Losing my resolve

not sure if i am posting this right. but on my earlier post I mentioned a call  about available vics..... its haunting me - how do I not give in? they were always so hard to get and now here they are practically f'ing gift wrappppppped! 6 days?   will it be this bad again if i give in for just a day or two?

[vicki595]

DO NOT GIVE IN NO MATTER WHAT !!!!   THAT'S YOUR ILLNESS TRYING TO TALK YOU INTO TO USING !!!!!!

Tell this person not to call you about pills. Tell everyone you're clean now. I mean it!!!

Vicki  xo

[Jebs317]

Hi,
I have been fighting this fight for 84 days.....again.  I was clean for 30 days....and I talked myself into the "What's one or two days?"  It didn't take days.....it took hours and I was swallowing 3-4 at a time.  I figured that I had been clean for 30 days.......a couple would "do the trick."  Not even close.....I swear I needed even more than before.  
I haven't been posting much lately because I felt like I wasn't strong enough or in the position to give advice.  When I read your post I didn't even hesitate to start typing.
DO NOT cave.  You have 6 days in and from my experience I can tell you........the withdrawals the second time around are worse....multiplied and horrible.  You will be back at day 1 before you know and feeling horrible.  
I have been seeing a therapist and I asked her during my last visit "Will I ever be strong enough to REALLY say no?  Will I ever be able to turn them down?"  She told me that just asking that question shows that I am getting a little stronger every day.  You are doing the same thing.  If you really wanted to take them....you would have been on your way to pick them up.....instead you reached out for support.  
YOU CAN DO THIS............IF I CAN....YOU CAN!!!  

[laurel453]

How you don't give in ?... because it's in your name, because you-can't-do this-any-more, because you are saving your own life and because when you are walking through a desert , you don't walk forward and backward...you just keep walking forward because there is no turning back to the inferno... :)

trust yourself, break the autodestructive cycle you are in forever

this too shall pass !

[Mom309]

Do not give in!!!  I know the same thing where I live they were always so hard to find!!  You know what I did i called the 3 people I get them from and told them i no longer want them way before I knew they got their script!!! So they never called me to tell me of any available.....You can do this!!!   besides think of how much money you will have if you quit becuase I know some people around her charge $5 a piece for the 7.5 and $6-7 for the vic 10's!!!  A ripoff!! but if they know you want them that bad you will pay the price for them!!! so just hang in there and please let them know you are CLEAN!!

[IBKleen]

My last one-or-two turned into ten years. I don't know why you think anything has changed, but it hasn't. You will never have control over them and you will never be cured.

If you keep testing the waters you may not make it back here. That would be very sad...

[Cantdothisanymore]

well i have managed to resist and intend to continue to do so. you are very encouraging and i thank you but on my life i am not sure i will ever not have the craving.

[Cantdothisanymore]

day 7.  getting better. cravings suck.

[IBKleen]

Have you considered joining an outside support group? You will be around people who are in recovery or where you are. It will keep you busy and you can make new friends...clean friends.

[dominosarah]

I dont consider something that will kill you a gift.  Please check out some type of aftercare.  You will learn the tools you need to live life clean and happy~~~~~~sara

[guv338]

Yes cravings suck but death ***** a lot more.  keep your resolve and push on thru.  You will be so glad you are done and dont have to do this again.  Best of luck . guv

[Cantdothisanymore]

okay gonna fight this latest wave of crave. taking my teenage daughter and my dog to the park. excercise right?  thank you for the encouragement. please keep it up as i would not be at day 7 w/o this place and you people.

ibkleen.....going to seek out aftercare and changemy gloom and doom attitude to positivity!

[LeaAnn807]

Hey honey!  You are doing the right thing. Get distracted and expend some energy.  You are through the worst part now, at least physically, now just take care of your mind with some aftercare.  This place is great for support, but you need something else.  It just helps so much.  

Congrats on day 7!  Keep plugging...You can do this!

Hugs!!!

