My Unborn Baby's Father

[unsecure]

I am four months pregnant and just last month I bumped into a few methodone bottles in my husband's bag.  I have been worried ever since not knowing if there might be a chance that by him taking it on a daily basis my baby might be dependant on it.  Despite the fact that he lied and never told me I am most worried about my unborn baby.  Can someone please fill me in?

Very Worried,

Unsecure

[Francoise]

I'm not totally sure about this, but it seems to me that your baby has NO CHANCE of being born addicted to anything just because its father is. Now, if you were addicted to heroin, let's say, then the baby would indeed be born addicted. That's why some states, like South Carolina, make it a criminal offense, a felony, for a pregnant woman to take illegal drugs.

Francois

[IrishRose]

Hi Unsecure,
     I was in a similar situation 24 yrs ago. I cleaned up my act when I found out I was pregnant and gave birth to a normal healthy boy. He father was addicted to and quite fond of several substances but generally in utero drug dependence and the effect of drugs is usually only passed on by the mother. However, you and your baby may be at risk for other things like Hepatitis C and HIV if he has a past history of drug abuse. Please see your doctor and get your prenatal care off to a good start or if you cannot afford a doctor most communities at least have a Planned Parenthood clinic that can either help or refer you for some low cost or free help. Take care.

[Leigh]

Unsecure: I completely agree with IrishRose's response. If you are not using, then your unborn baby is not at risk for addiction via your partner's habit. However, there are other things that could be a danger to you, such as HIV and Hepatitis. Also, if your partner is using and NOT being honest with you, you might be at risk for the rollercoaster ride of co-dependency and being at the mercy of an addict. There are quite a few people on this forum who have weathered the horrible addictitive lifestyle of a loved one, so you are certainly not alone. You might want to check out an Alanon meeting for some support in this area. Good luck, and keep us posted.

That being said, I'm hijacking this thread for a moment...hope I won't get in trouble...

I've been using hydrocodone for a few years now--on and off for three years, I'd say. I started using one a day. Went up to two...quit. Relapsed and went up to three...quit. Recently I had a relapse and found myself popping at least four, sometimes five pills a day. Keep in mind, this might not be a lot for some people--but my history shows an obvious tolerance and increase in usage that could potentially keep building up. Anyway, I woke up the other night in a cold sweat, which is unusual after falling asleep with two vics in my tummy. As I lay in bed, I realized that the past year of my life has been nothing but a narcotic haze. I have a great job and wonderful friends. But for the past year, I have been isolating myself from my friends. I rarely answer my phone, and I hardly ever return phone calls. I much prefer to take a pill and sit on my couch with that warm, fuzzy feeling. I also abandoned many of my hobbies. I used to exercise daily, I even taught night classes at a gym. Now, I can't imagine getting off my couch. My house is a mess--we're talking dishes everywhere, clothes on the floor, books scattered about. I can't seem to get interested in ANYTHING except my pills.

Now, take away the pills--and I would be a prime example of a depressed person. No motivation, social isolation, etc. But approximately ten months ago I lost my mom, and at that time, I was put on an anti-depressant. So I think it's safe to say that my lack of motivation, my lack of interest in anything is probably directly attributable to my hydrocodone addiction. And I really want out.

I've said this before and quit cold turkey, only to relapse a few weeks later. But this is the first time that I feel absolute disgust with myself. My life has literally gone down the tubes. I've lost touch with people, I've gained weight, and I've lost my love for life. I ran out of pills last night, and on one hand I felt relief--now I can wake up and get my life back again. But on the other hand I felt scared and defeated. I don't want to use again, but I also can't imagine life without. Not to mention--I don't have much of a life anymore. I made the decision to choose my pills and my couch night after night after night, and now that I don't have the pills and don't want the pills--I have this huge mess to clean up. And I'm not sure how or where to get the energy to clean up my life, especially while I'm withdrawing and craving and feeling at my very lowest.

I know the standard line of advice is to work a program. But I've tried the program, and I personally find the 12-step groups to be very cult-like. I applaud and admire the folks who can use the programs to get sober and stay sober, but it's not for me.

