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Lost but looking for me again...
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Lost but looking for me again...

Ok so here I go...Ive been lurking for months!  Even feel like I know many of yall! (yes, I'm from the south...lol). I am starting day 1 without any Norco!  Been taking up to 20 a day for the past 6 months. I have been taking the demon pills for about 2 years!  I can't do this anymore. I started with real pain from my husband (now exhusband) pushing me out the window of our house!  I kept taking the pills to deal with the emotional pain of my shattered life. I have 2 awesome kids who deserve ME back!  So here I am, have not taken any today and won't take any. I have 5 in my nightstand that I keep yelling at. I won't take them as I hate them!  I figure if I can't quit with them right in front of me then I can't quit!  They are everywhere in this little town. I am a single mom of 2, a cancer survivor, and a good person so I know I am better than these stupid pills!  I am doing this alone so I need all the help, encouragement and honesty that yall can possibly give me!  My name says little girl but that is my size not my age!  I am 38 years young and weigh less than 100 pounds. I am naturally small as I eat everything but I know 20 norcos a day is way too much for this little body. I dont want to die!  I want me back!  Can yall help me find me?
92 Comments Post a Comment
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Hello and welcome . .  so glad you decided to post!  Wow, what a story; sounds like you have endured a lot of physical and emotional pain.  It is awesome that you have made the decision to quit the Norco's.  I personally have no problem with quitting cold turkey (did it myself), and do believe it to be a personal choice.  But I am concerned for you due to the high amount you have been taking, especially when considering your body weight.  Have you thought about tapering?  The withdrawal would probably be much easier on you.  If you are determined to do c/t, do you have a Dr. or anyone around you can call if you start feeling something is "not right"?  I know how it is when you have made the decision - you just want it done.  I just worry a bit about the quantity thing.  In any case, I congratulate your decision and determination to get clean . . . you wont regret it :))
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I Ditto what FourJay said..It is your choice..I went c/t from 3 meds and I am in my 7th month and alive and well..That was a very good post..You sound fun..I have seen many, many Blessing on here come true..We have alot of Caring & Sharing Souls as you must know form lurking around for awhile..
You just stay on this ship and we will make sure you hit the land soon and walk proud and straight up..Maybe we could put some weight on you..Ha!
God Bless you for wanting your life back...
vickie
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Thanks so much for responding!  I would taper if i could as I am also concerned about the amount and i have no one to help!  But, i have none to taper with and have no money to get any. I just got laid off from my job on Monday so i am stuck. I had planned on starting to taper before i got laid off. Now i have no income and no insurance so i have to CT. It has been 15 hours and my stomach is so cramped that i can't sit up!  Gotta admit that I'm pretty scared. I had tapered before and was able to get clean for 2 months then broke my ankle and got started back on them. When i tapered it wasn't bad at all. I took care of the house and kids and worked everyday. Now i need to fin MD a job ASAP and can't do that if I'm hurting this bad and it hasn't even been 24 hours!  Im really scared here!
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Hi again - you said 15 hours since your last dose, right?  How many have you taken in the last couple of days; had you tapered down at all from the 20/day dose?  Try to relax as much as you can - take deep breaths in and blow out slow.  Is this cramping feeling something you have felt before?  Do you have any family or friends close that you can call to come over and check on you/help you out?
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Hi FourJays!  It has been 15 hours since mr last dose. I had not tapered at all because I thought I was going to get a refill today so that I could taper. When I called in for my refill, my doctor said I needed to come in for a check up and I can't afford one so I'm stuck with no taper!  I have never felt stomach pains like this before but have never went CT either. I dont have anyone that I can call for help. I wish I had family around but it's just me and my kids!  
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I did a c/t from a very high dose also, and the w/d set in within 24 hours.  Mine was pretty intense (I had been on the pills for 15 years & was at double your dose by the time I quit).  I didn't really experience stomach "cramping" per se; stomach upset & diarreah (diarrhea), oh yes.  I had a lot of sweating and crawly skin feeling as well as that overall feeling of doom & gloom.  I felt heavy and awkward, kind of like I was off balance.  These are all pretty common symptoms of c/t w/d.  I came out of it just fine; started feeling better after about 3 days and within a week to 10 days pretty much all of the physical discomfort was gone.  BUT - I am not a small girl and did not have the body weight v. dose amounts that you do.  You are going to have some nasty physical symptoms quitting like this, but how to gage when they become "dangerous" and opposed to just "uncomfortable & flu-like" is something only you can do.  I would suggest that if in doubt you really should get yourself to a walk-in clinic or ER.

One other idea - can you call your doctor and explain your situation, i.e., you are out of pills & will have to quit after taking them daily, but cant schedule check up right now (& why).  Ask if they could call in just a partial script - enough to at least taper down your amount a bit?  It may be worth a try?

In any case, please don't risk it.  You mentioned you have been reading around this site for awhile.  I'm sure you have read many posts about the various common w/d symptoms.  If you feel like something is not right - go the the ER right away; tell them what you have been taking and how long.  Hopefully you will get through this without this extreme; but please be careful and keep posting with your progress ok?  
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Thanks for responding to me!  I tried explaining to the doctor what was going on but that just made him want me to come in sooner as he is worried about the amount I'm on.

Im having severe stomach cramping but no stomach issues yet. I know they will be coming soon!  I have immodium to help with those!  

I really don't like going to the emergency room but I will if it is my only option. The biggest problem that I have at the emergency room is that I have to drive myself there. I dont know if I could do that with how I feel.

I will keep posting and praying that this won't be as bad as it could be. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me!  I hate this feeling of being alone!
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OK, you stay close to this site and keep posting . . . it has helped SO many people get through this process.  Glad you have the Immodium if you need it.  Drink as many fluids as you can too - anything with added vitamins/minerals would be good (Gatorade, Vitamin Water - "Revive", my personal favorite and lifesaver during my detox).  If you start feeling restless, take a hot bath or shower - Epsom salts can help with aches and pains if you have them.

