My sobriety driving my husband away...

I feel my husband is getting tired of my insomnia. He's distant now. I've barely slept in days and can barely keep my thoughts together.  I know he's unhappy. It breaks my heart. I hate that I do this to him.  He finally gets to a point in his career that he's feeling good I start falling apart. Yes he's happy that I'm cleaning up but I don't think he knows what to do with me. I'm sure his feelings are hurt because I won't lay in bed with him at "bedtime" but I can't lay there for hours staring in the dark. Idk what to do to have him smile at me, some affection...

[Stevo977]

How well does your husband understand addiction? Only asking because it might help him to come on here and read the many posts of others in early sobriety suffering the same.

My wife always told me that she didn't care about anything else but me staying sober and understood that sleep would evade me for awhile. She didn't even like when the first couple of months that I used sleep aids. I did eventually stop those as well because they only compounded the problem.

As addicts, we find that sleep in the early stages is difficult next to impossible. I used to lay in bed for hours trying to go to sleep listening to my wife snore and it drove me nuts. Regular sleep did finally return after a couple months. Eventually, your body will recover; it just takes time.

Remember that the most important thing is sobriety and when your sleep does come back, it will be enjoyable. I really love going to sleep sober as I really rest well, have good dreams again, and wake up clear headed.

[allmymarbles]

Find out the cause of your insomnia. You might try going to an endocrinologist since the problem is often glandular. I had worsening insomnia for 30 years and no doctor could figure out what was wrong (though I am sure some simply thought I was neurotic). It turned out to be an iodine deficiency. I started taking iodine and - bingo - I started sleeping.

The way to please your husband is to get cured. That would be pretty good for you too.

[Kelseago]

He does understand. He was (is) an addict before we met 10 yrs ago. He slipped here n there but he was always able to just stop after one. He has done anything in yrs. I think he understands but at the same time doesn't. It wasn't this hard for him he said.  He can't understand why it's so hard for me.  We have different issues though. Grew up completely different. We have different inner demons. He was the "rich" kid that just got sucked in, I'm the very low middle class that wanted to stop thinkung

[Kelseago]

We just can't afford a doctor right now. No insurance on me.  I have a list of things I'm gonna try till something works.  I tried sleeping pills and I just don't like how I feel in the morn.

[vicki595]

Kels--One of the most important things to do is to keep all your "good" routines. This means go to bed at "bedtime".  Your brain will reset in time but you need to help it a long.

I sure know how this is. You won't fall asleep but maybe he will,you know?  Then you can get up and pace around!

Are taking anything OTC for sleep?

[Stevo977]

I never did well on sleeping pills either due to tolerance issues and the pill popper in me always took more than indicated. You could try melantonin as it's all natural. It's available at any drug store or Wal-mart and is relatively inexpensive.

[Kelseago]

I was taking otc sleeping pills (just half) but I hated the way I felt the next day. I never really handled any kind of "downer". I always feel crappy

[Kelseago]

Stevo- that's on my list of things to try. Thanks :)

[petroglyph54]

This will work out. It's incredibly hard to watch someone you love suffer. Part of my "mental" issue is being sorry my dear wife has to witness this. I don't sleep for days sometimes because of pain. That's hard to take if  you love somebody. I don't think you have anything "wrong" that requires some other doctor, do you? It's probably the disease and you are getting better. One of the tough parts is we just don't have patience, and that's what it takes...time. You are already better, just not sleeping well. I sometimes do what Vicki suggested above, and maybe who knows maybe you'll fall asleep one of these times or something even better! Hang in there

[dominosarah]

Why not go lay down with him when he goes to bed.  Curl up next to him and just focus on the 2 of you for a bit......If you still cant sleep then get up.  Try this for a few nights and see how it goes....

[j34]

One thing I learned in a treatment center was if i am thinking what you are thinking,how can i be thinking of myself, point is we dont know what others are thinking and if we are always think we knwo what they are thinking we are missing out on loving, heathy supportive relationships,communication is the key , For me I always start out with I am not You are cause when we start with YOU the other will get defensive no matter what the rest of the senctence is.another helpful hint is always put yourself in the others person shoes what woudl you feel like,if you were seeing the person you love , living in agony and such and not reaching out and trustin you????hope this helps blessings j34

[Lewney2n]

As my mind is racing and I can't sleep, I could have written your post word for word! You wrote exactly what I was thinking. This forum amazes me that all the time that I thought I was alone there are other people going through the exact same thing. To all giving feedback, thanks not only for the person writing but also the readers. I will definately try this melatonin as soon as I can as it has been recommended quite a few times. I hope it works. If you can't sleep and just need to vent, send me a message or you can even call me. I feel your pain! Guilt seems to be a driving force in this process.

