Aa
Never let your guard down...
Hey all! I have been MIA for awhile due to work madness, studying for a licensing exam, severe PTSD anxiety with my one little boy and just life. I wanted to pop in to share a recent relapse I had because it simply speaks to the unrelenting power of this addiction. Also, it reinforces the need for aftercare, as so many drill into our heads here, yet I slacked on. As many of you know, my husband is disabled and on pain management and I took his oxy and Percocet off/on the past 7-8 years. Truly, I was really completely clean when I was trying to conceive and pregnant. My use escalated over the past 2-3 years. I finally started a two year battle of trying to get clean and ultimately first stopped the oxy and then he tapered me off Percocet. His meds have been locked in a mega keyless safe for a few months now and I cannot access them unless given to me. I had come completely off for a couple weeks and was so happy. Two weeks ago his scripts were ready and he asked me to pick them up. Maybe that was foolish of him but he thought it would be fine, bags stapled and forms attached. I had no thoughts about them on my way there but once I had the bags in hand in my car, I carefully extracted the staple, open the bag and took 3 percocets. The 60mg oxy was in same bag (80s in other) and I did not take them. If I am being honest with myself, probably only because I knew he would count the oxy. I popped all 3 at once before I got home. When I walked in, I put the bags on counter and told him I was taking off receipts to submit to my FSA. I didn't want him to see i tampered with bag even though I put it back pretty well. He immediately counted all the meds and I saw the crushing disappointment and hurt for my deception. I was so disappointed in myself and so upset for making him so hurt. We got past it but it was a harsh reminder that if we are not doing aftercare faithfully, it doesn't take much to falter. I am sorry for disappointing all of you. I am happy to say I am back on track and trying to go to a meeting a week and online meetings. I met with my son's new therapist for 90 minutes tonight to give her background on him and was reminded how helpful therapy was for me over the years and I am going to start going to address my underlying issues. Anyway, wishing you all well and I pray for you all daily. Please pray I pass my exam Friday :-). Hugs to all! JJ
Have been meaning to reach out and thank you for your kind words and advice, as always. My relapse just reinforced what you have always stressed about aftercare. I am putting in the work now and while this was definitely a bitter pill to swallow (no pun intended), it was a harsh reminder of the power of addiction and the need for continual aftercare. Thank you and I hope you are well!!
So we fall down. Being human, it's what we do. The good rises above all else and continue on their journey through life. We learn from our mistakes as we struggle in our efforts because it's worth it. Proud of the way you stood back up Junip. This also what we do....ike
Hi good to see you back but I wish it where on better circumstances I f/ing Hate relapse it use to happen to me around every 90 days then 6 mo finely one phrase at N/A stuck...''you never have to use again'' it certainly wasent from lack of effort but more from not understanding the disease witch is cunning baffling and powerful...once you get to the point where you see strong will wont work you finely surrender to it I know today that the addictive brain is how im wired and that is ok I have learned how to deal with it for me I keep myself in the N/A program 4 meetings a week a service commitment and work the 12 steps when I get the urge to use I reach out I have a network of clean friends to call I have learned when my brain is feeding itself bul/sh it to think with my heart I go threw a self talk and use reason rather then impulse to respond to the feelings rather then react...even after over 5yr clean I still get my moments but there few and far between I dont brush off feelings any more I work threw them it is ok to feel like this just not act out I have said this a million times the addict is alive and well in my head I still deal with the compulsions the obsessions and resentments about life but I dont spend time dwelling in these negative emotions...I still get my days where that addict in my head is screaming ''get loaded'' but the bottom line...I never pick up no mater what'' feelings go away if you allow them to.. the screaming will cease if I alow it to all I know is when I used it was every day I wasited a lot of time getting using and trying to get more it took a lot more then the 4hr I spend at meeting a week today so N/A has truely gave me my life back and a amazing one at that I have lost all but the most distant memorys of using and have lost the very desire to use with the execpton of a few bad days here and there N/A is the only program that I know of that can do that for you give it a chance...........Gnarly
I'm glad some of what I said clicked for you. These are things this forum has not been real big on sharing. I mean, we talk about aftercare all the time, but mostly we say to find some, not actually share the coping skills it taught us. I am not sure why, likely because this forum is not enough, those who mostly succeed, seem to be those who are also involved in local aftercare. I just wanted to give some examples of what my aftercare has taught me, but my posts are a summary at best, I could write a couple books on just the coping skills I have tried. I often suggest David D. Burns, "The Feeling Good Handbook." It is antiquated, but still very applicable, I paid .44 cents plus shipping for my latest hardback. I give them to local friends and get another one. One thing I did early on, was if I felt overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, or any negative feeling, I would go into that book and learn one new coping skill. Over time, I found I was having less severe and less often negative feelings. I still felt sad, still do sometimes, but i don't think of sad as negative. If I am sad because a friend died of OD, I don't want that to go away instantly. If I am so anxious I can't get anything constructive done, then I do want that feeling to go away. I stopped thinking of feeling good or bad and started thinking of it as feeling constructive or destructive, not placing a value on either. When you want to demo a house, destruction is good, when you want to rest, construction is bad. There is no right or wrong feelings, only constructive and destructive, Yin and Yang forever interacting. That helps me anyway, it helps me to give my feelings the value they deserve, without placing a judgment on them. Keep on growing, seek your inspiration, you WILL instinctively handle situations that used to baffle you, I would bet on it.