I am glad to hear you are willing to do the ER thing if necessary.  If you cant drive yourself and it has come to that point, call 911 ok?  Hang in there . . think positive; it might not be nearly as bad as what you think.  And best of all . . it will be over in a few days and you will be on your way to a clean and free new life:))
Julie
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Thanks again FourJays!  I fell asleep and slept for 6 hours after taking Tylenol PM. I am sure my body is addicted to the Tylenol too!  I woke up to my legs jumping all over the bed and pouring sweat!  Just miserable!  I am running a 103 temperature. Is this part of withdrawals?  
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I'm not sure about the temperature...do you have some motrin u.can take?
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How are you feeling now ???..Do you still have a high temp..That one has me worried..Come back and let us know..I am going to bump this up so we can check on you..OK...
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How are you doing?  Waking up hot and sweaty like that is not uncommon in the scenario you described.  Try a cool cloth on your face and neck, drink some water too.  Do you have any Motrin or Ibuprofen instead of the Tylenol?  After you have been up for a bit take your temp again & see if it has gone down any and then let us know ok?
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I just woke up about an hour ago with the fever. I had taken Tylenol pm about 6 hours before I woke up with the fever. Yes, I do have Motrin here and yes, I am still running a fever. My stomach is still cramping but not as bad as before!  I am not hungry at all but am very thirsty so I am on my 2nd Gatorade in an hour!  I know everyone says flu like symptoms but wasn't sure if you actually ran a fever like the flu. Thanks to everyone who is helping me!  Yall are making me not feel so alone!
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I don't remember if I actually ran a fever; I know I woke up sweaty and hot as you described; especially in those first few detox hours.  I glad you have Motrin too.  Just keep drinking as much as you can and try to keep yourself cooled down.  If your temp is still that high after another doing all of this in another 30 minutes or so I would call your doctor - I'm sure he has some kind of 24 hour pager service or something of that nature.  They should direct you what to do from there.  It's good to hear at least that the stomach cramping has gone down.
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I just took 2 Motrin and sm going go get into a warm bath!  I will continue to drink the Gatorade as that is what I am craving right now!  Overall I am feeling just as if I have the flu. The only thing different is that my legs feel like they want to take off running!  I will post an update as soon as I get done soaking.
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Yeah, the restless leg thing is very common too.  Hopefully the bath and the Motrin will help a bit.  I literally spent hours in the tub during my first few days - it was the only way I could get comfortable.  And that is kind of what these couple of days will be like - just do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable and know that it will not last long.  At this point you are pretty much through day 1 - yay!  You can do this . . hang in there.  And again, if after your bath and the Motrin, if your fever is still that high please call your doctor ok?
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Ok the fever does have me worried..I am glad FourJays here too..I have never experience a high fever coming off the hydo/oxy or my methadone..Do you have the magnz salt you know the Epson salt..It helps draw the poisons out.
Get under a heating blanket too..Do all the above as FourJay mentioned..I will check back on you too..OK. You are not alone..
vickie
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Ok so the bath just gave me the chills!  I am now running 102.8 so I called my doctor and spoke with the answering service. Im waiting on them to call back.
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OK Let us know what up..It sounded like the fever went down a bit..Get under the Electric Blanket if you have one..
vickie
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Ok yall. Nurse called back said a low grade fever is normal but not over 100. Of coarse he wants me to go see him tomorrow but I don't have the money to do that so am hoping I will be better on the morning!
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You let us know OK..I think it will go down..You know what to do if it does not..DO NOT let the fever go for to long..Go to the ER if it is high..Check again in a few..To see how it is....Get some rest OK...
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I will keep yall updated on how tonight and tomorrow goes. Im curled up in bed now with my heating blanket and Gatorade. Am ready to try to get more sleep!  Thanks for helping me!  





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OK!!!! NIGHT.. NIGHT...
MAY GOD BE WITH YOU HUN..
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How are you doing today?  So glad you were able to talk to the nurse last night.  Hope you got some sleep and are feeling a little bit better today.
Julie
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I was able to sleep off and on for 3 hours. Couldn't get rid of the chills so kept taking hot baths. Not feeling good this morning at all!  Still have a fever but it is 101 now so its better. Wondering if I actually caught the flu at the same time as withdrawals!  I am forcing myself to drink fluids because I really dont want to do anything!  This is not going to be a fun weekend!
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No it probably wont be fun, but it will be over soon.  SO glad to hear your fever is down a bit.  PLEASE follow the nurse's instructions about that, ok?  The w/d and flu are very similar so it's hard to say . . .have you been exposed to the flu (that u know of?).  Glad to hear you are drinking the fluids.  You NEED to eat too though; even though I'm sure you don't feel like it.  Get some Ensure (they have fruit flavored ones now) or Carnation stuff or protein drink(s) of some kind.  You MUST get some kind of nutrition or the process is just going to last longer.  Try soup and crackers or toast if you can - anything.  Have you looked at the Thomas Recipe (link on bottom right of this page) or read about other symptom remedies?  I know you have read a lot already and wont go in to it all again.  Just keep taking the Motrin and/or anything else as instructed by the nurse.  Baths will help - get some soothing music to play while you soak.  

You are doing great - you are probably half way through the worst part; maybe even more.  TRY to relax about it all - its temporary.  You only have to go through this ONE time, then never again.  If you can make yourself - get up, go outside and breathe in some fresh air.  Even a really short walk can make a difference.  Just accept that your not going to feel good for awhile longer, but that the reward waiting around the corner is SO worth it.  Watch a movie, try to do anything that will distract you from how you "feel" right now.  Keep posting today too ok?  And also, send me a message anytime if you want.  I'm really proud of you - you are one tough little chick going through all of this by yourself - but NOT alone - you have this forum.  You can post a new question if you want to start a new thread; it would probably bring you more responders too.  Good luck my friend :))

