4900PA]

I was really hoping to see her complete the full 90 days in treatment, but she has decided she's ready to go.  She checked herself out Thursday night and I've got her leaving Alaska on Sunday afternoon.  As much as I would have liked to have seen her do the full 90 days, she does seem to be doing really well right now.  She's staying with her sister, a stay at home mom, until she leaves on Sunday.  She's attended NA meetings each of the three days that she has been out and intends to attend her first NA meeting down here within a few hours of her arrival.  Still working on talking her into the counseling sessions.  Anyways, all is well so far except for the fact that I'm running around trying to get everything prepared for her arrival in 4 days instead of the 6 weeks or so that I thought I had!  :)

[johnnykelly]

BE-Carful. The person obviously has changed. I hopoe her drug of choice is not crack cocaine,crackheads are diobolical. That Drug is pure evil. THE person if relapse occurs will take you for granted,rip you off steal your car,credit cards- etc. In my opinion ahalfway/transition house would be better for you and her .REmember in treatment they promise the world. Action without works is nothing.Run it past her,if and when is is imployed,clean and sober- if necessary then you can re-evaluate  BE-Carful john

[IBKleen]

Hi HUn!

Please don't misunderstand...but I am very worried for you. When I finally got to rehab, I did NOT want to be there. I was court ordered. I did 60 days and by the time I was ready to leave??? I begged to stay. I was so afraid to leave.

The fact that she is leaving on her own and thinks that is all she needed, speaks volumes of her mindset.

Please, please be careful. I am concerned because you are not an addict and we (addicts), are capable of being sneaky..so many things I can't even list them.

Please keep posting. Any questions..any concerns..feel free to ask.

I will keep both of you in my prayers.