My friends needs some help to leave her Druggie Husband

I have a friend, she really needs as much encouragement and support as I can muster for her.  She is currently in an abusive relationship.  Not in the physical sense but in the mental sense.  Her Husband is a Crack Head and I would say Alcoholic.  Not once but a dozen times he has promised to clean up his act.....He doesnt.  Offers of rehad have been passed over with threats that he will walk out if he has to go.  He has not stuck out an outpatient rehab....   He has jumped from one job to the next leaving my friend and her three kids almost destitute on more than one occassion.  He has crashed her car more than twice whilst under the influence of drugs and drink this is her only form of transportation to work and back to earn her much needed salary... and when confronted with his actions he laughs and just brushes it off with the attitude that everybody is making a fuss about nothing....and he seems to think that he has done no wrong. His drug dealers come to the house to deliver his drugs... they recently turned up and took his car for the drug money that he owed.  Now I dont know about the rest of the world but in South Africa the Nigerians are the main drug suppliers which is the case here...if you owe money and cant pay...they will take your children and hold them hostage until you cough up if you dont pay well you can imagine... My friend has three baby girls.... My friends mother recently died in a house fire and of course my friend is taking a bit of strain and has been prescribed some sleeping tablets so as to gain a few hours sleep at night away from the nightmare horrors of her mothers death.... This SOB Druggie husband of her took this opportunity to take her savings bank card and draw her total savings out over a few days....and cracked and drank it out whilst she was sleeping every night.... She now has no cash to purchase the school requirements for her three girls to start school this week....consequently she could no longer take all that has been going on and swallowed a bottle of sleeping tablets.... myself and another friend watched her so that she did not slip off and thank god she is ok.... When I confronted the SOB about the reason that my friend had taken the overdose he again just laughed and replied "what is she worrying about it was not that much money and I have told her that I will get it back"  Bull it was a lot of money and he will never get it back..... My friend I think is scared of the unknown a single mum with 3 children is a daunting future but what kind of a future will she have with this guy..... Myself and all the friends see and hear him he is never going to do this.  He know that she will always take him back and he relies on this and when he thinks that she is being a little to serious about throwing him out he tells her straight that he will kill himself.... My friend has told me she could not have his death on her conscience....  She claims that he loves the children but I see it he uses those children and gets them to tell mummy to not throw him out.... how can a man love his children but torture their mother like this, and drug out all their school fees leaving them with nothing..... Please I need as many words of encouragement or recounts of similar stories as I can get for my friend so that she can see that she is not the only one out there and she can leave him if she truly wants to..... Please any written words of assistance would be wonderful.... Thank you

[gizzy32]

First of all by your post these children are not being brought up in a safe environment, that is the #1 and main concern right now. I watched crack destroy so many lives and by the sounds of your post, this man has 0% chance in quitting this lifestyle right now. Crack is a monster and as a cocaine addict im telling you right now, this is not fair to these children. I am not here to blame or sound like an ***, but if she loves her kids she would do something to have them safer. She is also to blame here. You must be a great friend to want to help and the best thing you can do is find a way for her to get out now. I never say that to people in a post here, but by your words these kids are in danger. That is your first step. you said she could not have his death on her consience, well what how would she feel if something happened to her kids. I hope i didn't sound mean, but this is important you realize this man is not going to change at this point

[gizzy32]

Sorry if that sounded harsh in any way, but i saw this type of thing so much and it got to me then and still does. She does not have to live in fear and there is a better life for her and her kids. I am not judging, i was a full blown cokehead for 5 years, but this man is putting them in danger.

[liscamdave]

This is horrible...she needs to get away from him before she loses those kids. Where do you all live??? Maybe if she goes and takes the kids, he will realize and get his hiney in gear....

[dominosarah]

Your friend and her children are in danger.......Do you have a Social Services in your area??  If you do call them and tell them what is going on.  She is not responsible for his actions but she is enabling him for allowing him to be there and taking him back.  He has a serious addiction and it doesnt sound like he has any plans to stop right now.  She needs to get out and get out now.  She needs to talk to someone about all of this.  Those babies need their mom and a safe home.   Keep us posted......sara

[flmagi]

This man is not caring for her or these children in any way, shape or form and she needs to do the same to him. She is a mother and must make those children her first priority.
Gizzy is right saying "she is also to blame here" and She is obviously very co-dependant. She needs to right this situation and get those kids and herself out of there and forget the crack-head boyfriend. He is where he wants to be at this time and she can't change that. But she can change her life and that of her kids.

