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My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEO...
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My bf is a cop, I have relapsed, I'm living a lie and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate. 10 minutes ago I closed my eyes and prayed, and the next thing I know, I am here. I'm not even sure this is what I'm supposed to do, or where I'm supposed to post, but I just need SOMEONE to talk to. I have no one in my life I can be open with, as I am living a lie. 5 years ago I became addicted to Roxicodone. I grew up in a home with a police officer, which was a great source of inspiration for me, he was an incredible role model. When I was 22 I discovered the roxys, and became hooked. When my mother passed away 2 years later, I decided to check myself into rehab. Which went great. A year later I met the man of my dreams, he too was a police officer! I thought to myself, now I have a REASON to stay clean, someone to motivate me, because obviously, I can't have him, AND the drugs. I told him all about my past and he accepted me. He is hands down the most incredible human being to walk the earth, the moment he wakes up, his goal is to make me happy. I don't deserve him. He fell in love with the clean sober happy me. 6 months into the relationship, I relapsed, for a few months. I broke down and told him- he got down on his knees, prayed, and asked me to chose, and of course I chose him. I remained clean for a month, and when I was drunk at a party, upset because id just recieved word my father is now dying as well. I let my best friend inject me with dilaudid. And for anyone who has done this, the amazing rush you get isn't easy to forget. So like the idiot I am, I let the drugs take ahold of me. And for the last year, I have been doing dilaudid. I have tried to quit so many times, but I know, if I tell him, he will leave me, my life will be over, I will have nothing. And it's pretty much impossible to secretly detox in the house with a cop, which is why it's been IMPOSSIBLE for me to stop. It's to the point where I feel like I am too far gone, I FORGET what it's like to live without them. Every morning I open my eyes, my first thought is to end my life, i constantly think of ending my life, and how i will do it, because the guilt and realization of what I have been doing hits me at once. This was not the plan, this was not how things were supposed to go, i cant believe i ended up in this situation. I know deep down I am a great person, in there somewhere. I put on a happy face everywhere I go, but I am dying inside. I CANNOT tell him, because he is a gift from heaven, he will be heartbroken, he loves me more than life itself and it will KILL HIM. I want to be with him forever, I will never be loved more or better than he loves me. We just bought a house, and I want to start living a happy life, and garden, and be the happy go lucky full of life person he fell in love with.  I am lost. What I really need now, is someone, just one person, that I can talk to, who can support me and give me words of encouragement. I am on day 4 of no drugs, and every minute is a struggle. I know everyone who is reading this probably thinks I am a heartless person, and while that's not true, I do have a heart, I have to agree that I am a horrible person, making horrible decisions. I have began taking the steps to get clean, while 4 days doesn't sound like much, it's a start. Even if nothing comes of this post, no one responds, or I get mean responses, that's ok, because I already feel so much better, relieving some of the stress of my chest. I am sorry this is so long, I hope this website is what I think it is, a place of support. I have NO ONE ELSE. And I feel sad and alone. Smiling and kissing my boyfriend, pretending like everything is ok is so hard, but I do it, every minute of everyday. I hope this is the start of the end of these things for me, and if anyone who has been through it or is going through it would like to join me, it would mean the world. Thank you again so much for listening, it means more than you know!
Tags: addict, living
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3092482_tn?1383176848
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
55 Comments Post a Comment
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3092482_tn?1383176848
