My day 5 off OXY. Plus some tuff future decisions.

So day 5 started OK. I slept about 70% of the night. I woke up feeling pretty decent finally. So after my long snow removal success last night I thought I was getting strong. So this morning I decide to take my wife out to breakfast this morning. Well remember it's like 3 here so freezing. Anyway that got me weak instantly. And when I got to the restaurant I felt AWEFULL. I did force myself to stay and eat. I had to run to the bathroom in the middle of it all and mostly sat at the table with my head on the table just beat down. So as far as that goes yeah not so good yet. But it is getting better. I have not had a mental meltdown today yet wooo hooo! And
With no klonopin yet either.
So those of you that guessed my job as being in the medical field were 100% on the money but that's only the half of it. I work for one of the largest pain management centers in my state if not THE largest. And I play a big part in the day to day dispensing of every type of pain medication under the sun. I see just about every patient and work hand in hand with the doctor that runs the place. It's ALL we do is pain medication :(. So this is what I am facing when I go back. Totally having It brought up and in my face all day at work. Now before you say just quit keep in mind I live in a state that has the highest unemployment rate in the country. And good jobs are hard to come by.  Very hard. But I'm no dummy my last job I was vice president. It's just tough finding work. But honestly I have not applied myself since my recent love for pills. I know there are dozens of people that work there that are not addicted but that's not me and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage going back when I do. Anyway there it is.  Day 6 starts at 6:00 for me today. Peace all. And thanks. I'll be in touch.

[faith_hope_love]

Wow Back that is crazy...no wonder you have relapsed.  Any of us would have eventually.  I hate the thought of you having to go through this again if you broke down to temptation.  That is not a nice thought.

I will keep praying for you but man, I would scared to go back there...you are not superman.  And the unemployment, totally understand that...it is bad here to in Florida.  My son needed a job so desperately that he drove 2 hours there, worked 10 hours and drove 2 hours home for a while until he even got laid off from that but now he is working full time again.  

I am glad to hear that your doing better mentally and physically!

[Back2Me]

It's bad in Fla too huh? I thought it was a little better down there. In fact I hope ( prey) I am going to be able to make this trip down to Jacksonville to see the Michigan bowl game. My plan is to be there for 9 days but I'm nit 100% sure I can do it. I would be leaving christmas eve and leaving back  Jan1  driving. I even kicked around the idea of looking for work while I was down there :(

I really don't want to go back but I make good money. Its not like the pills are THERE but man just dealing with them ALL DAY LOOOONG.  Yikes. And before when I relapsed I never had a job there. This would be the first time sober there. Hey I think me and my wife are going to a meeting tonight!!! My very first one!  If it's not closed due to the snow storm.

[ctblues]

hey b2m, I am still learning this site. I was wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear your still hanging in. I am too. Ending day 6 at midnight tonight. I hear ya about being emotional, crazy. Where you work will be tough initially, I think once you get strong you will look at it differently. I live next door to my ex-supplier. I see him coming and going all the time. Tomorrow would be my regular 9AM 2 week supply. I feel good where we are, We have to do this.

I was at a point where I needed to increase again...when does it stop...NOW.
Take care, really glad you are still in the fight. ctblues

[faith_hope_love]

Yes, the unemployment rate down here is pretty bad..although you might could have a better shot with your education and experience.  I tell ya, I don't see how ya'll deal with the cold weather...it's gonna freeze here again tonight and that is miserable for us...lol!  In fact, I still have never seen snow..one of these days.  Just so glad I don't have to shovel it.  
That would be great for you and your wife to go to a meeting.  What does she think about the dilemna of you being surrounded by pain meds. everyday?  I don't think I could do it.  I mean, I am not even craving pills right now, I feel like they are straight from hell even.  I was sitting outside today just asking God to please keep me healthy and pain free so I am never tempted to get any.  That has been my main downfall is dealing with pain but this time I closed my business (cleaning svc) for GOOD!  That is what kept me in pain, the constant hard labor on my back.  

