Need Advice-Boys Want Daddy

[troubleinohio]

for those of you who have been following my saga here...i could use some advice..my kids are missing daddy now and want to go home....also, the husband left a message on the machine (I no longer pick up, just let the machine get it), he wants to see them especially since my oldest is turning 5 on Friday! He says Id better make sure he sees his boy on his birthday... oh man this is so hard.. I dont know what to do..

btw Im on 43 days clean now!

[taekwondo_fighter]

this is a tough one...  as you already know, you cant keep him from seeing the kids...  but then again, your life is threatened by this dude..   i dont know if this has been suggested yet. but maybe talk to a lawyer.. get legal advice...  he IS A THREAT.. to you and the kids....  this is a real tough one...  

[dove3053]

You know this man better than anyone. What do you think? When you posted he put pictures up and stuff--that's not normal rational behavior. It doesn't sound like your dealing with a sane man at this point. Protect you and your family.

Dove

[avisg]

ohhh thats ok i miss understand things all of the time LOL

[mimi1313]

Sorry I misunderstood. Good point. Hopefully he agrees with that.

[mimi1313]

Okay, didn't know about the gun. That along with the mental instability is very troublesome. Definitely get a protection from abuse order.

[avisg]

he can go see the kids at her moms  was what i said i just would not let him take them anywhere at this point

[dove3053]

That's not good.

Dove

[mimi1313]

I agree with you to hold off as long as she possibly can, but by law he's allowed to see them. Unless she would get a Protection From Abuse order. Then depending on his past criminal and mental history, he may not get any custody at all or very limited. But he seems to be playing games with her and knows the way to manipulate her is through the kids. My mom is a legal advocate for a womens shelter she recommnded a PFA.

Hope it helps.

[avisg]

YES he does

[dove3053]

I agree with avisg. Have him come to your Mothers home. From you posts he doesn't sound stable and you leaving could have pushed him over the edge. I have to ask this since it has crossed my mind several times--does you husband have a gun or any kind of fire arm?  It's the last thing I wanted to have to ask.

Dove

[avisg]

here is my fear if you let him take the kids right now in his current state of mind ,he may take them and tell you you cant have them back until you come home .....you need to avoid this as much as you can ..now is not the time to let him take the kids he can see them at your moms

[mimi1313]

My sister had been in a similar situation and they would exchange the kids outside the police station.  Definitely neutral and very safe.

[VicUser]

I would have to agree with going to a neutral location. However, I wouldn't drop them off, I would go in as well. Maybe someplace special like Chunky Cheese, if they are still in existance, showing my age here, and if they have them in your area. They were always fun and didn't cost much. Otherwise McDonalds ect. just someplace were there is a lot of people.

[oxygirl487]

i just been reading some of your past posts..kinda catching up on your story..im sorry for what i said earlier about him chaging i had no clue he was this bad ......sounds like he needs some mental help or antidepressants....is that possible? i guess not since u lost ur insurance.....do u think he has just gave up? i would be woried sick if i had to let my kids be alone with him.....sounds like u dont trust him with them......just be careful sweetie.....i wish i could so or say something to help u....i feel so bad for u....i agree with gizzy u r remarkable ...staying clean thru this......wow.....praying for u and the kids

[sickcookie]

I agree withAsvig I would not let the boys go there.This man is mad that he is loosing his control of you THANK GOD!I feel something bad could happen.How does he act around your mother if he is afraid of her maybe he could come to your moms for a small party.To a 5 year old a party is a cake and small present.Also when they talk about dad try changing subject sometimes children attention spans are 5 seconds,I am not saying they do not miss him but I feel they were probably afraid of his actions.THey hear and feel more than we think.Right now it is time only to worry about you and kids.Let him really think about the choices and behaviors he has chosen.Did he take pills also?Be proud of your clean time and getting out of that house,things can only get better.Also maybe think about calling a crisis clinic to hear more options.WE ALL CARE keep posting

[dove3053]

Good adivce.

