My friends i failed... what now?

I did it, I was cleaning out my truck and found 2 percocet, I took them so quick I didn't even think about it... I cannot believe I did that... What do I do? I'm just shocked and mortified, 21 days down the tubes... I can't believe I'm even posting this... oh my...

[MV77]

So glad you did post because we are here to support you even when "oopsy's" happen!  

You have been here supporting me and I will do the same the best I know how.  You made a mistake and you are aware of it and that is a good thing.  

Keep positive and you will get through this.....  : )  

[kimbo546]

Awww.. Pick yourself up, start fresh. Dont take anymore! Are you involved in any aftercare programs such as NA? Dont get to down on yourself. Keep posting. Kim

[vicki595]

This is the pitfall of trying to get clean without a plan in place. You need structured support and a plan for recovery from pill addiction. Now you know...and I'm sure you'll do everything differently the next time. Don't give up! Sometimes this needs to happen to convince you that you can't do it on your own!

I'm not shocked but I know how you feel and it's a very crappy feeling. Start again. Whatever you do,don't look for anymore or you'll feel physically terrible,as well.

Pick yourself up and go from here. You'll do better now that you've learned how cunning and controlling this disease is. You'll be okay. Just get a plan!

[IBKleen]

Dulth,

Don't even begin to hang on to "what if's" or "I should have" or any of that. It is over, it is done. the most important thing right now is that you pick yourself up and get back on the wagon. You need to learn from this and you really, really need to do something different.

All you did for three weeks was hang on. that could not have been comfortable for you and I heard you continually struggling with cravings. It does not have to be like this but you are going to have to listen this go round and get the help you need. It is not enough to just put the drugs down. You need to make changes and you cannot do it alone.

We're here to support you and I hope you start working a program of recovery and get through this.

[dominosarah]

This is why we talk about recovery care so much.  Now dont beat yourself up over this.  Grab yourself by the short hairs and come back fighting.  I know you have been having cravings so try and identify what is triggering these.  We never fail as long as we keep trying.......sara

[jeffclowns]

keep your head up man and continue the fight ,everyone's here for you bro and we ain't going to give up on you ,your a great person and talking with you these last few weeks has been awesome ,be strong and stay positive duluth really don't let this mess with your head ,i am rooting for you ,god bless you.jeff...

[duluthguy]

I just am so unbelievably tired, I cannot understand why I would even THINK of popping them things... I have to go tell my wife now... There was no good feeling, no "up", just made me tired and now sad... I am so thankful that I have you all on here, what would I do without my dear friends?? Will I go through WD's again? Thanks u all, I feel like I just let down the world...

[MV77]

There you go.....you got a bad feeling from them and that will help you figh this fight even harder than before.  Let us know how the talk goes with your wife.  

[vicki595]

Yes,you could go right back to withdrawal but I doubt it after only two...Don't take anymore. Drink fluids,eat dinner,and go to bed. Start looking for an AA/NA group in your area.  Do not beat yourself up. It's done and you got THAT out of the way!

[dominosarah]

Duluth, you only let yourself down as we understand how quickly it can happen.  Most of us have been there and that is why we always preach recovery care.  No you wont go thru wd's but you will take a beating mentally.  Hard lesson to learn but turn the negative into the positive.  Dont worry about the days, just do it one day at a time.  You can do it Duluth, i know you can!!       sara

[ImDONENoMore]

Your wife will understand as I'm sure she loves you.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.  It's okay - you'll get past this and you will keep going on.  Stay strong.

[eyeofhorus2010]

Boy, can I ever relate to that. I've started over 3 times now since August. That's why I'm so glad I found this forum. It's convinced me that it's important to develop tools to deal with cravings and that's huge but after a few weeks of being clean I don't suffer the cravings all that bad. What trips me up are those brief moments I find myself staring at them face to face and no one else knows. That's the area I need the most work on.