So, I will be searching for a job at 45 starting early next year and I am very nervous about it but I know I have to.

[Ballgame]

There was a lady who worked at the same kind if place. She turned herself in and DEA was investigating.  Anyone know what happened with her?

Anyway glad you're feeling better. But time to get a new job. Not safe for you there

[calimatt27]

congrates on the 5 days man thats awsome...i was on oxys and vics and xanax and when i detoxed in march of this year i was sick for almost 15 16 days straight but thats because i did it cold turkey deffiently tha hardest thing ive ever had to do....but i am 10 months clean now and feel like a 27 year old again...but if ur workin at this pain management place then it could be trouble....u hang out in a barber shop eventually ur gonna walk out with a hair cut thats how i tend to look at things now...anyways man ill keep u in my thoughts and prayers....god bless

[Back2Me]

Thanks all. It's going to be tuff there no doubt. Plus that place and the type of work causes my back to hurt I think.

[Ballgame]

Sure beats working at National coney!

[tired_of_oxy]

I've been following your posts and just want to say congrats on taking your life and freedom back! I'm getting ready to jump soon and reading about success in getting off the pills gives me some hope that I can do it too. Although I must admit, there's a part of me that feels hopeless and thinks people that get off pills are able to do so because they're different then me, they're stronger, not as ****** up emotionally etc etc.

I'm trying to change my ways of thinking and try to picture myself as one of those people who kick the pills and stay clean. It's a stretch but living like I am is not a future I want. Your strength and determination are inspiring and although I know the wds were hell for you I'm so happy that YOU DID IT!! You helped strenthen my resolve tonight to get off the damn pills for good.

Please stay strong. I'm gonna come and find you on here that first week in January and hope you will help me through the detox process. I'm dreading it (will be 3rd time detoxing in 2 years) but hey as the saying goes "third times a charm" I really hope so!!  Hats off to you and kudos to you for enduring and emerging clean from what's gotta be the most godawful experience a person can have - opiate wds of course! Peace and happiness are yours now. Must feel great!

[gnarly_1]

HEY dude congrats on day 6....that whole job thing is going to be a real mindscrew for you
is there any other dept you could work in where the pills are not right in your face
ive been claen 420days and I dont think I could do that....it drives me nuts when my wife has a script of pain pills in the house and thats after I tell her to hide them...im not saing it cant be done its just going to set of cravings and make it hard on you....have you looked up any meetings in your area yet??? anyway your doing great so far hang in there get to a meeting it will help you out with the mental part of this thing....I wish you all the best in your recovery
good luck and God bless......Gnarly

[Back2Me]

Hi tired thanks for the support today in my b-day AND I'm clean! Day 6 is almost done! Today is still very emotional and I don't feel Awsome yet but getting better little by little. Tomorrow at 6:00 I will have completed an entire week! I will look for a meeting tonight I did not get out last night. Kind of had a mental attack at a grocery store and had to come home. I am supposed to go
Back to work tomorrow or Thursday. Well see how it goes. But you can do it if I can trust me I am a biiiig chicken when it comes to wd. The biggest. I hate it worse than anything.  But once your out of the woods it's worth it. Thanks again gnarls. And hey whynwait until Jan?  Just think if you stopped today you would be CLEAN by Xmas. How cool would that be!  But I'll
Be around when you do decide to do it. I gave myself a deadline by my BD and stuck to it! Goals help.