Julie
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Hi..You just might have caught the Flu..I do know of some on here that had the Flu during there Detox because the whole family had it..Just keep an eye on the Fever..It is going down that is good...You are doing very good..I feel for you..You do sound like a tough cookie..Just hang tight..The w/ds are so short lived compared to the Years we used...OK..Do you have anything natural for sleep..Like the Magnz, ds or cal..Even some Melatonin..You do need to Replenish the vit/min and the electrolytes...The pills just take so much out of us..You keep us up dated OK..
vickie
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Thanks girls!  Yall are my lifeline right now!  Is it strange that I need yall?  Lol. Im drinking gatorades right now. I just ate a bowl of soup. Didn't want it but ate it because I can't afford to lose any weight!!!  I live on 8 acres with no neighbors nearby so I will try to get out in my pjs and walk a little bit today. My kids just got over the flu last week so there is a chance that I got it. I guess it is the perfect time to get it if I have to have it!  Sorry if I am rambling!  My mind is all over the place!  I have vitamins and melatonin so I will take those today. I just want all this to be over with!  I want to be the mom that I used to be!  I love my kids more than anything and will do anything for them. But have to admit that laying in bed is making me feel so guilty today as it is 75 and beautiful outside!  They think I have the flu so they are leaving me alone. Just hanging out in my room waiting to find the light at the end of the tunnel!
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You sound much better & so happy you ate something.  75 and sunny?  I am SO jealous!!!!  What a sign from above . . get outside and get some fresh air & a short walk - I PROMISE you, you will feel better for it.  If you are on 8 acres, no one will see the PJ's . . . and even if they do, who cares?  These days anything seems to go :)  Ofcorse as far as the kids, you still have the "flu".  There will be LOTS of time to make it up to them in the weeks to come as you start feeling better and better.  You are doing great!  And no - it is not strange to "need" us.  We help you through, someday you help someone else based on your experiences - it's a "pay it forward" thing, and it's all good :))



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my lunch date stood me up i think so i got on to see how you were doing. you sound great!! you are giving me so much hope and encouragement! i know you dont feel like your old self yet but you are doing it....you are going through what you must to claim your life back. and doing it for your kids!! you are the exact inspiration i need right now as i begin my own journey hopefully. hang in there and i am SO glad you are getting your health back! congrats on your detox.....hang in there!!
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You are soooo Awsome..You do sound soooo much better..Yes I too live in the woods on 5acres..Was 10 but we sold the back half..I am here in N Idaho..50 miles from the Canada Border and have Montana and Washington for neighbors..That is one thing, we can stay in our PJ or Sweats out here too... You can send some SUN my way..The snow is just melting out here in this darn Snow Belt....You hang in..I know you will be just fine...
God Bless
vickie
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Hi there - just checking in to see how you are doing.  You've got a couple days behind you now - this is good!  Hope you are feeling better :)
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HI  read your thread your off to a great start  YOU CAN DO THIS.....
I just wanted to chime in and offer you some support keep doing what your doing  when you can try to get out and get to a N/A MEETING IT WILL HELP WITH THE MENTAL STUFF AND CRAVINGS   i DIDNT SEE WHERE YOU GOT RID OF THE LAST 5 PILLS  IT TIME TO IF YOU HAVENT ALL READY  SORRY about the caps  dam libary computer
good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
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Hope you had a good day Little Girl in Big World - check in when you can and let us know how you are doing.  

Julie
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Hey y'all!  Sorry for not posting for awhile!  I really really appreciate everyone's encouragement and kind words!  It has been 49 hours and I'm still alive and kicking!  (I really am kicking tho cuz my legs won't stay still! Lol). I spent the afternoon outside planting the garden!  It was 80 and beautiful outside!  I refused to allow this to take me down. My kids need me. I had some gabapentin that was prescribed for nerve pain after my hysterctomy so I took one of those. One hour later, all my symptoms were gone!  It was amazing!  I dont know if it really works or if I just convinced myself that it would. Anyway, again I am rambling!  I cooked the kids dinner then we went and walked around the park as the sun went down!  I still have the 5 pills sitting on the night stand and I refuse to take them. I yell at them when I get a craving!  As soon as I know that I am beating this then I will have a ceremony of flushing!  Right now I feel like I have to quit while they are right here cuz you can get them anywhere! When a craving comes then I close my eyes and take deep breaths!  I remind myself that I have beat cancer twice, got rid of a no good abusive husband and take care of 2 kids and lots of animals and 8 acres. If u can do all that then I can damn sure resist a little yellow pill!  I thank yall so much!  Yall have helped me. I couldn't do it without yall. I dont  to let anyone down especially me!  I got to be honest here, I have read these forums every day for months and it actually made me proud that gnarly responded to my post!  Lol. I love reading his advice to other people!  I probably sound really pathetic now so I'm gonna go. Keep me in your prayers!  I know this isn't over yet but I'm not done fighting either!  The world is looking smaller and less scary every hour!
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I am so proud of you and SO happy you are feeling better and doing this!  The gabapentin probably did help, I have been prescribed it myself (for nerve pain); and have heard it can help with withdrawals.  You just keep it up - and know that you really do need to think about that "flushing ceremony" soon.  I understand where you are coming from but as long as they are in your house they will be a threat to your sobriety.  And girl you have worked HARD for this.  But I have total faith in you; after all you have been through - your amazing.  Hope you get some sleep tonight, and check in tomorrow ok?  Got you on the prayer thing too . . . keep it up - you have this!!!

Julie
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FourJays you are so awesome!  I really feel you holding me here and it so helps!  Right now, my goal is 100 hours, once I hit that then I'll have my ceremony!  Won't be any tears tho. I have a lot of not so nice things to say to those stupid pills!  I just took 2 gabapentin and about to head to the hot bath!  Good thing that my ex was a plumber so I have a big jacuzzi tub that I can soak in with the Epson salts!  Gotta get up early to go to church then going to a recovery group for women. I hope to feel well enough to go to both as I know I need both!  Never been to a recovery group so this will be new to me!  I think I'm scared to sit still and think too much right now so I will just keep pushing until it all comes naturally!  Thanks for being my new friend!  Its nice to have you believe in me when I am struggling to believe in myself!  
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FourJays you are so awesome!  I really feel you holding me here and it so helps!  Right now, my goal is 100 hours, once I hit that then I'll have my ceremony!  Won't be any tears tho. I have a lot of not so nice things to say to those stupid pills!  I just took 2 gabapentin and about to head to the hot bath!  Good thing that my ex was a plumber so I have a big jacuzzi tub that I can soak in with the Epson salts!  Gotta get up early to go to church then going to a recovery group for women. I hope to feel well enough to go to both as I know I need both!  Never been to a recovery group so this will be new to me!  I think I'm scared to sit still and think too much right now so I will just keep pushing until it all comes naturally!  Thanks for being my new friend!  Its nice to have you believe in me when I am struggling to believe in myself!  
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Oooppss!  Sorry. Not sure how I posted twice!  
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Your 100 hours will be here soon!!!  You are awesome my friend - you sound great; just pushing on through.  I think it is so good you are getting up and out and doing things.  It definitely does help to stay busy.  If you sit around and think too much it will drive you crazy and you know who (what) will start calling you from that drawer!!  So, yes, your ceremony time is approaching quickly, no, NO tears - this is a happy event.  You should have balloons and cake . . lol. (I'll have my daughter whip one up for you, she is an incredible pastry chef!)   Maybe even a goodbye speech. . . haha.  

