More questions on the Mental battle of sobriety........

[OxyDout]

Hey guys, wow, this keeps getting harder and harder, I had my last day of methadone yesterday, but it wasn't even that much, the last two days, I only took 5 mg a day which isn't much at all.  I feel fine today (physically) but mentally this gets tougher and tougher.  I had to hook my brother up with a kid last night he sold him 3 80mg pills of oxy!!!!!!! but the good thing was when the thought went through my mind, I just got really anxious in a bad way, I was very nervous, I don't think i could even stomach taking one of them, it would be too hard.  I just know there are going to be times in the near future where I'm gonna tell myself that its ok, just this once and thats going to lead me down the path to nowhere.  I CAN'T DO THAT!! I have been sober for about 2 weeks with 1 setback, and so far I like being sober, things are getting back to normal, I'm always in the gym, I'm spending more time with the girl I love and work is going well.  Please reinform me of how bad it would be to take anything!!

very tempted

GWH

[OxyDout]

I need some help guys, I am going to wakefield tonight to spend the night with my girlfriend and another couple, the problem is, my "dealer" lives about 10 minutes away from her and he is always around, and he has no problem spotting me anything, WHAT A GREAT GUY!!!!(sarcastic) I don't want to see him, I really don't, so please respond if you get a chance, thank you, otherwise, I know I can avoid it, I have faith in myself.  Anyway, hope all is well with everyone.  Take care,  GWH

[Cindy]

We have faith in you too!!!  Maybe if you think of this as just getting through one night, it might be a little easier???

Good luck!  You can kick this!!!

Cindy

[skipper]

GWH:
it isn't rocket science, but it took me a long time to realize,it
is a whole lot easier avoiding trouble than it is to resist it.

everyone have a happy new year!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[GingerLee]

You have got my support as well. Remember though, if you do not want to play do not go to the playground. You can do this! I really want you to do this! You call somebody if you get in a pinch. I know it is hard. I feel your confusion too. Good Luck!

[erotisy]

I said a special prayer for you brother.. I pray for your strentgth.. I'm so proud of you for being clean for 2 weeks.. thats a life time to an addict..I know!!! Just remember we are all here..I've learned sooo much from your story and others. I really hope you..wait..I KNOW you can do this tonight!!!! We all will be here waiting to talk come the morning ok? Good luck..and Happy "clean" New Year..everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jennyfla]

Be strong for yourself.  You really don't want to go back into that world, it's awful here, really!!!
Get support wherever and everywhere you can!
It's gonna be tough now, but it will get easier!
Good luck to you!
Lv Jenny

[OxyDout]

Well, I took a table spoon of codeine syrup yesterday to knock me out so I wouldn't take anything yesterday because I was having a tough time. the syrup knocked me out for a couple of hours so that was good, but I'm worried, I have that urge just to get something, i don't want to do that, hopefully work goes by quick, because if it does I can get to the gym, if I can do that, I will be fine.  Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well, keep strong,

GWH

[erotisy]

Gwh...stay focused...keep busy.. I'm prayin for you today.. I'm really rootin for you. Anything..ANYTHING I can do to help.. please let me know.. you can vent..*****..whatever...you name it I'll try.. Stay close to us.. your doin soooo good, I know you can do it..your at work..THAT TAKES ALOT TO DO..(feeling bad) Ok my friend.. I gotta go...stay strong and think straight!!!!!
here's a big hug.............
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))erotisy!!

[jule1]

GWH - I have been reading your progress and I am really proud of you non addicts have no idea how hard this all is.  Keep up the good work and remember you have another friend in me,  Jules

Ginger - Hi there!!!   Its so good to see you posting again I think of you and wonder how you and your children are.  So how are you guys?  Did you have a good christmas, hannakuh, or whatever you celebrate?  I have always felt that you are a warm, kind person who is very hard on herself.  So please be kind to yourself.  One thing I have observed about all of us is the fact that we are all eager to please others sometimes at the expense of ourselves.  Does that make sense I hope so.  I hope you are having a happy day and a great new year to all of us!!  Jules

[OxyDout]

I hope someone sees this post, I failed myself last night, I didn't take anything but that is because I couldn't get anything.......... I couldn't believe I was going to take something, and now today, I'm thinking that I want to go get something, I can't handle this, anyway, please write back and give me some words of wisdom, I need it!!!!!!

GWH

[skipper]

GWH:
hey whats up with then fuss and fight (with your self) about? if
it was a "trangression" to ever have cravings and desires we would
all be bound for the special version of hell thst's probably gonna'
be reserved for junkys such as i. YOU DIDN'T USE. see thats the big
newsworthy thing here , lets all talk about that. something more
powerful than you interveened and you didn't score. maybe that was
just some extra help from what ever you choose to call it.

also see: i'm goinf to love and care about you and there isn't one
damm thing anyone of you can do about it!

