Need Help Desperately

[vicolover]

Hello again! I posted on this forum about 2 months ago asking about what I could expect from my first appt. w/ a pain mgmt. dr. Still waiting on that appt but now I have an even bigger problem. Just to give you some background-I developed gout in both feet about 6 yrs ago. Attacks up to 1 or 2 a month lasting up to a week and a half each time. My primary said it was one of the worse cases of gout he had ever treated. He also told me gout was one of the most painful conditions you can have. Well he sure wasnt lying about that. After 2 shots of morphine I was still sitting up screaming with pain. After the attacks would end I was usually left with stress fractures in both feet due to the massive swelling that gout causes. My primary put me on 90 percocet 10s a month and 90 xanax a month for anxiety. Now before this I had never taken any kind of narcotic. So 6 yrs and 5 surgeries to repair damage from stress fractures later, Im definately hooked. Ive been to detox twice and relapsed both times after a month or 2. My doctor I have now does not know about my addiction and gives me 120 vicodin 10s and 60 xanax. I do still have severe gout flares AT TIMES but most of the time I just take them for the high and to avoid withdrawls. I know that should be enough of my story but no the worst is yet to be told! My only child, my beautiful 16 yr old daughter who is my heart and soul, has been sick since  Oct. 15th with severe headaches, blacking out, loss of balance. She was put in the hospital for 9 days and ran all the tests they could think of. Shes being refered to a specialist but not until Jan. We've been to the ER 5 times since she was released from the hospital. They cant figure out whats wrong either but they always prescribe her pain meds. Vicodin, then dilaudid, and last percocet. And eventhough I get 120 hydros a month I always run out way early. Now I find myself taking at least half of whatever she gets. She still takes enough to deal with her pain but not what shes prescribed. And believe me when I say NO ONE could say anything to me that will make me feel more guilt and shame than I already do. I feel like the worst mom in the world and probably am! Believe it or not she is my whole world and I have never loved anyone as much as I do her. Not even my husband of 18 yrs. He says we're 2 peas in a pod because we look so much alike and are so close. So I desperatly need help. Theres no way I can go into rehab now with all this now going on with her. Im the ONLY person she wants with her when shes sick, which has been every day for the past 2 months. I know I have to get help because I cant sink any lower than I am now! But I cant leave her right now no way! Please let me know what I should do. Im at my rock bottom and I dont think I could ever feel worse about myself or ever feel more guilt. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to be honest and felt like I could be on this forum. Please help, any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated! Chris

[Gtowngirl]

You are doing great. Just hang in there. Depression is a part of it. If in a week u feel u need help with the depression make an appt. With your doc. And talk to him. I had to change my anti-deppresant till I found one that works for me. I am preg. So I quit mine a while ago. And I remember the xanax made me depressed, but that was when I ran out of xanax. Just hang in there and I bet in two weeks at most u will be up and back to feeling great and off your pain meds! How much xanax are u taking a day? And are u eating and drinking lots of fluids? Take care and I will check in with u tomorrow...u are welcome to go to my profile page and send me a message anytime. That is also private so it won't be a post like what we r on now. That is called a PM= private message! Ttyl

[littlebit667]

Hunker down, tomorrow may me the same.  Most say days 3-5 suck!  But, after that it gets easier.  Stay strong and know those days will pass clean or not!   The depression is your brain wanting the drugs and not happy it is not getting them.  Do not let your brain win!  I am glad you have the support while doing this.  Keep posting!!!  

As you may know, it is the mental part after the withdrawals that ends up being the hardest.  Please consider aftercare..whether it is NA, AA or private counselor therapist.  We all need to find out what (if any) is the underlying reason we stay addicted.  

Good work!

[vicolover]

Hey again. I took my last dose of percocet Friday at around 6 or 7 pm. So 6 today will be 2 days. Should I be feeling worse than this by now? I slept good last night  I guess the xanax helped w/ that. Nights are okay but its waking up in the a.m. That is hard for me because before thats when I would pop my first dose of hydro. I feel so depressed like I lost something, like something that made me happy and whole. Which I know is mental ********. But thats hmestly the way I feel. Im a neat freak (my daughter says I have the cleaning disease LOL). But I feel like doing nothing. Is that what I should feel like after almost two days. When I was in detox they gave no narcotics and I felt fine. I think it was because I KNEW I couldnt have any thing and that was that. Your mind can be an awful and great thing sometimes. Today, physically, I feel okay but mentally I want to lay in bed and cry! Im snapping at everyone. And you know what they hold me and tell me they love me and they're here for me. In my warped mind I know I dont deserve them. Im an only child and our family sticks together ALWAYS! My mom took me to detox the 1st time and my beloved dad the 2nd time. when I was 5 I remember my dad telling me would die for me and he meant it. I was young and in awe. I thought damn he would DIE for me, really die! I was only 5 and that was huge to me and hes 62 now and still means it. Any thoughts on the depression or anything else I can do? Someone asked if I could get clonodine    (sp?) but I already take lisinopril for blood pressure. Im already on zoloft for depression and it has worked great until now. Im also really grateful my w/ds have not been severe yet. I want to get up and clean but would rather be slapped in the face than get out of bed. Please tell me when and if the w/d will get worse and how long will this physically last even with the meds she gave me ? Chrissey

