My Wife is Sober But not herself-Help!!!

I need some help trying to interrupt my NEW wife who returned is finally clean up in AA now or the “Program”. First a little background, my wife and I both were using oxycodone (about 300mg a day each) for the last 2 years.  She also loved to mix somas and xanax into the picture which I do not have to explain the effect that had.  Let’s say there was a lot of burned cigarette holes in shirts and blankets and tons of nights finding her passed out in all different places, even outside.  By the grace of god and I truly believe a guardian angel or something like that she was never serious hurt or hurt anyone.  I am no angel but stayed only to the oxys which I am prescribed for pain from a number of knee surgeries.  The best background I can give is I am a functioning addict who goes to work everyday and hides my problem well, whereas she is a complete non-functioning addict who lost her job and is not presentable in public or around company most of the times. So of course we withdraw from family and friends for the last couple years.  We also have a 2 ½ year old baby that without the help of babysitters god only knows, since she was fired I had been working 60-70 hrs a week to keep us a float.  Well child services was called on my wife and they came in and unlike I she is not prescribed meds, however that didn’t matter, since she tested positive for everything but Meth.  This was news to me and a complete shocker, I knew about the oxys but EVERYTHING.  Of course they seen that there was no abuse at all just a mother on drugs (who did most of her damage at night when the baby went to sleep) and thankfully a full time family member who babysat everyday.  

The good news is she is now 30 days clean but still on Suboxone, however she looks great again and I believe is doing well overall.  The only problem is she has entered AA and refuses to talk to me now completely because her counselor told her she needs to worry about herself only at this point. She has set boundaries which includes not interacting with me unless it relates to our son.  She moved in with her mother who is like a giant wall between us.  She is just as extreme with the Program as she was with the drugs.  She has abandoned her life and the mess we both created for the last two years and left it for me to clean up on my own.  At first she would speak to me until I cleaned up, which I did all by myself “cold turkey” and then after a week or so into me being clean, we got into a little fight and she shut me off again.  She called me a trigger to her use and has to not interact with me at this point.  I of course fell off the wagon, since I was alone with no son and wife and now no even communication from her.  I asked her if she wants to ultimately have us both clean and back together as a family (no time frame even)? She can’t answer that.  She can’t ask me to quit.  She says I can’t quit for her or the baby but I need to do all this regardless of if we are together.  

I am completely confused on where my wife is coming from.  This was my highschool sweetheart who I been with for 12 years.  We were best friends and madly in love.  Now she is completely different, unloving and cold.  She also preaches and quotes the program and what her counselor says to do.  Its like talking to a AA robot not my wife.  At times glimpses of my wife shine through which gives me hope and then quickly the AA robot is back.

Can someone explain why not talking to her husband can be at all good for our family, our relationship or staying clean? Maybe it helps her but we didn’t take vows before God and have a child together to only worry about ourselves and turn our backs on the other when times got tough. I am scarred to make a harsh life decision because if my wife actually returns I want to be with her, however if this is what the rest of my life will be now that she is in the program and if the only way to stay clean is the program, that is not a life I want for me or my son.  Can someone help explain what her counselor may be telling her or why cutting her husband out and not talking to me is what she needs to do?  I just can’t and don’t understand what’s going on and she will not give me any answers every thing is vague and a quote from the program.

What can I do? I want my wife and son home.  Quitting is a giving and I have that setup for labor day weekend, but after that she still wants time, which again makes my chances of staying clean pretty low since I am completely alone.    

[VOsRose]

First, let me say, I'm very sorry about the situation you're in.  I'm sure it is heartbreaking on a number of different levels.  I will try to answer some questions for you, but these are just my opinions and you should take what you find useful and discard the rest.

A "functioning" addict is an addict, nonetheless.  I was a functioning addict...we own a commerical diving company (oilfield construction) and work 24/7...we're never off call.  I was taking 60 -  80 Lortab 10s a day and functioning just fine.  Working, taking my daughter to school each day, taking her where she needed to go, shopping, running my house, etc.  Was I on the path to certain death?  Yes...I was.  Addicts cannot control their usage and, eventually, it will lead to prison, institution or death.  That being said, it sounds like you are saying your wife was a worse addict than you.  If there is such a thing.  I, personally, think addicts are addicts.  It's a brain chemistry and behavior problem.  People deal differently, handle it differently, but, essentially, we're all in the same boat.

