My husband is detoxing-Please help me.

[emptyheart]

     I just found out yesterday that my husband of 14 years is going through the DTs from vicodin & norco. I had no idea he was even using them! I knew something was wrong because he was secretive about money. I learned yesterday that he has gone through our entire savings (which we needed to move) and that we have nothing. I was not pleasant to him. I yelled and cursed and called him the most horrible things.
     We have 3 children who are facing homelessness within 30 days. They have suffered and struggled because my husband always claims that money is tight. They have never complianed-nor have I. We just tighten our belts and move on. We used to have it all and have wathched it slowly dwindle away.
     I now face a very difficult decision. Do I let him stay and work through this or are the chances of relapse so overwhelming that I kick him out to protect my family? He, of course, is vowing that he is through and that he's wanted to get off for a long time. He says that each time he tried, he was afraid that I would find out because of the DTs so he used again. I also learned that he owes his "dealer" money for pills that were fronted to him. Boy, the fun never ends.
     I have loved him dearly for so long and I can't imagine him not being here but truthfully, my children are more important right now. Sorry this is so long but I just can't stop crying and hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare.

Thanks to all who might be able to help me...God Bless

[emptyheart]

Although things are better, the RLS seems to be back and he was feeling crummy today. I am starting to feel a lot of resentment-I just need a break which I am not going to get!  The GasX & Immodium have helped a lot (thanks!) and I really want him to feel better. He says he has no desire to take these anymore-I hope he is being honest with himself. There is something I don't understand: he says that this started because the prescribed amount of meds for his back just wasn't working anymore so he slowly upped the dose to ease the pain so he could work. I've read many posts where people talk about the "high" which he claims he never got. After a while, it just took more & more to ease the back pain. Am I just in denial or is this different that an addiction to something for the purpose of getting high.  I hate to sound stupid but I don't want to make excuses and misunderstand the problem entirely.

Thanks :)

[worried878]

I am happy that u r happy...letting go is important....this is not ur battle...u can only be there for support...we can not fix everything/tho we often want to...we often need to step back...realize that we can not work wonders...and be ok ...life is so very very short....in my line of work i c this everyday...worrying over things we can not change is a waste of nrg..a waste of life that is only here for a very limited amount of time..wasting even seconds of it can be crucial when u r in a position that u know ur life may be ending soon...we begin to die the day we r born...and God has given us this chance to be happy and positive while here on earth

support and loyalty are wonderful qualities...i am the worlds worst at being a care giver...taking on the world...but in reality we can only do the best we can...and that is all we can do...and that is the admirable...and our lives are fulfilled

[emptyheart]

Today went pretty well. He is feeling much better and is at a meeting right now. He drove himself which makes me a little nervous but I have to let go at some point. He was out doing yardwork all day and really helped me get the house ready for the realtor appointment. Today felt a lot more like the old days and it was nice. :)

[worried878]

This addiction crud has lots of "fingers"   its like a spider web that encompasses people's brain...and like ibk said..it is a deep dark secret..no one woulda ever guessed i was an addict/cept another addict/we can spot a fellow addict in a heartbeat/kinda like people from outer space  LOL(:    COL(:...and we hook up and share our dirty secret to get our drug..can become great friends do to the dirty secret we share

I am sorry the meeting made u feel down...truth is many who end up going to alanon etc have been battling this for yrs/codependent personality and such...it may not be the meeting for u...i urge to try several befor u judge..i tried over 10 til i felt at home

I am sure u r not in the mood to go to a misery session right now..listening to others pains and sorrows...a counselor may be best for u right now ..where u can vent and talk  more than at a meeting cos as a rule/some meetings have those who dominate the whole hour if no run properly..i recommend trying a few more/it wont hurt nuttin/and if ur insurance covers a counselor then go talk..do that now anyway..u need to or u wouldnt be posting here...Societies like Catholic Services/many more go by income...for me it is 10 dollars a session right now cos i am not working..do what u need to do to stay strong///keep us posted

[emptyheart]

Funny you should mention that! I just got home from the meeting and I have never felt more out of place in my life. Please understand, I do NOT want to offend anyone or imply that I am questioning the program-I know it works-but to me it was almost creepy. On the way home, I told my husband that I wasn't sure that I could commit to a lifetime of this. Now I feel soooo horrible for opening my mouth-I clearly didn't think that one through. I'm not really the "therapy type" of any sort. The thought of going to Alanon is stressing me out. Also, I have never left my 4 year old with a babysitter and he is already worried about me being sad and knows that things are not normal. Leaving him now is very hard for me and him. His sponsor wants me to go to several meetings a week and that is a bit much for me.

I still have his phone, I removed the house phone and mine is password locked. I have contacted everyone that he was buying from and explained the situation (not that they care but maybe if they know that I know, they will not want the hassle). I've locked and hidden all the keys and money. I still think that if he wants to use, he will find a way. I just pray that as he continues to clear this out of his system he will see how much better life is and that will help him stay on the right path. I will start drug testing him this week...he's totally fine with it so that will give me peace of mind.