I guess I'm just looking for support. I feel like I'm on the cusp of either getting my life back or sinking even deeper. And more than anything in this world--I don't want to sink.

Thanks--L

[jule1]

Thank you for sharing your story.  How long have you been reading the forum?  I hope you have read about Thomas detox recipie if not look back and you will find it that will help you through the physical part.  I know how you feel about letting the pills take over your life and take away your ambition I have been there and am doing so much better now.  I also used to excersise, do things just was a very social person.  The one good thing about going through this addiction it has helped me weed out true friends from those who have not been around or there for me.  You do have a little bit of a hard time ahead of you but I promise you will come through if you stay with us here and keep up your drive to want to be clean.  There are so many here who have been through what you are going through some so much worse.   Look down and find Beths post about bing 6 months clean she included a picture apparently she also had gained weight now has lost it and looks great.  Well got to run but I will help in any way I can!!!   Jules

[jule1]

Hi Maryanne I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing.  I didn't have any answers about methadone but wanted to say hi and see how you are.  Are you the maryanne who responded about my friend problems?  If so thank you so much!!!  Jules

[Witchywoman]

Hi Leigh,
Your story sounds so similar to my own, except I ended up needing surgery for my back, though my hydro addiction started before I had the back pain.

Night after night, for years....it was the couch, the online interactive computer games, and the warm fuzzy vic vibe. I stopped calling friends, stopped excercising as much, emotionally abandoned my husband. I felt ashamed, disgusted, I woke up every morning feeling like **** and swearing I'd never do it again, and boom....same thing just that very night.

It was this forum, and the support I got here, that helped me finally get to the place where I truly was ready to stop...even with the back pain I have.

I also don't go to 12 step groups..they are just not for me, but for some they are wonderful.

Leigh, just don't give up hope. Get as much support as you can. The key to me has been to be HONEST. Crucially, 100% honest. So many times in my pre-clean days on the forum, I typed , and erased lies, over and over, to stay commited to telling everyone here the truth. That helped me so much.

It is hard to stay clean. No doubt about it. I have to admit the cravings come and go. It has been only just under 2 months for me.

But Leigh, it is worth it. Worth cleaning up what has become of your life. Worth picking up the phone again, getting your energy back..worth getting free of slavery to a pill.

Keep posting..keep with us. I need you.

love,
WW

[skipper]

Leigh:
you didn't say why you were perscribed the hydros in the begining.are you now or were you in serious pain? exactly how many mgs a day in the past week of using? intractable pain can (to say the least) complicate detoxing and remaining clean. if physical pain is still an issue, then things can get complicated. i was iv opiate user. i cleaned up my hand for 17 years only to have an old injury come back to haunt. 2 spinal surgerys later and i'm in "intractable pain." so...i can tell you first hand, it's a whole lot easer to avoid temptation, than it is to resist it! if there is no honest to goodness physical pain than your path is real simple(not easy},follow the advice in Thomas's detox recipe. i think you will find a lot of encouragement by posting regularly on this forum. many
people will be happy to share their own expierence or just be there to listen. best of luck and i hope to be seeing you post regularly!

my wife and i will be absent till the weekend. were going to visit my elderly parents. the live about 3 and 1/2 hours from here, so i'm prepared for the usual pain that car rides that long usually bring. this visit is long over-due on my part. i've been putting for too long. hope to be posting again by Saturday after-
noon.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[kstuebin]

Hi Leigh. Just wanted to roger your take on 12 step groups.  I find them cult like as well. I stopped drinking alcohol 15 years ago.  Went to AA at first but like you I didn't like it and stopped despite all the dire warnings that I would relapse immediately. Well, I didn't.  As a matter of fact, in 15 years I have gone out drinking three times and never went back to my abusive use of alcohol.  Of course, there is the problem of those benzos :-) but I'm almost off of them, down to 5 mg valium now. Hang in there. I don't know much about opiates except I like them too but they're hard to get (in my experience) whereas every dr. in the world will give you xanax. As for lack of energy, part of this benzo withdrawl is this incredible fatique. I force myself to go to the gym and run 2 miles at least three days a week. My house has dust bunnies multiplying on top of dust bunnies and my grass is almost a foot tall. I do the gym thing the minute I get out of bed while I still have at least a little energy. Then I'm shot for the day. I figure this too shall pass. And one day, I'll just wake up and want to get that dust mop out...yeh, right. LOL.