[ep1]

My doctor (he doesn't know I take oxy!) gave me some 5 mg Buspirone for anxiety....does anyone know anything about these,I don't  and I'm leery of taking them without some info,so please tell me if these are worth taking or not.To GWH,I to have back slid a bit over holidays....I  took half a 40 over my 2 a day limit,but I am back on vitamin supplements and I am trying to put at least 6 hours between my 2 40's a day.Next week I'm gonna try for 1 and a half then down to 1 by next weekend.

[erotisy]

GWH... I can honestly say, I've been visiting here for a week or so, and in that time I detoxed and then gave up and found myself back where I didnt want to be.. I was SOOO SCARED to come back on here.. I was even gonna lie to everyone and say im still doin good..I couldnt because these people really hoped and prayed for me..I let myself down more than I would let them down....so I told them...and I couldnt beleive what they said!!! "good job, you tryed, and we will be here again, again..and again to help." WOOOW......I love...really love these people, how is that possible? I dont know these people,but I do..they have treated me better than my own friends and family would have.. And I'm DAMN proud to stay I'm in company with these..you people.. And if there is any way I can return the favor...I WILL!!!!!!!
so be strong, and remember we..I am here, but I know you can do this..look how far you have come already..we all know how really hard this is.. stay close to us.and come back if you need anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))erotisy

[Telby]

My man!  You are my pride and joy buddie so don't get weak in the knees.  No matter what happens you have two weeks away from oxycontin and man that is a miracle to me.  If you fall down remember you ain't where you were and it is a matter of getting back up - dusting yourself off- and keep fighting the fight.  I know you know that I am here for you no matter what and that in my book you are The Man!!!  love always, Telby    P.S. What ever happens don't stop posting, I would worry myself sick if I didn't know how you were.  You are not alone and thankfully there is no report card for any of us.  love, Telby

[OxyDout]

Ok, last night was awful, My friend Jill had broken her pinky, I had gone over to her place last night to see how she was, come to find out she had a bunch of perks, she said she thought of me and wanted to know if I wanted them (she has no idea how much of a problem I have, otherwise she would never have asked) Anyway, there were about 12 of them, and i SAID NO!!!!!!!!! can you believe it, but then I got really anxious so I called my dealer and went and bought an oc 80!!! and I was planning on taking half last night and half this morning, then I felt guilty so I ended up taking half and giving it to my brother, then when I went to take the other half (40mg) I ended up spliting that in half and took 20mg just to keep my anxiety down, then I was going to take the other 20mg this morning and instead I THREW IT OUT!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i really do want to quit, and I really am gonna do it you guys, can you believe that, me, a serious addict, i was offered a bunch of perks and I had 80mg in my pocket last night, I spent $80 bucks and I only took 20mg which didn't even really do anything. This has been really uplifting, so please write back and tell me that it was the right thing to do and that I really can kick this habbit.  Thanks guys, i really need the support right now.  I hope all is well.  Love all of you.

GWH

[skipper]

GWH:
i've been doing this "addict thing since the age of 13. i'm soon
to be 51. you do the math-it's just to depressing stacking portions
of your life up on a hype needle or bottles of purdues top seller
and then have to account (at least to yourself) for every trans-
gression.

tell me, when does an addict go from point A, to point B in a
straight and lnear manner?
what are ya gonna do? give in for while longer?

GWH, sooner or later you will really get clean weather you want to
or not. Do it with a handfull of benzo's, lots of l-tyrosine and
water. LOTS of exercise...
                         or
on the floor of a county jail, much to the amusement of the other
prisioners and guards...

Just keep doing the best you can and keep coming to this forum.
and keep an angel on your shoulder!!
kip

[OxyDout]

I wasn't quite sure how to take that post, however, I took it in a positive reinforcing manner, just because you have been that type of person, but I was just a little shaky on the interpretation, its hard to read how things are meant sometimes.  Anyway, I definitely appreciate your constant feedback and always being there, you really do help all of us.  As far as the question you asked, no I don't plan on dragging this out longer at all, I guess only time will tell.  Thanks again.  

