Neither here nor there

Last time I posted here was 11 days ago when I had relapsed into my codeine, ultram, soma habit for that day, after that i felt really bad, came here, let myself vent, many people here cheered me up and made me see that it's not that big a deal, I just start again. After that I did not use the other day but the day after that, I went out and had codeine anyway after I was tired without sleep, angry because of fights at home and basically at the whole world, why did it all have to be this complicated!! :)
To cut the long story short, I have taken codeine about 5 times in the last 11 days (including today) and I am very scared. I really don't want to slip into my old patterns of behaviour, but I can't control myself either.

Drug use is without any doubt the worst kind of problem in the whole world, on the one hand you know drugs are bad, you know you should stop using or maybe not start using them, you know you do not want to go where you can score the drugs, you know you do not want to use the money you have for the drugs (or get money doing all kinds of awful things when you are in to it big time) buy drugs and then use them (after you say to yourself 'just this once') but you do all of this anyway, then you decide, absolutely DECIDE that no matter what, this was the last time, you will be clean from tomorrow.
The next morning you wake up and say to yourself the same thing and as the 'magic hour' approaches, the same thing happens all over again! and one is so so dissapointed in himself/herself and people around you who know think you are just ******* off, fooling them, that you want to do just this; they are pissed at you because of the exact reasons you are pissed at yourself....!  

Well, I am fighting it and it's taking all of my will power, need some advice from old-timers and experienced folks here, how can one deal with the mental craving for it, the craving for that feeling of calm and warmth you get from opioids? What helps? My mind is my biggest enemy, it keeps reminding me how wonderful opium makes me feel but does not remember all the fuckups that opium caused until I consciously remind it! This really is hard!
I drink instead, watch TV, do this and that and at the end of the day, I still find that I had some anyway (It does not help that I don't have much of a life now, screwed it all in the past 2 years or so in which I was very heavy on drugs) I can't in a snap go back to a life that I left behind, I know it'll take time to build a new life which will then keep me occupied and out of drugs, it's just a question of being clean for some consecutive months!! I am so scared about if I'll get through to that..............

[newmanagment]

the only way your are going to get thru a few consecutive months is if you fight for it. im not bashing  you , but we are addicts that make our own choices. instead of choosing to use, you have to choose to do something else. look inmy journals at cathys craving list, it will help with the cravings, but it doesnt just do it for ya. you have to apply your mind to staying clean as well as your body... i had to go get food last night, and wut we call ghetto-mart, is the closest store, my dealer was there...i said hi and walked out... drove 10 miles to another store... that was my choice. does this make sense to ya?

[toxictome]

HI...glad you're back...

The old saying is...."NOTHING CHANGES, IF NOTHING CHANGES"
You are going  to have to think about changing persons, places and things!

Getting clean is the EASY part...STAYING clean is the HARD part...

Have you checked out any NA mtgs.? There people will share their experiences of what they do to stay clean..if you don't want to talk...just go and listen..you have to start somewhere....

If we spend as much time TRYING to stay clean as we spent on scoring, using, etc. our drugs...we should be able to build up some  clean time...one day at a time....

this is hard work...you have want it more than you want the buzz...

Try something different....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

[marcatj]

Raj.. it IS a big deal.. and you have to stop.

just reading your post i can tell how DOWN this is bringing you.  "here and there" leads to every day and we all know it does..

is there anything you can think of, or have been thinking of, that is different you can do to help you stop this time?

because you can stop.  just not the same way you've been trying.

try something new.  it's time to stop using... and we'll all help you the best we can.  but at the end of the day this has to be a choice that YOU make.

good luck Raj...

mj

[Raj786]

Of course I tried NA and maybe NA program has a lot of truth in it! for one thing, I have a big ego (like they say in NA) though I am nobody great (at least not yet.) My relations are a bit sore with some of the people that come in the meetings here and that is why I don't go, mine is a small town with hardly 7 or 8 groups and the same people come everyday and I don't go because of a silly reason like what I said! Yes, I have planned on going one evening and just saying hi and smiling a bit and patching up etc, but I don't get down to it and newmanagement, the thing you said about driving 10 miles to another store, those are the kind of things that I do, makes no sense to 'common' people out there, but it sure does to me...

[newmanagment]

yeah raj, addict like us dont do what normal people do when we are cleaning up. PEOPLE PLACES THINGS   change those and you are starting down the right path. if you dont like your na, come on here more!! i cant make meetings daily, so i use this forum as a way to stay accountable. if ya are here and make some friends (like me) they will start to wonder if ya arent around one day, and they will fill your inbox if ya are gone 2 days with out telling them!! i love it, but the first step is to start fighting your addcited mind set.  try this, make a list of all you can have without dope, and all you have with it!! see which one is longer my friend!! thanx for the commnent on my journal, sure wish it was a movie on tv, then i could just change the channel!! LOL

[cathy5841]

raj, you can do this, but it will be hard.  you have to choose once and forever you will not use pills again.  then every morning you reaffirm that choice.  in worrieds journal she has some info on fighting cravings.  determine to take your life back.  stay away from anyone you associate with drugs....no matter who they are.  stay away from places you associate with drug use.  get a plan then work theplan.  if you need help you know you can find it here.  by now you know just saying you wanna be clean dont make you clean.  you have to work for it,  itis worth