Spike, no worries, I completely get it with Weaver, he is amazing. You are all so wonderful and I thank you for your encouragement and reminder that all is not lost due to that big transgression. I am more motivated than ever and you are right...just for today. (())
Weaver, SO much of what you said resonates so deeply with me and you are absolutely right. I do need a new MO and I also need to learn to surrender, which has ALWAYS been a challenge for me. I am so in need of control in all things and frankly there is so much in my life that I cannot control. I cannot control the fact that my stepchildren do not appreciate that I have given 150% of myself to them since they were small children and even though their mom is not a good role model, that is their mom and I will always be their stepmom. I cannot focus on the hurt. I cannot focus on the fact that my husband is not the same man I met and married; he is still wonderful and we make the best of the situation but I cannot change it so I have to make the best of it. I CAN control what kind of wife and mom and stepmom and employee I am and that is what I need to focus on because I am damn good at a lot of those things. I just have to accept that I cannot have perfection, and like you said, PROGRESS is key. I certainly have come a long way since my first day on this forum and I am proud of that; you are right that although relapse IS a big deal, so is all of the progress I made.
It's funny..what really hit me this week was when I was filling out the intake forms for my son's therapist. It asked about substance abuse and even though it was directed at him as the patient, all I could think about was that my kids deserve better than a mom that is dependent upon any mind altering substance. I FOUGHT for those babies, I had 3 surgeries, gave myself 4 shots a day, had 5 IVF cycles and finally realized my dream using an egg donor. I carried my boys and I was clean as a whistle through all my cycles and pregnancy and it was easy. What has changed? I am blessed and I want to be the best for myself and for my family. Geez, I nearly lost my son 2.5 years ago and he is not suffering PTSD which is gut-wrenching; I need to be healthy and present.
Thank you for your words, they are always eloquent and thought provoking and I have tears in my eyes. I truly love my friends here, I wish I could gather you all up and squeeze you to bits!
It's funny..what really hit me this week was when I was filling out the intake forms for my son's therapist. It asked about substance abuse and even though it was directed at him as the patient, all I could think about was that my kids deserve better than a mom that is dependent upon any mind altering substance. I FOUGHT for those babies, I had 3 surgeries, gave myself 4 shots a day, had 5 IVF cycles and finally realized my dream using an egg donor. I carried my boys and I was clean as a whistle through all my cycles and pregnancy and it was easy. What has changed? I am blessed and I want to be the best for myself and for my family. Geez, I nearly lost my son 2.5 years ago and he is not suffering PTSD which is gut-wrenching; I need to be healthy and present.
Thank you for your words, they are always eloquent and thought provoking and I have tears in my eyes. I truly love my friends here, I wish I could gather you all up and squeeze you to bits!
Thank you so much for your kind words and for your support. It was an eye opener for me and if I can learn from every mistake, as I have always said in my life in all things, then it was not in vain. I certainly am under a great deal of stress, like so many, but I need to find new ways to cope. I was actually meeting with the therapist regarding my 5 year old son but I really liked her and got a lot out of it and think I am going to see her for myself. I have been in therapy throughout the years but not for some time and it is due. Thank you so much!!!!
