Losing my mind without the pain pills - hopeless, irritable, moody, MAD, sad - total apathy

I've eaten some 400+ pills in the last month and every - single - one is gone.  I have officially milked my pain pill back-ups.  
I've wanted to quit since before I went on this binge but if they were in the house or someone I knew had them I could make any excuse to eat them.  A few times I got so pissed off that the pills had such control over me I'd flush what I had only to find bottles more.  AHH
Luckily I'm not experiencing withdraw because I visited a friend today and ate a few ultram to help with the cramps.  I have another 4 for tomorrows cramps and after that I'm SOL.  
I'm so ******* disgusted with the amount of money I've spend buying the damn things the last couple of months.  The lies I've told my friends and family just so I could shove them into my mouth.  The HUNT - oh god, the hunt - I'm so ashamed.  I've spent the last month waking up at 3, 4, 5 am only to get excited that I'd be able to go back to sleep and wake up at 8 to eat more pills.  My tolerance is so high that I've been needing some 3,500 mgs of the **** 4 times a day.  I'm SO worried about my liver but don't have insurance so I can't find out if I'm going to die from all the damn acetaminophen I've been feeding myself.  
I've been SO STUPID!
I've lied to everyone but been completely honest with myself.  Every time I reached in my bag for more it was with a heavy heart full of guilt.  
I even tried going to an NA meeting but 8 of those 10 people were high and I knew it.  I stopped using heroin and cocaine in jan of 04 and have been okay all this time but the last 6 months or so have been rough.  I started having gall bladder attacks and when I went to the ER they'd give me a shot of morphine and a script of vicodin and there the affair began again.
I'm just so sick at myself.  I can't believe how out of control I've let it become.
It's over, though.  I don't have insurance so I can't see a doctor - I don't have any more money, I've already spent hundreds and hundreds this month alone... my parent's pills have been replaced with tylenol - as have my friends and other family's
I'm a terrible person.  I'm a MOM  -  I should have more control over this kind of ****.  I'm just so very disappointed in myself.  
I'd go to rehab in a minute if I could bring my children and afford it but both excuses are holding me back and there's not a chance I'd go w/out my girls.
The pills make life easier.  I have more energy, I'm happier - life is beautiful, colorful and I feel so much better...
now they're all gone...every one of them...how will I ever find happiness without them... I've become so reliant I just don't know what I'm going to do :(

Can't Stop Myself...

[CR_ST_NA]

well you've pretty much told my story! i understand completely what you are going through. i will be praying for you tonight and will check in with you in the morning. if you have some natural sleep aid in the house, take it and take a hot bath and go to bed, that's all i have for now, cause i just got out of bet to have a smoke and saw your post. ill write more in the am. god bless christina

[steveo30]

hey my friend take a deap breath and listen for a minute,i will never say that i understand just how your feeling but i can say i've been there and i can relate.i am afraid for you right now.if you have to you need to check into a hospital and have your parents watch the children,if thats possible.you have already beat a cocaine and herion habit you can get through this also,just let someone know whats going on before tomorrow or even better ,tonite.hang in there

[rickcas06]

Life after opiates; you can do it. No one will say it is easy. I am living proof. I took 240 mg Oxycontin and 40 mg percocet daily for two years and I loved the high.... I have 103 days clean and sober thanks to the NA program.

My life spun out of control and I ended up in rehab to detox (7 days). I can relate about not wanting to leave your children, but I will also add if you can get clean through rehab or self detox; you will undoubtabally be a better mother and better person.

I can feel the fear and pain in your post and for me personally losing my opiates was like losing a best friend. I am serious, I did not know HOW I could go on? But somehow I made 1 day, then another and another. I promise you, there is life after opiates but you really must dig down deep to stay clean.