The Jacuzzi tub is a Godsend isn't it?  I honestly spent HOURs in mine those first few days.  It just takes all the pains of the world away - at least until you start to feel like a raisin!  One of the best investments we ever made; still use mine regularly.

Well I hope you have another great day.  Please be careful not to overdo it; listen to your body; it will let you know when your limit is coming.  Soon enough your energy will start returning and you will get stronger.  Oh - and I love to see you posting and supporting other members too - the pay it forward thing in action - gotta love it!!!  Keep up the great work and keep us posted with how you are feeling ok?

Julie
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You are doing great; so proud of you. You sound like you are an amazing, strong-willed woman!!  Please get rid of those 5 pills though.  Trust me they aren't making you stronger; you already have that mindset!  If I have learned anything while being currently in my 3rd recovery in 6 months is that you can't have any pill sources. No matter how tough we think we are, they will call our name and one weak moment all 5 are gone and we are looking for more. You got this!
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i so envy you....you are doing GREAT!! congrats on your recovery!! please keep posting so others can draw from your strength!! im really happy to see you doing well!!
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You sure have come a long ways since the night Fourjay and I were worried about you..Now I see you remaking in other post...Nursey7 is so right..Having those pills around is not good..The tape in the brain will play back again & again..It has every excuse in the world for you to take just one..I am in my 7m and the tape does play now and then..Trust us it is a Powerful Disease...Did you find out anything on the Meetings were you live??
Hang in..
God Bless..
vickie
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Good morning yall!  I slept for 9 hours last night!  I think the gabapentin helps me sleep!  I have to admit that I woke up at 4 and automatically grabbed the 5 pills no thinking so I ran to the bathroom and flushed them!  I am so glad that I didn't take them!  I really wanted yo prove to myself that I could quit with them right here but after 2 years it is a natural action for me to take them when I get up. So now they are gone!  Gotta say that I'm not feeling as strong today. Just feeling blah and sore. I think I did too much yesterday but I had to stay busy! Im still ready to fight this fight but am hoping its an easier day!  I know I need to get up and go to recovery group but not feeling it right now. Want to curl up in bed and make the day go away!  Uuugghh!  Im not giving up!  Just not feeling great!
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You are a trooper...Wow you flushed the Pills..Good Job..I just love what you said in the other post about looking at the detox stage as fear but having a baby was hard and fearful but it was done..I like that..I have never heard that one before...You just keep letting the girls who had kids know that..I am soooo Proud of you...
vickie
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Vickie, thanks for your support!  Labor was the only thing I could think of!  Lol. We are scared to do it yet we do it and look what it gives us!  I just keep telling myself that this is the same way!  In the end I will have a new life just like I did when my kids were born!  I guess it ***** but so worth it!  In just 60 hours I already see a difference. I really belly laughed with my kids yesterday. It was the best feeling I have had in 2 years. I thought I had been a good mom because they had everything they wanted but yesterday I realized that I hadn't really "seen" them in years!  Im ready to laugh and cry and love them as the real me again!  I know that sounds crazy and I promise that I am not crazy!
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No it is not crazy..It is the Joy of living and giving our lives back to God...I so, so, like that saying.. ".We are scared to do it yet we do it and look what it gives us"!! That is your saying around here about having kids and going through the labor pain vs the detox..You own that one girl..I think it is  Hot..You just keep on pushing that one around here...What a gal...lol
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Hey - REALLY proud of you for flushing the pills!  And you are doing great; I agree with vic, quite the trooper!   I hope you are feeling better throughout the day.  It always seemed worse for me in the morning but once I got up and got going, things got better.  (Still that way a little :)  I love what you said about the "belly laugh" with your kids; see these are the kinds of joys and memories that pills will steal away before you even realize it.  I'm SO happy you are pushing through this - you will NEVER regret it.  Keep it up . . . the worst of all this should be over soon :)
Julie
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What a soldier you are!!  This thread could inspire anyone and I enjoyed reading through it just now...

Did you make it to the Women's group?  How was it?   If the NEURONTIN hasn't gotten rid of the RLS, try some magnesium and potassium tablets. There's also Hylands Restful Legs tabs at Walgreens or Walmart.

You're doing great and you should be proud of what you've accomplished; it's remarkable...
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I've just read your whole thread since you started.....WOW....just WOW!!

You said your goal was 100 hrs before you were going to have your "ceremony"....and I'm SO jazzed you had that "flushing ceremony" BEFORE you hit the 100 hr goal.  You should be getting pretty close to nippin that 72 hr mark in the bud,huh? That rational of "keeping pills" to show how strong we are never made any more sense to me than laying a delicious piece of steak in front or your doggie and expectiing her not to dive in, teeth first, lol

I DO think the gabapentin is helping you with sleep and a few other symptoms.....just monitor your mg's and don't go off that ct if you decide to discontinue it.  I am not on it any longer, but when I was I took 300 mg 3x/day, then cut back to 2x/day and finally weaned down to one at bedtime before I completely quit taking it.