GWH

[skipper]

GWH:
sorry if i insulted you! i certainly wasn't thinking of that when
iwrote last post.
my point was "Sooner or later were all gonna come down off drugs
(one way or the other) my question was: how/where/when at home
with some benzo's, l-tyrosene, and the safety of your own home, or
on the floor of the county jail? see i've done both and you won't
find it hard to believe i'ld rather do it at home!
So i guess sooner or later we all come down off the substance of
our choice weather we chose to or not...
GWH, please do it at home and not the county jail!
need all ya'
keep an angel on your shoulders
kip

[OxyDout]

I pretty much figured that is what you meant, and trust me, I GREATLY appreciate all that you have done for me, and trust me, all though you may not think you have done much, you have been a great friend in my times of need.  Although I took that 20mg last night, I don't feel "tired" today, I'm actually very upbeat and into my work, I think its because I know I made the right decision.  And I have been spending my life in the gym, I'm getting on the right track, and I'm starting to realize that this is a process like you had mentioned.  I"m very much determined to get where I want to be and with your help I will get there.  Thanks again,

GWH

[Unwise]

I wanted to post my own question today but the quota had been already met so I wound up at this thread after reading numerous others--and I think it's the right place.  I'll try to keep this simple: Three years ago I was placed in rehab/detox for addiction Vicodin and a lot of other pills (mostly soma and valium)that I used as "chasers."  The treatment didn't work, but when I tried to quit again by myself some months later, I suffered some gran mal seizures and that did the trick.  I was clean and happy for three years when I started again four months ago.  I will not go into details, except to say that I had no desire for it and did not seek it out, and that it was given to me by someone VERY close who is well aware of my problem.  In other words, someone who should have known better and who I cannot confide in now.  At first I said "No," but later I relented, took that first pill, and soon found myself right back in the same dark hole I was three years ago. I feel utterly worthless and ashamed of myself. I feel alone, that I cannot talk to anyone about my problem, which is why I am here.  Worse, I cannot and will not go through detox or see a shrink again because 1) it didn't work the first time, and 2) it made my sober life miserable in that the medical records came back to haunt me, i.e., I cannot get life insurance because of my rehab stint and the shrink's records which include mention of suicidal thoughts (as if any junky has never thought of taking that route out their living hell).  I have a young daughter who means everything to me, two jobs, a brand new house, and a yoke around my neck to try to stay out of debt even though I work my ass off and make a lot of money.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I regret taking that first pill again and how badly I want to go back to that moment in time and simply hand the damn pill back (something I had actually done before).  But no one has a magic wand or a time machine and I must deal with the problem at hand.  I want to quit.  And I know well the mantra of the doctor-moderated forums--see a professional.  I won't do that.  It did me absolutely no good before and actually made my life worse in that those medical records came back to haunt me.  So rehab or seeing a shrink are out of the question for me as I refuse to be penalized even further for trying to help myself in a professional manner.  If I did it on my own before, I can do it again, but I would prefer to do it this time without the seizures that almost killed me.  I keep reading about "The Recipe" and I know that Skipper mentioned having a handful of benzo's can be helpful...so what I want to know is what is the best way to taper off and mitigate the withdrawal as much as possible?  I don't expect a free ride or that it will be painless or easy, but I know that I can and will go back to being the person I was for the past three years, a person who was grateful to wake up every morning and not have to count my pills or wonder where I was going to score from next.  That is what I miss the most and I want it back so badly.  There is no other choice for me, because continuing to take the Vicodin can only lead to my life getting worse. Please, those of you who have been there and succeeded, please help me with your advice on how to quit this Vicodin habit on my own without killing myself in the process.  I desperately need your experience, your wisdom, and your support. Thank you.

[OxyDout]

looks like we should all have your name.  OH do I know what your feeling.. I have been clean for about 18 days or so and I have had two set backs but luckily they weren't big, the first was after about 5 days I had a 40mg oxy but I completely regreted, then LAST NIGHT I bought an 80mg but only took 20mg and got rid of the rest because I feared what you are feeling, I'm still nervous that I will feel some wd because of it, but even if I do, I don't think it would be that bad so i'm glad I had the brain to realize I couldn't take all 80mg.  In anycase, I know what you feel as well as everyone else and I although i didn't really use the recipe I heard it works very well.  I used methadone, HOWEVER THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE ITS ALSO ADDICTIVE.  I was able to use a MINIMAL amount to get through the first 3 days and then end it.  For myself just feeling the fear that you and I both have was enough to scare me into a path towards sobriety.  Now going to the gym and spending time with friends and family have kept me going.  The other night I was with my girlfriend and for the first time, i wasn't worried about finding my next pill or the restless leg, it was like being in heaven......when I bought that pill last night I thought about that night with her and got horrified that I might not be able to do that if I took that pill because as we all know one pill starts the cycle.  In anycase, there really isn't an "answer" just to keep strong mentaly, try the recipe, never forget the fear you have, and always remember your loved ones (that includes yourself) good luck, I'm always here. Keep it up and stay in touch.

