My Story. My Drugs. My Wife

[alabamacabana]

So I have been an addict in one form or another since I was about 13. Thats 16 years of my life. For those who cant figure it out, that makes me 29. I switched addictions from opiate pills, to suboxone and xanax when I was 22. However, I just got worse, I was taking 32mg of sub a day and started taking enough xanax to be slurring my speech on a daily basis. At the age of 24 I was pulled over and recieved a DUI for driving while on xanax, and yes I was intoxicated, it was the right thing for the officer to do. Spending the night in jail and letting a lot of people down made me realize I needed help. Lots of it. I checked myself into a 15 day treatment center. I got out and did really well for about 5 1/2 months. I know it was 5 1/2 months because that was when my last prescription refill for sub would expire. I was going to meetings daily at the time, but that didnt deter me. I went and picked up five subs thinking the whole, "one more time" rational. Well, my one more time has led me to here, three years later. I continued taking suboxone regularly up to 32mg a day. Also, I was dabbling in the xanax again, not to the extent of before but I was well on my way. So, I checked myself into a nicer treatment facility that was suppose to be better for 14 days. I am now 39 days off suboxone and xanax. I havent taken any opiates in that time and had been doing really well. But, at day 32 I went and had some dental work done, I told the dentist about my opiate problem and told him that I couldnt be prescribed these. Well, he didnt give me opiates, he gave me ultram. And instead informing him of their abuse potential, I took them and told myself I wouldnt take them. Ultram was my original drug of choice at age 13, so what I told myself didnt matter. There were powers greater then me in play once I put those in my reach. Thankfully the dentist only gave me twelve of them. I slipped in my recovery, I know that. I can deal with a slip. It was now seven days ago and I feel I am back where I need to be. This leads me to my question, I got married last July. My wife does not feel the same about my slip up as I do. She really thought about leaving me. She knew about my problems before we were married and has tried to be supportive. And she has been supportive for the most part, its just hard for her to understand what goes on with me. She has tried to educate herself by going to narcanon meetings and researching "how to live with an addict" online. So she and I see this differently and I dont know what to tell her. She thinks telling me she will leave will somehow snap me back to reality, making me never want to use again. She is a fixer and wants to control my addiction. If I cant control it how can she think she can. I am looking for some ways to convey to her ways she could help that wont give her the responsibility of fixing me. I dont know if that makes sense. I guess what she is doing isnt helping either of us, her threatening me to leave makes me get defensive and doesnt help me. I get defensive and cocky with her in turn which hurts her. Just a lot of hurt and pain going around right now and I am looking for any advise either on how to communicate better with my wife about what I as an addict need or any advise on if I need to be doing something different. If I havent looked at it the right way or something. Thanks

[Enthalpy1]

I know exactly what you are going through. I went into recovery 4 years ago after my wife told me she wanted a divorce after 21 years of marriage. I quit drinking then and haven't drank since. We have struggled since then. We have been separated then tried it again and now we are separated again. We have seen therapists but not an addiction therapist. She does not believe that addiction is a disease. I went 3 years knowing that if I relapsed she would leave me. That is not healthy for either of us. I now know that my recovery is my responsibility and she can't control me. I am 30 days clean from norco and she has no idea how it was controlling my life. I'm in pain but finding alternative medication for my issues.  My thoughts are if you want to save your marriage, therapy with someone who specializes in addiction. I love my wife and we are still friends but addiction and recovery have been the elephant in the room and 4 years later it has done it damage. Don't think it will just work out or give her that control. Your recovery is your responsibility. If she left, would you relapse? Before, my answer would have been maybe. Today it's if I relapse it is because of me and nothing else. Good luck to you. If you want to talk privately, send me a note.

[allformykid]

hey alabama... how are things in the hours since youve posted? have you spoken to your wife about an addiction therapist?

how is your sobriety going?

[vicki595]

Hi there-  I tend to side with you...LOL  Seriously, for someone who has educated herself about addiction, she hasn't learned anything.

Ultimatums never work. Fighting never works and sometimes talking doesn't work. Compassion and understanding work. Empathy. Addiction is a multi level disease or illness and needs to be understood so everyone can move on, be well and be supportive. What all that means is that she needs to get reading and focus on what you HAVE done.

A non addict cannot relate to addiction. It's nearly impossible. She needs to accept that fact and just go on. A slip or relapse is NOT the end of the world. It's all part of recovery, in my opinion. What's important is picking yourself up after relapse and going forward sober. That can be really hard to do after a few times and she needs to try to understand that.

The focus should be on what you've accomplished and I'm not saying you should be coddled but it's not all cut and dried at all!  Also, every addict is different and every recovery is different. It's all subjective.

I'm not saying you should have a "get out of jail for free" card but there's a limit. You should try to work together on the issue and she doesn't sound very open minded. Is she kind of stubborn normally?

I agree about a therapist. I think an addictionologist would be most helpful.
Good luck to you!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Alabama and welcome! I think a therapist, maybe one who specializes in addiction is a great idea! It would help both of you. It is very difficult for those around us to truly understand, and be supportive! They want to help, but don't know what to do! It can end up making things worse! I wish you the very best! You have come a long way in your journey! Be proud of your accomplishments! Stay strong and focussed! Keep posting, and take care!

[alabamacabana]

allformykid, Thanks for the reply. I was thinking that last night. That we need to talk to someone who will remain neutral and give us some advise. We went to a couple different therapist before I went to rehab and it went horribly. One was completely and obviously against me, and the other was the opposite, telling her "you said for better or worst, in sickness and in health".. in my head I was thinking of all the equally important promises I had made to her that I was failing at in my addiction. But I am sure I can find one that will be better. I will look into it thanks.

And conhill, keep up the good work, it will get easier. Just prepare yourself for the urges and cravings they will come.

[allformykid]

wow, your story is both heart wrenching and inspiring. good on you for all the work you've put in to healing yourself... because that's what it's about... healing, not fixing.

although i sympathize with your wife's position, i do not appreciate it... in your honor.  since she has been willing to go to NA meetings and has tried to educate herself with your illness i would bet she would also consider therapy. you both need to speak to a neutral, educated and skilled person to learn how to better communicate and respect each other... respect the good, the bad and the downright ugly. manipulation is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship... no one wins and no one heals.

please keep posting and welcome back to sobriety!

[conhall]

Threatening is never good  For me it would make me defensive also.  I am in no position probably to give advice I am on day 3 opiate free But as far as the other stuff you have going on with your wife This is my opinion from what you said, You have come along way and i know she has been supportive through it all. But Your staying clean has to be because of you first and then You can make everything else work.  You had a slip but you didnt continue to spiral out of control. You cant change the past but you can change the future day by day!   Just talk to her and she is hurt now but she maybe just needs time. Tell her you dont need to be fixed You just need to Just BE! Tell her you know its hard on her but tell her that you love her and Just to not give up on you .  i hope that helped i am sorry If it made no sense I am sending you positive thoughts Keep up on ur sobriety God Bless