Need support

[missa923]

I have been fighting this addiction for almost 3 years off and on. I have went through withdrawal really bad like 5 times. I have recently learned how to do these stupid pills just enough days to not go into withdrawal and wait a few days and do them again. The longest I was clean in 2010 was 30 days. I made it 21 days 2 other times but most the time it is 4 to 10 days. I do not do a lot mainly up to 50mg hydro's a day spread out. I like the high but do not like to be out of it. It's the only way I can hide it. I feel like I am living a lie, one big secret. Recently I got ahold of some oxycodone 5mg and took 40mg for a few days and then read on here they are worse than hydros so I didn't take anymore. I am 1 day clean and feel fine other than the mental regret and feel like I am never going to be able to stay clean for good. The last time my husband knew I detoxed off these I wanted to start going to meetings and he didn't want me to becaue he didn't want me to run into someone we know. He thiks I should be strng enough but i am not. I am so tired of this. I have some more oxycodone and everything in me says throw them away but that demon inside is saying one more time. I feel so lost inside.  

[vantart]

Good move! Flush them I tell you, so they gone. If the darn things are in the trash can I might dive in after them in the next minute. Opiates call  out my name when there in the same place as I am. That is if I know they are there. It's unreal the pull those darn things have. There is no way I could stop thinking about them if  they were in my house.
My wife keeps a little wine in the frig. She may have a glass once a month. Doesn't
bother me at all. But the narcotics, they sing  me a lullaby using my name in the song.
Good luck with that! Do it before the "addict" talks you out of it.
Not sure how to do the name change?? I'm new to the forum myself.
If you change it how are we to know when Ms is back?

[missa923]

I am throwing out all the oxycodone I have. If I want to get clean I can not have any in the house. It's so much easier if they are not in reach. You always tell yourself your not going to do them but keep them just in case something happens and you need them. I went years and years and never needed them. I even had surgery and after 4 days could not stand to take another one and had 2 refills left. So I am saying goodbye to them. I am going to stay active through this website but am going to redo my profile with another name bacause if someone I knew got on here and saw this nickname they would know who it is. Does anyone know how to change your name on here so I can keep this profile??

[stephaniejo]

I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone. It's like I am reading something I wrote. I have the same problems coming clean and I still haven't made the same step you have. I have another dr.s appt at the end of the month and all I can think is "should I get another refill".. my body, mind and heart say NO, but the "demon" says yes. He says no you can't do this and you need those pills. Fortunately our bodies are amazing
things and they heal in time. The problem is getting through that time. So I wish you luck and I would like to be here for you to talk about our struggles together. It's a start, since I am not in any position to attend the NA or AA meetings either.

-Stephanie

[vantart]

Hang in there! I'm at 22 days today of methadone. The drug straight out of the gates of hell.Hitler's doctors came up with the original formula to keep the men in battle while in severe pain. what a guy.
Opiates grab you by for frigging soul! I'm free and plan to stay that way.
A day at a time. I'm on naltrexone which blocks the opiate receptors in the brain. I'd have to take enough to OD if I were to try and use again. Good box for me to live in for a while. That first 10 to 12 days was hellish. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. (well maybe Hitler if he were around)
You may find an opiate blocker may help for a few months. I'm doing several things.
Some of these may help you.
Meetings, exercise, meditation,drinking protein shakes loaded with amino acids.
Hell, I even went to see a hypnotist that my sponsor suggested. It's helped.
Get all the help you can. We're dealing with a formidable foe! Lastly, don't isolate no matter what. I had to force myself out of bed after 3 days with the covers pulled over my head. It was hard but I did it. Every minute that goes by I am further away from that crap
and closer to recovery!  Van

[missa923]

He doesn't want me to run into one of our friends and them find out about my addiction. Our old friends have lots of problems and my husband knows everyone. I even thought about going an hour away and he still didn't hink it was a good idea. My husband doesn't even know I have been doing them again. He think the last time I used was feb 2010. I do great as long as I do not have any here, sure I think about it alot but the thoughts leave soon. I have beat meth addiction and I was shooting up and it wasn't this hard. I feel so guilty. I look at my little girl and think of what she would go through if I wasn't here and you think that would be enough but I still do more. Then I read the stories on here and I am not doing as much as most on here and I still can not quit. It's almost as if I use to make the guilt go away. Does that even make sense??

[tomskat]

Hi there and welcome!!Congrtas on your desicion to quit.You CAN do this...it's painful,yes,but it is short-lived and so worth the alternative-being clean!!As for the NA meetings,I personally say go and tell your husband you NEED them,because you Do need some sort of aftercare.And the thing with NA&AA is that they are ANONYMOUS-what is said stays there as does who goes there-people won't call you out on the street or anything like that.Just an FYI about that. You have come to the right place-we won't judge,just support.Keep posting when you crave read posts,check out the health PAges,network...we're all here for each other.Stay strong and keep your guard up.Here if you need anything~A

[LeaAnn807]

Hey!  Honey, the thing to do is toss those things and don't even look back.  It won't be long until you will start having WDs, because you will take them just one day too long!  The deal is, as addicts we won't ever control our use for very long.  I have no doubt that I could take pills for a day or two here and there for  a little bit and maybe be ok??!  But that "here and there" would become more and more often until I was in the same exact position that I tried so hard to get out of!

It's not worth it....not at ALL!  Just stop now before your life is centered around pills! : )

[ANewLife4Me]

You can and will stay off these things for good.  If you cannot attend meetings, can you go to therapy, or an addiction specialist?  The mental battle is horrible as you mentioned but you can do this.  Stick with it, make tomorrow your day 2, so on and so forth.  Get some counseling if you can, would your hubby be opposed to that?  If it helps keep you clean...
Please flush the pills, and keep posting.  You will find support here, and you do not have to feel so alone :)