My dad is an alcoholic

Growing up, my dad was a great with us kids, & was a great husband.

But he encountered some tough times, and was depressed, & started drinking a LOT when we were teens. A few times, caused a HUGE fight. There was screaming and crying and things being said. Then the next morning my dad would apologize, and we'd be fine for about a year until he did it again.

One of the timess he did this, I was 20. He got drunk and started a screaming match which ended up with feelings getting hurt, and my dad saying some pretty awful things and me getting a face slap from him. Then, of course, once everything calmed down, we all went to bed, and he apologized in the morning.

2 years ago after I wsa married,a bunch of drama happened in my family and he was depressed again. I went to the house when he was the only one home & he was drunk.We ended up in a huge fight.This was the worse one ever.I was angry, and I was by myself. He busted my lip when he backhanded me,& my hubby almost kicked his ass. The cops were called, and my mom kicked him out of the house. He stayed with my grandparents for 2 weeks & i didn't speak to him for about a month. My mom almost left him, but he went to counseling, agreeed to no drinking, and moved back home. We have since made up, but he's slowly started casual drinking again. Not getting drunk, but having a couple drinks none the less. This bothers me so much, and I HATE to see him with any kind of drink. We've tried to move on, but the hurt i have with him is so great, it's been so hard for me. I can't tell him how I feel. Will I ever get over it?

[lucylocket2]

I am sorry to say, you will never get over it. I haven't and I'm 29. I know how ya feel and it's a hard thing to deal with. I have terrible memories from it. It has caused me a lot of problems as an adult. I can't tell ya how to fix it, cause I'm still trying to figure it out. I have a problem with my memory. My brain has gotten used to blocking things out, so now I can't remember anything! My friends will be talking about something huge we did years ago ,and I don't have a clue what they are talkin about. They understand and tell me again, but it really hurts me. My dad still drinks. He has shot my mom and hurt all of us. She is fine now, but will never be able to straighten her arm. I wish I could help you though. I stay away from my dad when he drinks. He knows not to call me or come around my kids. If he is sober he's fine. A good man. Drunk, he is evil. A totally different person. Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel? Tell him not to come around you if he is going to drink. Maybe you telling him will make him understand. At least it will make you fell better. It may take a while, but just keep away while he's off the wagon. I'll pray for you.

[dcdre14]

Sit him down and tell him point-blank that he has to be 100% abstinent. No excuses.

It may be tough and it may be awkward, but life is too short.

[glad2bamom]

There is hope!!!

You just described my life, completely.  And last year, my dad was 59 years old...he finally hit the bottom.  It is sad to say, but sometimes, you have to let people choose their own roads.  The best I can tell you is to just love him, and be there for him, because the bottom will come eventually.  My dad spent time detoxing and in rehab, and has been clean for 1 1/2 years...no alcohol/drugs at all!  He sees the difference in his life, and has no desire to go back.

I know its hard to be patient, but as much as you wish for someone to change, they won't until they're ready.

[Aruba417]

Lucy, you are so right about them being completely different when they're not drinking. I used to hold him on the highest pedestal. I looked up to him because he'd gone through so much but still continued to be an awesome, loving, Christian father and husband. I look back to when I was 15 and THAT'S the dad I want to always remember. But right now, even though he's been nothing but good to me the last 2 years, I just still can't get over it inside.

I can't discuss it with him, unfortunately. He's really hard to talk to when you think HE'S wrong. He's very stubborn and has a lot of pride. It will just cause a fight. He's not getting drunk now, but it still makes me extremely uncomfortable. It takes all I have to not start screaming at him for having 2 BEERS.

I wish you would have told me I'd get over it some day (ha ha!)...but I know you're right...I won't. This is the first time I talk about it with someone other than my sister and husband. They feel the same way i do (about the few drinks he has). But my other sister and my mom (the ones still living with him) seem to not mind. My mom will enjoy a beer or two with him. But I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO SEE HIM WITH ANYTHING!!!! Too many bad memories for me. Thanks for the prayers!

Dcdre, I would LOVE to talk to tell him how I feel. But I am 100% positive it will cause a fight between us. He's so, so stubborn and impossible sometimes!!!!