First off, you are in the right place, you are not heartless, and nobody will judge you hear. Many of us here have lived a lie. It's embarrassing and we beat ourselves up over it. 4 days is a huge accomplishment, especially in your situation. I hope you have cut your sources. Can you go to an NA meeting? You have relapsed a couple times, just like many of us, so you need some kind of support. Maybe you can tell your man that you are feeling those old feelings and want to get support at a meeting. I say it all the time, addicts are some of the most tolerant, loving, generous people on the plant. That's why so many of us escape from this messed up world or some traumas in our lives. I just want to let you know that you are on the right track and will get your life back. You will get a lot more response in the morning. Keep praying and holding onto your God, nothing can defeat you with His help. Welcome to our community, please keep posting.
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I am in tears. You have no idea how long I have waited to hear words of encouragement. When I saw that someone wrote me I was preparing for the worst, instead I got amazing words of support. And I cannot thank you enough. I've been DYING to go to NA meetings, I was just so afraid someone who knows him would recognize me, and I don't want to make him look bad, because while HE accepts my past, some of his peers may not. But if you think it would be worth it for me to go, I will drive to the ends of the earth if you think it would be worth it! And again, thank you for not judging, your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know!
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Ps, I hit a button and it said something about select best answer and it posted your comment again! Lol I have no idea what I'm doing yet, lol
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3092482_tn?1383176848
I think a meeting would keep you from feeling so alone in this. You say you feel like dying and feel all alone, what could be worse? If someone sees you at a meeting, then they have the same problem. I found that I had to stop worrying about what anyone thought if I was going to live and be happy. You say you will lose everything if you get caught. Well, you will likely lose everything if you keep using. You know the priority. Heal yourself and all that other stuff will work out. In my meetings we say, "If you don't know what the next right thing is, do the next thing right." You are already 4 days closer to the real you, you can do this.
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Good Morning Tee, and Welcome, Rushing to get my son out the door, but wanted to tell you, your not alone at all. We could have all written your post at one time or another. If you are on day 4, your golden with the physical. You will have a few more weeks of low energy, depression and lingering w/d symptoms, but you'll be fine. The mental is another thing. Yes, The more support the better. I detoxed,w/d, and am in recovery on my own. Just my circumstances, but I was at a point where it was do or die. I didn't have another detox in me. Can you go to an addiction councilor if meetings are too scary for you? Chances are your BF will understand, but I do know the fear of disclosing and that is your choice. I can just tell you the freedom that comes from not having to chase a high or even the pills to feel well is the most amazing feeling in the world. You can free your mind up to plan your future....marriage....kids....career. These pillls rob us of our emotions, happiness and self worth. Getting and staying clean will be a journey, but one I promise will be the greatest thing you could ever do. We think we are acting normal with our mates, families, friends etc while on pills, but (for me) not the case. Step by step...day by day, you can do this. Keep posting with any symptoms...for support ...or just to vent. We're here and we've been THERE. Prayers and hugs headed your way.
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Avatar_f_tn
Welcome Tee:) so glad you're here. You're not a horrible person. You're a very strong and brave person that has a disease just like the rest of us here. I agree with Weaver that you need to attend some na meetings. It's nothing to be embarassed about, every addict has to work at staying clean EVERYDAY for the rest of their life. Congrats on 4 days, the worse of the physical withdrawls should be behind you now focus on the mental part and na would be a great step. Best of luck to you, keep posting, the people here understand you and care and support you!! God bless.
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4149717_tn?1389507161
Hi Tee and welcome here! As others above me have stated, you are ina  great , non-judgmental place here! We have all been where you are today at least once. Some have already made it across, some (like me) are still getting there. The most important thing is you dont quit. 4 days is amazing!! I promise that soon you will start to see the clouds lifting!

