Mental part is really kickin in on my w/d's

Well its day two and my brain will  not quit telling me i need a pill this morning to feel better.  I took my L-Tyrosine, get a good hot breakfast and hit the day with all i got.  Not much ambition, put i keep hearing gnarly's words, its ok to be not ok for awhile.  It is very cold here this morning 7 degrees, brrr, and going to have a cold weekend here.  Husband and i are talking, and trying to work things out, we have alot of issues going on, and i told him yesterday, we need to stick together, and deal with it together, better than talking divorce.  I know the pills have been a BIG problem in our marriage, and it gives me another reason to fight this devil.   He doesnt understand my need to talk to you people, but I DO>  got a ways to go, but will be so worth it to feel normal again.  My dealer friend has moved, so no more calls there.  I do believe God is watching over me, thanks to all.

[10356]

Hi wannabefree.. when I first joined this group it was so alien to my husband that I would speak to strangers be on the computer at all besides to play cards.. as I got further along in my recovery he would be Pleased to seem me here :) My kids use to rib me about it Then when they saw the difference in my fight with addiction they set up my own account Now I have my own lap top lol not in a million years did I think I would be open with anybody.. My hubby told me the other day he knows this is where I can go just for me.. This is a big one as I have always been focused on my family animals anything but myself.. Those cravings you are having will pass You are early in the recovery. just a last ditch effort from your addiction to get you to bend to its will But you are stronger !! Hang in there and keep the communication going ok I know when I first got clean that is all I did was talk to hubby about everything for I was actually feeling again. Thank goodness that has leveled off as it took a lot for him to go through it with me.. You are doing good and I'm grateful your dealer has moved !! every lil bit helps :) lesa

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

10356 said it well. You are early in your addiction.This is some of the hardest days you'll go through. The emotional side of is so hard, as you can't take immodium or advil for the side effect like the physical wds. Keep coming here, read other's stories and seek out advice. Your husband doesn't understand and I'm so sorry for that..but hopefully he'll see soon that coming here will get you through the bad times. It's really like being in group therapy. Unfortunately, addicts are (in my experience) only tolerated and accepted and understood and truly cared for by other addicts. And that's ok and even understandable. You get empathy here, as we've all been there or are there.

You're going to be ok. You really are. Push through every moment like you did when you were first determined to stop. Keeping a journal helped me in the past. I would journal on my first days of wd, so that way if my brain told me to take a pill to get through something, I'd read that and say H**L no I'm not going through that again. And I know we rationalize and say one won't hurt, 2 will be ok, and so on. Then we're back at square one, only this time with even more guilt..You're better off just pushing through these difficult days. And I know waking up in the morning (if you've slept!) is like facing a demon. It's looking at the clock wondering when the day will be over and purely dreading every obligation you have. It's not easy, but it's easier than the pill chasing, $ spending, lying, feeling guilt, etc.

I hope every minute gets a little easier for you. Every minute you're sober, you're that much further away from the poison and closer to bettering yourself. Take care, I'll be watching to see how you're doing.

[tired_of_oxy]

Hey just a quick comment...I found that the L tyrosine made me very anxious and crave more!! I was told to wait until the physical wds were over to take it for energy. But with my anxiety I never could take it.

Maybe try cutting it out and see if that helps.

[wannabfre2b]

Well, doing better this morning, day three, dont have that little ******* in my head telling me, where is the pill i need.  I do think the L-Tyrosine gives me a little kick in am, and do think it helps, you know us addicts, as long as we are popping a pill in morning, it feels normal, when yu think about it, its really sick, huh.,  I slept good last night with some help of clanazapam. felt good to get some deep sleep. Been reading postes from everyone, seems like everyone is in a tight money situation, same here, we have to remember the real reason  for Christmas, and its NOT spending a bunch of money we dont have, and then have no money to pay bills, i think we are all suffering that way.  Im trying to keep chin up, read a little out of bible, then repeat gnarly's words all the time, its ok not to be ok for awhile.  Im pretty much over physical,  the mental part is what kicks my a####. Will keep posting alot.  thanks it helps.

[wannabfre2b]

Hey, hi it me, and i had a craving so bad, i drove around, and looked, for you know what, wastnt good, getting weak and need help.  thanks....................

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

I know what you feel like...God I have been there SO many times I can't count...staying up late and looking through pockets and places where I've stashed pills before...calling this doc and that doc and such..Every avenue you can find to get what your addiction says is what will make you feel better. Yeah, you'll feel better, for about 30 minutes, and then when you're coming off the buzz, you'll kick yourself in the butt and either start over in your sobriety or you'll seek more and more and more...until you run out or want to be sober again. Then it's going through what you've been through for the last few days.