GWH

[skipper]

unwise:
welcome to the forum.there will always be room for one more junky
in here! i used heroin, morphine, etc for the beter part of 20
years. then i got clean for 17 years. then cervical spine trouble
hooked me up with intractable pain & oxycontin.

keep coming back as you will find a wealth of knowlidge and hope among regulars of this forum.there are many here fighting exactly
the same batttle as you are.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[ep1]

I still havent taken the 5 mg Buspirone that the Doc gave me for  anxiety.....does anyone have any experience with them? Also your post about getting the 80 and not taking it all was very inspiring actually.I've had several days (over holidays) where I took an extra half a 40 over my 2 40 a day limit.I am really trying to space out the time between doses now IE: take 1 40 at 9 am and wait at least 6 hours until the 2nd and hopefully last one of the day.The L-tyro,5 htp & B6 do definetly help.Unfortunatly I actually think I could cut to 1 or 1 and a half right now,but I seem to take the second pill because i feel like I should as opposed to physically needing to.......does that make sense to you? Also my guess is that once your down to 1.5 or even 2 40's a day,your really at a point where even if you just plain had to stop altogether it probobly wouldn't be that hard,I mean even the physical part wouldn't be to bad (am I right?) I think now I am at a point where I am mentally trying to prepare myself for exactly that.....a point soon ( a week or so) where I'll just be down to one a day and then just plain NONE. Please I need opinions on this (from everyone) to see if I am right or I'm fooling myself! I really hope I'm on the right road because I do not get all the stomach cramps and overwhelming anxiety that I did when I took  more than 2 a day......the anxiety is now down to just a feeling of uneasyness as  opposed to not being able to even concentrate.

[OxyDout]

ok, well here are the hard facts, being down to 2 40's a day will still be a hard withdrawal when going down to zero, it will be tough, I'm telling you this so that when it gets tough its not unexpected and you continue to try and fight it.  The whole thing about feeling like you should take it.  THATS VERY FAMILIAR, its the ADDICTION!!!! you tell yourself you don't need it but you take it anyway, its your body/mind telling you you need to.  Don't forget that knowing you have the drugs to take if your in pain cures withdrawal, its when you don't have anymore when things set in............ its a long turbulant road to recovery.  I'm being honest and telling the facts so you know what is ahead.  but don't kid yourself its VERY DOABLE, you have to want it!!! and one other thing, everyone stumbles along the way, the trick is try and "trip" rather then stumble and fall off a cliff.  Keep up the good work, I have faith in you.

GWH

[Unwise]

First of all, thanks for the welcome.  It's nice to have a place to come to where there are others who empathize and help.  I agree with ep that the withdrawal even off of two a day will be tough.  There was a time in my life when I was down to one Lortab a day and even though I was miserable just taking 1, I thought it couldn't be much worse taking zero.  So when I stopped, I was surprised by how hard it hit me.  Sweats, aches, runs...and of course, the desire to go back and take just one so I wouldn't feel that way, a feeling which I eventually gave into and that naturally led to taking more and more all over again.  So the key, I think, is being prepared for the worst and perhaps it won't be as bad as you think, but it will definitely be hellish. Most importantly, and this is my own personal belief, I think it has to come from within and is almost a spiritual kind of awakening (and this is coming from an atheist).  But my own personal experience in which I was able to stay clean for three years only began when something great rolled over inside of me--that's the only way I can describe it--and I simply did not WANT anymore.  There was no fight, no daily battle to stay clean, no desire to try it again--it just ended like that, in an instant, albeit an instant that followed two gran mal seizures and a mild heart attack from withdrawal, at the ripe age of 37. Hopefully it doesn't take that kind of extreme measure with the rest of you, but usually something physical like that has to happen to me for me to really want to stop from deep within my soul.  It is as if the physical part of me is not stopping, but the spiritual and more pure part of me is closing down the desire machine, if that makes any sense at all. With cigarettes it was a certain hangover from hell that suddenly made me not want cigarettes anymore.  With coke it was a agonizing post-binge depression and hallucinations that took away the craving.  And with pot, which I had smoked 24/7 for 20 years, it was simply the act of turning 35 and suddenly not desiring it anymore.  I have no explanation for that one since I lived for smoking pot, but without reason, one day the desire left me.  Unfortunately, I stepped up my love affair with pills and eventually tried to quit on my own after detox, rehab, and years of shrinks and their medications did nothing.  Even the humiliation of having my one year old daughter coming to see her pathetic father in rehab and the fact that I could not remember her first year on this earth did not do the trick.  A few months later I went cold turkey and that was when the seizures occured and I awoke in coronary ICU unable to remember my own name, how old I was, or what city I was in.  Nothing in this world has ever frightened me as much as that experience, for we are nothing more than our memories, and when you have lost yours, you have lost your identity, and in a sense, your life.  Now I am back on Vicodin again and wanting to get off without going through that hell again.  But I know the weakness of getting a scrip and promising to taper it off and then go through withdrawal no matter how much it hurts...then gobbling the damn stuff like tic-tacs.  I am scared because of this dependence and yet I am weak in the face of all I have been through and what I know to be the truth.  I cannot afford to lose my jobs, and yet if I quit, there will be sickness and time off and I don't know how long I will be MIA and if my jobs will be there when I return.  I've already been through this mill once with my employers and I doubt they will tolerate it again.  This post is already too long so I will not go into the rest of the sad familiar saga except to say once again that I am in a bind and need help.  Your help.  I have a small amount of Clonipin that I have been hoarding for a while that I will attempt to use once the Vicodin has run out.  I would like to hear anyone's suggestions as to how to do this as well as what "The Recipe" is all about, because I need something to make me appear human as I go through withdrawal.  Thanks for reading this and for your help.  I wish the best of luck to all of you in your endeavors to get clean and stay that way.  I agree with all of you that it CAN be done.  All it takes is will, strength, and the absolute inner desire to make it so (along with whatever chemicals you can get your hands on to make the crash landing a little less painful).  Peace.

