Need some encouragement/advice

Ok, so here's my story. I'm nearing my 23rd birthday and have been reguarly using pills (ATLEAST once a week) since I was 15.  My sister and I used to sell xanax for years, so that was my thing until about 3 years ago when I switched to pain killers- worst idea ever. if i could take it back i would sooo much.   I've been taking roxicet, or percocet 30 mg's, consistently since then. Got up to around 60-75 mg a day and got off them last week. can't keep shelling out 20-25$ a pill- ya insane rip off i know- for something that is only working against me, always. its been one week.

There has been two times since I was 15 i've stayed completely clean from pills- one month last january, and 3 monthes when i was 18. I have no idea how to live my life without them, i don't know how to be happy with out them, how do normal people do it? how do normal people just be normal, not think about pills, just be content? its so foreign to me. How can they get up in the morning? not want to feel better? The funny thing is that hardly anybody knows of my addiction after all this time. I'm about to graduate college with a 3.5, always great employee at work, great relationship with my parents.  I've watched so many friends around me end up in jail, dead, rehab, whatever... while here i am, no better really, but somehow making it by with no one really noticing.  My best friend turned into a herion/ oxycotin junkie and all my mom can say is shes SO SO happy i never got into drugs or pills. My best friend had never tried pills before she met me, i introduced them to her and was her partner in crime for years.

Anyways thats off topic, that guilt isnt the issue. Its just figuring out how to do this, am i missing something? I know I've f'd up my endorphines big time, is there anything i can do to feel BETTER? happier? I have NO energy, NO motivation to do anything, nothing seems fun or interesting. I'm trying to exercise more- actually did a 10k a couple days ago- yep even in the midst of withdrawling haha.  still even getting motivation to exercise is difficult. i'm taking fish oil, B complex, and multivitamin. Have been on antidepressants since i was 13, and taking zoloft currently.

I really appreciate anyone that is actually taking the time to listen to my long ramble, it really means a lot to just kinda vent and write it all down, put it in perspective. I don't have money to actually get into a program, would rather deal with this myself, but i'm just wondering how other people have dealt with it, any secrets? I know not wanting a pill is probably going to be a struggle for me for the rest of my life. i get it. it *****. it really *****. but is there anyway to feel a little better, have a little more energy, SOMETHING!

I was so young when all this started... if only i'd had any idea what i was getting into before it was too late ya know? oh well. still young i guess, just have to somehow find the strength or motivation to want to stay clean, because right now i'm just not convinced its for me. I WANT to be normal, i really really do, i just dont know. i just don't know if i can take life as it is.

thanks for listening,

Maggie

[mpace6983]

I kicked a dilaudid habit years ago. The physical withdrawels lasted a couple of week or so, but the mental part took a long time. I think that when you take psycoactive drugs you are hyperstimulating  the pleasure centers of you brain. So things that would normally make you happy dont stimulate the happy center of the brain nearly as much as the chemicals did. And if youve ever had a pinched nerve,you know its really slow to heal. I think ist the same with your CNS. But if you stay off the chemicals,it will return to normal and things that make unaddicted people will begin to make you happy too. This is just my theory. But now,going out for a nice dinner,winning at a pick up basketball game,things like that make me happy.And if you can stay clean those things will start to make you happy too. Sometimes Paxil will help with the depression. Ask your doc. GOOD LUCK

[TakingAction]

I just typed you a damn book and lost it.  What is it with this site?  Happens all the time.

Well here is the shorter version.  I too am kicking the pills and am about where you are in the process, a little further perhaps.  I also have taken zoloft and fish oil for years.  I just turned 26.  So really, you are my female counterpart!

My advice to you is to try to settle down and take care of yourself for now.  Try not to focus on what life will be like sober and all of the things to do in the future.  Right now, take as good care of your body and mind as you can.  The detox will start to fade, though you most likely will feel sluggish and depressed for a little bit.  This is what I am struggling with right now.  

Also, keep coming back to this forum.  You will find that all of these people share your story and can really be of help when you need it.  Soon you will be offering advice to others.  Try to focus on the little things that make you feel better right now, and take it one day at a time.  Nothing can stop time, and each second you stay clean is a second closer to relief.  

I think most of us have been uncomforatable in our skin for years, hence the drug abuse.  In time you may discover reasons why you turned to drugs in the first place.  But now is not the time.  Just focus on getting yourself a few weeks clean.  Everything in your head right now is probably scrambled.  When the fog and depression clears, you can start to deal with real life.  I can tell you this, even though it is painful coming through this... I am starting to feel alive again.  Not so happy right now, but starting to feel emotions I have not felt in a long time.  It is nice.  

Time will heal the wounds of detox.  You will survive it.  Try not to listen to the voice in your head right now.  It probably is telling you to do more than you can.  Just breathe and hang in there!

Matt