As Weaver said, you should consider NA or AA. I have relapsed many times and the one thing I have already done differently this time is I went to a meeting. You think there are supportive people here?! You just wait until you go to a meeting.  Bottom line is I know your scared, as we all were, but You can do it!

Stay strong friend and were all here to support you!
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480448_tn?1397235344
Welcome!  Congrats on making the decision to take your life back!

You've relapsed a couple times, so now it's time to get tough, figure out what exactly you did before that wasn't working, and try something new.  Aftercare is simply VITAL.  

You can seek out a private therapist who deals with addiction, as well as going to NA/AA meetings.  The more you do, the better.  Try a few different meetings out, and see where you're most comfortable.  From what the people here have said, they all vary a little bit with age groups, gender, etc.  Also, you need to go a few times before making a decision about that meeting... at least 4 or 5.  AA is supposed to be a bit more structured as far as the 12 step appraoch, and NA a bit more informal.  There is something for everyone, as far as meetings go.  If you start going to meetings...try to get a sponsor.  That's important, because with no one in your life knowing about this...you have no one to be accountable to.  That will set you up for relapse.  It would be great if you could confide in atleast one person in your life for that reason....if not, a sponsor would be a step.

Like someone else said, even IF you did happen to see someone at a meting you know...you're both in the same boat.  More than likely, you'd probably both be relieved to see someone you know, to be able to support one another.  Also, your BF knows you have a history of addiction anyway, so is it really that unusual for you to want to go to an NA meeting?  You could try meetings a little further from home.  Whatever you do, you have to have a solid plan in place and stick to it.

Also, be sure to cut all your sources, whatever it takes.  NO more alcohol.  Even if you've never abused it, it led to relapse before for you, and it will again.  Your judgement is altered when drinking, and your inhibitions are lowered as well.

You can do this.  Lots of people are successful, and lots of people (I'd even say most) relapse at least once, if not more.  That's why it's called an "addiction".  If it was easy....this forum would be empty.  You need to sit down with a professional, figure out what caused you to use, and to teach you how to undo that addict mindset.

Very best of luck to you...I know you're feeling down right now, which is normal durinf detox, but stop being so hard on yourself.  YOU are not a bad person.  You're a SICK person who needs help.
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I really can't say anything anyone else hasn't. Know this, you are NOT. A horrible person!! We've all been in your shoes and a lot are still walking around in them! This is a fight for your life! Your future! A beautiful future with that wonderful man of yours! I agree with someone that said perhaps you could just tell BF that you might need meetings or therapy. Without saying too much but still allowing him to support you in some way. Or at least getting to meetings or therapy without him not knowing. Just tell him you have some things to work out. Hang in there sweet friend! We are all here for you! You will get an amazing amount of support from this group that be a bit overwhelming! It was for me anyway! To know all these complete strangers taking time out to help me, support me, encourage me without one but of judgement!! Stay with us and we will help you trough this!! Welcome and BTW, 4 days is freaking awesome!!! That is one HUGE milestone there in itself so go celebrate with a giant brownie or cake or buy yourself a new sassy pair of shoes :) if your tummy is up for it! If not, celebrate on the couch with a good movie and a nap! Hang in there! The light is there and you're almost to it!!! Congrats and welcome!
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Hey Teej,

Welcome!  I know it's scary.  BUT you have friends here... and complete support.  When I'm feeling especially weak and anxious I put in my earbuds and listen to these lyrics and think about all of the love, acceptance and support that I receive here... it's like home:)


"HOME" by Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home
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3225128_tn?1347137598
Hi Teej ,
Your now on the right path . 4 days is great . others here have been in the same place you are in and will give you advise , hope , support , these people have gone thru it themselfs and now are drug free .
You can do it to . Stay 100% positive ,
Stop hateing yourself  , Hate the drug & what its done to you .
Post questions , Post when in the hardest times , it passes time .
Remember the stress & panic are the brain wanting its drugs .
Get tuff this won't last forever . A few days from now things will improve .
......Ron
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Love your post....(smile)
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3517260_tn?1388880793
Heh teej,i really connected with your post i to got clean for the wrong reasons and ended up relapseing.I was in rehab for a year and got married my first year in recovery (thinking this will keep me clean) it worked for a little while but ended up back on the drugs.What a helpless feelng i had thought i would  be a drug addict for the rest of my life.I also found this website by chance and thank god i did got some life saving advice.You are not a horrible person you are a drug addict just like us.We all understand where you are at keep posting for support........keith
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only thing i want to add is, alot of cops hav drug and alcohal (alcohol) issues if ur worried bout being seen at n/a got to a/a is much more socially excepted  but has the same principals
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495284_tn?1333897642
How are you doing today?  4 days is great!
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1796826_tn?1390531971
Are you surprised at the total lack of negative feedback you're getting? Now you know: You are not alone. Every day you battle your addiction is a day you can be proud of. You will always be an addict, but if you take the right steps to never use, I think that makes you a better person than most, not a worse one. Read all the other posts carefully - they contain the wisdom from decades of clean time!
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You're probably still in the middle w/d's today. I hope you come back on and let us know how you're doing. Everyone of us addicts, hid, lied, stole or cheated someone to get high. Just because we've done despicable things doesn't make us despicable people. My wife thought I had been clean multiple times. She too has been an angel that I didn't think I deserved. I lied and hid from her my relapses too many times. No matter how hard I tried I just kept failing. One night in the middle of my w/d's where I was lying in bed sweating, freezing and crying I broke down with her and told her I everything. I was so afraid that she was going to throw me out and give up on me. Because she knows I'm not a horrible person she was willing to pour herself into my recovery one more time. I have taken this help and run with it. I had to surrender all hope of fixing this on my own. I needed help from someone, anyone. I have started going to N/A and A/A meetings. At first I was afraid I would be spotted by someone I knew. I have coached sports in my small town for years. I was afraid someone would find out the honest, respectful guy they knew was an addict all along. After the first meeting I completely forgot about that and was so focused on my recovery that I didn't really care who knew. If I was serious about getting clean, I was going to have to embrace that and tear down the walls of my double life anyways. I know it's not easy, but st some point in your recovery this will happen.