[skipper]

unwise:
i'm glad to see you still posting. all that stuff about hospitals,emergency rooms, suicide..... i've been there. i think the most hateful thought of my life was expierenced while meeting one of 3 crash team md's that pulled me out of a serious heroin overdose. the crash team had been working on me all night...what do you think
i had to say? YOU SONS OF *******, I ALMOST HAD THE JOB DONE! i
hated my own life so much that a quick easy exit looked real good.

now today... drugs or not i want to live...i know i'm here for some reasion. my life is far from perfect, but at least it is far more simple than it was in the "good old days."

i used to wake bewildered by my actions and the rest of the worl
i was a very small person in a world getting ever smaller.
today i awake bewondered...still a small person getting ever smaller, as the world expandsds with possibilitys!

Unwise, please put your thumb on the plug and an angel on your
shoulder. i believe you have paid your dues for a lifetime mem-
bership in this club of addiction/recovery!
kip

[OxyDout]

hey guys, quick question, (kip you have been great with answering questions......)  I have been doing well staying clean.  Now I'm trying to really focus on work.  While I was in college I was prescribed ridlin or however you spell that, in anycase, I took a 10mg pill I think.... to help me focus throughout the day at work.  What I didn't like is that it made me feel good, not in the way a narcotic does but a little more upbeat, and I know the make up of it and I understand what it is used for, my question is, is this a physically addictive drug, because if it is I don't want to be taking it, you know?? if you could get back to me, that would be great, thanks.  

GWH

[skipper]

GWH:
i believe you speak of ritilan, a cns stimulent simalar to amphet-
amines (speed). this group of drugs is very much abused. Although
it doesn't fit the accepted model of addiction,(demonstratable ab-
stenence syndrome) it is a very psychological habit forming drug.
also the natural antidote for too much of this drug (at least for
a junky) would be an opiate. for my money i would avoid any further
consumption. (i have some real scary storys from my speed days,
perhaps you would like to hear them?)
keep an angel on your shoulder.
kip

[OxyDout]

I would love to hear the stories they may help.  I haven't been taking anything the last couple of days, and I'm starting to feel somewhat normal, my leg was restless all night but I was able to sleep through most of it.  The ridalin obviously helps get me up, however, it was definitely NOT a fix for the oc's, i guess nothing really is except for more oc's.........figures.  I'm doing well, I'm feeling great and to be honest, the reason for me staying sober are both my girlfriend and my parents.  I love the fact that I can (sometimes) sit down with them without worrying about my leg or without thinking of getting a pill.  This is definitely a process but I'm getting there.  Thanks again,

GWH

[skipper]

GWH:
don't have much time for war (speed) storys right now. maybe lat-
er. I can tell you that the entire family of amphetamines and
associated is the foulest group of chemcials anyone has ever
had the misfortune of using. trust me i literally can smell a
speed freak before i noticed their pupils are dialated!
keep an angel on your shoulder!!
kip

[OxyDout]

sounds very interesting, I will be checking back sometime today, talk to you soon.  