[littleguy]

It has taken me a while to put this post together, not because I have a long story to tell, but because I struggle with a social awkwardness that allows me no relief even when the contact is in its most anonymous form.  And what has driven me to such a desperate act? :)   The people here that are so willing to share honestly and openly about their experiences with addiction.  Without all of the rhetoric, dogma and slogans I have found more hope and inspiration here then I have found at 90 meetings in 90 days.  There is hardly a mention of a higher power and yet you guys have created a space that feels more sacred and more safe (even for a stranger) then any 12-step meeting that I have ever gone to.  That this forum could ‘disappear’ due to the content is shocking and clearly would be a disservice to (who knows how many?) people struggling with addiction and recovery.  There is so much more that I could say about what this forum has meant to me but for the sake of brevity I will close with a sincere thank you to each and every one of you (with the exception of danny boy) for taking the time to post and be there (not only for each other) but also for those that ghost regularly.

With warm regards,
littleguy

[cindi]

Everybody here has given you some wonderful advice.  I have a multitude of back problems and fibromyalgia,,I know i take too many vicodin period,,,my tolerance is very high  i am in the process of trying tof ind a new doc,,one that will treat me even though I have been in recovery in the past for a demerol etc..  addiction  I plan on getting off the vics and seeing a pain specialist because if it were not for the vics I could not get upa nd take care of my kids,,go to work etc.. I didn't take any last night and by this morning the pain in my entire body was so bad my husband had to help me get up  I waited too long to take any vics and by then it was too late  they did nothing to help me..my fibro ha become worse over the past several months  at first i could not figure out shy,,then i was told that stress will increase the symptoms..I to lost my mom,,,9 months ago  this past christmas morning...this is when i started to notice an increase n snymptoms,,,,,if you need pain meds for chrinic pain and are tolderant to the hydros  do as skip, WW and everyone else here suggests..as for the 12 step groups..they do help some people and i used to be quite active but I got tired of walking on eggshells and watching everything I say  and having them tear apart and annalize averything I would say...if i said I had insomnia it was because I couldn't handle life on life's own terms..one time i mentioned the fact that i would like to have another baby and they said that was because is was insecure with my life..the 12 step decision is a personal individual choice..at any rate..keep coming to the forum  we will help you all we can  we are honest  no sugarcoating and we will love you back to life......Love to all    cin

[Witchywoman]

littleguy....Wow.
Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing how this forum has affected you. I agree with you..this place creates sacred space just by the LOVE that is put forth by everyone.

Thank you. You just made my day. I send you love and magick sparkles and blessings and healing and all that good stuff.

love,
WW

[Marryanne]

Yes, I am the one who responded about your friend problems.  (Sorry to highjack guys).  I am doing okay.  I am waiting to get some Buprenex and will be getting it in about a week then I am going to get off my pain meds.  I hate living like this.  I have too much to do with my life to live it spaced out on drugs.  I'd really rather deal with pain then be a slave.  My husband is ready to quit too and said he would attend meetings (AA) with me this time.  I hope everything is going well for you and thank for your concern.  I have friends here that are just incredible and I cannot believe how well they understand what I am going through.  Love to all, Maryanne

[Marryanne]

I wanted you to know that I know how you feel.  I look around my house and am disgusted with myself too.  I too have quit exercising and have gained weight.  Everything has suffered from my addiction to alcohol and pills.  One or the other, or both together for so long I do not care to count anymore.  I am ready to change.  I need to change.  I am here for you and am praying for you.  This forum is such a great support.  There is also "Smart Recovery" online for support if you don't like AA.  There are many books (bookstore AND free at the library) that are very inspirational.  Some are self help and others are simply people's stories of addiction and what they did to get out of it.  I went to the free public library the other day and looked up "Sobriety"  "Alcoholism"  "Drug Addiction"  "Opiate Addiction" and took out some great books! Please, don't ever give up hope!  The thing that makes us all feel better as humans is to ACT.  DO something about it, don't just sit there and let it take over!  Now that you know what the problem is, write down specific things you can do to alleviate it.  Get and read books, go for a walk, etc.  The L-tyrosine (from Thomas' detox recipe really works for energy).  I am right where you are and very digusted and frusterated.  I, too, on this very day am going to make some changes.  I am waiting for some medicine to help me detox and then I am going to begin changing the things that are getting me down.  