[Gtowngirl]

I think with u already taking xanax and flexeril that u don't need anymore meds. I do think the xanax and flexeril is what is helping u not feel the w/d's so bad. When I got off narcos (I quit a couple times and went right back:-( )  I would get xanax and fleril to get me through it. So from my experience I know for myself that those meds help A lot . How many days has it been since your last dose of pain meds? Did I read last night u took your last dose?well if so today will be your 1st full day without pain meds. So u might experience a lot of anxiety and that's when the xanax will be a life savor. And when u feel stiff and sore the flexeril will help with that. Just remember to drink a lot of fluids try to eat and rest as much as u can for the next couple days. Hot showers and fluids and (your lucky yr doc. Perscibed the other meds.) Taking the xanax as perscribed and in a week u should be through the worst of the physical w/d's. A lot will be mental. And that's were the NA and or counceling will keep u clean. I'm very happy for u that u have support from yr family. But I have to KEEP SUGGESTING COUNCELING AND OR NA MEETINGS. To keep u clean and stay in recovery! If u need me I'm here and hope the best for you! PM me anytime! ~gtowngirl~

[ImDONENoMore]

I'm not sure recommending "massive" amounts of benadryl is the way to go.  I agree with the melatonin, though.  But benadryl can affect some people very negatively (including me).

[m_r_]

You might want to think about clonidine. It's an old medicine that is used for high blood pressure. It is not addictive and really helped me sleep. I took up to 8 - 0.1mg pills. You have to watch it though because when you stand up you get orthoststic hypotension, where your BP drops when you stand up.  I came off a huge tramadol habit at the beginning of the year and the clonidine really helped. I also got melatonin and Benadryl and took massive quantities of those to help sleep. I now only take Benadryl every once in a while to sleep. You can do this!  It really ***** for about 2 weeks and then it gets better!  I promise.  
Molly
P.S. My father and grandfather are doctors and I will be graduating in May from nursing school, so I kinda have some knowledge and experience in the medical field.

[vicolover]

Yes my mom, my dad, my husband of 18 yrs., even my daughter knows everything. And I am so so lucky to have their support. I havent had much in the way of w/ds yet. My last 10mg Percocet I took around 6:00 last night. Do you think its the xanax and flexeril that are keeping the w/ds at bay? Or has it not been long enough for them to start kicking my butt? I was only taking 2 .5mg a day, but the dr upped that to 3 a day while Im going through this. I had never taken flexeril before, so Im not sure if those help or not yet. I guess my question is how long do you think it will take me to go through w/d since I have these meds to take. Do you think the w/ds will be slightly milder due to the xanax, flexeril, and naprosyn Im taking or is that just wishful thinking? Chrissey

[Teresa1717]

Dont be embaressed that your mom is giving you your meds! that is COMPLETELY normal for us addicts to get help! I have a love hate relationship with xanax so If you say you cant trust yourself with it, Then dont!! let someone else take that responsibility on if they are willing to help you! Many dont have that kind of help. Can I ask, Does your mom also know about your Pain med addiction?? Having as much support as you can is ideal. Some have been successful at doing it alone, but someone here told me that your only as sick as the secrets you keep and its so true!

[Gtowngirl]

I'm so proud of you! I would have done the same if I would have had my mom. But she died from this disease 6 yrs ago.  I have 3 friends that ct off xanax and on day three they all had siezers(sp?) Anyways having the xanax will so help u get through the pain med. W/d's. So will the flexeril. And when yr feeling a lot better you just go to yr doc. And they will taper u down off the xanax, again u CAN NOT CT OFF XANAX. And like others said get through one w/d then deal with the others. U are taking the right steps to being clean. And as someone on here told me..u r not activley getting high so keep up the good work and I would say your clean from opiates and I'm so glad to hear u have your family for support. But I still think u need some type of counceling to stay clean...you sound like u feel pretty good right now but if u need me, I'm here anytime...helping others helps me in my recovery. So if u should need me u know where to find me...angels be with you! Hope u sleep well again tonight...~gtowngirl~

