My name is Holly & today is my 4th day clean from opiates

[hollytabor]

So, I'll chill why ya'll do a litte happy chair dance for me. Lalalalalalalalala ...... :)

I was on Vicoprofin (12-16 a day)  for several years until I went to see my surgeon who said, "Yup, your back is stil horrific and you have 4 severely degerated disks right in a row", my guess is that the quicker you had surgery the quicker you'd be back as a repeat. (Basically he thought going under the knife wasn't the right thing)

So off  he sent me to a pain management doc.   One of the first things I tell her is that I want off the opiate.  She said she doesn't think that's an even plusible idea w/ the state of my back.

Who?  You challenging me?  Bo-yah

I had OpanaERs (which, btw, don't do anything for pain) and I took the last of those Sat.

(In state of full disclosure, I had taken 12-15 hydrocodones w/ ibuprofin for the last serveral years and within the last month a new doc prescribed dilaudid - which I flushed when I took the last Opanas.

Sunday, I felt fairly okay.  Kinda crabby. Starting to get teary eyed.  No appetite.

Sunday night ....holy ****.  I have never knew true insomnia could be like this.  Desperately exhasuted and yet your body won't sleep ... it literally is hell on earth.

Monday - Has some minor diarreah, but since I hadn't eaten since Sat night, I don't think that's going to be as big of a concern.  Though I did pop two Imodioms. My biggest problem is not sleeping - your body won't let you sleep.  So I tried to trick it with herbal meds, oc sleep meds, nyquil ... nothing.  Absolutely nothing works.  So ... another night of no zzzzz

Tuedsay - First thing, I call my docs office and beg them to refill me my old Ambien meds - and cross their fingers that thye won't ask me to come in.  Because I don't think I could safely drive more than 1 mile - I am that out of it from lack of sleep.

Wednesday  - I really and truly feel over the hump.  The last few days were spent schemeing on which doctor I could call to get more meds.  And now, I'm so stinking proud of myself thats the last think I would want to do.  Make no mistake, I'm horribly tired, every time I walk I feel as if I'm covered in quicksand.  It will get better ... and I'm looking forward to tomorrow for sure!

[dominosarah]

Good job on 9 days!!  Keep it going!!  I told my pharmacist what was going on too, he still to this day asks me how i am doing!

[hollytabor]

Good morning all!

Day 9 ... pain pill free.  :-)

I've decided to just cancel my appointment with my pain management doc today.  Honestly, there's no reason for me to go and pay a co-pay just to say I no longer need prescriptions.  I bet my pharmacist is wondering where the hell I've been though!  lol

Every day I'm a little better and a little more whole ... I've been walking 1-2 miles a day, trying to eat better and taking vitamins.  

[gnarly_1]

HANG in there Holly your almost threw the tunnel back as soon as ytour up to it try to set yourself up with some form of aftercare this thing will mess with your head more then you think .....N/A is good it got a great 12step program and its free just google it in your area congrats on day 5 keep posting for support good luck and God bless.......Gnarly

[hollytabor]

Oh and BONUS!  No more counting like Rainman!

You know, how many days has it been since my last refill, when can I call for a new one, how many pills are left in the bottle divided by the amount of days that I have left til I can get a refill.

Buh bye.  Done.

[hollytabor]

So ... I just got back from walking the dog around the block - which is prettty close to a mile and I didn't drop dead.

I'm making progress. :)

I'm exhausted but I'm okay.

And I have to say, I felt so hopeless on painkillers - just making it day to day was a huge accomplishment.  It just occurred to me today while I was walking out in the sunshine that I don't feel that way anymore.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel shaky like I just had a bad case of the flu, but it's day 5 and emotionally I feel pretty great.

[tomskat]

Hi there and congrats on quitting!! I have the same issues with my back and pain mgt. I've had several epidurals and they do relieve the nerve pain for a bit. Unfortunately I still take my meds but now as direscted instead of when I wanted to (which was A LOT every day) I was on fentanyl for awhile in addition to oxycontin and oxycodone until my pcp stepped in and halted that thank God.Fentanyl withdrawls are hard. But anyways...keep us posted,and stay strong!!