Littleguy - your post was so great!  I am so glad you posted - it really made me smile! and thanks for your offer of help - I did email you...  

Thank you everyone!  Thomas, Cindi, Witchy, JB, Skipper, JBear, Leigh, Littleguy and all the other people who listen, and understand, Thank you from the bottom of my heart! :)
Love, Maryanne

[Leigh]

First of all, thank you everyone for the support and love you've given me these past 24 hours. I've tried Alanon, AA, NA, ACOA--and it's true, I've gotten more kind, honest words here than any of those programs. And believe me, I've tried meetings in three different east coast states--so I didn't just go to one meeting and give up. But the words of wisdom and kindness that I find here are more valuable to me than any meeting I've ever attended. Again, I'm not trying to minimize the power of the 12-step meetings. For some people, they are a Godsend. But for me, reading these posts is my higher power.

Just to answer a few questions: I've been reading / ghosting / lurking on this forum for over a year. I was always too afraid to post my story. Because, you see, I started using hydrocodone in a recreational way. It was given to me by a 'friend' to provide energy for my long days at work. I don't suffer from chronic pain, and this always made me feel horribly guilty. I know a lot of people on this forum suffer from honest pain, and I feel awful that you face either a life of addiction or a life of pain. I felt like I had no right to complain when I brought this nightmare on myself. But now, I've started to realize that I'm in deeper than I can handle by myself. I feel like I will either beat this 'dragon' or wind up a complete, absolute mess.

I was using either the 5 or 7.5 Vicodins. Like I said, started at two a day--and two days ago, when I had my last day of pills, I was up to five. Again, I know people have it worse--but my history shows an increasing tolerance. So I'm sure if I relapse again, my daily dosage will climb up to six, eventually seven, and so on. Right now, my social life and my own sanity is suffering. I still have a great job, but I'm afraid that the next relapse will begin to affect my work. It's only a matter of time. I want so badly to get my life back before this happens. I was sitting here yesterday, remembering three years ago when I had NO idea what hydrocodone was. My life was fine. Granted, I had relationship problems and I was struggling through grad school. But otherwise, my mood and energy level were 'normal.' Now, I can't imagine how I will be happy or how I will muster up the energy to do the simplest of tasks. How could I let this happen? How could I get so far away from myself?

One question: I would like to try Thomas's recipe. However, I take Effexor for depression. I know things like 5htp warn against simultaneously taking prescription anti-depressants. How about the L-Tyrosine...anyone know if that would be safe with Effexor or the like?

Again, thank you so much, everyone. I don't have many friends to turn to during this time. I unfortunately isolated myself from almost everyone. I truly loved the hydrocodone buzz more than I enjoyed talking to friends, and I pushed everyone away. Sat on my couch, watching those dust mites, happy as a clam. I even went out and bought plastic utensils so I could enjoy my buzz and not ruin things by doing dishes. Ugh.

Love, L

[Witchywoman]

Hi Leigh,
Yes, you can take the L-Tyrosine with Effexor. L-Tyrosine does not have a huge effect on serotonin production, like the 5 HTP does. So not take 5 HTP if you are on Effexor.

One thing we should all consider taking is Deprenyl. I've written this here a few times, and each time it has been deleted, so I urge you to go to this website, look up Deprenyl, and read about it before this gets deleted again.
http://www.antiaging-systems.com/home1.htm

In addition to deprenyl, they sell 5 HTP and other nutrients and pharmaceuticals that research has documented as having pro health and anti-aging effects. The web site contains original scientific research on everything they sell, and gives all the info you need. The web site also has an article that discussed the health detriments of chronic narcotic use, saying that it speeds up the aging process and supresses the immune system. It gives a nutrional supplement plan for chronic pain patients who have to be on narcotics long term, to counter the negative effects of narcotics.