Lea Ann

[avisg]

Cant,
great idea walk and exercise is what pulled me threw the fist part of wd .I had not exercised in years by the time I got off the pills I was 30 pnds over weight .So not only did it help me with wds it started me back on the road to living healthier .
Then yes your next step is finding aftercare so you have a support system right there to help when the times get hard .hang in there .
avis

[Dav125]

See Cantdoit,,,YOU CAN DO IT!. And tommorrow will be even better. Your gaining ground fast. Tommorrow you will be even stronger :)

[mouse1977]

Hi- I have a question-- Is it just the cravings you are feeling on day 7, or are you still having W/D symptoms?  I am on day 1.5 and seeing you at 7 is inspiration for me. :) thx

[Cantdothisanymore]

me? an inspiration? if only you knew how ironic that is. this is HARD. H.A.R.D.!!!! I was loving my vics and I was terrified of wd's and losing my fun but honey- I AM AT DAY 7! Life is GOOD.  I just got back from the park with dog and child and I did it sober. I LOVE ME right now and you are gonna love you too!!  I quit 20 percs/vis 7/750 and 5/500 after 10 years - my Sweet Jesus - the Liberation!  You go Mouse - If I cn do this there is not a question im my mind that you can!  All my postitive thoughts - my heart and sould are with us all.

[Cantdothisanymore]

i was hoping you would check in on me Dav.  I need you - I need you all. Please read my post above. I am GOING to MAKE it.  

[Htownnofrown]

On the comment before about having cravings forever:

It doesn't have to be that way. I have not had an urge to use or drink in almost a year now, and I give the credit to the fact that I was willing to jump into AA/NA head first, get a sponsor, work the steps, and work with others. My life is so incredibly better now, it's hard to explain without giving you a life story.

AA seems scary, sometimes looks like a cult, but it is the opposite of that. It is, basically, Medhelp, in person, on steroids lol. A great group of people who teach you how to live clean and fix the mess we have created in our addiction. Look into it, it really does work.

Good Luck!

[Cantdothisanymore]

when i started my post this morning all i could think of were the cravings.  Mouse,,,,,you need to know that other than low energy my physical issues for the most part have past. I suppose it is different for everyone, yes, for me it is the cravings. they are wreaking havoc with my brain / body / sense of worth - whatever you want to call it. yesterday I might have given in, today, still that possibility, but I am going to do my best not to give in. I do not want to do this again. I do not want to be helpless. I do not want to hurt my children running off to buy vics instead of groceries.  I want to be the wonderful and beautiful person without the vics that i always thought I was with them. it;s hard - there is no other f'ing way to say it but we are talking about my life !  your life! my kids lives!  what on Gods green earth can possibly be more important?  I am gonna keep asking that to myself and praying for the strenght that we all need. Not just for me but for us all.  Peace!

[sunshine1109]

I know what you are going through and you are so early in your recovery but you are recovering. I know it ***** right now God do I know, I never thought in a million yrs I would get to where I am today. I fought two demons Xanax and Vicoprofen..for ten yrs I poisoned my body, mind and soul. I never thought I could make it without them I tried many times and the w/d's about killed me but in the end the drugs were slowly taking there toll on me. It pains me to see you going through this, I feel what your feeling all over again and my heart is aching for you but I know you will do it,  I did it and I never want to feel any of those feelings again I dont think I could live through it again.  But seven days without you are so well on your way, live for each moment...day to day..each minute not using is another minute closer to freedom from this addiction.  Im here for you anytime just let me know I check in all the time, I want to help I had lots of help when I went through this we all need each other..God Bless..Keep Praying God is here for you....Sunshine

[Dav125]

Gosh you certainly are fighting a battle with the cravings no doubt. Your doing great though. Makes me think of that new credit score commercial they have out there. The one that has the credit numbers as a fluffy dog thats terrorizing the mom owner chewing up the couch etc. And as the "numbers" went up, the pesky little fluffy s**t turned into the sweetest, non destructive tail wagging, ball dropping best friend..

