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Need help...Falling apart..

I am addicted to Vicodin and I just hate what it is doing to me. It all started a couple of years ago when I got a breast augmentation surgery and they gave me percocet. Before that, I had never taken anything..I hated the feeling. My fiance and I have been together for 7 years and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. After the surgery I took half a percocet every 6 hours for the pain and that was almost too much for me. I was in college at the time and working full time. I then started to take the rest of the script when at school, helped me concentrate. When the script was done, I thought nothing of it. That was until my fiance started having issues with his back and got a script for Vicodin. He started getting like 30 a month, then 60, then 120, then 150. Anytime he went into his doctor, the doctor would literally ask if he needed more or maybe some oxy too, which he never did get. Needless to say, the extra was for me. I took them, everyday and I still do. I hate myself. My life is falling apart. I was always that person who never did drugs. I have never done anything else. I hate that I cannot get off of them. My life is in turmoil right now and I feel this is my escape. I went from having a 4.0 in college to dropping out because of being exhausted and I am pretty sure I was depressed. My fiance has had a gambling problem, really bad like hundreds of thousands spent and it has affected me so badly. He has ruined my life, my credit, everything. I resent him. He just recently did it once again and I am stressed and confused. He had me quit the job I hated to stay home with my daughter like i wanted. Mainly I think from his guilt of what he has put me through, having to have my whole paycheck ripped from me because of his problem. I have had so much stress the last few years. I want to quit these stupid freakin' pills so bad. I hate them. I hate taking them, but I do everyday.

I take the 10 mg ones. No more than 4 a day. For the last 3 years. I take a half like every 2 hours throughout the whole day. It started with me taking a half. Then went up and up and from 4 hours to now 2 hours. I cannot do anything without them. I have no motivation without them. It *****. I was never like this. I used to be the most driven women in the world. I am only 25. I want more for myself. I was going to be a lawyer. Since my fiances last **** up, we are done. I feel like an emotional wreck to have wasted o much of my life on someone who promised me everything. I am beautiful woman and I just pick idiots. So, I am looking into going back to school in the fall and I am finally doing what I want with my life. I need to do it. I want to get off these pills and have thought for the last year about it. The problem is that no one knows about it, no one. I am terrified of the withdrawal. Just waking up in the morning is rough. I need a half immediately. I have seriously thought about killing myself. I do not think I could actually do it, just not in me. However, my life is just ****. I am an idiot for doing this to myself. I cannot get a real job because of the drug test. How did I let this happen? I was always the sober one. I don't even drink.

I am truly sorry for the long saga. I just need to vent. Honestly, this is only the tip of the iceberg. My life is just messed up. Any advice would be appreciated! I want to quit CT really bad, real quick. I am so afraid.....
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Avatar universal
Just checking in on you......how are you??  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so glad you found this forum.  I crept around here for months before actually posting, mainly because I wasn't ready to give them up.  But....I got busted....WAKE UP CALL!!  I made an appt that day to talk to my doctor to see what he could do to help.  I am on day 3, and yes, while it's not plesant, not going to lie.  But excersie has helped me focus, I used to weight train, run everyday, and pills turned me into a slug.  The funny thing is, at first i felt like I had all this energy. the they turn on you!  But I can tell you sweetie, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  After three days, my house has never been cleaner!!  :)  I am not going to let this beat me, I am going to beat it.  You just have to make up your mind that you can do it.  And you can!  There are so many people on here that can help you vent through all those feelings, and keep posting, it has been very theriputic for me.  Don't worry about the WD, it's going to happen.  But with the neds my doc gave me, it's been managable.  He gave me Clonidine, Klonopin and something for naseua (just in case)