You are doing the right thing by posting and PLEASE keep posting as your situation unfolds.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

Well here I am - the ultram made it so that I could sleep but I woke up this morning feeling I'd a truck had run me over
so the other 4 ultram i'd saved for cramps today - well you guessed it, down the hatch before even 8am...
That's the end of it.
Can any of you relate to when all the pills were gone and you felt a sense of thankfulness...?
I've been so grateful when the pills finally ran out and I had no more - I'd get high ON my high and think that's IT!  but i'd always give in and find more....
I'm feeling mentally okay right now and imagine I'll feel pretty stable today from the tramadol but tomorrow is a whole other story.  I have to go to work for 24 hours straight.  how will i ever find the energy...much less the will.  I already feel so weak I can barely find the strength to get up and out of bed.
it helps so much to know i'm not the only one that has had to do this.  I want my life back - i want to find happiness within MYSELF again - not those stupid pills.

[neverb4addicted]

I totally know what your saying, I too sufferer a heavy Oxy addiction..I have felt those same feelings you speak of...keep fighting the battle...YOU WILL WIN...
Best of Luck to you...
Neverb4..........and hopefully never again...
Hugs

[worried878]

3500 mgs a day?  u may mean the tylenol in the pill as many have 500 mgs of tyklenol per pill....so were u takin like 7 10 mg pills each day?  alot but very do-able to quit as my dose was more than that and i was able to get it done...i feel for u working 24 hours straight ho right now..ouch...staying busy can help sometimes...hopefully u will have a few days off very soon to get thru this...i am wishing u all the luck in the world and happy u made this decision as this stuff never gets better/only worse..it will be easier now than this time next year to let the pills go..for sure as it only escalates...keep us posted..what is ur game plan?

[this_big]

Good god, I think you said everything I was too ashamed to in my first post on this site 2 mins ago.I cant say I know "exactly" how you feel,but I've got a good idea.I just crossed the 24hr mark and let me tell you it *****... im kinda in the same boat,all my resources have run out,Im not going to let this thing get the better of me this time.There is a reason we cant get more this time.Lets take advantage of that... if only for the next few days...it really does suck.Hang in there and keep us posted.HOT showers and imodiumAD does help a little.Typing this has helped me keep my mind off the monster at least for the last ten mins or so..You helped a complete stranger today...lol..hang in there we can get through this...

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

I'm feeling unusually okay right now.  Trying desperately to see the glass as half full but my back is starting to get achey (achy) and the lovely bathroom issue that goes along with opioid withdraw is already happening.
man
Going to eat a few xanax and sleep tonight - it'll be the last night for awhile.
~T

[this_big]

It's 4:30am,just woke up.I did get 7 hrs of "good" sleep.Im shocked.Although I did kill a whole bottle of Nyquil throughout the day yesterday.And had a kolonopin just before I laid down.Dont know if that safe but I did sleep.Kudos for going to work today,I couldnt imagine getting off this sofa right now.Have you tried the Amodium yet?It really does help w/that bathroom disaster.And a HOT(HOT as I could stand)shower followed by a soak in the tub w/HOT water and ebson salt helped me tremendously last night w/the achey (achy) monkey on my back feeling.Also counting hours has helped my head.(the mental part).I would have never thought from past experiances I'd have made it this long.That glass is half full,and the faucet is on,maybe dripping...but on.We are going to get through this.I wish I could give you half the hope I have for us...all of us for that matter.Get through those hours,and before you know it 1 day.Im at 36hr now.1day 12 hours,never would have thought it posible.Hang in there and good luck...

                                                                                                        Jason

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

Good morning -
it's 8:31 and that makes 24 hours and 30 minutes that I haven't taken a single pill.  Didn't even eat the xanax last night - just passed out without it and baby V let me sleep pretty good.  My back aches like crazy today but the feeling I can't kick is the urge to find more.  I want to stop - I'm so ******* sick of the cycle - crave, hunt, eat - always trying to get that first warm fuzzy feeling - taking more and more - getting scared because maybe it was too much - waiting - fighting the nods because I'm scared that if I fall asleep I'll never wake up.  The cycle ***** - I just have no hope right now.  It was my motivation to get out of bed - I miss it - i hate it - ugh
I'm lost today - getting ready now to go to work where I'll be chasing six children for the next 48 hours - without my drugs

[sickntired08]

wow...you just basically told my story for me! I am a single Mom of two kids too..except this time, I am using the taper method to get off the pain killers, but I told my doctor about all of this, and mid you I have real pain too, just like you did.  I would get a migraine attack and go to the Er only to get pumped full of dilautid, and go home with another script.  Then go to the doctor and get more, the cycle continued.