You are getting outside, gardening, belly laughing, and flushing pills....how great is that?
that's why I said WOW......you are doing FANTASTIC!  The 3rd day mark is one many people can't wait to get in their rearview mirror.....so you keep on keepin on.....keep postin......and I SO envy your hot tub:):)
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Hey y'all!  Gotta say that I'm not feeling so lost anymore!  I haven't gotten back to the "me" that I want to be but I know where I am now! (Sorry if that was confusing but it made since to me but it might not to yall). So I did make it to the women's only recovery group. I didn't really think I would be able to relate to others but wow!  I didn't talk at all but I sure did listen and when the tears started they wouldn't stop!  It felt kind of cleansing. Almost like I had been wanting to cry but hadn't, even tho I didn't know that I wanted to! (I am not sure if any of this post is going to make since!). I am not a crier and am a very private person but for some reason I felt like the while group were my life long friends. Maybe because we all shared a common bind?  Anyway, I was crying to myself and was just listening but watching and next thing I knew, I was being touched on my back. When I looked up, all 10 of the women there had 1 hand on my back!  Normally that would make me run for the hills but I just sat there and cried harder. They never asked me what, why, when, how...anything. They kept talking yet kept there hand on me. It is really hard to explain and I dont know if anyone would understand it but I felt their strength and support. At the end one lady told me they meet 3 times a week and that I could come to all or one. She said I didn't have to say anything at all until I was ready. She asked if I needed a special prayer so I just said that everyone calls me Sissy and to please pray that I find me!  It was all so emotional and freeing at the same time. I will go back for every meeting!  My goal is to be able to actually speak up and say anything!  So anyway, I turn came home and the kids and I fixed a picnic and laid out a blanket and ate and talked. They really are smart kids!  I told them it was open day on the blanket. That they could say whatever they wanted to me or each other as long as everyone was respectful and what was said on the blanket stayed on the blanket!  When I said I had to lay down because my back was hurting from sitting hunched over, my son said do you want me to get you a pill!  I almost died!  My daughter is 14 and my son is 9. I always thought I hid the pills from them!  Those pills must have made me stupid because they knew I took them when I was hurting, crying, happy, sad, tired, bored or just because! I felt like scum!  I explained to them what I had been doing and that I was quitting. We all cried. I will never take another one again!  My kids will hold me accountable!  Wow!  What a day!!  Im still fighting for this and not giving up!  I am almost to 72 hours and not going to look back!  I told the kids all about this website and how much yall have helped and they told me to tell yall thank you. So from me and my awesome kids..."Thank you for saving my life!"
(sorry about the novel but I had to tell yall about my day!)
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Oh my gosh...just read what I posted and there are alot of spelling errors!  Sorry!  I do all this from my phone and I was just trying to get everything out and wasn't paying attention. If any of yall are teachers then please dont mark it up in red pen!  Lol.
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WOW......i am sitting here in complete tears.....of JOY!! for you!!  and your kids! congrats on an amazing journey you are on!! i wish you another day of huge success tomorrow and the next day and the next! what an inspiration of hope for me and everyone still on this side of addiction, THANK YOU so much for your post tonight..... you truly touched me!
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OMG..I am just crying with JOY..I have never, ever seen a thread sooooo Powerful..This is the best one..It is a keeper...I am putting a Invite for you as a freind..That way I can follow were you are..The BLESSINGS are just rolling in for you now...OH YA! That is why we told you to go to the meetings..We know how Spirtial they are...Those Ladys are going to just Love You...I can feel you from here..I know you will talk soon..It is the biggest weight lifted from us..I always tell people to go to a meeting because they will find there lil Angel there with there own story and they will take them under there wing...WOW You had a bunch of Angels today...AWESOME JOB...
God Bles
vickie
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Who cares about the spelling I can hardly read through the tears - Sissy - and I am NOT a crier, dang it!  Wow, what a day you had.  I am SO happy for you about all of it; the women's group sounds like a great place for some long overdue support to come your way.  And the open blanket thing - isn't amazing how smart kids really are?  They know a lot more than we think they do; it's like they just sense it.  You have really had one amazing day; thanks so much for sharing it with us. You are just ON top of this - So proud of you.  Keep it up and keep posting with your progress and/or any support you need about symptoms or anything else.  You got this - no going back now!
Julie
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Oh yes Fourjays the kid thing just really teared me up..They are so smart and innocent when they are young...They will be the fence post to hold up the fence...OMG That is some thread...lol
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It was an awesome day!  I have everyone here to thank for it. Everyone putting their life out there for me to read made me want to quit. My kids totally blew me away today!  I started the demon pills so that they wouldn't see how bad I hurt physically or emotionally. I kept taking them because I thought I was super mom!  Now I know it was all a lie!  They said they don't want super mom. They just want their mom back!  I will never ever forget to thank God everyday for my kids!  
knaanjk - please dont see me as inspiration!  These girls that have months are inspiration. I haven't even made it to 72 hours yet!  And please know this is not my first attempt. I couldn't tell you how many times I tried! I did taper, CT, even tried being hypnotized. This is just the first time I actually posted!  I can't promise that I will never use again but I will promise that I will never give up. I will just look at my kids when I crave them!  I can't teach them that failure is an option!  
Everyone - will my appetite come back?  I have to force myself to drink right now but eating is out of the question!  I've lost 3 pounds that I can't afford to lose!  Im not sick to my stomach, I just have no interest in food. I normally eat like a cow. Help!
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Loss of appetite is real common where you are in your detox.  But you really have to TRY to eat something.  Soup, crackers, toast maybe?  If you just cant eat solid food then try some kind of protein drink, the carnation breakfasts (lots of that kind of stuff out there now), or the Ensure drinks.  They have fruit flavored ones now (yippee, right?).  Seriously, you MUST keep up your strength - you don't have pounds to lose!  Your appetite will come back, trust me.  In fact it seems to come back tenfold after a couple of weeks (happened to me and I've heard similar stories from other people).  So - you make sure you are getting something, ok?  Gotta keep this story going girl . . . . .:))
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You're no littlegirlinabigworld.....you're a Big girl in a little world tonight!!

I'm just about speechless (and my hubby would tell you that NEVER happens, lol)....All that has transpired in your life in the last 72 hours????

And you DO know it's because YOU made that happen, right?
YOU took the ACTION; you flushed those pills;  you went to that women's meeting when you didn't really feel like going; you worked in your garden; you had an "open blanket" day with your precious kids, lol  What a clever, sensitive, fabulous mom you are!!!  And that open blanket idea is a KEEPER for sure!!!