GWH

[AnnieS]

My first addiction before opiates was speed. I still can feel the rush and energy I had. What Skipper said about the opiates being the antidote for too much is right on the money. I started using downers(you name it I probably did it) so I could some down and sleep 10 minutes. Anyway the progression goes on until one day you find yourself nothing but a junkie. The only work you can do is find out how to get your next fix. I relapsed after 7 years of sobriety. That took detox hospital visits and a 3 month stay in rehab. Relapse is the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I try and find anything that is not a prescribed med to hepl me. If you need energy try taking something from the health food store. Energy C comes in a packet the you put in water. It taste good and gives you a lift. The vitimin therapy also helps. oxy's are one of the hardest withdrawal I've had with the exception of Methidone. I think you should try any alternative from meds if possible. Unlike some of the more unfortunate I have no real psycial pain to use as an excuse. I'm just an addict and alcholic. I feel for those who suffer with cronic pain and find themselves in this bad existance. Some time I feel embarresed to even be on here because I have no excuse but I find the support so helpful. I may not be worthy but I pray for each and every person on this site , asking for their pain to  be lifted. Keep up the good work. Annie

[OxyDout]

thanks for the inspiration, I only took ridalin a couple of times, don't find it to be beneficial because like I said it definitely doesn't get rid of ANY withdrawal symptoms....... either way, my withdrawal the last couple of days hasn't been bad at all because I was sober for about 2 weeks, then only took 20mg of oxycontin at two different times, so I really have done well so far and I plan on keeping strong so hopefully it works.  Good luck to you!! if you need to talk, i'm here.

GWH

[VicoDee]

fail,fail failed again...good to see others out there like me.
Its this damn depression that keeps sucking me back in like a hound of hell.Of course I have plenty of vikes to last a lifetime.Wouldnt flush 'em because they are my lifeline to getting out of bed everyday and this has been my story for about 4 years.Did the antidpressant gig and it worked but then quit on me..so I found the heavenly answer which is now my HELL.
Anything help you guys when coming off vicodin that cuts this fricken debilitating DEPRESSION?
Its my only setback..I can do the aches the chills the diarreah blah blah blah a million times over and have..just finished a half assed detox at home and yet again I am FAILING...as the only thing that beats this depression is Norco 2-3 x's a day.And I know it will eventually kill my liver.Its a **** way of life.NA tried it..dont get it.Counselor..tried it..costs money does nuttin but make me focus on miserable stuff in my life that I hate and cant change.
Husband..loser..just wants me to score for him..so said screw ya...find your own dealer man.And then maybe he can turn out like me..screwed in the brain with post acute withdrawl depression.His prob not mine babe.
So what do I do from here>
I am trying hypnotherapy next week...wed at 2pm..Hope it does something for me...my dopamine receptors are just BURNT.and I burned them DOWN.Just dont know what to do to beat this depression that knocks me on my a** everytime.How looooooong does it take for your brain to recover or does it ever?
Is opiate dependance a LIFE SENTENCE?
Thanks man...and whatever you can offer I will take advise on kicking it for good?
Dee*

[hjp]

tell us what your daily (honest) minimum dose of norcos,vicodins, and what ever else you might pop during the day. Also if your life is a living hell its probably not the drugs..you just need them to get thru the hell.  Change your life.....get a plan goin.        Lets hear it,     hjp

[VicoDee]

yes a lot of my pain in my life right now and I picked a bad time to try to kick it for good.
I am suffering from some grief as I have someone in the hopsital that is dying.The only thing that stops the tears are these damn pills.
I am a prime candidate for relapse;
#1/greif
#2/married to an addict who thinks he has his addiction under control yet he thinks I dont..what an irony there.And sadly he does manage it better than I do.THAT SUCKS.I just keep reminding him when I step out of the death bed of withdrawl that he can soon be like me with ****** up receptors.Keep working at it buddy!
#3/overcoming my own addiction during grief and living iwth someone who thinks they have it all under control with their own drug use..
#4/and just feeling pretty shitty about not being strong enough to deal with life's worst enemy without drugs to ease my grieving soul ..death of someone you love so dearly who has been struggling for her life since November,and the cruelty of life support measures and bills a hopsital will stack up on a family is astounding= my relapse.
The grief is just kicking my ass plain and simple.
With pills I usually dont take 15-20 like many do as I know tylenol is so awful..my downfall and my peak of addiction was tussionex.That **** took me way down at 300 mgs a day when i had someone who was supplying it freely for a year.He finally got busted thank God,,as I would have overdosed by now on that stuff.I had no willpower or control on its effects.At 10 mgs per tsp it was BIG trouble for me...so I dont seek that out as I know here it takes me..to hell and back,,
So seriously at 2-3 tabs of Norco I can get through a day,but when I try to kick it entirely my depression is just surreal right now and I can work,sleep eat,think drive...nothing but cry...so I digress..retoxed yet again.
I dont know how I will get out of this vicious cycle,but as they say in NA..if you at least have the desire to stop?
the best book I am reading right now is "Quitting drugs for good"
it is inspirational and I know it will serve me at a better time.
I know I just cant give up my desire to break free of the addiction.I do feel defeat creeping up on me again though with this pain of life and its brutality aspects in death and dying.
Right now I just want to be able to get through a day.
And its pretty shitty even with drugs..but without them..its intolerable and un~liveable at the moment.
I feel kindof stuck in my grief until my loved one does finally pass...as the brutality of seeing her on life support is killing me. I just hate it.more than anything,and I have no control over it.All I can control is making my pain stop enough to deal with the daily brutality of it.
gotta go to work now and pretend all is A-ok..put on a happy face,and pretend to be a part of society..wish me luck?
Dee*