WE CAN DO THIS!!!! I have not gone to any meetings, only because my son is home sick, and I don't want to bring an 11 year old with me, my mom holds my pills and gives me three days worth at a time, I have to say, that you are on the first step! I don't have insurance either, but is there an urgent care or somewhere near you that you can go to to get clonodine? Even if going tot he ER, and then when you feel better, go apply for medi Cal or health insurance for the non working.  I just did all that.

I know we think that life is better when we are high, I was just thinking yesterday that same thing...don't listen to the drugs talking...that is the drugs talking to youy, and I hope that we can get through this and be able to say that halfway through the steps that are required we felt better.

Look in the health pages, and read what FL Addict says about the aminos...I am going to try getting those today so that when I am done with this they are in my system.

Keep us posted, take some hot baths....and sty in there all day if you have to. IT will really help, take Immodium aggresively. Again, you are already on your way....you are breaking free!!!

[upnorthguy]

Good Luck Keep.

If you can try to keep us posted throughout the day, that would be great.
Remember some of us our right beside you feeling the same pain.
Good luck Keep.

UNG

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

I feel like such a disappointment.
Here I am at work - only to be hunting for imodium (immodium) because I left mine at home (of course) and find a full script of demerol.
I ate two - but don't worry about it - I won't eat anymore.  The guilt is literally making me F-ing sick.  I can't stand living with myself when I do this to the people I love.  What kind of friend am I?  UGH
I just want to crawl into a hole - of course, that's not possible with my sweet babies running circles around me.  What a disaster.  
:(

[Florida_Guy737]

Hey There...first...understand that you are where you are; 2nd, understand that you want to stop and pat yourself on the back for that; 3rd...don't and I mean don't, put the guilt trip on yourself.  Me...nobody was going to make me stop, it's was all on me... so love yourself first, know that your going to take care of yourself and put this s**t behind you.

It's all good....and it only gets better.

Just a Guy whose been there...

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

i am so sick of myself - how the hell do i delete this thread? i'm so embarrassed and cant figure it out

[merrymaria]

it will get easier but you have to be strong....and you can do it...many of us have and you will to....it s so nice not to need that morning fix....2 hour later if not before another fix and so on...life is good at 215 days after an almost 4 year addiction...stay strong and fight...maria

[this_big]

Hey girl...How ya feelin?...better I hope.I know its bad,but it could a hell of alot worse.Please stick with this.Id like to hear from you.and know how your doin.Im gonna try to get some sleep for now but probaly wont last long:( Hit me back,we got a deal and im holdin you to it...:)

[KeepThemAwayFromMe]

having a gall bladder attack
nice
will msg later

[poleclip]

am new here but had to start looking for a little suportam an addic was in recovery yearsago for every thing i started taking 10/650 percs about 4 years ago was not long untell i was eating 12 aday scripes were gone and i would aways find something vicodin you know what a train wreck losed a lot in that time know i am still on hydrocod have about 80 sitting in front of me why i type for the last 3 months managed to get down to about 4 to 5 aday this is a real battle

[myhellwillbethepillhunt]

im on day 4 and my legs hurt and my stomache is a mess! this is not my first rodeo ive been on some form of opiates fro 14 years rehab ,na and yes most people at na are wacked on methadome so ive always failed but this time and ive never said this before it feels different easier i dont know what to expect cause i did it cold turkey this time and thats a first for me . I have no money no insurace and i start a new job in 10 days and i wanted to go there clean.