You have touched me/us to the core of our hearts.....we are REJOICING
with you......I've been huntin for just the right "word" .....and I can't find it...so I'm gonna end by sayin:

~~~~~~~SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS~~~~~



  
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FourJays - Thanks. I have some of the Boost drinks so I will try one of those. I am a bread lover and I got some hot French bread for our picnic but I just couldn't get it into my mouth!  I will keep trying tho.

CleaninKS - thanks so much! It really means alot to me to hear all that!  I need to remind myself that I am doing this!  And on the "open blanket", I used to do an open night all the time!  Im not sure when or why I stopped but I'm not going to stop again!  Its an important thing for me to do because it allows the kids to tell me how they feel without feeling like anyone is picking on each other or getting special treatment. My only rule is everyone has to be respectful and we always end it with everyone has to say something nice about everyone else. My dad started doing it when I was a teenager so that I could voice how I was feeling so I just naturally started doing it for my kids! I hope they will do the same for their kids.
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sorry......but you DO inspire me! your story all along has kept me going today better than i have in several days. i understand what you are saying, but please know that even though you say you have not overcome this completely yet....you are 72 hrs in this thing and going strong...so YES!!! you do inspire me. you seem REAL to me and that is what i need right now. thanks for being honest and open and for sharing your self like you are. i truly appreciate it!
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and the way you do for your kids....i have 7 beautiful children that i once was very close too and did alot of the same kind of things with. i miss those days. it will be so great to get back to being close again and having such great times together. im sure they miss me as much as i miss them.
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Wow. You just inspire me by having 7 children!  I can hardly keep up with 2!  Lol. If you can raise 7 children then I know you can quit the devil pills!  You just really have to want it. If you have the option and the ability to taper then that is the most comfortable way to do it!  I think CT has been easier on me because I have the gabapentin and a lot of people have said it helps with withdrawals!  

I will continue to fight hard for this especially if I am yours or anyone's inspiration!  I dont want to let you down!  I gotta admit that I am scared of tomorrow because the kids will be at school and I will be home alone with just my thoughts!  It will definitely be a true test!  
I hope to see your post soon with your plans of quitting!  In just 72 hours I can honestly say that I see a huge difference in myself!  I can't wait for you to be able to say the same. It is a great feeling!
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my name is Paige by the way... it has been great chatting back and forth. as for tomorrow....i hear ya! it is the first day my kids are going back to school after a 2 week break and they are going to be staying alot more with their father for awhile after school and for dinner and over nights while i try to work on my own stuff. soooo....please stay near by and we can talk through out the day if that sounds ok to you. i could use your updates for sure! goodnight....and WAY TO GO!! what a wonderful weekend it has been for you and thanks again for sharing your experience with us. i appreciate it!!
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Hi Paige. Everyone calls me Sissy. You have a deal. I will definitely stay sound tomorrow and we can encourage each other!  We can give each other strength since we won't have our kids to keep us busy. Have a good night and I will talk to you tomorrow!
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Hey y'all!  Got up this morning to get the kids to school and felt like death!  Everything hurt and was running 103 fever again. So I went to the emergency room and tested positive for the flu!  They gave me an IV because was dehydrated and sent me home. So now I'm home in bed wishing I felt better!  I guess you play then you pay, right?  This ***** but the good part is that at least I can sleep!
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im so sorry you feel so yucky.....i hope you can rest and stay hydrated! i hope you feel better very soon so you can get back to playing!! take care.....Paige
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OH..I wondering if you had the flu..That was a couple of days ago..You poor thing a detox and the flu..Yek!!!!!..We had another one on here that had the flu and detox at the same time..I know I mentioned that when we first started..Well you just take it easy..It sounds like you have a new Bud to talk to..That is a good thing..I had my bud who walked me thought the dark tunnel and out..You just keep up the good work..I am so proud of you..
God Be With You...
vickie
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Hi Sissy - So sorry to hear you are feeling bad; but at least it does explain the high temp thing.  And geez, even makes you that much more of a "trooper".  All things considered you are doing GREAT!  Make sure you follow all doctors orders and keep yourself hydrated.  Keep us posted on how your are doing once you start feeling better.  Hang in there girl . . . you are one tough cookie!!!

Julie
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Hey y'all!  Im still hanging in there!  Been sleeping most of the day! Dibjist keep telling myself that this is the flu not withdrawals to try and keep the cravings away!  I confided in my best friend of 20 years. I was scared to death as she is all about anti-drugs!  She hugged me and told me she loved me and that WE would get thru this together!  I cried like a baby!  I needed that hug more than anything! Im still hanging in and fighting this!  I have to win so I refuse to give up!  I believe that everything happens for a reason so I believe God gave me the flu to cover up the withdrawals!  I figure not much more can go wrong so bring it on!  I refuse to say Why Me so I am saying Try Me!
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Oh Sissy you are too funny..We would have a blast..."Try Me" I like that..Hey and great way of thinking like that..Oh it is just a bad case of the flu.Well it is both..Oh you are a tough one..You are doing a Great Job..I still give this thread the thumbs up..It is one of the best ones I have ever read..Look at the new ones that you inspired all ready....Keep on keepin.... Hey them women are probably waiting for you to come back...
vickie
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Hey - so good to hear from you, and that you told your friend everything - that is huge!  Doesn't it feel so great to have that  burden lifted?  The stress of it alone.....It keeps you accountable too; which is just another way to help keep yourself on track. What a bummer about the flu, but at least you are getting it over all at once, right (good timing like u said)?  You stay positive and you will win this.  and I LOVE:

"I refuse to say Why Me so I am Saying Try Me!"

You are doing this! And you got the 100 down....
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Vickie-thanks again for the encouragement!  I dont know if I should be anyone's inspiration!  I am fighting this fight just like everyone else!  I am 2 hours away from 100 hours!  Wow!  Didn't think I would go it. I am learning that a lot of this is a mental game. I have been married twice and have a teenage daughter so I can play mental games!  Lol.