Don't give up now.. so far you've only tripped and stumbled but you didn't fall down completely. Stay strong and quit cleaning out vehicles. My garage is a mess but I don't dare start digging around out there anytime soon cause it'll happen to me too. At least that's the excuse I've been giving my wife for not doing it already. lol

[duluthguy]

The outpouring of support is so unbelievable i can't even comprehend it... I don't deserve this much love, I feel horrible but I had to admit it very quickly before the pills started talking. I hope I will recover from this, but I am going to go to a NA meeting tomorrow. I have never been to one of them and have no idea what to expect. It scares me just think of going there, i don't know anybody personally who has ever gone there. I don't have the idea that I'm better than anyone because you all know the truth about me, but I'm not a public speaker, the thought of telling my story in front of people gives me hives!! Can anyone help me as to what to expect there? What do I do or say? I can't fail, I have way to many dependants that need a normal dad!! I love you all...

[IBKleen]

Walk into the meetings and get a cup of coffee. It isn't bad. Find a seat as close to the front-table or platform-as you can. Have a seat. Take the cotton out of your eyes and put it in your mouth. Listen, listen, listen. You don't tell your story when you walk in, hardly anyone gets to do that. There is a lot that goes on at meetings so take it all in. Most meetings will ask if there are any newcomers. Raise your hand. Introduce yourself. Key a newcomer key tag. If they don't automatically give it to you, ask for phone numbers. They will be your life line. Men with the men and women with the women so find a group of men, introduce yourself. Get phone numbers, again.

this is your first meeting so it is all about you learning the process and the rules. they are a great bunch of folks with plenty of experience, strength and hope to share with you so take everything you can.

Remember, your mind is like a parachute---it only works when it is open. So keep an open mind when you walk through that door.....

[dominosarah]

You dont have to talk or tell your story so put your hives on vacation mode!!  Being scared is normal at first but you will soon feel right at home.  You may have to also go to a few of them to find the one that fits for you.  Sit and just listen to the others talk.  You will find out real quick that they could be telling your story.

[dominosarah]

IBK meant take the cotton out of your ears and put them in your mouth!!!  I was told that on occasion........

[Toby1863]

DuluthDude............

I'm glad you're going to a meeting. I was waiting for you to do that.
You'll be OK man. You've got soul.
NOW is the time to fight back. I've got your back if you want it covered.

Toby, stay tuned...
Here comes my clean-time WAR poem..........

[IBKleen]

What did I say? Eyes? Geez buddy, I am sorry. I think I need to get ready for beddie bye...

But you got the idea. Just relax. No one is going to say anything mean to you, at all. No one will bite. It is a very calming experience and I am sure you will feel right at home!!

[Toby1863]

For DuluthDude,
Again, I'm so happy you're going to a meeting!

Substitute the 'word' oxy, or oxys for percs or whatever the DOC happens to be at this very real moment.
This WAR poem is For you & your family.............and I know you love your family, it's time to love yourself as well, just as they love you.......

We few, we soulful few, we band of addicts;
    For he to-day that sheds his oxy with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition;
    And gentlemen in the throes of addiction now-a-bed
    Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks.....
    That fought with us upon our oxy deliverance day.

Apologies to Shakespeare.....T

[dede2121]

duluth, the good news is you only found 2 and that was it. luckily you didn't find a whole bottle of them. that would not have been good.
you said those 2 didn't make you feel anything but tired. so there you go. you dont need them. you wont have to detox from 2. just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

i dont know if you can but you should try going to meetings everynight. i have been to at least a dozen meetings since i quit. a couple times i went to 2 meetings in one day. i have only spoken once. you never have to say anything if you dont want to. i just enjoy listening. everybody has a story and i learn a little about myself from each of them. so please get to one as soon as you can. i plan on going to 90 meetings in 90 days.

big hug to you,
dede

[duluthguy]

Thanks once again my dear friends. I can honestly say I never thought I would ever touch a pill again when I quit 21 days ago. I was strong and resilient, but oh so weak and fragile. The cravings just started in earnest on Friday or Saturday, although in reality the cravings were always there just in remission. I have the best friends in the world, you all, the ones that TRULY care. Though there is distance between us, I can feel each of your earnest advice and I can even feel your hugs, i'm humbled and boy did it give me strength. I want to be just like each of you, putting up a battle when I get the cravings, and I need help. I will go to the NA meeting tomorrow because I need every bit of help available. I want to be free, come what may, whatever it takes. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I just want to give each of you a huge hug, consider yourselves hugged with an extra squeeze of love. I have new heroes in my life, each of you, I will post in the morning and as often as it takes- a new day of being pill free one baby step at a time. Pray for me.