[kjbriggsy]

i agree with everyone here. this is one of the worst situations i have ever seen on these posts. let me put it to you this way. and im not trying to sound mean or harsh just honest. she is either going to take the kids and find safety for herself and them or this will be one of two scenerios: the drug dealers will take the kids when he cant pay up or the government will and she will end up in jail for keeping them in that situation. it sounds like you are in a different country so i dont know your laws but if they are similar to that of ours here in the u.s. then you can do something to intervein. my real parents are both severe addicts my siblings and i were in a very similar situation. i myself am an addict now as well and so is my brother. just th environment alone is enough to destroy these childrens lives they did not choose to be born into this family. if you ask me the mother of those children is just as much to blame for keeping them there. if this continues and they are not killed by their fathers dealers they have a high risk of ending up on the streets ending up in the same predicament. you sound like a very caring person who is very much involved in the situation. so do what is right and get those kids help. at this point nevermind your friend(the mother) she is an adult with the ability to make her own decisions but those kids need a voice. be their voice or find someone that will be. i know this is not your responsibility, but if my mothers friend had not stepped in and taken my siblings and i out of our home when she did i truely do not know if anyone of us would be here today. this subject hits so close to home that i was literally in tears because my heart breaks knowing what those kids may face or god knows already have. for the love of god get those children out of there if the mother will not. if their was a carin person for every bad parent out their who has the courage to stand up for those kids maybe this world would not be the ugly place that it is today. those children need your care and concern more than ever now and i can only prey that they will get the miracle they need because it is obvious that their mother cannot find the strength to give them the safety that they deserve. im sorry for the length of this post and please do not think i am judging anyone- i am just incredibly concerned for those kids. please let us know what happens and what you or your friend decide to do. i will keep you and them in my thoughts and prayers. good luck.

[Jester2005]

Hi Fiona,

I can say from experience that it is hard to leave an abusive relationship...

When I was about 12 yrs old, my mom finally decided to pack up, grab me and my 2 baby brothers (1 and 3 yrs at the time) and leave my alcoholic step-dad. Now my mom barely finished high school, didn't go to college, and worked minimum wage jobs when she was employed. She also moved far away from her family as soon as she could (we moved provinces when I was 4) so she had no family support. At the time that we left, she had been a "housewife" (I hate that word) for many yrs and therefore had no current job skills, neither. BUT, what we did have was a great program in our town. We had a Woman's Shelter (with bullet-proof windows) to go to for a few days to a couple of weeks, and after that we moved into a controlled entry complex that prohibited men (not good if you have a teenage son as he can't live there, but any ways...)

From what I understand, women in abusive relationships stay because they’re afraid of change. They’re also afraid of the threats made to them by their partner. And for some, they feel that their kids deserve a dad. Well, my opinion on that is: no dad is better than a dead-beat dad! Ask your friend what she thinks their dad is teaching them? What life lessons are they learning from him? Or even better yet, she has 3 girls, right? Would she want her daughters to be with a man like him? If she doesn’t teach her kids that this is unacceptable behaviour, then they may end up repeating her mistakes. Many children of abused homes do. As for him threatening to kill himself, that’s classic manipulation. If he really loves the children, as she claims, he wouldn’t say that... nor would he use them against her, also classic manipulation.

Finally, I’m going to be blunt here and I don’t mean to offend. I’ll be honest first, too; I don’t know what I personally would do (until it happened to me, but hopefully never)… What’s worse, him committing suicide, a symptom of depression, or her daughters being kidnapped and not knowing what will happen to them?

I can only imagine what your friend is going through, and I’m sure that she is extremely frightened of what may or may not happen depending on what she decides to do. I highly suggest she speak to a psychologist or another professional to understand why she stays with him despite all the (obvious) danger.

I feel for your friend and hope and pray everything works out...



Some words of encouragement (from Google, hehe):

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."
~ Unknown

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. "
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

It's only the beginning now,
A pathway yet unknown;
At times the sound of other steps ...
Sometimes we walk alone.
The best beginnings of our lives
May sometimes end in sorrow;
But even on our darkest days ...
The sun will shine tomorrow.
So we must do our very best
Whatever life may bring,
And look beyond the winter chill ...
To smell the breath of spring.
Into each life will always come
A time to start anew;
A new beginning for each heart ...
As fresh as morning dew.
Although the cares of life are great
And heads are bowed so low,
The storms of life will leave behind ...
The wonder of a rainbow.
The years will never take away
Our chance to start anew;
It's only the beginning now
So Dreams can still come true.
~ Gertrude B. McClain ~

"A life watered by the tears of tragedy and suffering
Often becomes the most fertile soil for spiritual growth."

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can."

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
~ Alexander Graham Bell

[liscamdave]

I too was the product of an abusive environment. My father used to beat the living day lights out of my mother in front of me and my brother. And when she divorced him, her new boyfriends used to do it. I don't know why she dealt with it. She died when I was 11. But those visions and memories have stuck with me my entire life and I am sure they always will. Its very detrimental for a child to see something like that. You grow up afraid and you don't understand. She needs to take those kids and get away.

While in the middle of getting beaten on a daily basis. My mother was also an alcoholic, which sent her to an early death, but anyway, she also did and sold drugs and our house was raided and myself and brother were taken and put into foster care. It took a lot of fighting and many court dates for my grandmother to win custody of the two of us. So your friend needs to be careful. Its no fun living this way. Believe me.