Methadone

[ginsu710]

Can Methadone be passed/excreted through body fluids on to another person resulting in that person experencing some of the side effects of the drug?

[CASEY]

Sorry to break in but I have an urgent question. My son detoxed from heroin. His veins are all collapsed so even getting an IV into him was impossible. Now he has bruises on his neck. Is it likely that he is shooting up in his neck? What should I look for or am I just being paranoid. Thanks.

[skipper]

GET THIS KID (IF HE IS UNDER LEGAL ADULTHOOD INTO THE FIST DETOX,TREATMENT CENTER, OR BEST YET ADOLESENT (adolescent) MENTLE HEALTH UNIT
YOU CAN!!!
i shot dope for almost 15 years and never would do a shot in my neck. i've used my feet, hands, arms ,and legs to shoot up- but never my neck. if you can examine the bruised areas and look for
small puncture marks (tracks). if the rest of his veins have already given out you surely know what that process looked like
while it was happening. IF YOUR SON ISN'T SHOOTIN UP, THEN HE IS
UP TO SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS AS SELF DESTRUCTIVE!!! IF YOU HAVE TO,
THROW A NET OVER THIS KID AND GET HIM CONFINED IN A PLACE WHERE
THEY CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT HE'S UP TOO!

I don't like to sound like a hard ass or Mr. tough love, but some-
thing is real wrong here. DON'T DELAY, THIS IS REAL SERIOUS WHAT
EVER HE'S UP TOO.
SKIPPER

[CASEY]

Thanks for your quick and heartfelt response.  He is nineteen so out of my legal control. He won't let me get close to his neck to see and he wears longsleeved, hooded sweatshrts in 80 degree, humid Seattle weather. I have made an appointment with an MD today and hope to get him there. He lives in the city and is hard to get ahold of  but will continue.  He claims that the bruises are from horseplay, wrestling and that he now bruises easily. I don't believe much anymore but feel pretty powerless. I go to Alanon all the time and pray for the best. thanks for your concern. If I ever get a straight answer, I will post. thanks, Casey

[skipper]

check in on your states laws for emotional health & substance.
abuse commitment laws. sadly i know (it happened to me) that in
Minnesota all it takes is a MD and a family memeber along with a
willing judge. i now live in Nebraska & it's real easy to commit family members for a 72 hour hold. this may be enough time for a
Dr. to figure out what is going on. maybe someone in your alanon group knows the details about getting a family member comitted.
good luck & don't give up
kip

[cindi]

I have to wholeheartedly agree with skipper, all though I never did heroin, I shot my body full of demerol and a bunch of other stuff...my hands, legs etc.  my excuse for all the bruising I had was the same, horse play, and since I worked nights I said I would bump into a patients bed in the middle of the night..every excuse under the sun...hooded sweats in the 80 degree weather...good luck to you my dear......LOve to all  cin

[ginsu710]

Being a recovering herion addict,having used IV drugs for 17 yrs., I can only say that while it IS possible to stop using nobody can make your son stop except him, and although it does sound like the bruises may be from injecting drugs only a doctor who sees them should make a diognosis.I, in the past, have tried cleaning up for everyone in my life but untill I did it for me it did'nt work.I wish the best for your son and yourself and If there is anything I can help you with I would be more then happy to do what I can.Stay positive and keep going to your meetings.
12 step meetings and counsling are a huge part of my recovery and recomend them greatly....sincerly, ginsu710 :o)

[CASEY]

It was very generous of you to respond to my dilemma when I had broken into your thread. Hope you got the info you needed.  Your words that you had "cleaned up for everyone else" but it didn't work until it was for you is word verbatim from my son. I know that coercion won't work for him so I just have to be prepared for if and when he will do rehab. Until then, I will try to keep him alive and let him know I love him. Your message was timely. I was losing track of my purpose and had started to give him ultimatums. That only makes him go more underground and reactive rather than feel safe to address the problem. I don't want to become part of his stressors, just his supporter. Thanks for the reminder.  Casey

[cindi]

Hey guys,,,I am very worried about Kerrie,  she has not posted here in quite some time and i have not had any e-mail from her....has anyone else?  If you hear from her let me know....I know she has not been too well lately and I am concerned..Love you guys    cin

[Thomas]

I know her daughter's in some kind of drug-related trouble with the law. That might be distracting her. Unfortunately, I don't have her direct address or I'd write her. Hope you're doing OK, by the way. Always good to read your posts.

Thomas

[jennyfla]

Hey girl,
She posted to me last week, i believe.
She was full of support and such a sweetheart.
I hope she is ok too.  Boy it's tough out here, that's why we all have to stick together.  You're a sweetie for being concerned and caring enough to shout of concern post!
Hope you have your house sparkling clean!!!!
Lv Jenny

[skipper]

jennyfla: it's old broken record kip again.THERE IS A WAY THRU THIS FOR JENNY!!!! I'M 50- IVE BEEN ON AND OFF DRUGS AT LEAST AS
LONG AS YOU (PROBABLY MUCH LONGER).SOME 16 YEARS AGO MY WIFE LOST
HER FATHER TO LUNG CANCER. THEY SAW IT ON CHEST X-RAY, SENT HIM TO
THE ONCOLOGY CLINIC, HAD ONE RADIATION TREATMENT AND DIED. THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK ABOUT 2 WEEKS. I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HER HE WAS GONE. 6 MOUNTHS LATER I GOT TO TELL HER THE FATHER OF MY STEP-SON BLEW A HOLE THROUGH HIS HEAD IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS GRANDFATHER'S HOUSE.BEING THE DELIVERY BOY OF ALL THIS BAD NEWS
REALLY PUT ME THROUGH SOME CHANGES, I CAN ONLY SPECULATE HOW BAD
IT WAS FOR HER! THE ONLY THING I TOLD HER WAS THAT THERE WAS A WAY
THROUGH THIS STUFF. I DIDN;T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, BUT I KNEW WE WOULD
FIND IT TOGATHER. AND WE DID!
jenny i've only been posting on this forum for several mounths, but it's saved my life. the people who turn the bad stuff around,
are the ones who "jump in and share the stuff thats keeping them
sick.This old junky NEEDS to hear that kind of stuff to stay clean, get redemption, find recovery. some one was there for me
and now it's my turn to be here for you or any other addict, stoned or straight.THERE IS A WAY THROUGH, AND WE WILL FIND IT!
keep it simple-concentrate on whats most directly in front of you.
My concerns are also very much the same as others, either get off the booze or the oxy. if you don't you may end up carrying your liver around in a wheel-barrow or worse. i value the things you've brought to this forum. It wouuld be a loss to everyone on this
forum if for any reasion jennyfla went away or just fell silent
and was never heard from again. the strength that you share when
you are growing, gives me what i need most of all!
be real careful, we all need each other!
kip

[jule1]

First of all thank you for your words of wisdom.  I am having a hard time with the guilt of being an addict.  I feel like I am a good mom but not the best I can be.  Now about seizures I told you I had one from taking too much Ultram and now while I am weaning off I want to work out again but I am afraid that might cause another seizure does anyone know about that Bless you all!  Cindi, are you home yet?  I hope you had a wonderful time

[Thomas]

let me put it this way, not too long ago, if I had been the babysitter's "boyfriend," I'd have been into your medicine cabinet before your car made it out of the driveway. Besides, she just wants to have a date and get paid for it. Obviously, I say thumbs down on the boyfriend. I don't know if I'd even use anyone who asked. 141/2 isn't a problem in itself. It comes down to the individual. Glad you're getting out, though. My son is 24 now, so he's got his own babysitter now.

Hope there's some joy in your life these days ... you know I care.