Your humbled, fragile, weak but not broken friend....

[worried878]

Relapse is always hard...u end up right back where u started or worse,,no one knows the feeling of using and forgetting for a while how disappointed u r in urself///but it hits u now and then and u feel so doomed and depressed cos u cant control..and u use again and the feeling goes away...tis a viscious cycle

Breaking it is hard as addiction builds spider webs in ur brain which do not go away just cos u quit..the pills become like food or water if we r not careful

Relapse is so common among addicts that is is disheartening unless u take it by the ears and fight hard.  For me it was first, feeling stupid for using when I was going broke, attempts to taper unsucessfully, then a final...I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I was done..being frugal, I was losing everything..and I felt stupid...and I am not stupid and one thing I hate is feeling stupid!  LOL

I know for me, educating myself on everything I could about addiction helped tons cos I knew what to expect and why I felt the way I felt.  The health pages r full of great info!
I bought the supps in the thomas recipe and made a plan..I cut off all supply, told my doctor..exercised my 4 days off work which got longer each day and kept on.  I was excited I had quit and went to meetings every night.
Then about 2 weeks later the doomers hit me, depressed, not motivated to go to the gym..had to do rocket shots every am to go to work!  I was sinking into the couch...I was losing my entire social life cos I was so DOWN.  My physical wd was nuttin compared to this..PAWS I guess.  I used 100 plus of hydro for 5 yrs when I quit
I started craving...had stiopped my nightly meetings cos I thought I was home-free.  I was wrong as the worst was yet to come..I did not plan for this...this dreariness that overwhemed me..so I had to plan once again
I looked at the thomas recipe and followed it to the T.  For me, tyrosine helped me the most cos it gave me energy that was badly needed.  I also looked up other safe avenues to help my nrg that were non-addictive
Anyway, I got my nrg back and hit the gym daily and my meetings nightly...I made it!

it is a tough road to cleandom...it is do-able tho...as hard as it may seem,,,what u r doing now is much harder..using tears u down, it ruins ur soul..it ruins the part of u that has control and makes u who u r...worse thing for me as using also hurts those who love u as well

I can only say...if one relapses, they need to re-evaluate their plan...what did u leave out, what did u not exclude?  what coul;d u do differently next go-around?  We usually know these answers quickly yet those lil extra things are the avenues we resist
letting go is hard
And I wish u all the luck in the world

[Nicole1105]

(((Hugs))) I can relate...I've screwed up so much in the past few weeks myself. It stinks, it makes you feel like sh!t about yourself, and it makes you want to give up. But don't. Just brush yourself off and move on. These things happen. If it were easy to quit and stay clean, none of us would be here right now! :)

At least you didn't feel good or high when you took the pills. Try to remember that rotten feeling you got and keep that in your mind. Taking pills is NOT fun and it won't make you feel great. That's just wishful thinking. Now think about how good you've felt while you're clean. *That's* the feeling you want to hold on to!

[MV77]

And we are so lucky to have you as a friend also HUGS HUGS and more hugs coming  your way whenever you want and need them.  

Good night my friend and we shall talk again in the morning.  mv

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude sorry to here about finding the pills....well you cant take back the fact you used
you can let go of the guilt and shame that goes along with it...put it behind you reset your tracker and start tomorrow with day one...this is one of those times you just have to pick yourself up dust yourself off and move forward...and I agree with Sara its time like these are the reason we push aftercare....it the very way we think that needs to change to beat this thing im really happy to here your going to start doing N/A its a great program and has helped many myself included give the meetings a chance for me I was welcomed with open arms and I was comfortable right away...for some it takes a couple of meetings to get comfortable it will defenetly be worth your time...hang in there dude and chin up you can do this good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[yorba2]

Three weeks is not enough time to say you're "never" gonna do something again. There is a high possibility you will lapse back into old habits. You need to have a back up plan of action that foresees such failure for the future. As in, If I relapse I am going to do A, then B, then C etc. Plan for failure. It will help you stay on track, paradoxically.