[Kelseago]

Thanks so much guys. You're simply amazing. All great things to try. I snuck in and just cuddled it really is quite comforting n theraputic. Gnight

[LAM49]

Someone on here suggested Melatonin and my fiance got some for me the other day and that was it, they work, I'm able to sleep about 5 hours with one and actually this morning wanted to sleep more but had to go to work, maybe that's why I'm feeling tired, but didn't take it until about 1:00 in morning when I was wide awake after sleeping on my own for three hours, I fell asleep within a half an hour and slept for 5 hours.  Directions say to take one 1/2 hour before going to bed, I'm going to do that tonight.  The first time I took it I took it too early and found myself awake in the middle of the night, so tonight I'm going to take it later in hopes to stay asleep through the night, but 5 hours is better than no sleep.  It's over the counter and a natural product.  Try it, you might be surprised like I was.

[lonelyguyy]

try to talk to him and every week find some place to go with him, i had been a addiction and insomnia for 3year + everytime i did not sleep with my ex wife and both of us have to work so we don have much time to talk and slowly my wife leave me, so i had u will get better god bless u

[Kelseago]

That's the hardest thing in the world to do is talk. He knows that. I've always been this way. I am so much better writing things down, which I do with him. Right now we are unable to afford to go out and have alone time. So many life probs...brk down car, recently move, me not working, etc....  I honestly wouldn't make it without him. That would ruin me...

[dominosarah]

Our actions speak louder than words......wrap your arms around him and give him a kiss, just becuz~~~~~~~

[Kelseago]

I do that, i guess I just feel like I'm not enough anymore. It's probably just my insecurities crawling out

[dominosarah]

Yes it is just your insecurities right now and that will get better with time.  This is a slow process but you will get to the point where you like what is looking back at you in the mirror~~sara

[atthebeach]

hi i am the wife of a recovering addict. he will be clean for 1 year on feb 23rd.hope that worked out for you. laying with him until he goes to sleep and then get up.  the sleep took many months  to return to him to have a 6 or 7 hour sleep.. have you tried exercising ? this will help your natural endrophines to start flowing and it will also make you tired. buy sleepy time tea and you can get valerian root from a health food store, it is drops you can add to your tea. definitely try to keep a routine. take a hot shower or bath to relax yourself.
living clean will be different at first but slowly you will beable to do things that you didn't do before. start communicating and talking with him for  ten or 15 minutes a day. it will get easier each time. share your feelings and let him do the same. i will remember you in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless,
debbie

[Kelseago]

Thank you so much. I use to work out 2 hrs, 5 days a week. I haven't been able to get my routine since moving and quitting.  I will try and lay with him tonight.  I haven't been able to get the tea n stuff I want to try. Hopefully this wkend

[ImDONENoMore]

Try to go easy on yourself now kels.  I remember feeling exactly the same way, but I think because I was so wrapped up in what I was going through, I forgot that he was going through it too!  So the same way it will take time for you, it will for him too.  You'll both find each other again and all will be good again you'll see.  :)

[Kelseago]

I hope so....I miss us. I miss happy

[Crys833]

I know how you feel about your husband, I experienced something similar. He got clean a week before I did, and his wd's were over in 4 days, where as mine took a good 14 days, and I'm at day 27 now and I still feel some subtle wd's with my legs and arms at night, I barely notice it, but it's there. Sleep is much better for me now, for at least a week I didn't sleep much at all. My husband can't understand why I still feel yucky sometimes. I did way more than him which I reminded him, and I think men are just able to put it out of their heads easier than women, men metabolize substances differently than women, that's my opinion, don't want to offend any of the male addicts here. I think once you feel pretty much all back to normal and are sleeping better things will start to get better with you and your husband. You're just not you right now and maybe he's just waiting for you to get better :)

[lifewithoutcoke]

Ok, I sure hope this isn't taken as my crossing a line, but Kel, I experienced the same thing with my hubby. He quit when I quit but wasn't quite the addict I was. We had similar issues come bed time. He could sleep just fine, I couldn't. As long as I laid there with him, sometimes "helped" him sleep first,  he was fine. Once he was off in dreamland (full on snoring, etc)  Then I got up and continued my work and it was fine.

And, yes, melatonin is a godsend. I tried the otc sleep aids and they did the same for me, too much downer and grogginess. Keep in mind the side efffects on those things are just that: grogginess all the way to depression and even suicidal thoughts. So stay away from those, since you (like myself) already have a predisposition to low energy and depression.

[j34]

You are doing so well reaching out and talking about everything!!

[RepeatyWithdrawlr]

I loved your comment about not feeling worthy I had to be told over and By recovering addicts that o

[RepeatyWithdrawlr]

I loved your comment about not feeling worthy I had to be told over and over By recovering addicts that I was worthy of love and respect before I believed it. That's why they are always pushing aftercare here.