Well, I thought its a cute analogy. Hope you have a great weekend Cantdoit..Think food..What's delicious that you haven't eaten in awhile? Then go for it..I am :)

[Cantdothisanymore]

I just realized that I had not responded directly to you and you deserve my attention as you "didn't hesitate to type" to me. THANK YOU. I have no support system and believe with every ouce of my being that this forum will and is saving my life.  I need this as much as i need oxegyn at this moment and your post has lifted me.  you are worthy. more worthy than i know you will ever give yourself credit for. this is coming from me - someone who lost her self worth to pills long ago. I am not a religious - spiritual woman and I know that at this moment GOD is with me. Whoal. where the hell did that come from?  somewhere deep deep inside that is helping me to get through this has to be a higher power.  GOD be with us all.

[Cantdothisanymore]

are you peeking? how did you know I was a furry little number?

[Cantdothisanymore]

knowing that you are here for me.....reading the sincerity of your words....you inspire me. thank you from the bottom of my heart.  YOU DID IT!  I can too!  Stay with me and please pray for SAD. I am getting the feeling she is not that strong, just like me.

[gnarly_1]

HI I have been following your story and your doing great sorry to here about your struggles with cravings but aftercare will help that....without it I would have crached abnd burned many times over...with it life can become a manageable place again...as far as craving go
if you take them at face value and deal with them they usually only last 10min to a 1/2 hr
your not responsible for the first thought....its what you do with it that can make or break you...first its a thought ...right then and there you need to start the self talk....is this rational thinking?? or is it the addict in me...you need to focus on trhe positive things in sobriety you no longer chained to a pill bottle you have your life back...you want to keep your clean time pills are no longer an option...if you use the self talk you will get your mind off the cravings b/4 you start to obsesses on it once it becomes an obsession we dwell on it and it gnaws on you...if not stoped it can very well become an action...this is why it is so important to plug into some sort of aftercare it will teach you the skills and give you the tools to help you thew this kind of stuff...hang in there your doing great but treat the addiction its not just going to go away good luck and God bless......Gnarly        

[sunshine1109]

I am here for you...YES YOU CAN DO IT..you are stronger then you give yourself credit for if you weren't you wouldnt be doing what your doing now and fighting this fight. You wouldnt be on here for support.  I am keeping up with SAD also I dont want to see anyone lose this battle.  I am so disgusted with this disease and what it has done to beautiful lives. We are all God's children and he wants us happy and well, he has brought me through many trials and tribulations and he is watching over each and every one of us.  Remember moment to moment, we cant live in the past and we cant live in the future we have to live for today. Stay strong...Sunshine

[Cantdothisanymore]

cant really respond right now...too hard to type with tears in my eyes.....thank you. this is a battle - a war - i never thought i would find myself in but you guys are one hell of a team to fight it with me. your hearts must be made of gold and i could not ever in my life be more thankful for anything. stay with me.

[Dav125]

Compassion is a rare commodity these days. Thank God this site is powered by it. Nothing phony to be found in here..The true inner spirit in all of us is alive and well here. And the best part is being able to share it and know you may have saved a life by doing so..

[Cantdothisanymore]

and what on earth could be more powerful? the compassion that i have found here - with you DAV ( my first )  encouraging male that contacted me. you are attributed in my mind with helping to save my life. your one of the first who spoke with me and your words stopped me from jumping in my car on a vic run. not to say it may not still happen but you averted the first one for me - I could never repay your selflessness.

[Khatzee]

I agree with sunshine1109.  YOU ARE DEFINITELY STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR!  Besides that, you have us behind you all the way.  One thing that they always say at aa is,  " we keep doing the same things, and expecting a different outcome."  How crazy is that?  It's the nature of addiction, though.  Once you are completely clean, you will be surprised at just how easy and freeing recovery can be:)

[Dav125]

Your very welcome Cantdoit. To know that I was able to help you avert that first temptation is heck of a reward for me..Very happy here that I could help you..Thats great

[Cantdothisanymore]

day 9 -why am i not pleased with myself? i should be right? ran into my "supplier" last night. stayed strong but feel weak now and wished i had scored when i saw her. how pathetic is that.  i am not going to cave i am not going to cave i am not going to cave......

[dominosarah]

That's right, you are not going to cave. You are in control of you now, not your addiction.  You dont want to support someone who is trying to kill you and that is just what that "supplier" is doing.  Get out and get some fresh air, take the dog for a walk, turn on the music and sing real loud!!  This all takes time to start feeling good but it does happen and when it does it is the best feeling ever.  Stay true to yourself and keep fighting~~sara

[LeaAnn807]

You did the right thing!  Don't give in to someone like her and let her and her pills get back in control of your life.  You are the strong one who is in control now.  