Your Friend,

Thomas

[Thomas]

I didn't know jenny was mixing alcohol with narcs. God, that's a bad idea! My understanding is that, normally, say, a Vicodin would break down slowly and as it entered your blood stream your liver would be working to filter it out. Thus, the whole pill's worth of hydro is never in your bloodstream at one time. With alcohol present, your liver in some way "concentrates" on filtering out the alcohol and ignores whatever drug you've taken, causing a potentially fatal build-up in the circulatory system. I didn't get this from a doctor, but the source has been pretty reliable concerning this kind of information. Talk to most ER docs and they'll tell you most OD's they get involve alcohol, regardless of what the other drug is. I hope she reads this and it scares her enough to reach out locally for help. I also pray that she's OK. It would kill me if anything happened to her ...

[susanlea]

Jenny you will be ok. I know just how you feel, not really sure how he's going to be when he gets home. It's very scary. You know the dangers mixing alcohol with the pills. If this was me what would you say? What would you tell me to do? What would you say about my boys? You have all the answers right inside you. You know what you need to do for you and your kids. Don't worry about your husband, he's in a safe place and  just where he needs to be. Like Cindi said, take one day at a time. If you can I want you to go buy this book "Courage to Change". I got it at an Al-Anon meeting, and it's keep me focused and it's given me peace. Find out what you need to make you happy. We get so used to all the stress and chaos in our lives that when it's gone, we actually miss it! We don't know what to do with ourselves. Please go to an Al-Anon meeting, listen, share if you like, believe me this will help. You have my number if you need to talk....I am always here.....Bless you my sweet friend....Love Susan

[jennyfla]

Feeling a bit lost tonight, trying to fight off an anxiety attack.  I don't do well on my own, i've never really been alone in my life.  Only the 1-month period when my husband was in rehab last time around.  How could i feel alone, he calls constantly (collect!) lol!
He is addicted to methadone and oxys, and he is determined to detox in 5-days.  I don't see how it's possible.  The dr wanted to do it in 9-days, but he wants them out of his system asap, the fastest they are out, the more time he has to heal in the 28-days.
he feel apart when i told him that our 8-year old said 'hi' to him as if he were still here.  She was playing, but they miss him very much.
i was sorry i told him that.
My kids are keeping me real busy, but my workday drags and i think too much.
i can't seem to fend off the withdrawals, so i'm still using :(
what am i going to do, i have to be clean by the time he returns.
I seem to need the drugs and alcohol more than ever right now, i don't feel very strong.
I know i need some meetings, and plan to go once my husband returns.  I can't face them alone.  I'm really pretty shy, although no where near as bad as i once was.  i was painfully shy at one time.  I even had trouble walking down the street alone.
I'm 100x better know, but i used to suffer so very very very much for over half of my life.  one day, i just started to snap out of it, it was strange, but i'm still alittle shy.
Anyway, i do know that i need some counseling very badly.. maybe i can find some soon.
My husband told me something very very disturbing yesterday, something about his mom...  Both his parents (his dad is deceased) were incredibly abusive to him both mentally and physically, and mentally is some very disturbing ways.  He told me something that is very very deep, and i can't believe that i've known this man for 20-years and he never told me... i can't help but feel so sorry for all the pain he must have inside.  No wonder the poor thing is so screwed up... i love him with all my heart and only wish that one day, he was rise above all the pain he has inside, and start to live for himself and learn to accept things for what they are, and make the most out of life for himself.
It tears me up inside!!!!!!
It's been such an emotional time lately, just a bit more than i am able to cope with, and i am a strong person.
I can only pray and hope that he will find strength, and i will try with all i have to help guide him to the proper spots, and try not to make things worse for him.
Keep up in your prayers.
Lv Jenny

[wildcat]

Jennyfla,

You wrote some very deep thoughts and feelings. I hope it made you feel better to get it out. I know it does for me. You seem strong and holding in there.

PLEASE- Don't mix the booze with the drugs. It may kill you accidently. You don't want your husband to go through all this pain and have your children and him left in a mind meltdown.

Alcohol cannot mix with most drugs except maybe plain aspirin and a little advil, but that's about it. Any sedative type drugs mixed are too powerful and maybe you can get away with it one time but your body might be a little different the next. Please don't play with both together!!!!!!!!

I'll be praying for you and everyone else in this forum. We always needs God's, or our HP'S help to keep us strong. Just ask for the strength and you will feel it flow into you almost instantly. And keep the channel to your HP open almost as if you are talking to him there while you are lonely. He will comfort you. Take care, luv to you all,

wildcat

[jennyfla]

Thank you for being here!
I actually sleep with the bible right next to my bed, and thank you for reminding me that just by talking to god and asking for his strength, i will get a sense of relief.  I've felt it before, i just get tired of asking...
I need to get focused, real focused.  I'm not taking anything for anxiety right now, it's mainly the pain pills.  I don't take enough to do much damage, i've maintained a pretty low dose considering.  
I'm going to beat this thing even if it kills me (just kidding!)
Thank you for your support!  :)
Lv Jenny

[skipper]

i'll keep repeating mysef. there is a way thru all of this! just
concentrate on the problems in front of you. having trouble sleeping tonight myself.
kip

[Milo]

Keep hanging in there, Jenny! I know what a kind person you are, & unfortunately being kind & caring about others makes us vulnerable to the kind of pain you're going through now. For your husband to tell you what he did about his parents shows great courage & trust, and just the fact that he's finally able to share it wit someone else is a good sign. Don't feel bad that he kept it secret for so long. Child abuse of any kind prduces deep feelings of shame, and affects people in ways they may not even be aware of for decades to come, their whole life if they don't do something about it. It sounds like you both are committed to making serious changes, and I *know* you have the strength to do it even though it feels overwhelming right now. Like Skipper (a wise person) says, focus on taking care of the kids & yourself *now*, & being there for your husband. Of course it would be great if you were off everything by the time he comes home -- but you're in an intensely stressful situation right now, and it just may be too hard for you to completely detox while dealing with all of this. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You know what you're capable of doing, and you don't have to do more than that. Do what you can, & let yourself feel good about that. Just doing what you're doing right now takes a hell of a lot of strength, courage, & will, & I'll be the first to say I admire you for it!
PS Thanks for sharing that you used to be so shy & still are in some situations. I'm the same way. It helps me to know I'm not the only one! -- Your friend, Milo

[Wizard]

My dear friend you ARE stronger than you think! I have to agree with wildcat about mixing the booze with the "Dragon"...that's a really BAD combo. At this point with so much going on AND so much to lose PLEASE, PLEASE GIRL, at the very least pick one or the other. I've seen your picture and and have read your posts and e-mails to me, and I don't want the world to lose such inner AND outer beauty! Your children need you, your husband needs you and YOU need you to be with us for a very long, long time! When the "Dragon" calls the hardest dear, you REACH for that Bible on the stand. You hold it close to your heart and know that I am praying for you at that very moment to open it and consume just a little passage instead of a swig of alcohol. Remember...One or the Other....Not both....We love you very much Jenny...very, very much....stay with us as we will stay with you. God Bless you and your family. You are in my thoughts and Prayers.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
luv Wiz

[Wizard]

Hey Dorothy, the last I heard from Kerrie was a few days ago when she posted to me here. She said she tried to write me but the e-mail came back and she thought she had my wrong address. The one she posted was right though and I posted mine for her again but she hasn't responded. Kerrie, if you see this here it is again   ***@****   Thomas is right about her daughter. I know she has her hands full right now. I don't have her e-mail address or I'd try to get to her that way also. If you get before me let me know. i have to run to my Doc appt. now I'll check in with you all later.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
luv Wiz