[vicolover]

Hello everyone. Im feeling okay right now. Just starting to get stiff and hurt a bit. I slept good last night but I know that will probably change soon. But Im just trying to take it one hour at a time. It might come to one minute at a time! I did get my rxs filled, the xanax, flexeril, and naprosyn. My mom is giving everything to me when Im supposed to get it. I didnt trust myself w/ the xanax. I feel like an idiot, being 42 and having to have your 61 yr. old mom give you your meds. But I think thats the best way to go for now. So I took my meds and took a LONG hot shower. Im okay right now. Thanks everyone for caring. Chrissey

[Teresa1717]

I agree 100% with Pat and littlebit, but wanted to just add that IF you make that decision to come off the xanax, PLEASE dont do it c/t! Benzos need to be slowly tapered and you should do it with the help of your Dr.

Best of luck to you

[littlebit667]

Pat is right.  Do not stop taking the supportive meds right now.  Once you have committed to being opiate clean that is your focus right now.  You can make the decision about the other meds  after the detox/withdrawals are over.   Being clean does not mean you have to quit taking other meds.  Being clean means being clean from opiates or other mind altering meds.  Good luck and keep posting.

[Pat1956100]

Hi Chrissey
I think you should relax and listen to your doctor.  Your main concern right now is getting off the opiates.  Your doctor has prescribed things to make it easier for you.  You are lucky to have them so just relax and listen to your doctor.
How are you feeling now?

[vicolover]

Thanks for your feedback. I am already feeling anxious and I know thats just mental crap because I just took my last dose of hydro about 2 hrs. ago. That was the last of my pain meds. Half of me feels thats a good thing because I can get on with getting clean. But the other half, the demon on my shoulder, says are you really strong enough to do this? I always thought that if I put even half the effort into staying clean that I put into getting pills this would be a piece of cake. I wasnt able to pick up my Xanax tonight. I'll get those and the other rx's in the morning. But then I ask myself if I do get the xanax, am I really getting clean? I have been on those for about 6 yrs. now and take 2 .5mgs a day. But the thought of not taking them right now makes me really terrified of the w/d off pain meds. I even had a mild case of the shakes earlier but thank God that passed. And like I said that has to be mental, maybe because I know what Im fixing to experience. What do you all think about doing this w/ the help of the xanax, flexeril, and the naprosyn she prescribed? I feel like to be clean I shouldnt take anything, but the thought of just jumping off cold turkey scares me to my very core. I am blessed because my family does know about my addiction and has always been very supportive. I do understand how lucky I am to have that because I have read alot of posts where people cant or wont tell their family and are all alone. Again, I thank you all for your support and advice. The fact that you all seem to really care about a complete stranger, giver me hope that I can once again be the normal, caring, strong person I know is under all the addiction. Chrissey

[Gtowngirl]

I'm so glad to hear u really want this. And I'm so proud of u for calling the doc. And letting her know you were abusing them. Everything u said sounds like your making the right choices to get your life back....EXCEPT....YOU CAN'T DO THIS" BY YOUR SELF". Stop taking the pills is just PART of recovery. I feel to really make this work this time you have to have a lot of support and even though this site is great for support you need a lot more. If u are going to keep this a secret from your family you need counceling and an NA group to help u stay clean. I thought I could do it by myself last time. I also went to my doc. And confessed and he gave me Rx to get through the w/d's. I got through them and a month later I started buying them off the street. I've done exactly what u are doing now but without the proper counceling to deal with the under lying prob. That make me an addict were not properly dealt with and I relapsed. U said u have been to rehab so u should know that the pill taking is just a symptom of being an addict. Please think about what I have said and have a plan for aftercare so u can stay clean and truly change your life. AFTERCARE PROGRAM AND COUNCELING IS A MUST TO TRULY CHANGE YOUR ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR. Stopping taking pills is not enough, even when u really really want to change your life. Pls get more support than this site...good luck and we are all here...and keep posting!

[LeaAnn807]

What you did is huge!  Great job......now you gotta put those good intentions to work! : ) You can do it.....

[Pat1956100]

Hi Chrissey
You sound very determined and telling your doctor was HUGE.  You have my prayers and you will receive lots of support here.  
The depression is hard but you know it doesn't last.
Can you take Hylands Restless legs?  Maybe you should ask your doctor about that?
Work with your doctor and you will do this and of course Post here for support.