All I can say is it will get better. It will. Those moments of weakness is what keeps our addiction at the forefront instead of an hour or a day or a week behind us. The longer you can fight it and stay stronger than weaker, the more pushed down the addiction gets. Let me give you some silly words of encouragement. This is pretty long, but I know the panic you're feeling and how you will read and do anything to stay sober, so here ya go. Again, it's long, but very inspirational. If you can find the clip of the movie I'm talking about on youtube, that's another place to go to watch it, these are just the words. I'll keep watching here and see how you're doing. You can DO this!!!!!!!!!! I believe in you!!!!
Alison

Ok here's the post I put up the other day...again a warning of how long it is, sorry!!!

My son was watching a collection of Disney Pixar's short films. In the collection is one called "Boundin'", about a confident little lamb who is stripped unexpectedly of his beautiful coat. Then along comes a jackalope of hope and teaches him about re-boundin'. Truly inspirational words masked as a child's cartoon. Sometimes we find hope in the oddest of places. In particular, I wanted to share this with anyone having a hard time with wds, recovery, relapse or anyone who can use some inspiration and hope. Heck, we all could right about now. Take what you want out of it, but I really found some very meaningful words that hit quite close to home. I know they aren't my own words, but I couldn't have said all this better myself. I immediately thought of all of us here who are having difficulty or even those who aren't. At any rate, please enjoy! We'll get through this!



Here’s a story on how strange is life with its changes
And it happened not long ago.
On a high mountain plain, where the sagebrush arranges
A playground south of the snow
Lived a lamb with a coat of remarkable sheen,
It would glint in the sunlight all sparkly and clean,
Such a source of great pride
that it caused him to preen.
And he’d break out in high stepp’n dance.
He would dance for his neighbors across the way.
I must say that they found his dancin’ enhancin’,
For they’d also join in the play.

Then one day… ***in this part of the cartoon, the lamb is taken and stripped of his coat***

Then a-boundin up the slope
Came a great American jackalope.
This sage of the sage, this rare hare of hope,
Caused to pause and check out the lamb.
“Hey kid, why the mope?”

“I used to be something all covered with fluff,
And I’d dance in the sunlight and show off my stuff,
Then they hauled me away in a manner quite rough
And sheared me and dropped me back here in the buff.
And if that’s not enough
Now my friends all laugh at me
Cause they think I look ridiculous, funny, and pink.”

“Pink? Pink? Well, what’s wrong with pink?
Seems you’ve got a pink kink in your think.
Does it matter what color? Well, that gets nope.
Be it pink purple or heliotrope.
Now sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down,
When you find that you’re down well just look around:
You still got a body, good legs and fine feet,
Get your head in the right place and hey, you’re complete!

“Now as for the dancin’, you can do more,
You can reach great heights, in fact you can soar.
You just get a leg up and ya slap it on down,
And you’ll find you’re up in what’s called a bound.
Bound, bound, and rebound.
Bound and you’re up right next to the sky,
And I think you can do it if you give it a try,
First get a leg up, slap it on down…”

So every year, along about May,
They’d load him up and they’d haul him away,
And they’d shave him and dump him all naked and bare.
He learned to live with it, he didn’t care,
He’d just bound, bound, bound, and rebound.

Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.

So there you go, some might think it's just a kid's cartoon with silly words, but I found a little hidden (or not so hidden) meaning in it. Thanks for reading. Thanks all!

[gnarly_1]

Hey girl so excited to see you on day 2 and fighting the good fight.....I feel for you out east with the temps around 7.....this is the time of yr I love my desert 65 today....it got to be tuff with the chills ....I lived in Chicago and its hard to keep the drafts out of the house just bundle up in a blanket....mater of fact rap your legs tightly with a blanket like swaddling a baby it will cut down on the restless legs considerable......I always write these at night and hope you dont read them till morning but if it 3am and your up shaking...let this encourage you to keep pushing past the pain the prize is so so worth it your no longer going to be chained to a pill bottle any more ....I found prayer to be helpful Gods all you got at 3am
if you do get up take your blanket to the couch turn on some soft music close your eyes and get lost in the music it may be the closet thing to sleep you get I know it helped me
keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless...I will add you to my prayers tonight........Gnarly  

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey there...
I'm heading to bed now, just wanted to say you're in my thoughts and prayers. We're pulling for you, maybe more than you know. We feel your pain and have been right there, even lower in some cases. Just know I'm here for you no matter what happens. Keep fighting! I'm going to keep checking in, so post and let us know what's up..hope all is well, we can get through this together!!!! xo
Alison