[cindi]

dear sweet Jenny,  You remind me sooo very much of me...Jesus, it's like looking into a mirror...I feel not only for you but with you....I, myself have never been alone...so I don't know what I would do in your situation....but this I can say to you.....It has taken me a very long time to realize we are NEVER alone...even though we have our kids, our parents, friends, but yet it still seems we are alone...but we also have ourselves and we have the most important...God...I hate to keep bringing up the subject of my mom because this is not about her and I right now, It is about you, and in no way do I want to take the focus off of you, but I want to share what I have learned since her death...I had lost my faith,  I was angry at God, and I still am...but I have learned it is ok to be angry, it is ok to be afraid.  that is human nature to fear the unknown...and this is what you seem to be feeling,,what will tomorrow bring...the sun will shine and the birds will sing, and we will go on.but you can't see that right now,,,the days have no beginning and no end,,,there may be no light at the end of the tunnel for you but from what I am getting out of your post is you still have your faith.  we, all of us here can see that, and we can see that you are stronger than you think...we never give ourselves enough credit...when I learned my mom had died, I myself thought I would never make it myself...I thought I was going to have a meltdown right then and there but I had to muster up the strength for my kids, my gramma and my sister...and I did it...it was not easy but I did it. you need to muster up all of your strength for your kids and your husband but also for yourself...you will need every ounce you can get...if you have access to something for your anxiety..why not take it?  anxiety, believe it or not is not a good thing..it can cause problems all in itself.  I cannot stress enough the importance of taking care of you first and foremost...so you can be ok,,,right now you have to hold your family together....you have those beautiful kids and a husband who obviously wants to save his life and his marriage.  One day at a time, one minute or even one second at a time if need  be....REMEMBER, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE... Keep a journal,,writing is very therapeutic and cathartic.   share your feelings wit yourself or someone close to you...call me on the phone if you have to I can e mail you with my number..send me mail, write to the forum  write your husband a letter,  tell him everything you have told us...share your feelings with hime...wheter or not your actually give it to him or not is up to you but just writing it can help you....keep posting here,  we are your family and we care....that is the greatest thing about this place...we love each other and care about each other..I hope I have not babbled too much..actually I think I did but..if you have not gained one ounce of something from this at least it killed a few minutes.....feel better and keep busy    love to you and all   cin

[cindi]

Hi Thomas.  It is nice to hear from you...are you doing ok?  Keeping busy?  I have been so busy since getting home from Florida..Celebrated my 8th wedding anniversay the other day and we are planning to go out this weekend but my babysitter all of a sudden "grew up "  LOL so I have to get a new sitter...which makes me nervous but I can't stay home forever.....do you think that 14 1/2 years old is too young to sit?  I started babysitting when I was 12 but that was a bazillion years ago and times have certainly changed...these kids just come right and ask if they can bring the boyfriends ect. to babysit..I said absolutely not...do you think I am wrong?  I am just not comfortable with the boyfriend thing...anyway,,,,I just wanted to say Hi,  catch up with ya later tater   Love cin

[jennyfla]

There's one real big question that comes to mind reading all your posts tonight; where in the world did all of you come from?  My only guess is a very wonderful, beautiful and the most special part of heaven that anyone has ever known.
Wow, what support, and i can't thank each and everyone of you enough!!!! :)
I got lost in a movie tonight and didn't log on until after midnight, and just thought i'd scan the post, and what a wonderful way to end my day!!!  I want to thank each one of you for all your words of support and encouragement, you don't know how much it means to me (but you all do, and that's what makes you all so special!!!)
I'm ok tonight, i've had a flood of phone calls tonight with words of encouragement.  Mostly from those who are fighting the disease themselves.  You see, us addicts are the most special people on earth... We feel everything so deeply, it's hard not to get caught up in the world of addiction in such a stressful world such as this...  But, we all have the power inside (if we allow it), to rise above this addiction, and continue to be the wonderful, sensitive people that we are... we all deserve to life a happy life, and not have to suffer just because we 'feel' too much!
My husband calls and cries on the phone.  He's afraid for me, and wants me to 'stop' just like he is learning to do.  I wonder if he 'fears' for himself, thinking that he won't be able to be strong around me if i am still using.  I can't help but feel there are two sides to his pleas!  But i must do this for myself and not for anyone else.  I can do this for myself because i deserve this.  
I was driving the schools to their places of care today, on my way to work, and i felt it seemed to be a beautiful day outside, but something was missing...  I couldn't 'feel' it like i used to.  I tried, but it wasn't there.  I want to be able to 'feel' again, i miss that most of all...  My brain has shut down it's receptors, and i want them back open again!!!  I remember one morning, sometime last year, my husband was lying in bed unable to get up and face the world.  I came into the bedroom and opened up the window to let the fresh fall air in, and alittle sunshine.  He groaned as if i had opened up the sunlite to a vampire...  I couldn't understand why he couldn't feel the breeze and be happy and enjoy that it was such a beautiful day outside.  But now, i understand.  At the time, i just wanted to force him to enjoy it, and shake some sense into him.  His pain has run through me as if we were attached together, and unfortuately, i let him pain take me right down with him.  Co-dependency is sometimes worse than the disease of addiction itself...  We feel our pain and those of the ones we love.  We want to take all the pain from others and swallow it up so that they can move on and live without it, but it doesn't work that way.  No one can take another's pain away, no one is that powerful.  I need to learn to stand for me, and know that in my doing this, that only then can i really give my husband the support that he will need to get through this.  I can help him support himself, but i can't take the pain away.
Susan... i know i have Courage to Change around here somewhere.  I just went into a bag lying way too high up on my closet shelf and realized i need to read some of those books.  I'll look around for this one because i know i have it somewhere.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement...
Thomas, so far so good for my old liver... i had a blood test 2-months ago, and all is well, but i know that is only temporary if i continue my ways...  
My husband was sent to the local hospital for an e.k.g because they heard an irregular heartbeat.  Test showed he is alive and his heart is fine (thank god!)...  I'm interested in seeing his results of his blood test.
I asked him tonight if he was happy to be there.  He said 'yes' through tears.  He said he is starting to 'feel' again, and it's been a long long time.  I hope he will feel the joy of music soon, he loves music.  I bought him a guitar for his birthday last April and has yet to play it.  When he opened it up, he cried.  He had pawned his guitar back a year or so back...  i hope he will play again soon.
He said that he knows he was getting closer and closer to death.  We will probably never know how close he was, but i told him that i want him to be around for a long long time (with me).  I'm counting on him not to leave in this world all alone!!!!  I want him to watch his kids guaduate and marry, and have babies, so we can become grandparents together.  I want to be here to watch these things!!!!!  I'm too good to leave this world just yet, there's too much left to do, too many people left to save (just kidding!)
But i did want to thank you guys for being here for me, each one of you have a special place in my heart!!!!!!  Love and Prayers for each one of your!
Love Jenny

[jennyfla]

I just walked outside (it's about 1:30 am here), and the birds are chirping and the crickets are 'cricketting' or whatever crickets do, and the frogs were crocking earlier (better them than us), and it's breezy and the air smells fresh!
I'm liking life, and things are going to be 'good'.  Funny, that's what my hub said earlier tonight.  Things are going to be 'good'.  But i heard that last time, but i will try to keep open-minded that things WILL be 'good'.  He knows he is being given a second chance, and might be his last chance.  I hope he will make it, and i hope i can get through this too!
I've cut down somewhat today, but i'm trying not to believe that it's only because i am running lower on pills.  He made me promise that i won't return to my next doctors appt, he said he will call her himself if he had to.
I have enough to taper, i just need strength.
Thanks again guys, i'm going nite-nite!
Talk to you tomorrow.
Prayers and love to all of you, and i'm here for you!
Lv Jenny

[Angelica]

your post touched my heart.  Cancer has plagued us all.  Pain in general.  ......Most of all you were right in saying we all need each other.  I've found no other care and support as I have found here.  I've been posting here for 7 months and counting, and I feel as though I've known these people all of my life.  Best Wishes.......Angelica