[hjp]

more people than you can imagine are wishing you luck and pulling for you.        chin up girl, one foot in front of the other.......march out of the mess.     Good luck,   hjp

[VicoDee]

Thanks man and it did take 5Norco to get through the workday,,**** man I am losing this war bigtime...hypnotherapy appt IS today..the guy works with a lot of heroin addicts even though that is not my exact drug but vicodin does the recptors all the same...we'll see what happens and for the price it better do somthin'
thanks for the encouragemnt out there I do need it...
dee*

[hjp]

Hey girl you're not losing, you're staying even... , continue to battle and don't give up.  I hope the hypnotist helps, but I think its going to take biting the bullet and checking in to a detox center.....let um take care of you for a few days....good luck.

[VicoDee]

Yeah the hypnotist was a joke..he has REALLY gone to a bad new level.The last time I saw him two years ago for smoking he was one on one with the client ...this time he hooked me up to a TAPE and left me because he was so overbooked..the tape was just relaxation.NOt for drugs or smoking ..nuttin'
So that was $350.00 for NOTHING..I did get some relaxation tapes so maybe I can kick the benzos at night.It DOES make you sleeeeepy.
But that was just total bullshit.ANd then right after I left i got pulled over by a cop for a stupid ass traffic thing( not speeding) something stupid like no blinker on a right turn only lane/what a **** day and a ...LOSER cop!
So I called my attorney/charged 55 bucks on my credit card and got deferred judification.So yesterday cost me 400...and no **** to show for it.So I dont think I will be spending any more money on HELp for a while.The help is No help and cost too much MONEY!..NA is free Ill stick with that and until my loved one dies in ICU I am stuck and cannot grieve and get on with this thing called life.
I will do as this one excellent writer advised once...(C.S.Lewis)"sometimes when you dont feel particularly nice? Just start acting nice and eventually you FEEL nice?" So I will do the things I used to have passion for before drugs and maybe it will just fuse its way out and fill the black hole with things I DONT FEEL passion for anymore that drugs steal away...and maybe eventually I will feel passionate about them in the end and drugs will not find room anymore...an untested personal theory,but will try it even though I am like the walking dead at the moment.
Thanks for your reply..but detox center..I really am a freak about my privacy so no claims on insurance for this chic and its too expensive otherwise? Then you cant get insured when your ins. co.goes sky high and you need to switch co.s,if you have ADDICT and REHAB on your record you will get scoffed to the end.And you HAVE to have med coverage...geeeeeez..I do wish the US had anonymous rehabs for addicts,does nayone know of ONE?.. I WOULD do rehab and I know it would be a BIG assist ... but no way!!!..Then the feds?they have to own your ass and your privacy is screwed and then thats NO GOOD.
Its crazy to me that when you are ready to quit drugs you have to sell your soul to the system to get out.I guess I will just use until I find another way or like they say,or go to jail ,die or be institutionalized..sobriety is just too painful at this time...without drugs all I do is cry and Im a loser with no energy all day.Can not get one damn thing done...with drugs Im not happy but I can pull a day off half assed and make some money so maybe at a later time..just need money in the bank man.That is my survival at the moment and it does require drugs for the moment unfortunately/
Thanks for your replies...they are appreciated?
Dee*

[GOD]

Geez, Dee--

I know what you are going through! Beleive me. I'm trying to wean myself from ultram, and I only have 9 pills left. They are supposed to be taken 2x a day, but I was taking 15 per day... now I'm down to just 3 a day, but all it does for me at that low dose is keep me from TOTALLY losing my head. I've got more on order from hong kong (or somewhere) but, they probably wont be here until days after I need them! I don't know what i'll do as I got a prescription for 90 of them a little over 1 week ago... can't get a Legit refill for 3 weeks! This whole addiction thing REALLY sucks. I was in the hospital about 1 year ago, and I STILL have dreams about the nurses coming in to give me that Demerol shot every 3 hours... WHAT A FEELING! I can really understand how somebody could get hooked on Heroin so easily..