Dove

[Avalancheblanche]

I agree with dropping the kids at a nuetral location and make sure you, or someone else you trust is there for the visit.
Let your kids know that Daddy loves them.  They dont understand, and probably wont, but, how you talk to them about thier Dad will influence how they handle it too.  Try not to say much negative and if your not able to say anything possative, just keep telling them that he loves them.   And keep giving them all the love you that you have been giving them.  I know it breaks your heart, just know that  Kids are resilient and they will adjust eventually.    
Ill be thinking of you today.  You are doing such a great job in this very difficult situation.  I admire you for your courage.

[avisg]

ohio,
keep reassuring the the boys that daddy loves them , they will get to see him soon but for now you are staying at grandmas .DO NOT GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW .tell him he  is more then welcome to come see the boys as long as he lets you know when he is coming and they stay at gradmas for  .....I would not let him take them any where right now .I really think you need to talkto someone about all of this he is abusive ...... you really need to get intoch with a shelter that can tell you what all of your options are.I am here for you if you need to talk.

[gizzy32]

ok i understand now. i just think the way you are handling all this and staying clean is remarkable. you even said through all this, that you have no desire to use and for that i am proud of you. you have put your children first and doing the right thing. im sorry that you have to deal with this, but everything happens for a reason, i truly believe that, so i know you will get through this and come out on top. im glad your thinking clearly now.

[mimi1313]

Hi,

Congrats on 43 days!! That's great. Your husband does sound threatening. Domestic violence does not just encompass hitting etc. It includes any threat, verbal or physical. I would just be very careful. As for him seeing the kids, I'd drop them off at a neutral place with a lot of people.

I wish you the best of luck.

Melissa

[troubleinohio]

Gizzy- its hard to answer your question if he got worse once i stopped the pills... he has always been .......a DIFFICULT PERSON, but seems to go through phases alot. Sometimes he will be impossible, depressed and angry for weeks on end like this, and other times he will be almost fine...
but i think this phase was coincedental in timing with me getting clean, however with my newly sober brain, I realized that I could not cope with him like this nor continue living that way. Also things were compounded by the fact we lost our health insurance and he doesnt care that we did. He wont go out and get a real job where he could get insurance for the kids. He just works from home, all cash work.. theres so many complexities to this situation...

[MizDemeanor]

First off, GREAT JOB on 43 days! Congrats!
Ive been down the custody battle, family court, road more than once. My ex husband decided a few times to try to take custody because he remarried and in his mind that made him a better parent or something, who knows. He lost and I retained custody  but I learned early, you cannot keep the kids from the bio dad unless he is abusing them etc and YOU CAN PROVE IT IN COURT. I would suggest that you try to come to some agreement with him out of court, because he will win visitation unless he's got some deep dirt under his carpet so to speak. The birthday thing is something they will usually make you split in court (ie you get half day he gets half day), so I wouldnt keep him from the child on his bday unless there is a danger to him going. (Plus the damage to the child. Please make sure you dont keep them from him to get back at him. It hurts the child more than the parent) Some of this may not be applicable to you, sorry I dont know everyones story, Im still only in week 2 of being off the Vicodin, and so you know where I am ;)
I hope this helps. Congrats again.
Peace.

[troubleinohio]

i forgot to clarify better...yes I know I cant keep them from seeeing him and that is not my intention...the hard part for me is how do I help the kids cope with just visiting daddy now instead of being there all the time? And should I take them to his house (the only home they've ever known) or have him come to my moms for the birthday party or what? THey want to go home, to see dad, to have all their big toys again, their beds , just everything.. I miss home too, but scared if I go back so soon things will just go right back to the same old shiit again...

[gizzy32]

i asked you that too trouble, but you never answered? did he become worse when you stopped the pills, maybe he felt threatened. i agree with foxygirl, maybe it scared him. i could be wrong, but that entered my mind. is it possible.