[Angelica]

....Just in case you miss the post down below....I'm back.  Actually I've been back since Monday, but had mouse trouble.  LOL  I just replaced it.
Just want to thank you guys for giving me loving/caring advice during my little dilemma.  I'll get around to emailing you all this weekend.  I miss corresponding w/ you guys.  Its amazing to me, how you can detect problems w/ your cyber friends and we've never even met.  Truly amazing.  Take care
Love,
Angelica

[Angelica]

....Re: the above msg.......that goes w/ out saying for you too. Hope all is well w/ you these days, my dearest friend!
Love,
Angelica

[susanlea]

I'm happy to hear you sound so positive! But Jenny you're forgetting! You have always been there for everyone of us! I hope you will try and at least taper down. When your husband comes out he will be clean, you two can start a better life together, a life without pills, a new and better life. You are strong my friend, I believe you can do it! Remember our talk about about Easter, backyard, kids, dogs, peace. It's very important your husband finds a really good sponser. Have him keep in contact everyday. It's said, 90 meeting's in 90 days. Try and get him to do this. My ex did well after coming out of detox, but when he slowed down on the meeting's and not calling his sponser was when he relapsed. Also he play's in a heavy metal band and with that enviorment he was thrown right back into that scene. If you know what his trigger points are, maybe you can get him to avoid them. What ever he associates with taking pills will restimulate him, so change his envoirment. Keep in touch, and God bless.....Love Susan

[jennyfla]

Thank you sweetie...  Right now, i miss we could move far far away from here so there wouldn't be anything to remind my husband of anything to do with addiction, except himself, and me of course, i guess those are two big things huh!
He is changing jobs, (no choice), so that is a good thing!
I went to bed around 2 last night, and could feel withdrawals creeping up.  I woke up a mess at 3:17, and had to take something.  OK so far this morning, haven't taken anything since then...  feel it a bit, but it's ok so far.
I am going to see my hubby on Sunday, taking all the kids too.  It's supposed to rain very hard all weekend long, and we're actually getting a cold front (we love those in Florida).  I plan to stay in bed from a long long time tomorrow morning, just gonna catch up on my dreams.  The kiddies are great, they love to sleep and let me sleep too...  Even my 1-year old, she's an angel!
Wish me luck, i want to do this, but the other side of me doesn't; i want to be high!  This is very very hard, torn between what i know i have to do, and what i want to do.  I know if i continue down the road of addiction, i will drag my husband down with me and he will die...  Also, my addiction will slowly get worse and worse.  Although, i feel it's ok now, not causing too many problems, but that could change overnight, and i could loose everything, then it could be too late. This disease is tricking, it has a way of creeping up on you without you even noticing, and then when it's got a tight grip, it won't let go, and you're caught!
Good luck girlfriend, and keep enjoying those summer breezes, and birds churping!
Love Jenny

[FlowerChild11601]

Hello Jenny, you probably don't remember me but I've been reading for about a year and posting on occassion.  I feel that I have to answer your post because we are in similar situations and you remind me of myself.  I have a husband and a 5 yr old child.  My husband and I have both been using opiates and drinking for years.  Just in the last two have we really been trying to get sober.  I want you to know that I am now down to 1.5 lorcet in am then 1.5 lorcet in pm (12 hours apart).  I was up to like 15 - 20 per day (I'm sure it would have gotten higher)  I feel very uncomfortable but I am dealing with it because I DON'T WANT TO DIE.  I also think I can handle uncomfortable better than cold turkey.   My husband is on the exact schedule as me and we are each others support.  This can also work against us when one wants to use and the other goes along.  BUT so far so good.  We are tired.  This is not a way to live.  This is a way to die.  I cry alot because so many feelings are coming out.  But again - this is not fun - counting pills - feeling sick.  For what?  To die.  I also feel like I know everyone hear but I think Thomas and Cindi are the only two who know me.  Thomas, I have decided that if this doesn't work that I will go to outpatient although I just know this time that I have made up my mind and will continue to taper.  Last time the chronic pain (and my disease) got me back.  This time I'm going to try EVERYTHING else besides narcotics for the pain. If they don't work then I will just deal with it.  I mean I have RDS in right hand and shoulder pain but I really could deal with it if I wanted to as my pain is not a 9 or 10 like some on the forum.  I want to thank each and everyone of you for what you've written over the last weeks.  It has helped me tremendously.  Skip, I read each of your posts with interest "Day 1, Day 2, etc" because even though I am tapering, I am still very uncomfortable because of the dosage cuts.  BUT I WILL DEAL WITH IT and I will get through this.  Feeling uncomfortable and cold turkey are two different things.  My husband changed his cell number yesterday (our dealer calls us if she doesn't hear from us) and lucky for us the her number has also changed and we threw it out (we knew the old one by heart).  So at least that is a little bit of extra temptation gotten rid of!  Anyway, Thank you all, I will continue to read and hopefully within the next few days or the next week, I will be completely off these things.  Then the real work begins.  Love to all, Maryanne

[cindi]

Hi Maryanne,   how are you  and BTW  thanks for the e-mail..that was so amazing...I think I am going to send it to alot of people..Hang in there,,,,we all stumble...it is a fact of life....each and everyone of us addict or "earth person" it happens we get up, dust off and keep on going...I have to get going but i wanted to drop in and say hi,,,,,,nice to see you posting again   love cin

[Wizard]

Nice to see your creative writing taking place! Milo was right about you writing. I can see when you are feeling better because your wonderful creativity comes out! That's a sign to me of better days ahead for you and your family. As Skipper has said many times...there is a way through! You just keep doing what you KNOW is best and stay in touch with us especially when you hear the "Dragon whispers". We will always be here for you to take your attention away from the cravings and to offer the moral support that you need darling. I'm so happy that my prayers have been answered in that the important 1st steps have been taken in your household. God Bless you and your family and stay FOCUSED!
I'll be atcha later!
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
luv, Wiz

[Thomas]

same back to you, dear one.

Thomas

[jennyfla]

I'm so glad it's the weekend.  Things have been up and down.  I wish i could just learn to 'hate' the drugs alittle more, the cravings are so strong.  
I know i need help with this, i can't do it alone.  It's gonna take alot of effort, but i know i can't be using once my husband returns, but the will has to be stronger than that.
His sister, the district attorney, called him today offering to help.  She wrote me an email and asked me to give her a list of our bills and numbers so she could call and set up some sort of payment plans.  I can do this myself, thank you!
Plus, she offered to drive to fl from pa, and take my children for a month or so, and take them shopping for back to school clothes.  IS SHE NUTS!!!!!!!
I appreciate her offer and understand that she is offering a lot, but what my children need most of all right now is to feel safe and secure at home with their mother.  My children are ages 8, 5, and 1.  I need them right now as much as they need me.  I would never ever even think of disrupting their little lives like this right now.  I am trying my best to keep their lives as 'normal' as possible.  I could just imagine if she knew the whole story, that i am an addict too, she would probably try to have them taken away!  Doesn't she realize that they are 'people' too?
I thanked her kindly, but no, that wouldn't be in their best interest.
Worse thing about all this is that she is calling my husband at treatment, and confusing him with all these details.  I told her that it is causing him too much stress, and he needs to concentrate on his program and recovery right now, and to please communicate directly with me from now on.  He called in tears and anger because she is trying to 'control' too much.
Ugh, why do people try to help in all the wrong ways.  She is talking to him about changing professions once he gets out, etc. etc.  I told her one-step at a time, and to please try not to overload him with too much right now.
Ugh!  What can you do!
Thanks for listening.
I'm doing ok tonight, just glad it's the weekend!
:)
Love Jenny

[cindi]