Way to go on 9 days!  You don't want to go back through them, do you?  Just remember that...always!

[MeganDowney]

Hi there,

I hope you are having a happy Sunday so far. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep and I start feeling frustrated about things (including not being able to sleep!) I think, "but look what YOU have done these past couple weeks. No matter how sucky I may feel in the passing moments, I have something INCREDIBLE that only I am responsible for accomplishing"

YOU are doing something so powerful and strong. It literally just brought tears to my eyes.

Keep it up. I'm right there with you too.  :)

Megan

[Dav125]

Your doing great! You beat temptation again! Where do "YOU" find that strength???. See, you had it all along but under-rated yourself because you didn't have anything to compare it to. Well, look what you've done so far..Up and down days are going to be there but they will pass. I'm having a slightly off day too. Think its because I'm tired though. Last couple of days have been pretty busy. Been a long week for you so reward yourself today. Take a break,go wow I made it thru this week, and tommorrow is the start of the next..You can do this,,I'm convinced more than ever now :)

[Cantdothisanymore]

dav - thanks so much - needed to hear that. i have no idea how i beat that temptation TWICE in one week. Wow

Tramahater no way do i want to ever live these last 9 days again. i watch you post on everyones thread - offerring your support - thats a gift and we all need you so thanks

megan.  i am just praying that the addiction is not more powerful for me.  i still have no energy and my pain ( had surgery 7 weeks ago on my ankle) level is rather high at the moment but i will work through it.

i just had some lunch tho it was tough and i am going to try and mow the lawn. send me your prayers.....i need them.

[Dav125]

You also don't realize how much of your inner spirit transends thru the site and is very insirational Cantdoit.Really, I mean that. Your kind words have far more impact than you know. They knocked on a few emotonal doors in me which haven't been openned in awhile..Pleasant good feelings..So THANKYOU to you too. :). There's a swirl of positive energy radiating out. Its good,,all good :).

[Dav125]

Got to work on this spelling problem. This one finger probe on the keyboard doesn't keep up with my thoughts at times..Dum dee dummy me de dum (big smile)..InsPirational....

[Cantdothisanymore]

I just saw your notes you left me. cried as i read them, felt blessed for the support and the sincerity i know was in each sentance you typed to me...me?  i dont deserve you. STOP - thats what i would have said 9 days ago but today i realize that i DO deserve help and support and all that you give because i am worth it. the realization hits that I am an ADDICT and i want to put my tail between my legs and run and hide from the shame. Now I realize this was not all my fault. sure i am to blame for abusing them but these are nasty little evils that i know now are the fault of the drs and dealers that hook us on them. GODSPEED to us all and keep the notes and good thoughts coming.....i am not through this yet.

[Cantdothisanymore]

well this has been a roller coaster day. good moments and bad but more good than anything. wow...but guess what - i made it another day. again wow! tomorrow will be the start of day 10 and i am going back to work after 8 weeks off from my ankle surgery.  pray for me. i think i will be okay with all my clean working friends around not to mention my boss LOL and all the work that has most assuredly been piling up.  GOD this means I have to get up at 4:30 am tomorrow and get my butt moving sober?! OMG that is so intesely scary. stay with me people. I come here often to read ( dont always post - dont want y'all to tire of my babbing) but reading and sharing with you all is getting me through.

[gnarly_1]

HI good to here your day got better...you will have days like this some good some bad some a little of both....you have to remember when your high on the pills every day is a ''artificial'' good day we think everything is fine when its not....you have to learn to embrace life on life's terms and that includes some bad days along with the good ones...right now your in the emotional stage of recovery...every little thing is going to light up your emotions some will be joyful some will seam like moments of dispare ...tears will flow easily and you wont have control over it...this is all normal for where your at right now just hang in there...remember your self talk when the cravings come around...I cant over emphasize enough on the importance of aftercare...NA/ or A/A would be a good place to start ...you will be around people that have been threw what you are going thew as well as people just starting out..you wont feel so lonely
having  support makes all the difference this forum is a help but you need more
YOU CAN DO THIS  just keep telling yourself that but also take the proper steps to make it happen....you got to want it bad...so bad your willing to go out of your comfort zone to get the help you need...trust me the meetings will really help you...you will always have us and we all want to see you succeed keep posting and reading the posts good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      

[Cantdothisanymore]

Going to try to rest. back to work tomorrow after this 8 weeks of living hell ( my last 9 clean days especially) but have to be up at 4:30 am and I am tired.

wanted you to know that day 9 - not so bad.  heres hoping 10 goes better.

night all.