[vicolover]

I have read all your posts and I thank you all for responding. Im not a stupid person. It would be so much better if I was stupid and didnt know excactly what I was doing to my body, my daughter, my whole life! Ive decided to try and just jump off and do this by myself. Ive been in rehab twice before and I know the withdraws, physical anyway, only last 3 to 7 days tops. So if I can get over that I think Im at the point where I really really want this. I called my dr. today and came clean with her as far as my past and my addiction. My next refill would have been on the 12th but that will not happen for sure now. She did refill my xanax, called in flexeril and naprosyn to help me get through this. She does not want me to taper she just wants me to quit w/ the help of the rx's shes prescribed. I have to go in at the end of next week so she can check on my progress. I gave my mom who lives w/ us my daughters meds to give her as needed. I have the best intentions but have felt that way before and still relapsed. I am just physically and mentally so tired of this life. Everything depending on if I have pills or not to determine my happiness. Its pathetic.She said we would deal w/ the gout flares when and if they happen. But I know she wants to try non narcotics for pain after coming clean today. She increased my allopurinal (gout med) to 300mgs a day and will prescribe indocin if it comes to that. I am on Zoloft already for depression. That has always been the worst part of w/d for me, that and the RLS and no sleep. Im begging everyone for their prayers or advice on anything else I can do. I REALLY want to do this right this time and get on with my life. For my daughters sake and my own! Chrissey

[Gtowngirl]

I guess my question is what exactly are u wanting? To get off your meds? I'm an addict and don't really have serious medical proplems I took the narcos and what ever else kind of pills for the high. When I hit rock bottom I was sick of my constant pill seeking and pill counting so I didn't go into.      W/D's. Iam 33 weeks pregnant and when I was about 7mo. I tried quiting on my own. I of course couldn't do it alone and was in so much pain from w/d that I had a friend taking suboxin to help him. So I looked up doc. That perscribe it and ended up at a suboxin/methadone clinic. Talking to the doc. I found out I could lose my baby from w/d and he put me on methadone. I have researched a lot about methadone and found out that it is also used to help with pain. And is also a lot harder to w/d from then just pain med's. So not only do I carry so much guilt and shame for having to go on methadone but also that my baby has to detox from it when he is born. I just wanted to say that there are meds like suboxin and methadone out there to help stop you from having to take pills, and has helped me a lot from having to do my pill seeking, counting etc. And has givin me my life back so I can go to NA meetings, counceling, to help me get the help I need in my recovery. But pls make sure u research all options before making that choice. Yes it has helped break my cycles but after my baby is born I still have to go through getting off methadone which I hear is pretty hard to go through. So I feel I have traded one addiction for another...my baby is very healthy and his weight is great so thank god my baby is ok. I know what u mean by feeling like a bad mother because of our addiction. Believe me when I say how guilty I feel for. Putting him through this and he has no choice, I'm supose to protect him not put him through detox at birth because I couldn't stop taking pills. But my meetings and counceling (which I highly recommend) help me to deal with my guilt from being an addict. Sorry this is so long but I wanted u to know yr not alone. Iam here if u need anything and this site has so many great people who will support u. Like Pat who commented before me she was my first friend and reached out to me when I needed help so badly. Wed are here to support u and welcome u...message me if u need anything.~gtowngirl~  

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!  The main thing you need to do is first to get clean and second to talk to someone to help you with the gout without giving you narcotics.  You don't want this to keep consuming your life, and it will.  I have heard gout is painful, but I've never had it.  You'll be at your best to help your daughter and be relieved of guilt if you make your mind up to be clean.  Your guilt right now has to be put on the back burner so that you can concentrate on getting clean, ok?  As hard as it is, stop beating on yourself.  It's not helping.  We have all done things that we aren't proud of at some point.  It's gonna be ok!

[worried878]

Gout is affected by your diet tremendously.  Google a gout diet and avoid the foods and beverages like alcohol and red meat that flare it up.  Try alternative pain relief like ice, heat, elevation, massage...whatever helps.  A pain mgt doctor will bombard u with narcs as a rule....if u go and do not want to sind further into the dark hole, tell him u want alternative forms of pain relief.  Narcs only affect the signal to the brain and not the pain itself...it only makes us not care that we hurt....and addiction is more painful for many than the physical ailment they took them for
keep posting

[Pat1956100]

Hi Chris
I read your story and your earlier posts.  How are you going to handle the gout flare ups if you go off of the opiates?
It sounds like your addiction is getting worse and you are taking stronger meds.  If you want help getting totally off the pills, we can help you through withdrawal.
You have been there before so you know what to expect.
Are you planning on tapering or going cold turkey?
A lot of us have done things that we aren't very proud of to get pills, so stop beating yourself up.  It's the addiction.  
Would your doctor help you with a taper plan?
Sorry if I am all over the place but I am going on very little sleep lol.