Hey chickie chick..you seem to be in better spirits today...maybe wiz sprinkled his dust again...everyone tries to help in bad situations...your sister in law probably has no idea of what is really goiong on..you know her,,I don't but, and correct me if I'm wrong, it really only does sound like she is trying to help..sometimes the things other people want todo for us seems great and helpful to them but to us it is a total pain in the ass..and more of a hinderance than help...and you know how attorneys can be  they are go getters, the kind of take the bull by the horns people...aggressive, action type people..which is a good thing if you are in that profession, but for just plain old folk like you and I that's a pain in the ass controlling type of person....who really doesn't mean any harm. unless she is just trying to be downright nosy.   In that case I love to have fun with nosy people....by setting them up for something so big and exciting they think they have stumbled on to and then ba da bing ba da boom,,flat on their faces...not nice of me but I have had my share of nibby little busy bodies...my mother in law for example...anyway  that's a horse of a different color..well,  i am gettig ready to go on a date    yep  a real date...we hired a sitter and we are going to the movies and dinner.....for our anniversary  then who knows  :)   what usually happens on dates anymore?  :)  all I know is I am not up to getting caught in the backseat of our car...how embarassing....besides that happend to me many years ago...a cop walked up to the car..gave us the 3rd degree and then said have a good night    LOL  talk about ruining the mood  LOL  anyway  I am getting way off topic..I am in a good mood and from your post you seem to be doing better.....hang tight hon....it will get better   love cin

[Thomas]

Hello, my friend. You've shown great will power and discipline to go from 20 plus Lortabs to 1.5 twice a day. Considering you've got chronic pain, and assuming 1.5 Lortabs every 12 hours takes care of it, why go completely without it and spend your day suffering? Is it that just having the Lortabs around is too much of a temptation to deal with? Otherwise, 1.5 pills every twelve hours doesn't sound bad at all!

If you can live with that and stick to it, why live in the pain which you know is coming when you discontinue the Lortabs altogether? There is such a thing as legitimate, sensible and safe use of drugs like Lortabs. They aren't inherently evil, especially when they're helping to preserve some level of quality of life and their use doesn't get out of control. I've always thought that chronic pain patients had nothing to be ashamed of if they used narcotics like Lortab in safe doses, which you seem to be describing. What if you could stick to your present rate? 3 a day for what must be a very painful condition just doesn't strike me as being so bad. Sometimes, all this conversation about these painkillers makes people feel guilty who are actually being quite sensible and safe with their use. Are you just afraid that your use will escalate if the stuff is even around? I can certainly understand that. On the other hand, it pains me to think you're going to be living in constant pain just to say you're not using any rx painkillers? Is it worth it?

Your friend,

Thomas

[jennyfla]

Hey girl!
Oh, I love it when i see someone i care about in a good mood, you deserve it!!!!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU BOTH!!!! I hope you are having a fun time on your date, how wonderful that you two are getting away, ALONE, and having a fun time together!
Wow, you described my sister-in-law to the 'T', aggressive is putting it mildy!  I know she is just trying to help deep-down, but i wish she understood that my children are 'people' and have feelings too.  They aren't just cattle, and they can't be shipped off just to give us more space and time to ourselves.  Plus, they've only met his family once, and that was quite a while ago.  I told my 8-year old daughter what was going on, and she said "NO WAY" will she go anywhere unless i go with her.
I wrote my sister-in-law an email the other night, and i explained to her how i was feeling about the whole mother-in-law thing, and how she is making things worse for me and my husband right now.  I wasn't cruel with my words, only honest with my feelings.  Well, my mother-in-law must have gone on my sister-in-law's computer, and read the email that was intended for my sister-in-law's eyes only.  My husband spoke to his mom, and she started to read the email to him, upsetting him of course; that seems to be all she does when she talks to him.  I tried to call my sister-in-law today, I wanted to tell her that it is only upsetting him to talk to his mother right now because she seems to be very good at saying all the wrong things.  I want her to lay-off for a while, and not talk to him at all while he is trying to get better.  He called me in tears early this morning, all confused!  This whole things is getting so out-of-control, and completely crazy.  He called me back and said that his mother is "crazy" (I've been trying to tell him that for a long long time).  Also, his sister seems to be completely naive when it comes to the topic of addiction alltogether.  He asked her how long has she been an expert on addiction, and she said 15-years.  I had a conversation with her last week, and let me tell you, this women is blind when it comes to addiction.  My husband tried to explain to her that it's not about the program and not about staying in for extended care, etc. etc., it must come from within, and unless he is willing and ready to get well, nothing in this world will work.  She keeps trying to convince him that we need to move, or he needs a different line of work, or really, not to work at all is what she is suggesting.  Unfortuately, I think loosing our home, and not being able to eat would be a real good way to relaspe in my opinion.  She thinks he can collect disability, which i've researched and i know it's not an easy thing to do.  It also takes somewhere around 1-year before someone could even collect, and that's after not working for that full year.  I've filed unemployment for him, yesterday, so hopefully that will come through and be helpful while he is trying to figure out what he wants to do for employment.  I really think his back will feel much better after he gets all the drugs out of his system.  I know he hurts, but i'm real curious to see what may be the real cause of his pain.  You just can't feel good punching holes in your arm everyday and putting tons of chemical in your system.  I know his body was tired of the abuse, and the state of withdrawal he was in most of the time, can make you feel like you've been hit by a mack truck.  I feel very confident in saying that i am quite knowledgeable on the subject of addiction.  Not only with what i've read or what's been told to me, but having a personal case-study to observe, and believe me, i watched him like a hawk, always trying to figure out what he was doing, and how he reacted.  Not to mention, my own case-study on myself.  I've lived it (nowhere near to the extent that he has), but still, i know what it feels like, and i know the mental anguish involved when you crave that, so powerful, drug!!!  I know his pain, and i know how hard it is to beat it.  I told him tonight that i'm going to find a meeting to go to because it's just too hard.  I want to be honest with him, and keep things simple and lite, but i want him to know where i am coming from.  He talked about the 90 meetings in 90 days, and i am so happy that he seems to be willing to do that this time around.  He wants to buy a motorcycle.  He used to have them, and gave it up when he first became a father.  I think that's a great idea, it shows that he is interested in 'living' again.  He talked about some hobbies he used to have, and about getting back into them.  I am thrilled that he is thinking about doing things other than being the couches big paperweight again.  It would hurt to my inner core seeing him wasting away on that couch all of the time, laying there asleep, sleeping away his life.  When he wasn't working or shooting up, most of the time he would be sleeping wishing that the world would go away.
We got to visit him tomorrow, and i can't wait.  He talks about all the rich, spoiled people in that place and it sickens him to hear them talk about all they have (material possessions).  I wanted to tell him that he is the riches man there, because he has a beautiful, loving family!   I can't wait to march our beautiful children through the grounds tomorrow, i know that will make him proud and give him a boost that i'm sure he needs.
Well thank you for listening to my forever post!
You take care, and I love you girl!
Jenny

[jennyfla]

Wow, girl, i have to hand it to you, i admire your strength and courage.
I wish you all the best in your tappering and getting away from the pain meds, for yourself, and your 5-year old child.  I have a 5-year old too, and boy they can be a handful at times.
As was said to you, i hope you can deal with your pain without meds altogether.  
My husband suffers from back pain, but i know that he can't handle pain medication because he just doesn't know when to stop.  If you give him a handful, they will be gone in no time, he has no willpower.
I hope that you are able to do what is best for you, and that you will feel well, and happy real soon.
Thank you for sharing your story, and we are all here for you anytime!
Love Jenny

[Toms Wife]

I'm sorry your question got lost in the other posts.

I live in Florida and when I was about 19 or 20, I had to "Baker Act" my mother due to acholoism (sp?) she tried to cold turkey it and almost died.  Once she kicked it the first time and remarried, she slid back and her husband was forced to do it again.  Luckily she has been sober many, many years now.