[Kelseago]

Well I went to bed but all I get is coldness. No goodnight nothing. He just rolled completely away. My heart hurts

[gnarly_1]

Hey Kelse .....just hang in there ...I truly dont think our spouses realize just how hard and what we go threw to get clean its like ok you been sick a week everything should be hunky dory now
im afraid it just dont work that way.....keep in mind we go threw a real emotional time right about where your at withdrawal wise...the slightest things will bring tears and where hyper sensitive to things going on around us...its ez to take thing tha wrong way your hubby may be dead tired and emotionally drained from all this so dont take it personal....dont take anything personal for the next few weeks you will see what im talking about with the emotional thing
your doing great its just the different stages of withdrawal I cant sleep early eather but  I lay with my wife till she drifts off it works for us any way I just want to encourage you you are making progress but as athers have said it just going to take some time good luck and Gos bless......Gnarly    

[Lewney2n]

Please don't get discouraged Kels, this didn't happen over night and it's not gonna be fixed over night. Work on you first, try the melatonin. It seems to be the most recommended thing to do on everything I've read.  I am in the same boat. Me and my hubby just flip flopped, now I'm on the sofa and he's in the bed but I know that after I get myself together we'll be happily, twisted and smushing. He will have his "Real Wife" back and I will have my leg rest. Hang in there.

[LAM49]

Yes, as I mentioned earlier the Melatonin definitely helps!  I took it at 9:00 last night, went to bed and by 9:30 I was out, didn't wake up until 3:30 this morning so that's 6 hrs. of sleep!  That was the best sleep yet.  I am also forcing myself to take walks at work everyday and it helps with low energy.  I definitely found that Equate brand Allergy and Sinus Relief works for the sneezing/burning nose thing.  Seems that the sinus part of this medicine is the trick.  I tried Benadryl allergy and Equate Allergy relief and neither worked, the Equate one just made me sleepy, at work, not good.  But the Equate Allergy and Sinus (small blue pill) did the trick and I was feeling really good last night, even worked on some stuff for my upcoming wedding of which I haven't had the motivation or energy to do in almost a month.  I'm very happy with my progress.  

Kelseago- I'm sorry that you are not getting the support you need at home, I don't know what I would have done without my fiance's help but I also found lots of support on this site, many of the people here have had experience with this and know what they are talking about, so stay with this forum.  Some people have patience and the ability to understand when another is sick and some just don't.  Your husband is probably having a difficult time finding the patience to deal with this.  I know that for the last month I cried, moaned and was irritable, why would anyone be tolerant for a month with that?!  But, that's what it takes for us to get clean.  Have you shared stories from this site with him?  I have with my fiance and he said, "I had no idea it would be like this, I thought 3-4 days tops and it would be over."  I keep talking to him about how I feel and thanking him for being there, now in the last week he has been very sick with the flu and I have had to find the strength and patience to take care of him.  I keep thinking, "wow, if I had to deal with his moaning and whining for a month, I'd go stir crazy."  LOL!  But that's what he's put up with from me.  I think it has also helped for him to see that I am serious about this and he sees that I am making progress.  We too have had money problems for awhile and are trying to plan a wedding on a small budget, so that adds to stress.  I guess I'm trying to tell you that sharing with your husband how you're feeling and what it takes to detox and letting him know how much you understand his frustration, might help, but at the same time you need to take care of you and keep plugging forward, it will be over soon.  Sorry this is so long winded.  I wish you well, hang in there and get some Melatonin!

[Kelseago]

I actually slept pretty good last night, thanks to my little boy. He crawled in bed and cuddle with me for hours. Such a sweetie. My husband was actually very affectionate this morning.  Lots of hugs and kisses.  I guess I was, again, just freaking myself out.  It doesn't help being stuck in my house all day with no adult interaction.  I live my family

[Bruthab42]

Imodium ad I swear by it

[Kelseago]

I don't have stomach probs, tks though

[hooked31]

Nothing helped me sleep when I was coming off methadone.  Anything I tried just made it worse.  I am almost 7 months clean and have only recently had nights were I slept more than 5 hrs.  Naps worked even for an hour or so.  Congrats on getting Sober!!!!!!

[Kelseago]

Wow!  7 mnths!  That's awesome :).  I swear the lack of sleep is making me crazy, well crazier.

[gnarly_1]

HEY Kelse im glad your doing better today nothing like a little one to curl up with and a good nights sleep is worth its weight in gold this early on in recovery....try not to let all the emotional stuff get to you your going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a wile here it just your feelings coming back on line it will take some getting use tohang in there as time and God will heal you as this goes on you will start getting more good days then bad I promise good luck and God bless.....Gnarly