[Dav125]

Good job, glad to hear the day turned out better than you were thinking this morning. The timing with going back to work couldn't hit at a better time. Tommorrow you get something different to think about and keep your mind occupieed. Little by litte the thoughts of the pills will become a distant memory..I'm happy for you Cantdoit. Your going to make it..

Sleep well.

[sunshine1109]

Way to go!!!!  You seem much better than earlier thats a good thing...so work tomorrow well thats good you will be busy catching up on all that work....I wish ya the best tomorrow and Ill be thinking and praying for you....youre gonna be A-OK.....Just remember like I always tell myself "One Day At a Time"....just keep on keeping on...Peace..

[Cantdothisanymore]

hi all - wow its funny. i worry so about sad that i never really seem to post on my own thread. work was cool today. life is taking that turn for the better - i know this but i also know the cravings are killing me and i really believe that i will crash and burn - i have stayed strong twice - when i had a chance to score. not sure that 3 would be the charm for me. i think if i had 'em - i'd take 'em. am i alone with that awful realization?

[Cantdothisanymore]

see what I mean. noone talks to me on this post as i am always on sads post. it helps but seems i get a little forgotten. oh woahs me....sorry feeling a little left out.

[LeaAnn807]

Hey honey!  Start a new post and you will get some support!  These others are long anyway and old!  

I'm not forgetting you!!!  Keep your chin up!

[jstntime]

Hey,

You are NOT alone with that realization.  All it takes to relapse is a combination of access and a weak moment.  You have won twice but you can't win forever.  That is why while in recovery we need to ensure that access is not available because the weak moments are guaranteed to come.

You have done an amazing job thus far and have also been a great help to your friend sad.  You just keep keeping, you are doing fine!!!!

bob

[Cantdothisanymore]

thank to you both. i am working through it but so damn tired. dont know that i even want to live if i have to fight this fight my remaining days. wow pathetic but true. kind of hope i dont wake up in the morning

[sunshine1109]

Oh please dont say that...i am living proof as are many on here that this can be done. I had those feelings in the beginning of my recovery it was a awful feeling but look back just a little while ago how good you were feeling, you are going to have ups and downs that is normal whether you want to believe it or not and you wont have to live the rest of you life like this, I have no cravings no triggers at all, I realize as individuals we are all different but I keep in contact with many of my peers who went through rehab with me and they are all doing so well it takes time they always said we didnt get addicted overnight so its gonna take time to kick this disease in the boo boo....your beginning the healing process so give yourself a break your doing great and your gonna get better and better, sure you will have those cravings from time to time but they to will pass..Keep your head up and I havent forgotten you I am here..I just had my cardiologist appt today and it kinda sucked I have things I have to get through but I will...it was a crazy stressful day....be strong..sunshine.

[worried878]

How bad do u want this?
If ur heart is in it, and u r sick and tired of being sick and tired...caving at such an early date is not the norm..but we r all different
Number one rule when stopping is getting the pills out of ur face and outta ur reach?
R u testing urself?  R u sabatoging urself?  letting ur source know u quits be it DRs or friends, and flushing all in ur possesion is crucial to stopping this madness
Everyone has a different bottom..perhaps u havent reached urs yet..when u do u will know..it is a very eye awakening experience

If u dont really wanna stop..nuttin can really make u stop//not us or anyone else..if it is in ur heart to stop/u still may stumbel..but ur chances of making it go way up percentage wise
can u flush the pills u have access to?  it can be a very big motivator as u take control over the substance that controls u

[vicki595]

Hey...I posted on your newer post...

V.