All you need to do is get your son to the doctor, whatever way you can, and the doc can get you started. Or call and find out what you can do. It's a very hard and painful thing to do.  I still feel alot of guilt after 20+ years that I was forced to do that.  It wasn't no swanky resort.  She had to detox downtown with the rest of the junkies and then was moved to a public rehab. (a renovated motel on the outskirts of town)  But I saved her life the first time and my step dad saved her the second.  She is now an alumni with AA and that is her lifeline along with her family.

Please help your son!

Lynda

[FlowerChild11601]

Hello Thomas!  You know, I have been carrying a bottle of Lorcet in my purse for the last couple of weeks while sticking to my tapering schedule. The thought never crossed my mind that I could actually just take what I need!  LOL  :)  Last time it was all or none, you know.  I just don't like HAVING to take ALL the medication I was on just to feel "normal" but I AM feeling okay with just 3.  The uncomfortable feeling is getting less uncomfy.  And actually, YES, it IS relieving my pain. I just don't want to go through any withdrawal on the days where I don't need anything, you know?  So I will continue to take each day as it comes (and definately not go over 3) - I'll keep tapering too and if I feel severe pain when I'm down to 1, maybe I'll just take one (the question is can I do it?)  Maybe I'll have my Mom hold my medication for me- she knows everything about me - she is a nurse (me too as you know) and we work on a case together (I do days, she does nights) so I see her everyday almost.  She has never had an addiction problem (doesn't even drink) but my Dad did, so she understands.  I really feel like I don't ever want to go back where I came from.  I have been reading your posts over the last few months and am SO HAPPY for you!  I'm so glad you detoxed from the opiates Tom. Good luck and God Bless!  Love, Maryanne

[FlowerChild11601]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.  It is great to have a support system like this.  Just reading this forum helps me tremendously.  Good luck to you too and I am happy for you and your husband.  BTW - attorneys, CEO'S etc are usually Type A personalities (like Cindi said) so I'm sure that your sister in law was probably just trying to help.  Type A's are agressive:  they see a problem, they form a plan, they follow through and they "fix it" - seen it action myself many times.  That is just her way to deal with it.  Everyone of us as humans has our own way to deal with things.  I hope everything works out.  
Love to all, Maryanne

[cindi]

Things are sounding so up-beat for you...I don't want to ever ever burst your bubble but hon,,,please keep in mind that as long as there are good days for your husband and you,,,the bad days are bound to creep in..but keep you chin up..I am only telling you this now because if tomorrow you have a wonderful day and the next day things seem to go to hell at least you can keep in mind that "this to shall pass",,,this is the part of recovery that is sooooo hard...living life on life's terms   it sucks sometimes but it is worth it...but don't look for that bad day....look for the good in every day...if yo have a really horrible day,,,,try to find some humor in it....something positive..one day I had a day where everything went wrong...and I mean everything,,,when all was said and done I sat and though,,this day was like something out of I love Lucy.... I am maily referring to you MIL,,,don't let her or your SIL drag you down,..keep the focus on your family...Gosh I wish you lived closer to me...LOl  but when I move we can hang out first thing, I'm throwing a party for anyone and everyone and all though it will probably only be for me you and Brighty we can invite everyone..we cad do a few meeting together....well, you hang in there,,,,Pray hon,  and I will be praying for you....please don't be upset with me that I talked about you maybe having a bad day  the last thing I want to do is upset you..you are such a sweet person....and I love you to pieces... i had to learn that life is not always peaches and cream....there are peach pits in there.....if yo need me you know where I am    love to all   cin

[jennyfla]

Hey girl,
No, i could never be upset with you, you are only trying to help me... I respect your opinions because i know you have been there and back, and there and back again and again.
I get like that sometimes, feeling optimistic, but really, deep down, i'm bracing myself for the day he returns, it's not going to be a picnic at the beach.
We went to see Robert today, and he looked good, considering what he is going through.  He is off the meds, as of today, and he was really starting to feel sore and achy 1/2 way through our visit, so we had to go.  Having the kids with me didn't help, my 5-year old can be very vocal at times.  I think he is suffering the most out of my three children.  I need to spend some time with him, alone, and try to understand what he is feeling and try to put his worries at ease.  My 8-year old doesn't help matters much, she teases him, and bosses him around, and it is very frusterating for him.  I plan to work with both of them so that we can all live happier together in the same house! (ugh!)
I'm feeling a bit beat-up tonight, everything is getting to me, and i feel like the entire world is laying on my shoulders.  My husband had a list of things he wanted me to bring, and one of them was some tapes.  Well, the only ones i could find were ones that he didn't like (actually, he liked a few).  I told him that i am trying to be careful with money, there isn't much to go around.  I even brought him $30, and that's a lot of money for me right now.  He even asked me to pick up a walkman for a friend there, he was admiring my husbands.  He will pay us for it, but i think my husband plans to keep the cash.  I don't think he realizes exactly how tight things are.  If i bring it up, he tells me not to worry.  Well that's all fine for him, with all his fancy foods, and getting to eat everything and anything he wants.  My frig is starting to echo a bit, and it's not cheap feeding a family of four, not the mention the gas i used in my car to go to visit him.  I'm just a little hurt that he isn't in reality, but i understand that he is focusing on himself right now.  It's the combo of that, plus all the disrespect i've been getting from his mother, including when i try to explain my point of view, she hangs up on me.  Doesn't she realize all that i've done to keep this family going, and that he son would probably be dead by now if it weren't for me.  
After my son making a scene, and seeing robert having the same look in his eyes of frusteration with the kids, although he really tried very hard, and i haven't seen him be that patient with them for quite some time.  I can't help but wonder if he would just be better off alone, or at least without all of us.  I just can't picture him coming home, same old environment, demanding kids, him trying to find work, dealing with the hot, florida weather, and everything being ok.  I almost feel like i should just set him free into the world, and let him make his own choices, and live his life without all the constant crazyness of having a big family.  He used to say that he never really wanted kids, and he never really wanted to get married (to me), that he was happy living together, and i was the one who wanted all these kids.  I don't know why i'm bringing all this up, he hasn't said anything for quite some time, but it hurt, and it's a wound that will never heal.
He just doesn't seem to understand, or realize all that i do or have to do to keep things going.  I make it look so easy, that it's overlooked at how difficult it is working full-time, taking care of a house, and three young children, not to mention the two dogs, a guinea pig (his cage is constantly needing to be cleaned), and a grouchy lovebird.  He wanted some magazines, and i brought some of his old ones, but he made a face when i didn't have anything new.  On the way out, i piled the kids back in the car, stopped at a drug store, grabbed a $5 magazine, when back to the facility, loaded the kids out of the car (with a 1-year old, there's always a stroller involved, and usually the child does not go willingly, not to mention getting her in and out of the car seat, she's 28lbs -- i'm only around 106), so back to give him the magazine.  That's just a small example.  So we're driving home down I-95, and i had promised the kids Wendy's if they were good (my son really wasn't, but i gave in anyway), i had spent all my money on the magazine, plus the 3-stops i made on the way out for little things that he requested, so i had to run into the supermarket to cash a check.  I get out, and it is raining (one of those terencial florida downpours), i run with my son with 2 gallons of milk, bread, and a few other things in hand, get into the car, drive with 3 nosey kids to wendys.  It was raining so hard, i had to put up the umbrella in the drive through, back home, change the wet kids... and go on with my nice peaceful evening (HA!!!!!!)
I guess i'm just feeling unappreciated, and big time sorry for myself (pity party)!
I'm just tired, tired of keeping everything going, and trying of the 'strong' one!  When is it ever going to be time for someone to take care of me!  Of course i would probably hate that, i'm a control freak and would probably run screaming and yelling as fast as i could. LOL!
I'm just blabbering, so don't pay any attention to me, it helps to get this all out, i'll feel better tomorrow.  Oh, and there goes the baby crying, it's about midnight, wonder what she needs.
Talked to my parents today, and my mom offered money to help pay off debts that we might have so that we wouldn't be paying interest on credit cards, etc.
I told her that we are fine, that everything is ok.  My dad, who is 69, is trying to retire this year, and i know they lost a lot of money in the stock market this year, and his profit sharing is down quite a bit, i don't want to take anything from them, they've done so much for us throughout our lives.  They always pay for our airfare, and my dad doesn't make that much money, but they are very good with budgeting!  I would hate to ask them for a penny after all they've done, but it's nice to know that they are out there.
I filed unemployment for by husband on the net, so if that goes through in 3-4 weeks, then we will be ok.  His counseling, whom i spoke to this morning, is thinking that the suggestion will be to have him continue in extended care for an addition 2-months.  If his sister is willing to help, then fine, but there's no way we can afford it.  Our credit is lousy, so we wouldn't even be able to get a loan for it.  My mom said there is no way you are going into debt over that (extended care), that's another story, it's really not her decision.  My mom is very controlling, and is adding a little too much, but i know she is trying to hold back her opinions, i can feel them in the air even if she doesn't talk about them, i know her too well!  But it's only out of love for me and the kids, and they are concerned, i know.
So that's my story for today, and i thank you for listening and for caring enough to tell me like it is, because you are right!
Thanks for being you sweetie!
Love Jenny
P.S.  A party sounds great if i can ever get my life together enough to actually participate in anything fun and for me, for a change.