[VicoDee]

Yeah its called chlortrimetron...there is a 4 hr/a 6 hr/8 hr and 12 hr...time released...it helps you stay running on a hell day..but still waithdrawl just knocks you down HARD.
I wanted to add something to this thread and a few other threads.Just when I thought I would be stuck on hydrocodone for life? My post deppresion is what held me back the most,and I do have some depressing stuff going on,but I asked myself? So other people deal with this and they dont lay down and die over it even though you want to when you have someone dying on ya).So I go to my psyche two weeks ago( psyches only prescribe drugs and work with brain chems) They dont do talk therapy about what a shitty childhood you had which if you are a drug usuer it is likely there is something to that,but when you use drugs you alter your brain chems drastically and deplete your feel good hormones.So I've been on serzone (SSRI)for 2 weeks and I feel like I can finally kick this monster of hydrocodone without all the mental drama I was experiencing post and during withdrawls.So yesterday I hear my sisters first boyfriend dies of unknown causes? They think the hospital screwed up.The truth of it is this: He was a body builder and all looked A-ok from the exterior.Lo and behold..the guy and his wife are strung on Oxycontin...Ah good ole OXY...better than hydro but the wife has a felony conviction for faking scripts,and I think they both turned to internet docs for hydro for the last two years.So he finally wants off drugs and wants to get clean,wants to fix some old broken body parts/goes to outpatient to get his bursitus in his shoulder tweaked,and his wife who is still current addict and using tells docs NO PAIN MEDS,he is a recovering addict,so of course he wakes up in severe pain after procedure because after you abuse opiates your pain receptors are NOW set on HIGH...like anything as little as stubbing your toe is a BIG ouchee! Pain tolerance is low guys.So when he wakes up in pain this dingy bzatch gives him 5 or so valium to sleep..He OD's they run him to the ER while he is passed out pumping his stomach the whole way there..since the wifey is stoned outta her mind on Oxy still and has felony she wont say **** to paramedics as to what he is taking,much less that SHE gave it to him ya know,so they dont know what he took ...turns out they pump him and give him gastric lavage treatments to clean him out..you know? like enemas and that sort of thing so he can survive the OD situation....well when you abuse opiates long enough many times you have an intestinal block because they constipate ya,the colon shuts down after time and many times can and will become an ER situation...so he had a hidden intestinal block and all of this rapid cleansing literally dumped so many toxins in his body he died,in spite of them trying to remove his colon surgically once they discovered that was the problem...he was 32.And he is dead.
32 man....no one is invincible to the hidden dangers of these drugs we take so freely.
I think that is what is finally hitting me...that you can and will die if you use hydro long enough...will you OD? not usually because we spend our days and BEST efforts titrating our buzzes so perfectly and have opiate tolerances like horses..so doubtful you'll OD/unless you use street Heroin and then **** you never know what dose is in the next bag so good luck every shoot its a maybe this time baby?...but the old intestine thing...forgot about that problem.
My mother tells me there is a woman who has been in intractable pain and has been for years.Medical Morphine addict...long before Morphine she did Oxy and hyrdro/had verifiable scripts for it...her colon shut down @ 50 yrs old..she is now an older woman of her years in a Nursing home and has had a colostomy bag for 15 years to deal with because of drug damage to her intestines.
This is something that does make me feel not so invincible anymore.I walk by my stash and I dont want to take another pill as long I live...my bones hurt my life is shot my house is a wreck..my career and marriage will soon be shot if I keep using..it is true..death institutions or jail...thats the end of the road unless you get sober...
Im just even hoping that I can fix all the damage that has been done in my 5 years of using.My body is tired my life is tired and my soul is tired...it is no longer a one way ticket...its gonna be one day at a time man...I'm kicking this **** once and for all.OVER IT!
I think I realize now how selfish it is to take drugs..everyday a part of you dies and your family loses you to drugs....its a slow suicide and not cool to the ones left to bury you over it.
everytime I look at that dope Im gonna think about that kid...and what happens when you use...where it leads,,,its nowheresville...just leads no where but down.
Get help get off and get clean...not worth it..its just not worth it...Life on a colostomy bag...not fun..not worth the high ever.Its my first day ,not using dope first thing outta bed and hitting the floor with a stone cold buzz on hydro to make it through another walking dead day..and I feel a new awakening to what I am really doing by using...killing myself.It will kill you.but we all feel so invincible by drugs as they take away every ache pain etc etc... When you dump it?... your body will tell you what is wrong...it hurts and it hurts for a reason ...the body hates drug abuse?
It is dying you just dont feel it on drugs and the denial is HUGE.
Addicted part just takes you down and you are along for the ride like the walking dead on drugs..what a bizzarre phenomena...dying and cant even tell?
Poppies are evil ****.
dee*



  

[hjp]

Amen Vicodee, amen.  Love and kisses, hjp