[healthy_living]

Never a failure just a set back stAy strong and on the right path! Learn from the mistake! You can do it! Stay strong!

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Hi Duluth! First time I've been on here in a day or so cause my youngest has the flu. I've been on mommy duty 24/7. I read your posts and I'm telling you if I had a dollar for everytime I messed up these last dew years my hubby could retire. The difference is I didn't tell anyone, I didn't go to a meeting, I didn't stop at just the few I found. Don't be do hard on yourself. You're a wonderful, smart, strong, honest person. You made a mistake and Now you're fixing it. I'm happy you posted and are doing the right thing!
I told you how it's funny when you're in active addiction you wouldn't have ever found those little devils but when you're clean they fall out of the sky! Ugh. It's okay my friend. YOU ARE HUMAN. You will get through this little slip up and move forward, I absolutley believe in you. Hugs and hold your head up cause you are an inspiration to a lot of people on here including me. Now, I'm coming to minnesota and giving u a swift kick in the butt! Nevermind, I can't take the cold lol but I'm sending it over the net... :-)

[jeffclowns]

hey what's up man just wanted to check in on you this morning see how your doing ,it's funny we really don't know each other besides on here but you were on my mind first thing this morning ,funny how you develop like a family on here (be a heck of a picnic if i ever seen one a..lol....)..anyway just checking up on you to make sure your good ,can't wait to hear from you man,god bless you man..your buddy....jeff....

[Nicole1105]

This may sound insane, but I was just thinking...you went from using every day, to using only ONCE in 21 days! In my book, that's pretty impressive. Be proud of yourself!

Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not excusing the fact that you used and I'm not saying it's OK to use every 21 days. Absolutely not. We may tell ourselves that we can go back to "only doing it every so often" or "only using the Rx'ed amount" but in reality most of us can't do it.

I guess I'm just saying make the best out of the situation you're in. Don't put yourself down too much and continue to be proud of yourself. You're making great progress, now keep pushing for more! :)  

[duluthguy]

My oh my, the outpouring of support is almost overwhelming, a huge hug to every one of you, without you I would most certainly be back in the thro's of addiction... I had a meeting with an addiction counseler this morning, and am going to a NA meeting tonight for the first time. I am typing on my phone from her office right now and it's hard to navigate this site on my phone, please excuse the long breaks between responses. I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on, I love you all, thank you from the bottom of my heart! God bless

[jeffclowns]

we are with you man so do whatever you got to do it's great to hear from you duluth ,keep up the fight ,god bless..jeff

[lady67]

I can really relate to what happened.  After I got clean, I was cleaning the closet and found a few that were hidden.  I did the same thing as you, popped them in my mouth and from the time I swallowed them, I felt terrible.  We all have instances where we fall off the wagon, and the important thing is not to let it get us down so much that we go back to using.  After I did that I thought, I might as well quit trying to quit the pills because I can't do it.  Well I went back to using for a while but eventually quit.  I am so excited that in February I will have a year clean.  I will honestly tell you that a day hasn't passed that I thought about my addiction.  I can't wait until the day I just live life without thinking of it.  

You can do the same.  Stay on here, the support is overwhelming.  I have been gone for a while, but I plan to stay on here during the holidays.  They are always my biggest downfall.  Good luck to you.