The most important thing sweetie is to keep your mind focused on your old desires and dreams, find healthy thing to occupy your mind.  Find the things that used to make you happy :).  We are all here for you.  Please keep posting, I can't wait to hear when your clean.....:)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have been on them for 3 years as well. How many were you taking? I am extremely nervous, but oddly excited. Excited to be the person I know I can be. I have tried the tapering thing but I just cant control going and getting another one. I have gotten it down to 3.5 now, sometimes 3. I think the only way I can go is CT. It is mainly because I take them every 2 hours and I only take one half at a time. I have tried cutting them in quarters which still works, tricks myself I think. I am trying now to go 3-4 between the half. Really hard, because it is like they are haunting me. I feel like I cannot do anything if I do not have one first. I cannot wait until this is over. I cannot imagine the pain of withdrawal would be worse then the pain of these stupid pills controlling my life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have been on Vicodin for 3 years and just quit about 6 days ago. I won't lie to you.. the withdrawls are extremely hard but well worth it.You can expect lots of body pain.. was mainly in legs and arms for me, Nausea, Imsomnia and Depression. The worst is over in 4 or so days. Although i'm still VERY achy, I do feel alot better now. I suggest tapering if possible. Goodluck. If I did it... you can do it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am just so petrified... I went to bed last night determined I was going to do it. What is so rough about is that I take it every 2 hours, its the frequency. Its a habit almost. I just want to be the person I used to be. I know I used to have more energy and was more out going. These pills have made me feel like a zombie and I hate it. I want to be normal again, especially for my daughter. I have big dreams and these are only holding me back. These stupid, small, white, insignificant pills that are given out every time someone has an ache or pain. Makes me feel week, that I cannot have more control over them. I try to remember my life back before these things as my motivation. I never thought this would happen to me. Seems unfathomable. So, I need to pick a quit date. Unfortunately, nothing I can do about being alone. My daughter is always with me and I think that might help me. She always knows how to make me happy and keep me busy. I am thinking a ton of exercise will help. I also am wondering what else might help? Maybe some energy drinks or something? I read about getting some anti-anxiety meds, but I really don't want to take anything anymore. I am a strong person, always succeeded at everything I did. I know I can do this. Just another challenge and I do love a good challenge.
What are the main things I could potentially feel? Just like I have the flu? I wish I had some sort of placebo or something... It seems like this addiction is mainly mental, honestly. I do not get a high feeling anymore, haven't for a while. Mainly since I never took more than one half a pill at a time, ever. That would probably help many people, having some sort of placebo pill. Something they thought was vicodin, but wasn't. Now I am curious.... Thanks for all the support everyone! It truly means the world to me. I have no one here and your willingness to help is an amazing feeling. At least I know I am not alone and I can do this!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hang in there, your admission of your problem and honesty is the first step to getting better. Praying for you. Thank God for forums like this one. Can't wait to hear your success story later!
Helpful - 0
753324 tn?1457819192
  I can feel your pain in reading your post. I cant say i know exactly how you feel, but i have had similar thoughts and feelings.

  First, try not to get so worked up about w/d.Your dose is really not that high, and w/d may not be as bad as your thinking it up to be. You need to get prepared mentally and physically. Can you get a few days away from all obligation? As w/d for most last about a week w/days 3-4 being worst.  
Helpful - 0
822153 tn?1333062995
Hi there and welcome.Sounds like you have a lot going on but it also sounds like you are determined.Being sober IS scary after using for awhil;e,no doubt.But the benefits far outweigh the downside.It will be tough,no doubt but you CAN do it if you truly want to.Think of the positives you have going on-going back to school is huge;finding a job and not worrying about the drug testing;etc.You can do this...we're here to help.Read other's posts,journals,the health pages.Stay with us....we've all been there before some fall off the wagon but you pick yourself back up and start over again.You are too young to throw your life away to drugs-trust me.I've been an addict since I've been 13 (I'm 36 now) and looking back I can't remember YEARS due to drugs.You don't want that.Good luck to you;stay strong;and keep your guard up!!Here if you need to talk~Anne
Helpful - 0
1349329 tn?1276985202
Hi, and welcome to the forum.  This is a good place to Vent.

First of all, I would say "take yourself off the torture rack."  You don't deserve to be on it, and you don't need to punish yourself so harshly.  What happened to you has happened to so many of us.  We start on pain meds for a Surgery or other condition and then somewhere it gets out of control, then our lives get out of control, and we are miserable and can't see a way out.

In a way, your story is similar to mine because growing up I was always the "over-achiever."  I came from a family of Alcoholics and Addicts but I wasn't going to let that happen to me.

I put myself through College, got my Masters (while I was a single parent) had a successfull business, and "then" at 41 I got married and had a second child.  I was in no way prepared for the stress of the marriage.  After 2 1/2 years I Hated the person I was married to.

I had some very painful dental work done, and even though all my life I had avoided pain medication, it hurt so much, I thought, what will 1 Vicodin do.  Well, it did alot.  I became emotionally hooked that day and struggled for the next 10 years while raising my daughter and trying to keep up the appearance of having a "Happy Marriage."

A few years ago I started going to 12 Step meetings, but it took me awhile to really want recovery, because recovery meant coming to terms with my marriage.  I finally became so unhappy that I did want recovery, and have been working hard on it for awhile now.   Right now I am having a medication set-back, but I will overcome this, and I know my life will get better.

Just know you have found a good place to come and reach out to other people, and it may be slow, but you CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK.

You may not believe or know it, but you are a brave and courageous woman to take the first step by coming here and admitting you have a problem and that you need help.
Helpful - 0
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