One thing that really bothers me...I found out that many of the people he was buying from were "friends" that we have known for years. They all knew he had a problem but, "you know how bad this economy is...I really needed the money". What kind of person profits from someone's weakness? The hurts just keep coming.

[Jules1866]

Hello Emptyheart,

I think the rls should be kicking in anytime know, what was he taking and how much?

If you can afford the weekly drug test then yes you would want to test weekly, I think that I have read on this post that it only takes about 3 days to get like vicodin out of your system and drinking lots of water....ask his sponser about drug testing once he is clean so that your husband does not have the chance to sneak around the corner and get high like alot of us has done before.

You may also want to keep an eye on his phone calls coming in and out and where he is going and hanging out with. I mean you dont want to live in constant fear but for the first few months you will need to kinda watch everything going on and dont be naive....

keep us posted.....jules

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I am happy that things are looking up for you all and I pray that it stays that way.

I am going to suggest something to you and the reason why is that t is from experience.

HE needs to go to meetings for him and if you choose, you need to go to meetings for you. You both have different diseases and different issues.

We, as addicts, live a dark and secret life. That does not mean that he has done anything to directly hurt you. He may have issues that he needs to direct to the group or his sponsor. You being there will deter him from doing so. If you want to help him, let him find his own recovery program while you find yours. You can be separate and be together in different fellowships. Yours would be in the fellowship of Alanon or Naraon.

My sincere apology if you do not understand. My hope that you both will.

Best of luck to you both.

[emptyheart]

Yes!!! He is really not happy about the diarrhea! I will get him some GasX & Immodium right away. My 4 year old started his bowling league this morning and we both went to watch him. It was so adoreable and was the first feeling of normalcy I've had in a few days. I got the check from my brother and we went to put the deposit on our new place. It's not perfect but definately better than no home!

Don is very upbeat and positive about his recovery and we are both going to an open meeting tonight. I am not sure what to expect but I will have an open mind and compassionate heart and see where this leads. He is at 71 hours right now.

Thanks Again...I will post after the meeting.

[troubleinohio]

reading this thread got me teary eyed...Im sorry you are going through this...and glad to see that for now you are supporting him and see how this detox goes. Im so glad you are giving him a chance and also happy to see you are both going to meetings. THat really improves the odds!  as for the medical standpoint- has he gotten the diarrhea yet? and do you have immodium or pepto on hand? 99% of us needed that to get through WD because the diarrhea can get really bad. GAS EX may help greatly too with the pains associated with that. I know i used it and it helped so much-  he is almost 72 hours into this now right? the sleeplessness may start soon if it hasnt already.  

You have gotten some SUPER advice and support above from the other members, Im glad you found this place! Keep reading and posting!

god bless

[worried878]

keep us updated....only u know if ur support for his illness/addiction is gonna help..go with ur gut...alanonis not a bad idea..u can get the needed support for u right now

[emptyheart]

He did start working a program today. He really wants to do this. His sponsor has been around the program for a looong time and is demanding that I work an Alanon program, too. His wife has been in Alanon over 20 years...she called me tonight and is taking me to a meeting tomorrow. I know you are all right about my marriage questions-I have committed to getting him through this and then we will see.

I am going to put the deposit on my new place tomorrow morning. That will be a big stress relief for me and the kids. I am going to make tomorrow a good day...I will let you all know how it goes.

I can't tell youenough how much I appreciate all of your help. I really am a stranger to all of this and everyone's input helps to guide me along this winding path. Good night and God Bless....

[jifmoc]

I'm surprised no one mentioned this, but YOU need help and support right now.  Your husband will work through his detox etc. and YOU can get support in alanon.  Since your hubbie is a recovering alch., you may know it.  I've been on both sides of that fence, and alanon SAVED MY LIFE!!! Everyone in there is in your situation.  It's free.  I urge you to go.  I PROMISE it will help you:)  Good luck to you.

P.S.- In my opinion, you are in no position to make a decision about your marriage.  Your whole family is in crisis.  When the crisis passes, things will become clearer.  You don't need to decide something so big right now.  Take it a little easier on yourself. You just need to take care of yourself.  

[worried878]

His chances r good//well better than average if he really wants this/to be clean...btw...DTs are alcohol induced...wds is usually the term when it is drugs one is coming off of

do u know his dose before he stopped?...sub can be an option if he was on a high dose and is willing to do the work while he is on it to get clean..it will not make u clean/only help u get past the craving while he gets the aftercare he needs...is he going to any type of counseling or aftercare/meetings?  if he is not then he needs to..if he is not willing to go then he is not really ready to let go....

as far as what u should do///only u know that..if u r not working..if it were me..i would look around and get going in that direction just in case...school or training for a career or a way of supporting urself in case he doesnt make it...i know i am probably not the right person to ask, but in my experience the only person i can depend on..is me...family and friends are always there/so i exclude them..but for me depending on a man is risky business anyway/addict or no addict//in the long run it is nice to know i can take care of myself and my kids if need be

good luck...go with ur gut...and keep us postedr

[emptyheart]

Thank you so much. It helps to know that my support is going to help him in the long run. I know he is feeling so much guilt and shame right now and I just can't add to that-I'm just not that cruel. He knows how hurt I am, as you knew as well, and for now that will have to be enough for me. I know that he loves us and will do the very best he possibly can. Where it goes from there...well I guess we will wait and see.