Please let us know how you're feeling and if you need anymore inspiration.
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Holy cow!!! Not to sound like a big baby, but I'm sitting here reading all these messages from you amazing people BALLING MY EYEBALLS OUT!! I never ever expected this, in a million years, a place where I could be open, and instead of getting horrible feedback, it was ALL love!!! I felt when I fell asleep last night, super exposed, I had opened myself up, and was just waiting for the backlash, and to wake up and be bombarded (in a good way) with SO much love, well, it has me in tears. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, because for the first time in FOREVER, I feel like I have a place, where I am accepted and encouraged. You all had SUCH amazing insight and advice. You all are so right about meetings, and I think when I start to feel able to function I will start to go. Right now my bf thinks I have the flu, and that's why I'm in bed so much. I can't wait to be active again. I'm ALWAYS sick and lethargic, making up some excuse to him about why I feel like crap. Poor guy. He always takes care of me, not knowing the horrible truth. Bad co and keith, I can't tell you how amazing it was to hear of people who have been in my shoes, all for my kid , I just bought it on iTunes! Haha. My gosh I want to respond to EACH and everyone of you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart, there's SO MANY though! Lol just know, that each of your messages was carefully read through tearful eyes and I am beyond greatful, that was REALLY the push I needed today :) thank you!
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284451_tn?1354974227
So glad to hear that you made it through the night. You are in the exact position I was 35 days ago. I cried for 2 days. I was a mess. I felt like I failed my wife, my incredible son, my awesome parents, everyone. My wife had thought I had "beaten this long ago. I had hid my relapse as well. She congratulated me on my sobriety a few times (minutes after I had eaten or snorted any opiate I could find) and it was the emptiest feeling I had ever had. She has stuck with me far longer than I ever deserved. Now I have a lifetime to to pay her back for being so strong and supportive for me. I too had to have another flu, to get this far. Work was fun too, :)
Don't feel lost, consider yourself found. If it is truly your time to beat this, you're no longer lost. If you can accept that you can't do this on your own and you need help you will be fine. Use the N/A- A/A meetings, and this site to get through your worst times. I never thought I could get through the w/d's while living a professional life, being a dad, son and husband  but I have so far and it is getting better everyday. You're doing so great! Keep it up. Remember, good music and good exercise will make you feel better every time!