[dominosarah]

Nice to see you on here and still clean!!  That is great.        sara

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Jeff I laughed out loud at the thought of a "family" picnic. Now that would be something to remember. Especially cause we just might actually REMEMBER it. Love it!
Hang in there Duluth. You'll be just fine. We r not perfect but I have no doubt you are going to win the war even if you had a tough little battle. You are going to have a very happy successful story when it's all said and done. I've always knew you were a fighter from the first post!  Hugs from Georgia

[vicki595]

A meeting with a counselor and NA in the same day.  That's good stuff. It's what you need to do...you'll see.  Just thinking about you...

Let us know how it goes...

[IBKleen]

You found an addiction counselor and had an appointment in one day???? Holy Moly!! You don't know how lucky you are. It would take, at the very least, a month to do that where I live. So take advantage of it and get everything out of it that you can.

Relax and enjoy your meetings tonight. You are going to be fine.

Let us now how it went for you and hang in there above all else!!

[throwindatowl]

Hey, DO NOT TAKE THOSE 21 DAYS AWAY. Dont do it. Im really proud of dude and you should be proud of yourself too. I hope  you are bro. Please dont beat yourself up. You made 21 days. Most people cant make it 21 hours man so you did awesome. I sure hope you havent takin anymore. I just dont want ya to get sick again is all. One time you wont get sick bro. Trust me on that one, I know. Your a smart guy. You know what happens if you take those pills back to back days. you get sick. So dont ever do that,at least. Your getting to where you need to be and that one night will help you more than hurt you. Weird I know. Was it worth it? My guess is youll say NO. Remember that the next time you wanna get some or find um! Live and learn duluth if sooo proud of you man you dont even know. You dont even know. Please dont give up and start taking um everyday or everyweek of every month. I know you wont do that.

[pillfree21]

I just want to second the comments by thowindatowel......those 21 days were huge and you should not allow this to completely wipe out that sucessful run.  That is the only drawback I have personally about counting days, because in your situation you are not really back at Day 1.  When you get knocked down, the only failure is not getting back up.  Get up dust your self off and keeping heading toward success. Overcoming addiction is truly a process.

[duluthguy]

Thanks to you all, you don't know how much I'm leaning on you right now!! I got right in to the addiction counseler with begging and tears! I think the sound of a grown man crying and I do have pretty good insurance that covered it probably helped... add to that the request to get in was from my heart, I don't want that life and this rattled my cage really bad! I want to be just like every one of you, posting my battles and going forward each day, it really hurt to reset my tracker... you all are so awesome, group hug to you all, and a big kiss to the ladies (not that kind of kiss, head outta the gutter!) Just the kind of kiss n hug that let you know I appreciate all you have done for me, thank you my dear friends!

[Nicole1105]

So glad you found more support!! Keep going to those appointments and meetings, they will save you countless times. Big hugs!!

[throwindatowl]

The glass is half full. Congrats. Those tears you talked about set you free. In a week, youll have 30 days clean, one day dirty. Always shoot for perfection but dont let a day derail ya. You got this. Its great you went and got some help dude. Your the type of person that gets the most out of it. Someone that really wants to do different.

[MV77]

Sweet, sweet man!  So glad you went to the counselor, good for you!  Hugs and kisses to you too yeah the friend kind LOL!  Glad you are still posting.....

[dominosarah]

How did the meeting go?

[duluthguy]

Ok quick update- Sorry I had to work outside today and couldn't write earlier. The addiction counseler was a bust, no wonder I could see her the same day! She had a preplanned speech that was absolutely terrible and if i interupted her she would put her hand up to stop me, then continue on with her speech. She read it from a laptop and would just glance at me from time to time to make sure I wasn't falling asleep. I did tell her a quick version of my story, but it did not fit into her speech. She did not ask what my DOC was, how long I've been off it, cravings, nothing... It was 370 bucks and I walked out of there knowing that I had shut that door for the first and last time. My wife made an appt for a diff one but its not for 2 weeks, a good sign I think!

The NA meeting was at a homeless shelter / soup kitchen, I went there with my wife, it was cold and snowing and the line was long... We left because my wife was scared, it reminded me of that book by John Grisham (street lawyer), it was not a good place to be last night. So there is another meeting in a church in a better part of town tomorrow night, I hope you all understand about missing the meeting last night...