Sorry Junip, sooooo not trying to ignore your post, but wanted to reply to Weaver on here..I could literally read your posts non-stop and get something new from them every.dang.time! I'm a writer (on the side, cuz y'know if only we could make a living at what we LOVE to do, eh?) but have you ever considered writing on these topics?? your insight, intellect and genuine care for people and their addictions and behaviors are noteworthy. just wanted you to know that!
and back to Junip, I sooooo agree, NO, relapse isn't something little or a bump, but do NOT let those three rob you of the success you have had the last few months. We let down the most the ones we love the most, it stinks big time, but we've ALLLLLL been there. Bootstraps up, after-care scheduled, hug 'n kiss on the hubby, deep breath, and you got this TODAY. just today m'friend, this is all we are guaranteed anyways!
and back to Junip, I sooooo agree, NO, relapse isn't something little or a bump, but do NOT let those three rob you of the success you have had the last few months. We let down the most the ones we love the most, it stinks big time, but we've ALLLLLL been there. Bootstraps up, after-care scheduled, hug 'n kiss on the hubby, deep breath, and you got this TODAY. just today m'friend, this is all we are guaranteed anyways!
If nothing changes, nothing changes. That came to mind as I read this. One thing I have spent a lot of time doing is creating a new Modus Operandi. My instinct, for a long time, was to make the feelings go away. I realized that, just like you have. So, I started trying to figure out how to change my MO. When I have a strong feeling, I ask myself, "What is this feeling motivating me to change?" That is how it started. There are many things I can't change and must accept, but i started by changing the things I could. My feelings don't want me to change my feelings, but that which caused them, often times it has been my thinking that caused my feelings, other times it's bipolar, and then there are the legit problems on top of it all. Practice has made me able to tell the difference, sometimes anyway.
Then came the surrender concept, learning to accept those things I can't change is difficult. I have found that by changing the things I can, those things that I can't change seem to consume me less, but we are never God, so we never have complete control over everything, never. Getting used to feeling out of control and accepting it, just like when I had to detox, all feelings are that way. Like detox also, I have had to do things I didn't want to to get to where I want to be, that seems like it will never end. I may not like it, I don't even want to like it, but I can respond in ways that are better than escape in drugs. When the drugs wear off, the problem is still there, whether I can change it or not. Drugs stopped being an option, as I had my therapist, friends, family to talk to and feel things out. I didn't have those resources on drugs, drugs where my only option, or so I thought. Now, I know better and have created other options.
There are always other options, but until we use those options for awhile, our MO doesn't change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Changing our perception is not a one step process, CBT helps me a lot with that. For example, a common thing I see is relapse. People disqualify months of progress, due to a day or so of use. That is a lie, that is what made me go on a runner, every time I relapsed. You have gained knowledge, friends and support, the work you have done is not gone, so you are not starting over. I don't like calling a relapse a bump or a slip, I think it makes it seem like a small deal, it's not. But it also doesn't take away the wisdom and support one has gained, are you in a better place than you were on day one, your first day on this forum, or the first time you decided to quit? Do not disqualify ALL your progress, just because you made a mistake.
Progress over perfection, learn from mistakes, embrace the truth, just never stop growing, no matter how you feel. It gets easier, I know that now. I didn't believe the old timers, when they said it would get better, even my wife had surrendered that I was never going to heal any more. That hurt a lot, I mean a lot, but i didn't give up on healing all the way, even when everyone else had. I didn't really believe I would heal, but had nothing to lose, so I kept trying all the advice given. Some I liked, some I didn't, but I had to try it all to know what did work, I couldn't seem to find out what works, then go to it. I just had to keep experimenting and living just beyond my comfort zone, which was kind of easy, it that I was miserable all the time anyway. Find a therapist you like, you know it's your thinking that lead you here, so lets work on changing that, do whatever it takes.