Bad Co
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Hi Teej ,
I told most people i had the flu and that has caused a broken rib for a few days extra time .
Sounds like the Cop BF  really loves you , He will be so happy to get the new you back forever .
It's tuff but fight hard this will pass ..........Ron
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Hey Teej good to see your hanging in there congrats on kicking the diladid I to had to do that once it a tuff nut to crack I have found threw trial and error that programs like N/a make the diffence of staying clean or going back out there right now lets focus on getting you threw the detox and when your better you can hit a meeting your like many addicts you go threw clean times but for whatever reason wind up back using the meeting can break the cycle right now just give yourself a break your not a horable person your an addict....you came to a great place for support we all want to see you get clean so minute by minute if you have to you can do this best of luck and God bless....Gnarly
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As u can c u have MANY people to talk to.as for u being a horrible,heartless person thats rediculous.if that were at all true u wouldnt feel the way u do,have4days clean,be so worried about the pain u will cause ur husband.i think u might be selling him short.he knows about addiction,its a disease.U need inpatient rehab.U need to be honest as u both love each other so much and he deserves the truth.what if u get clean and 6months,a yr whenever he finda out and u werent honest.he will feel like a fool and be devastated he hid this and lued.U can tell him and get n2a program.let him know he is angry and hurt,ur sry and love him so much and know that rehab is the only way for u to be able to get and stay clean and u will be honest from this point on.if u have him when ur craving u can tell him u need to get to a meeting.snt lose this because ur scared.if u love him he has the right to know the truth.
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Ugh, I didn't sleep for a single minute last night. I don't know whethe to wear long sleeves and pants because I'm freezing, or shorts and T's for when I'm hot, it changes minute to minute! . Which makes sense! I don't really know where I'm supposed to write on here or how to get friends. But I just needed to yell to someone about how horrific today is for some reason. I was up all night and I am so tired but can't sleep, and I don't wanna get out of bed :(
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Try to relax and breath and be patient with yourself.  The w/ds don't last forever!  I woke up today (day 4) feeling pretty good.  I'm not 100% but at least my hands and feet don't feel like they have severe sunburn anymore!  Ugh that sucked!

What I'm trying to say is that it gets better pretty quickly so hang in there!  YOU GOT THIS and we are all here to support your success!

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495284_tn?1333897642
You can yell at me!!

The best thing to do right now is get up, shower and get some fresh air.  The more you are up and moving the better off you will be.  The hot/cold thing wont last real long but it is a pain while it is going on.  Sleep is hard to come by but it does come back so hang on.  You are doing great!!!

Are you taking any supplements/vitamins?
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284451_tn?1354974227
Hey there. I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Just so you know, you're right on schedule. Don't panic and live one minute at a time. I remember being so uncomfortable in bed or on my couch. I couldn't focus on tv, music, life. I couldn't believe how my body just stopped regulating my own temperature. sweating, freezing, shivers, and clammy skin. it was horrible. I thought, how can possibly be so exhausted and not fall asleep? Just know what you're feeling is part of the process. You will hit a peak of this craziness and then you will start feeling better. Just when you think you can't stand it you will have a moment of clarity and realize that it will get better. Don't worry about tomorrow, or the next day, just take care of the next few minutes at a time. Soon you will be able to tackle hours at a time and before you know it you can approach an entire day. For now just know it WILL get better. If this old guy can make it this far, I'm sure a young strong women like yourself can win this battle. You are doing well, be proud and strong. You will be so happy soon.

Take care of yourself as best as you can.