[emptyheart]

Thank you! I am going to give him as much support (well guarded) as I can. I really want to give him the best environment possible so he will have a good foundation for sobriety. I am going to a meeting on Sunday. As for the homelessness, my brother is overnighting me the deposit I need for my new home. I have to keep the kids feeling as safe as possible and I am so grateful for his help. I have other friends who have been bringing by food and supporting all of us through this most difficult time. You suggested monthly drug testing-I was thinking weekly! Will monthly give me the answers I need or can he clean up for a test? This is all so new for me and I don't want to make any bad decisions right now. I feel like everything I do is critical right now. He hasn't had any rls yet-it's been about 51 hours. When can I expect this?

[Texanaddict]

Jules said it in a nutshell. Like my post above without the support of my wife I would probably be laying in a gutter somewhere.
She has stood by me through 2 withdrawels and to see the worry and hurt in her eyes gives me the strenght to say no everyday.
You are a wonderful wife and being by him and supporting him will mean more to him in the long run than you will ever know.
Keep up with the fight and stay in aftercare a long time.    Tex

[Jules1866]

Emptyheart,

Your husband did not grow up saying "I cant wait to be a drug addict"

Give him some time and support, you will figure out of he is quiting because of the money or because he was ready to quit.

But, once he is done with wd, you will want to attend NA meetings with him, you may want to do monthly home drug testing......just to keep him safe and you sane.

also for the withdrawals, he can do hot baths, rub him down when the rls begins, and he can purchase some valerian root to calm him.

keep posting so we can help.....jules

[ZJILLIAN]

I feel for you and must admit I am more concerned about your possible homelessness than your husband's problem. I think how he handles his problem is really more his problem. He needs to worry about the relationship, money, trust etc. not you. What he did is very very hurtful and just because he is an addict is no excuse for the harm. What are your plans? Are there agencies you can contact for support? Really thinking about you tonight.

[emptyheart]

Well, I have asked that question and he says that he wants it more than anything. He seems entirely sincere but I guess it's a matter of whether or not he continues to feel that way. Thanks for the question...it does worry me!

[leeisgettingclean]

is he only quiting cause you all are out of resources or is he quiting cause he wants to?, thats a question worth asking

[emptyheart]

I went to a NA meeting and got him the Book. He now has a trusted sponsor (26 years sober) who will be coming by at 5 to take him to a meeting. He and his wife have promised to help our family through this and have demanded that I go to meetings for me as well. I have decided, with much guidance from all of you, that I will work through this with him. I can't even imagine how hard this will be for ALL of us but we are a tight, loving family and I will not walk away without a fight!  

To: KiaKaha
Thank you from the bottom of my heart...I needed to hear that.

I will keep you all updated and hope to have him on here soon!

[Holliee]

Hello and I am so sorry for what you are going through. You need to try and have a long talk with him if your able and see if you believe what he is saying about what he wants to do. How bad off was he taking the pills how many a day etc.. Few things might help, look up or google thomas reciept, very hot showers, more sweet better, malatone(for sleep) I wish you the best luck and God Bless you>>>>Keep posting on here great place.

Holliee

[KiaKaha]

I found out my hubby was using by 'accident' as he too was withdrawing...I had never seen him so sick...it terrified me!  I took him to the ER and that's where he told me! I was absolutely devistated for our family. I too screamed and cursed at him but a couple of days later I told him that if he truely wanted to get help I would support him...he went on the methadone programme for 2 years after that...oh what a journey that has been...for everyone! He is now 3 weeks clean off the methadone and he thanks me for choosing to stay and support him as without it he feels he couldn't have done it.
I totally understand where you're at...and honestly I've had moments along the way where I've thought it would've been easier to leave but I'd stop and think...if he had cancer would I leave...if he was sick with another disease, would I leave...and the answer was always NO!
It is a tragedy that this disease has robbed you also of your life savings but together you can do this...it's of course your call...but looking back I can honestly say that love has got us through this. And I am sooo glad I stayed.   keep us posted hun...thinking of you

[emptyheart]

Well, the shake helped a bit. I will get the vitamins for the Thomas program. He seems a little better. He seems sincere in his desire to stay clean. He did run out of money but says that if he wanted the pills his dealer would front them. I think he truly wants this but have heard that his chances are not good. I am finding so much hope in all of your encouraging stories. He has asked me to get him The Big Book right away so I guess I will go find one. He is also a recovering alcoholic...hasn't has a drink in 16 years...I guess he just replaced one problem for another. I fear what might be next. Thanks for the prayers and support-it's all I have right now.