[jennyfla]

I have a quick question for you, since you are a nurse, maybe you know what this is.
Since last night, i've noticed a numb feeling on my left tight, right on top, and it even feels a little warm.  It's only numb if i put my hand on it, about the length of my hand.  I can feel it isn't as sensitive (the skin) as my other leg.
Very weird.  I can't afford anymore doctors, i have about 12 doctor's bills to pay off right now as is.
Any ideas?  I know it sounds weird!
Lv Jenny

[cindi]

Hey you,,,,you should probably have your thihg checked out by a physician....All though I can't diagnose I can make suggestions :)  you may have had some soft tissue injury   did you fall  bump yourself,,,is there bruising...all though the top of the thigh is not a real common site for like a phelbitis,,)inflammation of a vein) or a thrombosis  (clot formation) the temp of the skin and sensation that differs from other areas of the leg may be reason enough for me to say go to the dr.  anything is possible... other than opiates what meds do you take? if there is numbness etc, I would not attempt heat therapy for fear of burning yourself....ok   sorry I could not have been of more help but it is sooooooooo  hard over the computer.... Now my fee :) be wll my friend      Love ya   cin

[jennyfla]

Thanks girl!  It's still feeling numblike, but not hot anymore.  Feels like it is all located directly on the surface, nothing deepdown, no bruising, no swelling, nothing.  It will probably just go away.  No other meds except for opiates, and even those are at a pretty lowdose.
I have both my daughter at work today, my 1-year old is always with me, and i'm bringing my 8-year old with me for 3-days while my boss is in california.  Saves me $15.00 a day in childcare costs.
I did spend some money at lunchtime, by husband had asked for a few cassette tapes for his walkman.  He wanted The Allman Brothers, and Eric Clapton.  It's money that i don't have, but it is theroputic for him, and i want him to love his music again, he shut that out long ago.  I would love to see him pick up the guitar that i gave him for his birthday back in April.  He hasn't been able to play, and when i gave it to him, he cried and had to leave the room.  He really was happy, but sad.  So i want him to have his music again!
He talks about getting back in Karate, which he used to study back in the 80's, that would be great because there is a lot of self-disapline involved with Karate, and it is spiritual in a way.  It's the closest i will ever get that man to church, i'll say that.  I think i had mentioned the part about him wanting a motorcycle.  That too would be good.
I know what you are probably thinking, what is Jenny going to do for Jenny.  I just want to be able to enjoy my life with my well husband and my beautiful children.  I would like to have a job that is somewhat interesting, and people to work around would be nice too.  It's all a far away dream for now.
Thanks for listening!
Lv Jenny

[cindi]

My dear Jenny,  Your will and determination is so strong,,that dream of yours is not that far out of reach,,it is just at the tip of your fingers...one day with the willingness and desire your husband will be well..remember this disease is not "curable" but it is treatable like diabetes...it takes powerful medicine to keep it down...I have always said that while we are at meetings or doing what whatever it is we do to keep ourselves ok,that monster AKA addiction is patiently waiting for us in the parking lot,,doing push-ups gaining it's strength to strike at us when we are the most vulnerable..during times of stress, pain emotional or physical, complacency etc..that is when the dragon (hi wiz) gets up his strength and strikes...so we have to be stronger than the dragon, we have to never become complacent, and when we are stressed et. we have to work an even stronger program,,,when we finally surrender and admit our powerlessness and let our higher power in our lives is when the fog seems to lift.  Keep in mind that spirituality and religion are 2 seperate things....NA/AA are not religious programs but spritual...now, go take a hot bubble bath,,,use a fragrance that is designed to relieve stress, do your hair and nails.  read a book  do some gardening,,something you enjoy...and kiss your babies....I always kiss my kids before I do something nice for me so I won't feel guilty  LOL     hang in there and I promis  no more lectures     Love ya   cin

[jennyfla]

Sweet Cindi,
You have to be one of the sweetest, warmest people that i know, i really mean it!!!
You always say the right thing, and you have such wonderful knowledge, that i know you gained in the hardest way possible.  I respect your opinions with the highest regard!!!!!!
My husband always refers to addiction in the same way, the line about it waiting in the parking lot doing pushups!!!!  It's a powerful beast, but we have more power than 'it', so i do need to get stronger and stop being a woose!  I know, i know, but that's how i feel right now.  I'd kick my own butt if i could reach it!!!!!  lol!
I admitted to two separate people today, that i am an addict, and that was difficult.
A good friend of mine, from where we used to live, was giving me a pep talk tonight.  Robert contacted him and told him where he was, so he had his dad call him to talk.  His dad is an alcoholic, sober for quite some time, and really had to work at it for a while before he made it work.  It meant to much to Robert to have our friend's dad call him.  I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives, so understanding and so supportive, it really touches my heart.  I don't know what i'd do without all of you, you really are sent straight from heaven.
I'm having horrible anxiety attacks tonight, almost panic.  I'm worried about my children, i feel so terrible that they are left with me, the addict mom, to make sure they are secure during this difficult time.  My 5-year old son said he misses his dad because "he knows everything".  Robert got on the phone with him tonight to talk because i mentioned that he's been having some difficultly lately.  Very frusterated and scared, i know.  I sat down with him and had a talk, and asked him what he was feeling.  He misses his dad terribly, the same dad that he said he didn't want a short while ago.  Robert is trying to mend things that were done wrong.  He is calling everyone and apologizing.  He is working his program, going through the steps and i am so happy for him.  He sounds wonderful, and is completely off of everything now.  No meds from the doctors at all.  Not even antidepressants, which he doesn't need anyway.  His main problem is anxiety, which causes him to drink because he tries to numb because he just feels too much, which is why i love him so, he is a very sensitive, beautiful human being.  The drinking makes him depressed, not a chemical imbalance.  The antidepressants just numbed him further, and made him feel even more dead inside.
I think i am getting alittle closer to being ready to just say "to hell with all the evil drugs, alcohol, etc."
I'm sick of being sick, and i so much want to 'feel' everything again.  I know i'm missing out on so much in life living inside this dead mind.  Well, not completely dead, but i know i have so much more to give to myself and others.
I just can't face my parents, or ever let them know about this, that i cannot do.  It would rip them to shreads!  My mom has her own problems, but it really hasn't ever been 'talked' about openingly.  This is a secret i must keep from them, and it hurts.
I've been thinking a lot tonight, can you tell?
So i have my son who is very frusterated, and then there's my 8-year old daughter.  Her relationship with her dad has always been good.  They are very much alike, and she seems to know how to 'play the game' just like he does.  But one thing that i see is she is being incredibly clingy.  She has always been a touchy feely type, but she is all over me, plus she can't walk past me without touching me in some way.  Unfortuately, i am not a touchy feely type and get very claustrophobic!  It almost hurts to be 'touched' right now, it is so weird.  I don't know if it's the pills, or maybe a sign of withdrawal, but it's awful.  I've never been a huggy type, but this is getting ridiculous.  Now don't get me wrong, i hug and tell my kids i love them every single day, so they are getting affection, it's just too overwhelming for me right now.  I hope this all makes sense, and i apologize for being so wordy!  I'm gonna wear your poor eyes out!!!!!!
Thank you for listening, it helps to get all of this out!
Love Jenny