Bad Co
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3092482_tn?1383176848
Insomnia is a top complaint, most of us have been there. I thought I was losing it, but it was worth it. What you are experiencing is completely normal. Sarah is right, the more you move around, no matter how hard it seems, the better you will feel. Just a slow walk, swim, and even stretching. You are getting better no matter how it feels. Keep you eyes on the prize and keep us posted.
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Hi Teej ,  All normal W/D that everyone goes thru . Its ok to cry its your emotions trying to deal with life without the drugs .
The tired , no energy , no sleep , upset tummy , body aches & pains & crying are all going to ease soon ,
Go hour by hour , Stay 100% positive , Make yourself Move around , do little easy things to pass the time . Post &  vent its ok , it passes time.
It is really our choice . Be proud of yourself every day you CHOSE to NOT take drugs .
Next week you will post a different happier you getting better every day , it will happen ......... Ron
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I keep coming back here because I feel like I'm losing my mind, it's racing and I would honestly rather die than feel like this. I can't imagine moving around and showering. I am shaking and crying. Part of my brain says go get some stuff you will feel better, but I know that will just prolong my pain. N I know I should get outta bed, but I can't aaaaaaaahhhhhhhggg
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And everyone's comments are the only thing saving me. So thank you all
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284451_tn?1354974227
I'm guessing you're in the middle of the worst of it. It will get better soon.  I came on here and posted the exact same cry for help a month ago. at my peak, I was crying and sad, depressed for everyone I had lied to, hurt and hid from. A few words of encouragement from the people here propelled me through the next few hours. Again I came back on here begging for someone to tell me it was going to be alright. They did. And I made it a few more hours. Eventually my wife and son would get home from work, and I was able to collect myself enough to get through the night. The next day was better than before. And each day has gotten better than the last. Feel free to come on here and cry, beg and plead. We've all been in your shoes and know exactly how you feel. It feels like the worst, but if you decide to give in and use again you have to go through this all over again. every minute you make it now is a minute of hell you will never have to repeat.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
"I know I SHOULD get outta bed." There's no should for now. Give yourself a break, we are only making suggestions. There's no wrong way to get clean. If you just lay there and do nothing but cry, you are healing, as long as you don't use. You will get through this and have the rest of your life to live, a real you life. Remember what it was like when you first got with your bf? You have so much to look forward to and you are on your way. Post as much as you need and stay with us. We are all routing for you.
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4202953_tn?1377187106
You're doing great! I'm so impressed that you've made it so far already, especially since you're feeling so bad. My husband takes Melatonin for sleep and it works so well! Just know that you'll start to feel better soon and it WILL get better! You're an inspiration to me since I'm only on day 1, so please keep pushing though. It will be so worth it in the long run! Oh, and go for a walk! I know that you're probably laying there in misery but do it! You'll feel so much better and it's so pretty outside these days!
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Welcome to you!  Now you have A LOT of "someone's" that understand you and you can talk to.  I pray you will continue to talk to us.    

I did not find this forum until I was almost 60 days clean.  I did the w/d's
without all the knowledge available here.....and the love and support.
I knew if I "caved" I would have to start ALL over again.  I was really sick and knew nothing about opiate addiction....going into this recovery process.
.
I had been bedridden for a long time prior to getting off pain pills.  My body was truly unable to shower, go for walks or anything else.  I watched the clock incessantly.  I used to take my pills by the clock even tho I was taking two 10mg lortabs every hour!!  So the clock was what I watched......I was unable to read, concentrate, hadn't typed on a computer for 2 yrs, and didn't know WHAT to do with myself?.  You have the advantage of a lot of good experience here......what works for each one of us.  You will NOT be judged as you have found out.  
Each of us have a different history, age, drug of choice, etc. but our struggles and patterns are pretty much identical.  Nothing works the same for each and every one of us.....but the pitfalls are pretty much the same.

I hear the immensity of the love betwn you and your BF.  IMO, he WILL know anyway......and it will hurt him to think you don't feel safe trusting him with your truths, struggles, burdens.....that you are deceiving him.  The deception will hurt him way worse than the truth.  Sounds like he truly has an understanding and forgiving heart.....he will surprise you.
And if he is even a little bit "aware".....he'll know something is not right with you anyway.  I sure hope you choose to cry, share and love on him.  My hubby has stood by my side thru a lot of very difficult times......my lack of honesty is the MAIN thing that has hurt him.  I am a very direct, brutally (at times) honest person.  Anytime I was deceiving him.......it was connected to these addictive pain pills......then he became cautious and didn't know if he could trust me!  I hated that.....and who I had become.
It only put distance between us.....and I SO needed his love.

When I was in the throws of my w/d's.....since I didn't know WHAT to do,
I just simply did what I could.  I "listened" to a variety of things that helped me....I couldn't read or concentrate or process information yet....
I would lay with a body length hot pad on top of me and surrounded myself with pillows.  I started a little notebook by my bed that I wrote down my symptoms in......then I could look back and see what was getting better each and every day. (that little notebook has come in real handy even at 123 days clean......I re-read it and am SO grateful.......I AM progressing even tho it doesn't seem like it some days)
Even if it was only ONE thing.......I knew I was going in the right direction.