I'm not trying to chastise here...please don't take it that way.  I'm getting to a point.  If your wife is 30 days clean she is probably still suffering from a lot of psychological fallout from her addiction.  I was still having some physical withdrawal at 30 days and certainly psychological withdrawal.  Most counselors will tell you, when in treatment, that the only way to stay clean is to disassociate from the people in your life who are using and enabling you.

Your wife is probably feeling both "righteous" (and not that that's a bad thing...getting sober is hell - the withdrawals are a nightmare) that she's gotten sober and you're still using, overwhelmed and afraid to end up back where she was and facing detox again, psychological vulnerability and confusion.  She may feel she needs to follow every piece of advice she's given in order to have a chance at staying clean.  The counselor telling her that she needs to think only of herself right now is both true and impractical.  As a mother and wife, she has other people that are just as important and need her, also.  There has to be a balance, but that's hard to do when dealing with withdrawal.

My suggestion to you is that you get into a recovery program, also.  Many people, me being one of them at one time, are resistant to "programs".  We feel we don't need to follow any credo...we're bright enough to know what we need to do without strangers guiding us.  Many people feel they are above help that groups like N/A and A/A provide.  We feel a kind of superiority to people who are weak-minded enough to buy into the propoganda of help groups.  But then, one day, something happens to us...we realize we are addicts and our lives have become unmanagable.  We admit, at least to ourselves, that we are powerless over drugs.  THEN the light goes on.  All the defense mechanisms crumble.  And we are more than willing to walk into a meeting, introduce ourselves, and beg all the other wonderful people there for help and guidance.  It's a beautiful thing.

I'm telling you this because your wife has been introduced to this.  While it sounds like, from what you've said, she may be somewhat compulsive, this is what she needs, at least right now, to stay where she is in her sobriety and her quest for recovery.  She probably sees herself as far ahead of you in the recovery process.  Does this mean she will be this way forever?  I can't answer that.  I don't know your wife, personally.  She may or she may not.  It's been my experience with people that embrace philosophies with and "all or nothing" attitude, that eventually they either become fanatics or they fall away from it.  Based on what you're telling me, I hope she falls somewhere in the middle.  She needs to gain and sustain recovery.  

As far as your comment about being unable to quit without relapse because your wife and child are not with you...your wife is correct.  You have to want to quit for YOU...not for your family, job or anything  else.  Until you can accept that you are an addict and your life is unmanagable and you are powerless over drugs, you will not be able to begin a successful recovery process (whether that is through NA or some other manner).  

Please don't take these words as harsh...I don't mean them that way.  I'm simply speaking from some experience.  I've been where you are in my addiction, as most of us have.  

Work on yourself and love your wife...that's all you can do right now.  She has taken the decision of whether or not you will be together away from you at this point.  I wish you luck and if you need anything, please let us know.  Many people here will offer you advice, opinions and guidance.  

Peace
Rosie

[wait2long]

GREAT LETTER AND ADVICE ROSE!!   rose basically said it all, you do have to quit for you...no one else, and if and when you decide to quit, you need to get therapy, i couldnt do the NA/AA route...not for me...but is has worked for thousands of people...maybe attend some meetings with your wife, or start meetings on your own or get private therapy (i needed one on one type of counseling, and i almost starting to enjoy it) it does help!!! and i really think she will stick to her commitment. and it may be a test (in a sense) to see if you can do the same. both myself and husband are addicts, him being worse..so i understand COMPLETELY when you say she was worse, completely non functioning...but if she was worse and cleaned herself up, you must be able to do the same...right?  and maybe when you have started your process of getting clean and help, things can work out, i am sorry to say it wont work if one is still using...so that should be a place for you to start.... i hope we have been of help and post when you need to...that too helps...