I want everyone who thinks they are too far into this addiction to know the real me!  I have told countless lies to get my pills...have justified my actions to myself...have spent money that should have been for food for my kids...have lost a job over pills...have lost friends...have been hospitalized for my liver shutting down and hid my pills and took them in the hospital!  I am less than 100 pounds and could take 30 pills a day and I know that I should be dead!  But I'm here!  I am fighting this with all I have!  I lost myself along the way and to be honest with yall, I really missed me!  

Sorry about the novel but I feel better getting that off my chest!  I am not a person to look up to!  I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!  Thanks to all of yall who have helped me believe in myself when I had lost all hope!  Yall are my Hero's!
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Julie, you were one of the first to teach out to me and I could never repay you for believing in me!  Telling my friend was so freeing!  I really thought she would end our 20 year friendship because I have told her countless lies. I have watched her daughter while high on pills!  I am not proud of the things I have done but I am proud of me right now!  Her giving me that hug just broke me!  Poor thing will have to wash her hair thanks to me crying on her shoulder!  Lol. She will make sure I am accountable!  I even gave her my debit card because I know the craving are getting worse!  I am calling my doctors and pharmacy tomorrow!  I will not leave a stine unturned!  I have to beat this just to prove to myself that I can do it!  God bless all of yall that take the time to help people like me!  Nothing less than than a Hero on my eyes!
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Thanks - and BTW you ARE a person to look up to.  You see all those things you did; the lies, the money, I did those things too.  Lots of addicts have done those things.  Opening up about it all adds even more accountability, a strong motivator for you, and really inspiring to a new person reading your story, wanting to quit.
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Hey y'all!  I am gonna brag for one second...I am coming up on 120 hours clean. I know it's 5 days but 120 sounds better!  Lol. Ok. No more bragging. Im feeling a little better from this flu/withdrawal!  Have no energy and a low grade fever but better. I wore my little white surgical mask and went to recovery again. I still can't get the nerve to talk tho. I tried tonight but it went like this...Hi.  I'm Sissy and i am an addict then all i could do was cry. Not the pretty, innocent, feel sorry for me cry but the blubbering, ugly face, snotty nose, can't breath cry. Will i ever be able to talk about this or will i always look like a crazy woman?

I still haven't managed food so am sticking with Propel and Boost. Im starving but nothing sounds good to me. I sure hope i get past this because i am ready for a big steak, loaded baked rater, fried okra and sweet tea!  Geez that sounds so good!  

My other question is do i also need to go to NA or AA if i am already attending the recovery group?  I plan on going 3 nights a week. What do yall think?

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sissy.......you ROCK!!! that is all i have to say my new friend!! Congrats on 120 hours clean!!
Paige
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Thanks Paige. I will be saying the same to you soon!  I believe in you!  I really think the flu has helped me because I know that if I did take a pill then I still wouldn't feel better so it has helped. Kinda crazy but it works for me!
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Sissy-

I don't even know what to say - I feel so proud of you it makes me get all choked up.  And now that's twice you have done it to me in 5 days - and didn't I already say I'm NOT a crier, dang it!!!!

I am SO happy to hear you are feeling better.  In my opinion the meeting decision is up to you; there are no "rules" here.  Whatever it takes to make YOU feel confident with your sobriety and get the support you need.  Have you looked in to where any are held in your area?  You could always go and check one out.  If it's not for you then just stay with the 3 times a week group and see where it goes from there.  The really great thing is that you HAVE already become part of a group in just these 5 days.  And don't worry about the "pretty crying", I think that's a just for TV thing anyway; I mean who looks "good" with red, swollen eyes and nose and . . well, you probably do  :)

Keep it up . . . you are quite an inspiration!

Julie
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Julie, thanks so much!  I could never repay you for all the support and for believing in me!  I really didn't know if I was ready but when everyone starting pulling for me then I just ran with it!  I dont feel great yet but I do feel great that I am doing it. Does that make sense?  I gotta say that yall were all right about getting rid of the 5 pills that I had. I really thought I needed them here just to prove it to myself but I think I would have taken them before the 100 hour mark!  I am so glad that they are not in a place that I can get them!  I dont think I am strong enough to not accept one if it was offered tho. Is that normal?  Do you ever get to where you can say no or am I already supposed to feel that strong?  I know I won't go searching for them tho.
I hear everyone say that aftercare is huge. I know once the depression starts creeping in that aftercare will be my best friend. I just wasn't sure if the recovery group is considered aftercare. It consists of all addictions from alcohol to shopping. I would like to start seeing a counselor once I go back to work and get insurance as I haven't dated in 2 years and think I need one on one help before I take that step!  The funny thing is that the pills have been the love of my life. I haven't even thought about a man since I found the pills. And I was at WalMart today and some guy walked by, he wasn't the best looking but boy did he smell good and I started following him around the store!  My 14 year old daughter said, watch out!  Momma is back!  I just died laughing!  LOL!  I knew the pills took away the hurt and sadness but never realized they took away my laughter!  I laughed so hard at her comment that I actually snorted in WalMart!  
So what about my appetite?  Will it come back?  I usually always eat when I am sick, might be all junk food but I eat so I figure that part is withdrawals!  
I have to quit posting because I try to just say thank you and I end up writing you a novel and I do all this on my phone!  Lol. Sorry for the novel and thank you for being you!
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You make me laugh out loud (better than crying again, right?).  I'm glad you threw away the pills too.  I  don't know how long it takes before a person should be able to say "no" if offered a pill.  I'm sure it's different for everyone; to be honest it would still be hard for me.  I just make sure I am NEVER in the situation.  ALL of my sources have been cut.  My doctor knows, my family knows, everyone knows.  Aftercare IS huge and what qualifies as such is different for everyone.  IMO your support group is definitely a source of aftercare, as would be seeing a counselor.  The type and amount needed varies by individual.  The Walmart story is hilarious - your 14 year old has got your number girl.  See, she went and grew up on you there a little while you were distracted by the pills - aren't you glad you wont miss another minute of it?  Your appetite will come back.  It's only been 5 days and I'm sure the flu is a big part of this too.  The fact that food is sounding good to you is a good sign I think.  Just make sure that you keep up the Boost, and other fluids until you can get some "real" food in you.  Maybe try with something small, like crackers or toast; and then go from there.  You can write a novel any time - no one is complaining.  Have a great night - keep it up and keep feeling better :)