[jennyfla]

My hub just called, and he met with the doctor.  Good news is he doesn't have cirrosis, yet, but one more drink, and she said he could get it (scare tactic, but i'm sure he is close).
One of the tests for the liver, came out at 1000 and it should read 40.  The dr is confident that the level will go down, and will retest him again next week.  She called it a "Holiday" something or another.  Referring to the levels being common for people who just came back from a holiday and overdid it too much.  I am curious to see how much the level goes down.  He's one lucky guy, considering the length of time he's been drinking, and how much he's put in his body, both drugs and alcohol, over these past 4-years.
I need to get real serious with myself and clean up my act.  It's hard to go to meetings right now, with no money for a babysitter (not much money for food, much less a sitter), and three children to take care of.  All i have are all of you wonderful people to kick me in the ass when i need it, some friends at home, and my family (who don't know about me)!  I need to get real strong know, my husband is counting on it, my kids are counting on it, and my life is depending on it.
Wish me luck!
Lv Jenny

[jennyfla]

So of course, Jenny goes on the internet and starts to look up info on livers to see what a level of 1000 actually means.  I know not good, but how bad?  I called my internal dr and left a message to ask some questions.  He was wonderful back 2-months ago when i had a blood test because i was achy in my ab.  My levels were fine ALT of 12 and AST of 21, range is 0-40 (normal).  My husband told me that one of the levels came back at 1000, i am assuming either ALT or AST, they told him the normal level was 40.  He doesn't have hep, and he doesn't have cirrosus, according to the dr.  They will recheck him in 1 week!
I'm sending him a little care package today with a few things that he requested.  He's getting a bunch of literature on the liver, you can bet that!!!!!!
I remember back in the late 80's he had elevated levels back then, he must have a miracle liver, but i fear the poor tired thing is all worn out.  He just has to stay clean!!!  And i have to get clean!
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

Get yourself to a meeting! I have two little boys, remember? You can take your kids with you, it's  ok! I have to take mine. There are no absolutes in Al-anon so there's no such thing as absolutely not! You need to get yourself up and get ready for when he comes home. You have been through it before. I remember when mine came home after detox,I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Everything had to be perfect, I was so nervous I would say or do something wrong to make him upset. And you know what? Everything I said and did was wrong, he told me this, and he relapsed. He told me it was all my fault he couldn't take the stress. What he couldn't do was be responsible for himself. Be selfish here...do something for yourself! He can take care of himself. Worry about you first and then you kids. If you are not ok, they will not be ok. So you do what you know is right for you! You have my e-mail and my phone number if you need some help.......Love you sweetie....Susan.....(did you find the book?)

[jennyfla]

Thank you for the boot girl, i need it bad!!!!
I'm stuggling here, and i know it, and he knows it!
He cried on the phone and begged me to clean up because he feels he is the one that got me addicted.  He is the one who interduced it into the house, but i am the one who got myself addicted!
Dam this is though, i feel like i'm living in hell!
I'm trying as hard as i can to give my children the emotional support they need right now.  My 8-year old daughter was having bigtime anxiety attacks tonight, i've never seen her like this.  She is afraid of dieing, and she never wants me to die either.  She was shaking she was so upset.  She's laying on the couch right now watching Nickalodeon, she can't sleep.  I think every child has these fears at one point or another during their growing up, i remember feeling this way myself at about her age.  I'm just getting all worn out, and i'm trying so hard to keep everything running smooth around here, and it's taking it's toll on me, i'm pooped!!!!
I've been bringing my two daughters to work with me while my boss is in california.  I always have my 1-year old, but adding the extra child to take care of, and try to work at the same time, is exhausting.  I'm trying to save money on childcare because we are just about out of money.
My husband is still doing fine in rehab, he is making a lot of progress and i am very happy to hear it.  I'm still in 'brace myself mode' for when the day comes that he returns home, i'm scared to death.
He even offered, when he returns, to take full responsibility for the kids, while i lay there in bed and do a cold turkey quit everything.  I will do it, i have to do it!
I'm sure you guys are getting tired of listening to me say 'i'm gonna do it'!!!!  Or maybe i'm just getting tired of it.
I feel like i'm so full of words, but no action, and i'm mad at myself for that!
Once the willy nillies start to set it, it's so much easier to have the magic cure to make them go away.  I'm finding it hard to take care of the kids while withdrawaling, and i can't handle even the slightest thing.  
I keep telling myself taper, taper, taper, but i don't see my usage going down a bit.  It's not going up, but it's not going down.  I'm at about 40-50 mg per day.
If anything, thank you for listening to be babble!
Lv Jenny

[cat eye's]

Hello! My name is cat eye's! I live in Hazard, Ky!
   I want to warn each and everybody, that is addicted to Oxycotin's to please try and get help before it is too late!
    I am a survival, and so is my baby. while I was pregnant with my son who will be two August 7,2001.the doctor gave me twenty of the oxycotin twenty everyweek! And By the Grace Of GOD
he is a perfect little blue eyed baby boy. I kept asking if they would hurt my baby and he said no! he never admitted to me that they were extremely addicted.Here In Hazard We have already lost about 300 people on these thing's! I went through hell getting off of them and joined a Methadone Clinic to help accomplish my addiction. I stayed in the program for a year and let me tell you it help me alot. Please if you have a problem, with the oc's I Beg you to get help, before it is too late! I don't know why I am not dead after I had the baby I went through 18,000 dollars in two months, Trust me it isn't worth it. I know my mom's prayers is the only thing that kept me alive. I begg you now before it is too late please get help. don't wait until it is too late. My heart goes out to you and anyone who suffered from these killers. Your friend Jeannie.

[jennyfla]

Thank you for your warning.  I am stunned that a dr would prescribe oxycontin to a pregnant women, i don't know what to say!!!
Also, 300 people in one town, it must be a large area, that seems extremely high!  There must be a ton of drs who are just giving them to everybody and anyone!!!
Even here in South Florida, Drug capital of the US (i think), the death toll isn't even that high, or maybe it is, and i've just been too busy to see all.  I've heard a lot though!
Seems very odd your situation, that dr should be shot!!!!!!
Glad you made it through ok, and you life is back in your control!
:)
Jenny

[?passive_aggressive!]

....listen i`m not that god with english so i want bug u much,
i`ve strted takin` tramadol year a go?
.....750mg(15 pills)every two days iz my "must take"....
....without them i feel week,i`m shakin` all tha time,when i think of stopin` i feel like cr.p!
My town iz too small,so if i ask for help,i`ll be banished out!!!
.....can anyone,anyone tell me the "less pain" way to get off,
cause i`m not in control of my life any more,and i can`t stop
cold turkey!

I understand that methadon iz heroin get off,so i dont think that name of a medicine change much?

please anyone anything!!!

?P_A!