My husband is now in rehab.

[TaFaye]

O.K. I am really worried about him leaving rehab. He checked himself in Thursday June 14, 2007 (Itook him but, it was his decision to stay) He seemed to be doing well. Yesterday I went there to have a meeting with a counsler and him. I thought seeing me would make things better but, I was wrong. He called me lastnight and asked well told me to come and get him. I told him is has only been 7 days (yesterday he took his last detox pill) I tried to explain to him that if they say he needs to stay 2 to 3 weeks they know what they are doing and he needs that time to learn and heel. He and his addiction have put me and our children through hell and I can't let him come back to soon because he won't make it and I will not put our family through that again. He said "they don't really care about us they just kick people out of here when their insurance stops paying. He also said "they told us that alot of times the spouse doesn't like the person that comes out of rehab. I told him that when insurance stops paying they have no choice they can't treat people for free, and I was fed up with the old Kevin I can't see me not liking him unless he falls. Please someone tell me how to handle this and how can I answer his questions so that he will feel better about himself. Also, I have never cheated on him and as long as I am married I will do nothing of the sort, more that once he has asked me has anyone touched you or are you seeing someone, too he thinks this is fun for me and it is a living HELL

[fishmeal]

Hi Tayfe

I get this off right away so it will get to you soon... also here is my email...***@****

My first detox, I was climbing the walls and the doctor there was like a little hitler.... he just wouldn't give me anything to get calm.  and that's exactly what I needed.  I am going get this off now so that I can compose something you can take to him because it might be the most important thing you will do for him....................

so come back in a few and get the next comment that I am writing now...

[grievingwidow]

I seriously do not know how you do it and cannot say that I would be handling this as well as you are.  I am an addict too but so far my family has never suffered because of it, I know that time could come, but thank God it hasn't yet in 20 years. I guess I am thinking more like a wife right now instead of the addict that I am, but I just think it is remarkable that you have stayed with your husband this long, I really do.  He has his nerve asking you if you have been with anyone else.  I am just very sorry that you are having to deal with this, dear, I really am.  I wish there was something I could do to help.

Love, Cindy

[Tim2H]

I listed the names of people that have been to Detox (succesful) with hope that they will post to you. I am praying for you and wish I could help. I don't have any experience along these lines. Best of luck

Tim

[fishmeal]

Hi, Tafaye and hopefully to her husband.  Maybe you can print this out and take it to him???

Hey Bud,  you don't know me but this is my experience.

My first experience with detox is that I AMAed after 3 days

[fishmeal]

OK girl, maybe you can print the entire thread and bring it to him or maybe they can look it up for him there?  That actually happened while I was in..... The counselor got onto this site so we could read what my wife had written... AH HECK DO BOTH... This is a time that could make or break you family and your husband should be aware of that... It's also a very tough time for him and you...I don't think that I realized the full weight of the hurt that I put on my wife and my family at the time... I just thought I was high... so what!  The cost to the family is high and I hope he can get this right now before he leaves... I would also talk with the detox people about suboxone????  It is the drug that is helping me beyond all of my expectations.

keep us posted OK???

best
Fish

[CATUF]

My wife took a HARD line with my addiction.  If she hadn't, I'd be dead right now.

Even before I left for rehab, she had a petition with the Family Court to have me tossed out of the house and give her sole custody of our 4 kids.  She wasn't being mean, she was protecting herself and OUR kids (that's not to say I didn't call her a b-witch at the time).

During most of my four-month rehab it was a given that I was not going to be allowed back into the house.  I was slated to live in a local half-way house, to return to the family after six months IF I was still clean and sober.

I never once demanded anything or asked her to reconsider.  At first I was simply too mad at this horrible betrayal, but after about a month I saw that it wasn't a batrayal at all.  It was simply the right thing to do.

Somewhere in the third months I started thinking that I might be getting well enough to go straight home.  But by then I knew it would be horribly unfair of me to even ask or explain my position.  I had lost that right and I had a duty to make sure not just that my family was in fact safe, but that they could FEEL safe.  That was not going to happen if I returned to the home as a result of my own advocacy.

At the bigging of the fourth month I heard that my wife was considering letting me come straight home.  This was due not to anything that was said to her, but by the changes she had seen in me and my acceptance of the fact that home was not an option.  Two weeks before I was done, 108 days after I left home, she asked me if I wanted to come home instead of going to the half-way house.  I said: "Yes, thank you.  You won't be sorry."

So far she has not been sorry, but she still takes a hard line.  I'm still subject to random drug screens (had one w/i the last week) and I understand that Iam under a one strike rule.  Those tests, under that rule, have helped me in a way that I wouldn't have thought possible.

My wife takes the position that Addiction is a terrorists and that you can't negotiate with a terrorists.  Her attitude has saved my life and given me back my family.  I am very grateful for that.

[tztlady]

I think that you should really study what Catuf said and strive for that type of response from your hubby.

Please don't enable him by letting him come home.  If he is serious about staying clean AND recovering (meaning changing the way he thinks) he will stay and learn how to do it.    It sounds like he is making excuses.  Yes, there are times when spoused do not like the person who comes out of rehab,.  A lot of times its is because the damage already done is so deep that the spouse just can't get that ol' feeling back or is afraid of more pain.

Tell him not to worry whether you will like him after he is clean, at least if he is clean he's got a chance.  Tell him without recovery from active addiction you will definitely NOT take him back.  SO his chances are better if he stays put.

It sounds like he is trying to get you to believe his sob stories and excuses.  Sorry for being blunt but I've been there, not as a spouse but as a detoxee.

I only stayed for 3 weeks but got on the waiting list for a recovery home during the ;process just in case I couldn't stay clean once out of detox.  Thankfully I didn't have to go and stayed clean for almost 2 decades.   I pulled my back out and started on vikes.   I didn't let another addict in recovery help me with my doses, yeah I can say I live alone but still, I knew better.  You see we addicts believe our own lies.   Your hubby probably believes every rationalization he is saying to you but trust me, I spent many years working with addicts, it is his ADDICTION speaking.  Stick to your guns and don't buy in to it.

Best of all to you and please keep us posted.