[hollytabor]

Oh and I do plan on being honest with the pain doc - and that's if I go back.  I'm still mullling that over.

[hollytabor]

I was scheduled to have the epidural injection (I forgot what the medical term is) tomorrow actually - but I cancelled it.  

I just wanted to get off the pain meds and see what kind of pain I was really in - kwim?  Were the pain meds making my pain worse?  Were they really helping?  What's the truth?

The truth for right now - and that's after several days of not doing much - is that I"m pretty ok.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance (as most women do) so we'll see how it goes.

I also wanted to add for anyone reading this ... my pain doc had prescribed clonidine for withdrawls when she added opana er to the mix and she wanted to bring down my dialudid intake.  So I took a few the first couple of days and I do think they helped a bit when my hot flashes got really bad.

Day one night was probably the worst of the hot/cold flashes at night.  Covers on.  Covers off.  Covers on.  Covers off.  Still had hot flashes on Day Two but very minimal after that and as of last night, none at all

[mellie4]

That's true about pain management dropping you if there's not anything in your system.  Happens far too often even when people take what they're supposed to as they're supposed to.  You probably need to just be honest with pain management and tell them you wanted off.

I have an on-going battle with pain management about the meds.  And I won't even tell you what they had me on ... end of life stuff!  I tapered myself (NOT a good idea.)  Even though my pain contract states they'll do urine tests, mine never has (in years), at least with me.

They also don't think it's a good idea for me to come off (and my primary care doesn't either,) but I'm at a point where I'm very close to taking it "as needed" rather than by the clock.  Because of being ill and in the hospital and them switching my narcotic, I think I skipped the withdrawals from the oxycodone they had me on (couldn't keep it down.)  (Or else while I was sooo sick with something else, maybe I didn't really notice the withdrawals.)  In any event, what they switched me to I guess I'm not physically dependent on since if I skip I don't get withdrawals.

Are there any injections or procedures that will help your back?  I have a different issue, but I use other things (heat, prescription gels, injections, infusions, etc.) to help with the pain.  You do need to figure that out, though, since chronic pain is very wearing on you physically and mentally!!

[hollytabor]

Good morning world!  It's Day 5 and I had a pretty full night of sleep.  Honestly, aided by Ambien, but I seriously would've had a psychotic break if I hadn't slept soon.

Doing a body check ... no aches (other than my constant back soreness), no restless legs, no diarrea, no headaches ... doing pretty okay.  

I'm exhausted, but that's fine by me ... my fog of no sleep has lifted and I'm just tired like life has you tired, kwim?

I plan on taking the dog for a long walk today since I haven't been out since Sunday ... I know the advice is to exercise from the very beginning, but quite honestly, I don't think I could've made it.  Someone probably would've have to drive out to drag me back into the car and drive me home because my legs and arms felt encased in quicksand.

I most definitely think the activity of getting out there and moving is going to help me sleep since I've been riding the coach (or bed) since late Sunday afternoon.  And I should add - I've never really been sick or flu/like ... just very minor diarrea which was stopped licketedly split by Imodium.  The biggest thing had been insomnia ... OMG ... I always thought "eh, big deal, you're not sleepy watch tv do something, quitcherbitchin".  But it's not that you're NOT tired - you are VERY tired, completely exhausted and yet, sleep won't come.  It really is kinda bizarre.  

I've tried 20 times to quit or taper in the last several months and it never worked.  What probably was the nail in the addiction coffin was that my doc unknowingly changed my prescription from vicoprofin to dilaudid - since I had been taking so many vikes, the theory was I wouldn't need as many dilaudid.

True ... but I didn't really get the high from dilaudid.  I didn't have withdrawls because it was an opiate to opiate switch, but I wasn't taking as many dilaudids as I was vikes.  And then the doc switched me to Opana ER 20mg, 1 tab twice a day.  That's a mighty big switch for someone who was taking pills, maybe not because of pain all the time, but because of stressful situations.  