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Sissy you have come along ways since the night FourJays and I was with you..5 days already..Wow that is hot stuff...I have been going to both AA/NA even If I have not had a drink in 8 years..I learn my tools in recovery from both..I have been going for 7 months and the meeting to night was just one of the hottest yet..It is like when you go there is always a message there for you..You could be thinking about something all day and Boom.It hit you..It either comes from the reading in the beginning or through some one else..I got two messages from 2 people who just shared there experience tonight..It is so nice to be around clean people who know that life does get tough..You are OK the crying is something every one does now and then..You are not Judged there but Loved..I am very Proud of you..You are just ticking away in time...
vickie  
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Sissy.....you make a girl wanna flush her pills! i just love hearing that you are feeling better!! im so grateful i got in on your story just in time to see you start your journey! you are doing SO GREAT!!
Paige
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Vickie, thanks so much. I read that first post earlier today and I didn't realize I was falling apart at the beginning of this journey!  If you and Julie hadn't of responded to me then I don't think I would have done it!  Yall literally saved my life!  I have realized in recovery group there is always something that just hits home for me. It seems like everywhere I look there is something that pertains to me at that moment. Even my fortune cookie said Time is the wisest counselor!  

Julie, you are so right!  I toom my first pill and my daughter was a little 12 year old girl who was busy playing. Now I have a young lady who is taller and bigger than me and all grown up looking!  I can't believe what I might have missed. And my little boy, who us thankfully still mommas boy, was a 7 yr old cute little boy. Now he is like a little man. He opens doors for all girls and carries their bags. Just the little gentleman!  I could not be more proud of my kids and the best part is that they are both proud of me too!  Sometimes, life is just good!
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Paige, that is one thing I have never been told before, that I make a girl wanna flush her pills!  LOL!  That one is gonna stick with me!  
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Hey there! I saw ur posts, and wanted to let u know that u are one tough little chic!! Hopefully ur feeling almost normal by now! :) I know what u were going thru, and mind u that u may physically still feel better but not completley mentally! So keep urself busy all the time! Play with ur kids, go take a walk, anything! I was on perc 30s for 4 years and was put on suboxone when found out I was pregnant, well (subutex) at the time, anyways my doctor cut me off after a year of being on the medicine I'm on day 8 and feeling pretty bad! I've withdrawaled alOt so I knew what to expect, my daughter is now 6 months and she made me have such a different outlook on life! I want to be done with drugs for good! Please keep posting, if u ever feel tempted or depressed just come here and talk to us! :)
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Amby, thanks for the support!  I see that you are new here. Go to the top of the page where it says post and you can post your own story so that others can help you. We have people who have been on subs. I wouldn't be clean today if not for everyone here!  You can ask questions about your symptoms and they will help you!  Thanks again symptoms and I hope to see a post from you soon!
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Sissy...,.I struggle to find words to comment on your thread, and anyone who knows me here knows I have no problem usually finding a LOT of words.

Your thread made me laugh, made me cry, especially the part about the meeting, and your sharing with your kids, made me smile, and made me cry some more.  I FELT as though I was going through these experiences right along with you.  I FELT your pain, your joy, your resolve, I felt the weight lifted when you cried with a simple human touch...letting you know it's going to be okay.  People can speak volumes without every saying a word, and that's what happened at your meeting.  Sounds like a WONDERFUL group!  

THIS is how it's supposed to be.  You are doing everything right, and then some.  I'm just so flabbergasted at your resolve and your willingness to TRY whatever you have to.  You ARE an inspiration, truly.

Keep doing what you're doing, I'm anxious to follow your progress.  You should be SOOOO proud of yourself.  You are "all in", and that will lead you to freedom.  I will pray that you feel better and better every day..keep posting!

The flu is a bummer for sure, but in a way, I think it will help a little with the remaining w/d symptoms, because you won't know what symptom is coming from which, and that may help you not focus on the symptoms as much.

God Bless You sweetie...thanks for sharing your story,  know you touched me deeply.  I feel drawn to you as a person, it's hard to explain, but even in your typed word, your personality and wonderful spirit shines through.  The people in your life are lucky to have you around.  And now they're going to get the REAL you, no more NUMBING with the pills.  You are a beautiful person.
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I am so happy for you! I am just picturing you happy, with your children discovering yourself again. You are simply amazing!
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Hi, Im new here but I have been reading the messages. Im so proud of you! I never thought about the gabapentin for your legs good idea. I think thats one of the biggest reasons I havent gotten the nerve to try to stop, becease the restless legs was the worst part for me. I would lay down because I was so tired but then would have to stand up and walk all around the house or outside because I couldnt be still. I hated it! Still praying for you!
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Hey y'all!  I've been getting a lot of messages checking on me. I honestly didn't think people would still want to know about my boring life!  Lol. It will be 13 full days in one hour that I have been clean!  I had the flu during all this which then turned into pneumonia because I am a smoker! Pulled muscles in my back and chest from coughing so the doctor offered me Norco and cough syrup with codeine!!!  Im not going to lie, my mouth actually watered but I said no thanks!  I've worked too hard to get this far!  The physical is over but the mental is coming on strong!  I haven't fixed my hair or put on make up but I have managed to get dressed and go out in the world!  Baby steps, right?  I am still attending recovery 3 times a week and loving it!  I dont want to say I got this because I work at it every day! I have everyone here to thank!  I could never repay yall for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself!  I would not be clean if it were not for everyone here!  Thank yall from me and my kids for saving my life!  I hope as I grow that I can pay it forward and help others! My new life has just begun and so far, I'm loving it!

Sissy
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HELLO..Julie and I were just talking about you...She said she heard from you..Great..You know you are our Pride & Joy on here...You have 13 days Ya!!!!! AND so sorry you got sick..BUT Great work and Strength to turn down the meds...AND Wonderful Information about the meetings..You are soooo Beautiful and just full of so much Inspiration..Us girls are going to get together some time..It is in the Future for us..You just hang in..I hope you are feeling a bit better today..You go Girl..Ya!!!!!!!!!
vickie
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Great choice in turning down the meds...you sound smart, willing, and realistic...you will go far! Congrats on your 'baby steps!' :o)
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