I've been on deprenyl for several weeks now, and I now have the energy that I used to have in my 20's. Maybe even more. It is not a narcotic, it is not a pain killer. It is not an amphetamine. You do not build tolerance to it or get high from it. What it does is support the part of the brain that produces dopamine (called the substantia nigra). It helps the brain produce the levels of dopamine that it produced in youth. It clears that mental fog feeling. I've felt sharper, my memory is way better, my wit, awareness, and feeling of clarity is higher. I no longer get the afternoon dulldrums. All this from taking one teeny drop a day of a substance that made lab rats live 50% longer. I think that it has a lot of the same effects of L-Tyrosine, but just a lot more marked. My guess is that it would greatly help with withdrawals. Er..one other goodie about depreynyl...it is a pro sexual. 'nuff said. heh.

Enough of me preaching....just..my Chiropractor had tried to get me to take it for years, and I wish I had listened to him sooner. You can order it from the web site, but the FDA won't let Docs prescribe it here until you have lost 80% of your dopamine production.

the soon to be deleted WW

[jennyfla]

Hi Leigh,
I just wanted to share with you that I am not a person who using opiates for pain, I too, started as a recreational user.  I found these little pills made me 'happy'!!!  All of a sudden, just for a little while, my pain in my soul was gone.  Unfortuately, it's turned into a monster (as I'm sure you can now see through your own eyes).  I too am over my head, and i feel i am doing all i can to keep my head above water.  When we first moved to a new area 5-years ago, i had never felt so alone in all my life, i really think i had a mini-nervous breakdown.  My husband started bring home pills, and i found that they made all the sadness go away.  Then it escalated into heroin, and then oxycontin.  Then rehab for my husband, then relaspe, then the cycle continued.
I understand the feelings you have with feeling as if you've shut your world out... i too have those feelings.  I'm very concerned for my children because i'm afraid of 'things' that i'm not aware of, feelings that i'm suppose to feel, and i'm missing things.
Don't worry about your feelings on 12-step programs.  Coming to this forum and beginning to post is probably one of the best steps you've taken towards getting better that you could have!
Stay with us, you can't go wrong!
Good luck sweetie, and try to not feel bad about yourself.  You're worth the fight!
Lv Jenny

[Witchywoman]

Leigh I want to second what Jenny said.

While I do have chronic pain now, I didn't have chronic pain when I started my hydrocodone addiction.

I had surgery for endometriosis about 6 years ago. Right after the surgery, I took vicodin for a few days, then stopped. Pain was gone, didn't need it anymore. Into the med cabinet they went and I forgot about them. Amazing, huh?

About a year later, I found them one night, when I was very down in the dumps and took a few. I realized they made me feel immediately euphoric...so, I started to abuse them. I got my Doc to represcribe them for me, though my pain from the endo had not returned, I lied. He gave me 50 a month. For a few years, that is all I took. I made them last most of the month. Only took them at night. Didn't get physically dependant, but was abusing them, no question about it.  

Then, the back pain started, and I realized that the meds helped with that pain. Eventually the pain got so bad I went to a back surgeon, and he gave me an unlimited supply, and I was off and running. I've now been clean about 2 months. Still have pain, but am free of the Dragon's grip thanks to this forum. I *never* thought I'd get free.

So...addicts are addicts. Pain or no pain. None of us is any better or worse ...we are all equally wonderful people, with the dreadful disease of addiction.

Welcome among us..we need you. I need you!

love,
WW

[jule1]

Hello LG,  Just wanted to echo everyone else and say hello and thank you for writing.  Even for oustgoing people that first post is ver hard.  I remeber reading, erasing rewriting over and over and then being afraid something I wrote was stupid.  Then I would come back every ten minutes to see if anyone wrote about how dumb my post was.  Now it just all hangs out.  So hello and let it all hang out you have unconditional friends here.  Your new friend Jules