You CAN do this girl!!  And you are open to NA which is a fabulous plus for you.  The world is literally full of addicts......many of us find something to "do" that masks our feelings.......the obvious ones of drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol, but then cigs, food, gambling, sex, cutting, shopping spending && that is not there to spend....and on and on.

What I realize now.....is I get to choose what to replace one behavior with for another.  Is it healthy?  In excess does it harm me?  or my loved ones?  You know there is a lot of judgement of drug and alcohol addicts....also a small group I went to thru my church (don't go anymore) were full of BIG time judgemental people both male and female... about my nicotine addiction.  People can and will make you feel like yours is worse....sometimes.....but as we grow, love and strengthen ourselves....we realize many people are in a similar boat....they just are in denial about it.  (oh yeah, work.....workaholics can destroy themselves and their families)  My dad was an alcoholic and a workaholic so I NEVER saw him growing up.
Because it is such a normal and typical way to deny a problem, many say "well, I don't USE or DRINK that much!"
The answer I heard for that comment was powerful.....

"A man drank 3 times in his entire life.  The 1st time he lost his leg.....
the 2nd time he lost his wife......and the 3rd time he lost his life"

I'll quit runnin off at the mouth......sorry about that.....just so much inside of me that gushes out......You are in the right place.
AND JUST FOR THE NEXT FEW HRS.......AND THEN THE NEXT FEW after that.....you WILL SUCCEED!
Blessings to you!    
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Just got a call from my dad. He has cancer. My mom passed from this 3 yrs ago, I'm 27, the thought of both parents being gone before I'm married or have kids is devastating. TALK ABOUT A FRIGGIN TRIGGER!!! gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr  
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I'm reading everyone's posts over and over and over. While I can't respond to each one cuz I feel like shiz, they mean the world!!
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I'm so sorry to hear that, but don't let it be a trigger. It is a motivation. He needs you to be you and you need to remember this time with an open heart and clarity. It's more important to get clean than ever. I really hope everything turns out and you have the strength to respond with love and sincerity rather than escape. Like I said in my first post to you, "Addicts are some of the most amazing, loving, generous, people on the planet." Pull up that goodness and be with your dad as you are, as you want to be. You can do it. Surrender this to your Higher Power.
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Ahhhhh you are SO right!
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The fact that you Dad will be on pain meds for cancer can be a major trigger . Please be careful.  ;)  
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Hi Teej ,  I am a father . I had cancer and needed my family . I got thru it with their love and support . needed them .
Dr's fight cancer today with new drugs . I am proof cancer can be beat ...Ron
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Survivors are SO COOL!!