And truthfully, Opana didn't touch my pain nor did I even get a smidge of high - even if I took 2 at once.  

What really triggered me was when the pain mgnt doc found out I was taking about 6 -10 dilaudids a day.  She expressed to me how worried she was that my tolerance was so high that if I needed pain medication from perhaps a serious surgical procedure or the like, I was going to be out of luck because there would be nothing left to work.  Ooops.  

So ...I told her I wanted to quick all the narcs.  She said she didn't think that was a good idea.  And that my friend, pissed me off.  Don't tell me I CAN'T do something.  LOLOLOL!

Am I out of the woods?  Oh, hell no.  For the first couple of days I played scenarios around in my head on how to get more painkillers.  But I've stopped that.  What I am worried about though is how I am going to handle the real pain I do have - I have 4 pretty much non-existant disks.  

I do have an appointment next week w/ pain mgmt - and she told me they do urine tests.  I wonder how that's going go?  I've heard of pain mgmnt docs dumping you if they don't find drugs in your system because you may be selling them?   Hmmmm ... I guess I'll find out.  

[gnarly_1]

HI HOLLY been following your story congrats on your clean time....this is a slow process of getting well again sleep will come back slowly I remember the vivid tec/na/color dreams to they will pass with time but it is best to rent some movies or have a book to read dont fight the sleep I know exactly what its like I broke a 16 1/2 yr habit and it took 2mo for sleep to retun back to me now I look at 6hr as a good nights sleep if you belive in God prayer helps
good luck and God bless........Gnarly

[hollytabor]

Thanks all ... I have been keeping hydrated w/ Ensure and Gatroade and the hubby is on his way home with my first food since Saturday - a Panera Chicken Sandwhich.  Of which I'm sure I'll only have 1/2 and save the rest for tomorrow.

On a good note - I've also lost 13 lbs!  

.... Sigh ... I just walked by our bedroom.  My husband turned down the bed.  I have never looked at a bed with such a loving emotion when all I want to do is sleep.  I hope to all that is holy I get some serious sleep tonight without having hallucinations and talking outloud about weird stuff.

Pls. pray for me.  

[sandstone27]

Hello Hollytabor!  I remember you!  OK, well I remember your screen name from a while ago.  Welcome back and congrats on 4 days clean! Wow, you're doing an amazing job, esp. considering everything that you have dealt with and continue to go through.  Keep it up! Sending you well wishes...Sandy

[donewitis]

Maybe try Ensure (daily vitamin)..and Gatorade.
Keep posting..you sound determined and that is a huge part of the battle.
Wish you well!

[therealmattj]

@hollytabor .. you are very inspiring, keep going!! I have said it before and will say it again and again that there is something so deeply inspiring about a person like you that decides to get off the meds in your condition. I finally got clean and struggle to this day from a 50 pill norco a day habit but for me it was just pure addiction and the love for opiates. Then I come across people like you that have every reason clinically and medically to take pills forever, I mean lets be real, you have a serious injury and you can potentially just make this addiction part of your life and it is totally legit, BUT you still decide and understand that you need to get clean. That to me is extremely inspiring. Keep going and do not look back, you have all the support you need here xoxo.

[LeaAnn807]

Wow.....wonderful!  The sleep will return on it's own.  Sleep meds will just put off getting it back for real.  Nyquil is probably the best thing cause it's got more than one ingredient that helps.  Imodium helps also.  Going for a walk, when you don't feel like you'll pass out, is a good idea and will help with sleep too!  Try a warm bath at bedtime and some sleepytime tea, but honestly, until you get through this first week, it's just gonna be hard!  You're doing great!  Don't give up!

[tomskat]

Congratulations and welcome!!! Keep up the great job!! You may start experiencing some more w/d symptoms but it sounds like you have your head together which is the hard part. I'd recommend some sort of aftercare,like NA or something to help you. Staying right here is good too:):)Stay strong,good luck,and keep us posted!!