[lucylocket2]

I wanted to add something. I don't know if your all Dad's are the same, but i thought I'd ask. My Dad is a man's man. He "says" if a man can't sit down and have a drink, he not a man. Dad has bad depression problems. He was always a huge man. Body builder type. he is known in my area as the "badest man around". He was an excellent fighter. Not a mean man. He hates others to be picked on.He loathes bullies.  He is very generous, give ya the shirt off his back. He buy's strangers kids Christmas, pays less fortunate's bills for'em, helps everyone around really. My daughter told him one day that a little girl in her class wore boy's clothes all the time. They were really poor. He went to the school the next day with 3 huge bag's of clothes for her and left it in the office. He never wants people to know he does the stuff, so he just leaves thigs on people's porches. He went to a trailer park and built them a ball court, swing set, and loads of toys.
   So, why does he drink?? I don't get it? He only drinks at night. He will sit all alone and drink till he passes out. Every night! brown liquir mixed with coke. People that don't know him, would never think it of him. He is still depressed over he and my mom splitting up. 26 YEARS AGO! He thinks ya have one love and that's it. Never will remarry. I am really worried. His liver is in bad shape. His stomach is HUGE now. Hard as a rock. Like a pregnant belly. What kind of men are ya'll dad's who drink?

[Grog]

I was married to alcoholic for 15 years and was physically and emotionally abused..divorced him 4 years ago and have new lease on life.  I have 2 kids about your age.  They are dealing with their alcoholic/drug addicted father now.  Over the years he has done many hurtful things to them and the story is about the same as yours.  This is where I found help.  I went to some Alanon meetings and some open AA meetings on my own to understand the addictive personality.  There is an excellent book called addictive thinking which helps the "victims" with appropriate behavior and boundry setting.  I now attend a group called "Coda" which is Codependency.  All addicts are codependents but don't all codependents become addicts if they get help in time.  My end stage codependency looked like this:  I was hitting the gym 7 days a week 2 hours a day.  I looked fantastic but was addicted to exercising which look very acceptable to society.  I now go about 3 times a week and still look goood and have a life.  My particular group is in the Richmond Virginia area and is called "Women's codependency support group".  Help is available and it is nice to be in a venue with others who "get it and understand".  BEst of luck to you

[Aruba417]

Thanks to all of you who've shared your support. I really appreciate it.

This is how my dad is: He is a Christian, who was very involved in his church growing up, and taught us good morals and family values and spent lots of time with us kids. He knew when to say he was sorry and was never really the Man's man type guy. He was in law enforcement, and saw a lot of bad stuff, so this is when he started going out with his buddies and would get drunk. He did this just a couple times that I could remember when I was a very young child. Then he quit going out altogether, thank God. And it was never an issue again.

He was a strict, involved father who went to all our basketball games, baseball games, and piano recitals. He was diagnosed with a non-fatal illness that effected his career and life, and was forced to retire do to medical issues. This when he became depressed. The disease effects his brain, and this causes his personality to change as well.

The one thing that he'd always done was drink 2-4 drinks a week. That was never an issue. And it was always at night, with his dinner. Then suddenly, the older we kids got, the more he started drinking, and soon he was drinking to get drunk. But the "blow-ups" only happened a few times.

He's back to drinking very little, but it still makes me upset to see...and it's almost as if he will break at any second and start the process all over again. It's like walking on eggshells around him. You can't even kid around with him the way we used to. He gets angry so easy. Even when you know you're right about something he did or said, you have to shut up and just agree with him to avoid a fight. I love my dad so much...but it's really tough to be around him sometimes. And I know it's VERY hard on my mom...but I almost feel like it's her fault. She started letting the liquor back in the house. And they go out and have a good time together. He's not "mean" drunk anymore. But when he does drink too much he's "happy" drunk. I guess that's better, but I still hate it...

[Grog]

Try to find a Codependency group or Alanon group for yourself.  It will be a great support for you as others are going thru the same thing.  A lot of alcoholics have good qualities and are good citizens in society.  These groups will also help you with boundary issues.  The alcoholic will find a way to drink whether the spouse/kids allow it in the house or not.  These people are adults and will quit drinking when they acknowledge that they have a problem and not because someone points it out to them.  As his adult child, you can set boundaries on the kind of relationship you will have with your father and how his drinking will affect that.  If you visit with him and he gets "out of hand" or you find that you are "walking on eggshells (no one should live that way) then you can say "it is time for me to leave".  When he is sober you can lovingly tell him that when he drinks it upsets you and you must leave.  You are protecting yourself and letting him know that you have boundaries....it is up to him to adjust his behavior when you are around if he wants a strong relationship with you; if not then it is his choice and you have done what you need to do for yourself.  God Bless.

[Aruba417]

Thank you...I really appreciate it. I will take yours and everyone's advice here! I'm glad this forum opened up! God Bless!

[sam335]

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[54654]

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