I do  have some lingering effects from taking 2 pills, one being that I got the sweats back yest and maybe a couple mins of it today. I also was puking that night that I took them, maybe my body wasn't acclimated to them??  Not sure on this one... I was also weak, like physically, although my mind was very clear and I didn't get the emotional WD's like I did 3 weeks ago. A learning experience to be sure, and now the cravings are very strong again. I don't know if this is the result of using or the normal part of this process, but I do not have a way to get more pills. My wife straightened out her uncle on leaving pills around and he agreed to lock them up. She does not know I took them two, I just told her my cravings have been really strong and told her about seeing them pills in his truck.

The outpouring of emails and notes and messages has been unbelievable!! I knew there were some awesome people on here, but it took me by surprise at how many people truly truly care. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your love n hugs have been simply amazing, almost like a miracle, when I needed you all the most you just picked me up and carried me through! I do love you all with all my heart!! God bless you all and keep the encouragement coming!! Pray for me as well, I need all the strength I can get...

[jeffclowns]

what up duluth i am glad to see you on here being positive and just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers ,hey stinks you got sick but maybe that's like letting you know your body doesn't want them no more,so that could be a good thing ,just keep up the fight man and keep your head in the game your a great guy with a wonderful ginormous family that loves you and let's not forget your other family..your med-help family cause we all got love for you to man and want to see you succeed and i know you will so be strong and continue this journey my brother ONE DAY AT A TIME .GOD BLESS YOU DULUTH..your amigo..jeff..

[duluthguy]

Thanks man, you have been huge for me! I heard one time that we want to remain small and humble so that we can fit in each others hearts, and once in each others hearts, we grow so big that we cannot get out. I want that for myself, to be so honest and upfront that you all know me from the heart, my temptations, weaknesses, etc... That way I cannot hide anything, it all shows on the outside the battles that I have inside, and when everyone knows or can see my battles, then they can help me.... And as you all know, I need help, lots of it!! God bless!

[IBKleen]

WOW..I can't believe what I just read. First off, the counselor didn't ask you how much you took and for how long or what it was because it doesn't matter. I think you went in with your own agenda and when it didn't go your way, you left. that was probably a mistake. Then you took your wife to a meeting? Do you know that most meetings are closed? Meaning, they are for addicts only and the reason being is to protect the people who are attending them and it also allows you to work on yourself and to be open and honest without worrying what your spouse will think. It is YOUR recovery, not anyone else's. You would have also been disappointed at the meeting because you would not have heard anyone discuss their DOC, how much they took, etc. There are people that I am friends with in the fellowship, for years, and if you put a gun to my head I could not tell you what their DOC was. It has nothing to do with their recovery.

So now what? You go it alone? I am very, very concerned for you.

You are right, there is a tremendous amount of support here and advise from members who are where you are and have been where you are but you don't listen. You keep taking your will back and doing it your way. Remember that YOUR best thinking got you here. You need other people to help you STAY here.

[dominosarah]

So her uncle got thrown under the bus cuz you didnt tell your wife the truth or did you get the pills from him?   Our secrets keep us sick my friend..........sara

[dede2121]

hope you are doing ok.
i go to meetings and i would advise against taking anyone. i would never take anyone in my family because they are not addicts and dont get it.
my brother lives beside a church that holds meetings several times a week and one time he was outside and said in a very loud voice that they were a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics. it made me mad but i didnt say anything because he just doesnt understand.

[postgradpremed]

We say take it one day at a time, but then we put so much emphasis on "clean time."

It's not 24 days down the tubes...its 23 of success with 1 mistake...Over the past 24 days you hit it outta the park 23 times, that a .950 batting average.

You recognized your mistake and that will help you in the future.

If you want to start your clean clock over thats fine, but don't consider the time before it a failure.

[dominosarah]

Where you at Duluth?  I hope you are doing okay~~~~sara

[DayToTry]

Duluth,

Post and let us know how you are.  I'm worried about you.

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Duluth. Where r u? R u ok? Post and let us know that you're ok.