Warriors and winners!!
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I know the first thing you want to do is grab a couple of pills to numb yourself, I understand. BUT, that lasts how long, an hour tops, then what? You crash and sadder than before and probably mad at yourself for caving! You can do this! Stay strong honey! I know you are scared about your dad and I can imagine especially your mom losing her battle with cancer but know, cancer does not always mean death! So much treatment and meds, works miracles! What type is he diagnosed with? Hang in there sweetheart! The day is almost over! Another one bites the dust!!! Keep it up!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Please please please don't go back to the pills. Uve come so far and it would be the worst decision ever. Ur life will become sooo much better just give it a few more days I promise it will be the best decsion u ever make in your life. Your bf deserves the old you and he will understand that your doing this for the both of you. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. This is gods way of testing your true willingness to get clean. Prove to him and yourself that you are not going back to the drugs. U will be stronger and better fit to be there for your dad. We are alll here for you night and day. Do not give in. Please. PM if you want to talk anytime.
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I know how you are feeling....about not wanting to tell your boyfriend....the worry and shame.  I was the same way.  I just want you to think about talking to him...or somebody else who is close? But if he is your best friend, think about it.  It was so hard, but when i told my husband, it was like the weight of the world on my shoulders was lifted.  It was such a huge difference to have his love and support.  Especially with this new development of your father being ill....it is a lot for you to deal with alone.  I was only able to begin dealing with my addiction wholeheartedly after I opened up about it to my family.  It really helped so much to not have to keep that secret any more.  You need support from your loved ones, so please think about talking to your boyfriend.
You are doing so well... you have reached out here, and have gotten some great advice and support...you are moving in the right direction:)
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I read your post this morning and you have been in my thoughts ever since.  I didn't have the state of mind to read through everyone's comments but I am so glad to see you getting such a good response from everyone.  You are an addict but definitely not a bad person honey.  In fact I think addicts are usually very good people that have a very hard time dealing with bad things so we self medicate.  It sounds like your husband really is a great guy and if he fell in love you then he must see something equally great in you.  I am only on day 4 so I can't really claim to be able to give great advice right now.  I will just say that I believe you can do it.  Congratulate yourself for every thought you have that is anti-drugs instead of beating yourself up over the drug seeking, addict thoughts.  I am figuring out that those take "training" to get to shut up.  :)
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You need to remember that addiction is a chronic recurring illness. Your man sounds awesome and you need to trust in the relationship and the bond that you have. You clearly don't want the drugs in your life anymore and you clearly want him. I suggest to come clean. I have NEVER heard of anyone saying "I am glad I kept that hidden" or anything like it. Good luck and you have my complete empathy. I lived a lie for so long in a similar position to you and I lost everything. I just wish I had turned to my partner. Mail me anytime if you need to talk
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Hi Teej! I know your struggling now emotionally and from first hand experience, I know how devestating Cancer can be to a family, but like some others have said it is a trigger, but you have to fight it! DONT let it win. It was my last trigger when I was clean, I gave in and my addiction spiraled drastically out of control! Your father needs you more now than ever, and needs a SOBER you.

Stay strong and keep fighting! Your doing great!!
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How are you feeling and what are you thinking today? The lack of sleep and sick starts to play tricks with your mind. Stay with us and keep posting.
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"Hello, I discovered this website, by chance, and I believe it was fate." You said it. Let us know how you are doing, no matter what happened. If you are sick, if you used, doesn't matter, don't leave us wondering how you are? A couple words will do. I'm high, I'm okay, anything, just stay with us. When people get their blood levels down and then use what they used to is when people overdose, please keep us posted.
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Teej,
many people on here pulling and praying for you. You're not alone. Hang in there.
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Just checking back in wondering how you are doin.I know kicking drugs is hard we all have done it.I am pulling for ya
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Hi Teej, I just wanted to check in on you. You motivated me to get going and get through my Day 1 and so come on back. Nobody here will ever judge you or condemn you no matter what. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.
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Just checking in to see how you are doing~
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Avatar_m_tn
I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery.  I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am.  I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA.  But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away.  And for a while everything was ok.  And now, I just don't know any more.  I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem.  Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking.  I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again.  Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok.  And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it.  That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more...   as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
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Avatar_m_tn
I know this is a rather old post and I hope by now you are well on your road to recovery.  I am sat here reading this crying my eyes out as I am in a similar situation and feel lower than low... right now I would say dirt is more worthy of happiness than I am.  I too struggle with addiction, and have had some clean time thanks to rehabs and NA/AA.  But a year or 2 ago, after yet another relapse, I did the opposite of what was suggested, I was fed up with the program and feeling like a failure and walked away.  And for a while everything was ok.  And now, I just don't know any more.  I have a job, my family, a nice home, a lovely boyfriend who all, for the most part, think the addiction is just a part of my history but not a current problem.  Well I am here to say the addiction is very much alive and kicking.  I go 2 months or so swearing it off then the urges take over and before I know it I am high once again.  Im really struggling with trying to keep up the facade of being ok for fear of losing everything, but fact is I am not ok.  And this charade has ultimately resulted in incredible loneliness, having no one to speak to about it is the worst. I've just today signed up for a local service to get some treatment, something outside of working hours.. and am considering giving NA a try again even though I despise the thought of it.  That being said, I despise the idea of losing everything, possibly even my life, more...   as I said. I hope you are better and things are going well for you. All the best, you are not alone.
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