My story

[SL420]

I have been doing opiates for 4 years now, no Ron or needles but my nose has been busy. Started the way most of us did - just having fun with friends I trusted and took a risky habit way too far. Got clean for 3 months last year w/o rehab was spending time with my non-addict friends, have supportive parents and everything was okay (still alone with a deadend job and living with parents at 27 but that's another problem for another forum). Relapsed in a moment of incredible stupidity by thinking I was fine to do one perc and not end up re-addicted. Haha i was wrong. Take sub most of the time at this point but I get percs whenever I have "extra money,"...I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm not that bad, taking at most 150mg/day but man, percs are all I look forward to anymore. Lost a lotta friends along the way etc. I tell people that my real problem is depression from my lackluster underachieving life, but is addiction still running my life and keeping me stuck in shame and misery? I think so. I'm not high right now, on sub, but I'm planning on spending this $150 I have here on thirties for New Years, and it's gonna be tough to make it till then!  

Anyway I have spent a lotta time reading peoples stories on these forums for years, I just wanna join the community if there is one, share my experience and encourage people to get clean. Im starting to suspect i may need rehab, even though my stepdad who hates drugs would freak out and I'd get fired from my deadend but immediately lucrative job. It's a tough step to take. Honestly I'm just afraid of a world in which I can't get high. There's always the chronic (always) but its never the instant and guaranteed release from my pain (emotional mostly) that the bad things are. At some point I gotta be a man and step up but when?

Getting prescribed subs only helped me to buy/trade for more percs. I know people who have been on subs for years who sing songs about how awesome sub is, but I don't think it works for everyone. At the end of the day you still need something multiple times a day to feel even remotely functional, and you're still damaging your body and brain with prolonged opiate addiction. I for one can hardly find a way to just take subs and never cheat. Subs aren't the answer unless its for a short time and you accompany it with a total change in lifestyle - no more drug friends, no more drug places, and no more drugs! Subs are great to get off the hard stuff and then go cold turkey, but they are not a way to live IMO. If there is no way you can isolate yourself from stress and temptation, you need to go to rehab. Last time I got clean I did it on my own at my house, with two weeks off work. But I also took Xanax on work nights and got drunk all the other nights. This was replacement therapy and it's obviously not conducive to staying clean. I was still dependent on getting effed up to work a long night or go socialize, and it was only natural to still yearn for my favorite high. The answer is something I've never tried, which is a sober lifestyle, something that im afraid we might all need rehab to learn.

[SL420]

Thanks guys. You're absolutely right, getting clean is the only way I can move forward in life. It felt good to share my story, and it feels good to read your advice.  I'm considering going to aa/na meetings, of which there are a lot in my area...my drug friends that can lend an understanding ear can also easily lead me astray, so when I do get clean I want to be surrounded by people who either have never done narcotics or are in recovery. Thanks again.

[petsrule]

To follow up msdelight, you are so young. I am in my 50's and didn't start until a few years ago.  When I was your age I didn't think about getting older... but it happens.  All of a sudden you are there, with the grace of God, and you still feel young etc.  Please stop now, following the advice of the more experienced here.  Don't waste your life by being 'fogged'.  Life will give you crap you have to deal with, it is the nature of he beast.  At one time I saw a counselor that helped.  Then my husband passed, after loosing both my parents, and I 'fell down'.  I know what these drugs can do, helping with the problems... but the problems are still there aren't they?  We bought some time feeling good, but the situation was there.  I don't have great thoughts, just want you to have a good life.  Situations can be worked through. Best of luck to you.....

[msdelight]

Hi SL and welcome to the forum. I'm glad you decided to join and post. You made a great first step and seem ready to get you life under control and embrace it in a clean, clear and sober way. It sounds to me like, yes, your drug abuse has kept you from moving forward in life regarding a fulfilling job and moving out of your parents house. These will be good goals to work towards. Your mind, spirit and finances are tied up in chains right now, keeping you from realizing your full potential in life.  It's stealing your dreams!
I agree about the subs - not for you.  So you must c/t either ar home or inpatient.  I wish you peace and luck as you start this journey! I hope the right answers come. It is so worth whatever pain you must endure! We will be here to help you through!