[bmdad]

Congrats on a soon to be 7 days clean!! That's great! It's a lifelong battle and one that we have to fight through almost everyday. It does get easier as time goes by but can nip us in the butt even years down the road. I personally feel the first 6 months or so seem to be the easiest. As time goes by we tend to forget how hard of a fight it was to get to where we are at now. We think we are now strong enough to take a few just for the day. That's when we end up right back where we started. The more changes we make in life, the better. I'm sure you've read it on here a million times where we need to cut off all ties with pills such as people and places. I have a buddy I served in the Marine Corps with that lives in MI so I'm somewhat familiar with the unemployment rate up there. You are in a tough place right now. But like I mentioned above, I feel it can be tougher down the road. At first we have so much motivation that someone could put a pill in our hand and we may or may not take it. But when we are not thinking about using is usually when it gets us. With your credentials I bet you'd be surprised about what other jobs may be available to you. What not start applying at other places and see what's out there? Get a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of your job. From reading your posts I can see you already have two cons. One is being around pills all day and everyday and the other is it makes your back hurt. The older you get the more your back is going to hurt. The more you are around pills the higher your chances are at a relapse. One of the pros is the money. We have to have money to survive but I'd be willing to bet you could find another job and make about the same. You have to ask yourself too, "is upping my chance of relapse and dealing with back pain worth the money?". There are some people that will say a relapse for you is inevitable. I don't know if I think that but I guarantee your chances are higher than someone that has cut off all ties. But it is easier for some to cut off all ties because it doesn't have to do with making a living. You're in a tough position and wish you had other options. There may be other options out there but you won't know unless you look.
That's my take on the situation. When you go back to work put your boxing gloves and be ready to fight. You can do it if you put your mind to it but it's not going to be easy. Is it worth the cravings? Is it worth the stress? It's not only going to effect you at work but also at home. Just weight those pros and cons.
Congrats on all that you have accomplished so far! You keep fighting and never take one clean day for granted.
Best of luck to you!

Brian

[Back2Me]

I know for a fact i won't be working there a whole lot longer. And I am going to do exactly as you said. I am going to start looking aggressively next week. Putting the word out you know. I already know I don't want to stay there. I can't. The medical field is not even close to my profession I just fell into that job last year. I was already WAY addicted before this job. I have had a pretty rough few years and looking back SOME of it was self inflicted. I found the pills. The made me EXCEL at EVERYTHING they were amazing and made me me able to do anything. And I did. And I got WAY too ahead of myself and felt indestructible. I even lost like 100lbs and only while taking them very sporadically. I finally had the energy to do what I wanted.  Everything I wanted. Then they gave me a superman complex and it all crumbled. THEN the bastards stopped working! You all know the deal.

[faith_hope_love]

Happy Birthday Back2!   I hope you have had a great day and have a happy tomorrow!  Night! :)

[Back2Me]

Lyn! I just posted above about today thanks for the birthday wishes! I am feeling much much better today. Thanks again for being there. I'll be in Jacksonville in about 10 days for about 10 days and for a big part of that time I am going to be scouting jobs down there. Let me know if you hear anything. I know it's tight but it's tight here to. We are already lining up apartments to rent and the houses are crazy cheap! But I'll need to find emoyment. Anyway one thing at a time. And now it's staying cleAn!!!!

[faith_hope_love]

Ok, I sure will,  Jacksonville is HUGE!  You should be able to find something.  I bet one thing you and your wife would love is the beaches..so awesome.  Only thing ya'll would be shoveling here is sand to put in your beachpail..lol.  I will check around for you.  What kind of work do you prefer?  Tampa is a good city too to look for jobs from what I hear.  

[faith_hope_love]

Here is one place to start - https://www.employflorida.com/

[Back2Me]

I have experience in quality management iso9001 general manufacturing management, web and graphic design, computers, office work, forklift , packaging design and most recently a doctors assistant. So yeah. Wiiiiiiid variety there. :)

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude Happy birthday and your clean and sober for this one....last july I celebrated my 48th and the first one sober in 16yrs it felt great I hope it does for you to....Florida rocks to live in I was there in my 20s we had our first son there lots to do the fishing is great
I hope you can relocate and start your life over I did it 14yrs ago when I came to Arizona
now all my kids have put roots down so where here for good glad to here your feeling abit better keep adding days band get to a meeting.........Gnarly

[Ballgame]

Amazing that it's takes a week just to start feeling better. That's a long time when you're in it. Good job
I grew up in MI and still have most of my family there