Then came the surrender concept, learning to accept those things I can't change is difficult. I have found that by changing the things I can, those things that I can't change seem to consume me less, but we are never God, so we never have complete control over everything, never. Getting used to feeling out of control and accepting it, just like when I had to detox, all feelings are that way. Like detox also, I have had to do things I didn't want to to get to where I want to be, that seems like it will never end. I may not like it, I don't even want to like it, but I can respond in ways that are better than escape in drugs. When the drugs wear off, the problem is still there, whether I can change it or not. Drugs stopped being an option, as I had my therapist, friends, family to talk to and feel things out. I didn't have those resources on drugs, drugs where my only option, or so I thought. Now, I know better and have created other options.
There are always other options, but until we use those options for awhile, our MO doesn't change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Changing our perception is not a one step process, CBT helps me a lot with that. For example, a common thing I see is relapse. People disqualify months of progress, due to a day or so of use. That is a lie, that is what made me go on a runner, every time I relapsed. You have gained knowledge, friends and support, the work you have done is not gone, so you are not starting over. I don't like calling a relapse a bump or a slip, I think it makes it seem like a small deal, it's not. But it also doesn't take away the wisdom and support one has gained, are you in a better place than you were on day one, your first day on this forum, or the first time you decided to quit? Do not disqualify ALL your progress, just because you made a mistake.
Progress over perfection, learn from mistakes, embrace the truth, just never stop growing, no matter how you feel. It gets easier, I know that now. I didn't believe the old timers, when they said it would get better, even my wife had surrendered that I was never going to heal any more. That hurt a lot, I mean a lot, but i didn't give up on healing all the way, even when everyone else had. I didn't really believe I would heal, but had nothing to lose, so I kept trying all the advice given. Some I liked, some I didn't, but I had to try it all to know what did work, I couldn't seem to find out what works, then go to it. I just had to keep experimenting and living just beyond my comfort zone, which was kind of easy, it that I was miserable all the time anyway. Find a therapist you like, you know it's your thinking that lead you here, so lets work on changing that, do whatever it takes.
The good news is you are beginning to understand the reasons and can learn new coping mechanisms. It hurts us when we disappoint and hurt people who love and trust us. I know you have to have more for the addict mind to be under control.
The stress of caring for a sick husband and your test is rough. We are a community of understanding and support.
I personally like the idea you had a chance to talk with a therapist. If your ins covers it, I'd recommend a year of one on one with a psychologist. I've never met anyone who regretted spending the effort to explore their minds and learn tools like CBT.
The stress of caring for a sick husband and your test is rough. We are a community of understanding and support.
I personally like the idea you had a chance to talk with a therapist. If your ins covers it, I'd recommend a year of one on one with a psychologist. I've never met anyone who regretted spending the effort to explore their minds and learn tools like CBT.
Hi Robin,
First, congrats on 5 months, that is awesome and something to be proud of! And the possibility of relapse is terrifying, especially when we have access. You can do this...you are so strong and have come SO far, but always stay on your toes.
My husband can easily pick up himself, he just knew they were ready and I was passing by on way home from work. I love that he has so much faith in me but unfortunately he still has difficulty realizing the power of addiction. If you are asking why I took them this time, it was really just wanting to dull the emotional stress for a little while. Really, that was always my reason, even though i have suffered physical pain at times...but not enough for what I took. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress and I had pills in hand...was all it took. I KNEW he would probably count them all but that still didn't stop me. Ugh.
First, congrats on 5 months, that is awesome and something to be proud of! And the possibility of relapse is terrifying, especially when we have access. You can do this...you are so strong and have come SO far, but always stay on your toes.
My husband can easily pick up himself, he just knew they were ready and I was passing by on way home from work. I love that he has so much faith in me but unfortunately he still has difficulty realizing the power of addiction. If you are asking why I took them this time, it was really just wanting to dull the emotional stress for a little while. Really, that was always my reason, even though i have suffered physical pain at times...but not enough for what I took. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress and I had pills in hand...was all it took. I KNEW he would probably count them all but that still didn't stop me. Ugh.
Hi Junip:
I'm scared of this happening to me as well. I just passed 5 months clean, but I told my doctor on a recent visit (I've developed high blood pressure; which really ticks me off) that the pain gets so bad sometimes I just wish I had an oxy to make it go away.
Relapse is part of recovery...the bad part, I guess. You'll be okay; you realized what you did and you stopped it right there. Now you know. You know you cannot pick up your husband's scripts. Can he go with you next time this happens? