Lortab addiction

[CynTrin]

HELP!!  I am a married mother of an 11 year old daughter who is the world to me.  My dirty little secret is that I am addicted to pain pills in a very bad way.  I am fixing to go through de toxing at home for the millioneth time tommorow.  I am so scared, i have failed so many times in the past.  My addiction started 7 yrs ago, just taking  half a lortab a day just for the high.  Last year my compnay went through a merger and after 12 yrs with the company we were let go.  During this time I doctor shopped, emergency room visits, quickcare and started usuing so much till I started buying them off the streets too.  I have spent ridiculous amounts of money and have neot even tried to find a job because I feel so lost when I do not have my pills.  I go through more mental than physical with withdrawals, and I am terrified. After a couple of days, I get so scared that my life is gonna feel this empty and I have no energy to even bathe that I go back to using.  Pleas someone give me some advice!

[tulsa1966]

Hey Cyn, You would never allow anyone else to beat you up like that, We are human, and make mistakes. The key is to learn from the mistakes and to better. Every try means you want to do better. I know how hard this is. I thought for sure that this was going to be as smooth and easy as pie. WRONG. I am not struggling to stay clean from vics because i still crave it, my struggle is to shut the crap in my head up. I want to take a handful right now cause I am sick of the constant crying, I feel every minute it's getting harder to breathe. I went to sleep last nite praying not to wake up this morning and had the nerve to cuss this morning when I did get up. This is a mess. But I made a promise to myself (never broke a promise to anyone) to ride out this storm and rise the victor(ia). I just hope that we stay positive for each other. We all are truly blessed to have been able just to come to the point of admitting and trying to stop the madness. Good luck to us all.

[Christina99]

I know exactly how you feel! The secrecy, the shame, the money!! All just to "feel better!" I have been sick and tired for so long! So 18 days ago I said enough!! Damnit it's hard! But at the end of every day I feel like I won! Even if I just spent the day in bed I still won! The people on this forum are great, I can't say that enough! I wish u all the best!!! Stay strong!

[Kell2184]

I was right there with you except I have three children. I had my two oldest children stay with their dad and my youngest son stayed with his grandma for two days. I am 18 days sober and the first week was the hardest. I was taking loritabs, tramadol, percs you name it I got my hands on it. I went through h*ll and back to detox almost caved and signed myself into the hospital detox but I much rather wanted to be home alone and sleep it off which I did most of the time. When my kids were gone I took melotonin and slept as much as I could. It was much better then being awake and luckily my body was exhausted from being high all the time and only sleeping a couple hours everyday for months at a time. Anyways I want to give you as much strength as I can to help you get through this as you have already done it 20 times before. Once you get past the first week you will be glad you did it. Good luck my friend if you ever need support I am here for you!

[36bobrich]

Methadone is the hardest drug to detox from bc it literally lasts for weeks. I beat it and haven't taken one in a year but I still think about them sometimes. I will be praying for u, please do this for yourself.

[36bobrich]

I would reccomend going through a 3 day rapid detox, followed by at least a 30 day stay in rehab. I quit this way and by following up with a doctor who put me on medication for anxiety and depression. It will be terrible, but if you just remind yourself the reason your doing it, u can get through it. I tried and failed so many times doing it on my own, like u did, and there was a point for me that I finally said I can't do this by myself. Also, if you are a spiritual person try going to AA or NA, they did nothing for me personally, but I know many people who have found success this way. Good luck in the weeks to come.

[bama88]

First off your not stupid. The dang pills are. Did you get everything you need? Are ya ready? Dont focus on the detox. Grrrr. Thats easier said than done right? Just go with the flow. So what if this is your 21st time. Big deal. Hey at least ya know what to expect. Lol. Lol. Insert evil laugh. Just playing. The worst part is letting go. I know. The mental stuff takes over and starts talkkng. Dont listen to yourself. Remember your brain and body will do everything in its power to keep ya using. Its crazy. But. Sounds like your ready. Im gonna add you to my prayer list. Stay close to the forum. Post anything and everything. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

[CynTrin]

Chris

Twenty times is just plain stupid  lol...after a couple of days i was ready to be back at the pills again...but not this time, I have a life waiting for me after I get outta this fog and instead of giving up after a couple of days and thinking I should be better I realized it takes time and I am just going to have to be patient and realize it gets better!

[CynTrin]

I was so glad to read your post.  Today is day one, I took my last methadone this morning, was taking them for three days to knock the edge off of the lortabs, Im sure it's till gonna be hell, but I am ready.  I just went to the store and stocked up on fruit, gatorade and soup.  I have been a recluse for the past year, I have turned away from frieds and family because I just didnt want them to know.  Im ready to have my life back just as you are, and I am so glad I found this site.  I would never detox for over three days and then I was back at it, so this time Im going the distance.

[tulsa1966]

Cyn, I too wonder about the same things. I am SO very thankful for this forum. I have read every post and they gave me courage to toss em (the pills). I just am really scared for me emotionally. I just take it a bit at a time and do just what the heck i feel whether it screaming or crying or whatever. I am a wreck but thankfully i have AAA and hope I can be restored. Just hang in with the process, keep reading the posts. Some of them are quite funny and actually made me feel better about me. It is amazing to know it's not just me suffering with this. I am trying so hard to come out of my fog. For years I have told myself that I didn't need anyone I had three docs giving me anything I wanted for years, vicodin, morphine, Fentanyl, and Opana. So I got foggy and stayed there. I suddenly woke up a few days ago and told myself that i needed a hug not a high.

[Thorazineme]

If you've detoxed over 20 times on your own, you must be strong enough to get through this for your daughter and yourself

[bama88]

Oh one more thing before i go. You run your life. Not pills. Look at it that way. Think of all rhe money you will save. Think of all that wasted ambition on chasing pills. Think of all things positive. Dont focus on the negatives. Attitude is key. Doing the right things lead us to the right places. Id love to stay and chat but im going to bed. Ill check on you tomorrow. Dont sweat this too much. For whatever reason we tend to get over obsessive about life without pills. It happens to all of us durring the detox. I remember tearing up my car to find that pill i dropped. Crazy huh? But true.

[bama88]

Oops i hit submit. Lol. Anyways i was saying without aftercare id be back on the ride we dont like. The easy part is the detox. Staying clean is work. I didnt get that for a long time. So this time i am going to do it differently. I wish you succsess. Its so different when the fog lifts. There be sunshine out of the fog. Youll see.

[bama88]

Oh i know exactly how you feel. We all feel the same way. The planning the counting the chasing. I felt like a dog that chases his tail in circles. Lol. Think of it like this.... Yes you will get sick. Embrace it. When your detoxing think of all the posion leaving your body. Then be prepared for your brain to play all kinds of crazy tricks on you. Recongnize it as thats your addiction talking. Dont listen to it. Yes you might get depressed. That will pass too. I was a heavy oxy user. And i didnt surrender easy. I fought the detox. I fought the whole process. Now i have learned to surrender. Go with the flow. As long as im flowing in the right direction lol. I think that is key. Surrender instead of fighting. I was so obsessed with ok ive stopped using. I want to feel better now. That didnt work for me. Not at all. When i gave in to the whole process. And realized i was sick. Sick of it all and learned some patience things improved. I take it minute by minute now. Day to day. Before id have tjmelines and that didnt work. Did that make sense? I still have trouble communicating lol. So get everything you can for the thomas receipe and settle in for a week. Then after ya feel better or welk enough to get out of the house go to a na meeting. Aftercare is so important. Without it id be back on my rollercoaster

[CynTrin]

Thak you guys for the responses..It means a lot!  I am actually going to start tommorrow, my litle girls goes to her daddy's for a week, so this will give me a week to do this.  I have never joined a support group of any kind, but yes it feels good to finally admit I am addicted.  I have probably detoxed over 20 times, each time diferent, but still awful.  The thing I struggle with the most, is the guilt feelings of not being a good wife or good mother, if I was I wouldn't want to do this to myself, but I have found I am a great mother that just has an addiction.  I am scared to let it go any longer as it has gotten extremely expensive and everything I do revolves around my stash.  I dont even want to go anywhere if I am running low on pills, pitiful huh?  During detoxing I always start thinking...what if I never feel good again?  Am I aways gonna feel this hopeless as I do when Im withdrawing?  I feel helpess without the pills, BUT I also know I no longer want them to run my life like they have been for the past 4 years.  Thak you for listening

[bama88]

And now that the cat is out of the bag...don't ya feel better? When are you gonna go thru detox?

[bama88]

Welcome to our forum. Youll find alot of support and some very knowledgeble people that can help. How many times have you detoxed? I know you stated many failed attempts in the past. Addiction is a hard disease to control. Youll need a good strong support group. And i recomend aftercare after you detox. Its not easy to stay sober. But it is definatley worth it. Its scarey to admit you have an addiction. But it takes alot of courage to admit youve got a problem. I want to welcome you. And reassure you you can do this. Remember the old saying "you can do anything you set your mind to". Well this is true in addiction. Youve got to want it. Then put in the work. It really is worth the effort. And everyone here will support and help you thru.

[CynTrin]

Hi, I have thought about this and feel like it would be what I need to do, but I have no insurance right now and I am so active in her life...I feel like a failure admitting this to her or anyone else.  Only three people know and I am so ashamed I have let this take hold of me.  I used to be this funy, carefree person with a wonderful job and now I am a shell of my former self.  I did look in to Narcotics anonymous and they do have nightly meetings very close to my area that I am planning on going to.  I have never reached out to anyone about this because of the shame it brings.  I not only took lortab, but anything I could get my hands on...Lortab, Percocet, loracet, Oxycontin, and methadone...I have looked into some of the rehab places here locally but they are so expensive and I am struggling so badly right now...

[Thorazineme]

Just my .02, it sounds like your process of home Detoxing isn't a long enough process and since it's not in a controlled environment it becomes too easy for you to relapse at any time.  Is it possible for your daughter to stay with her father or another relative while you go to an actual Rehab facility after Detox?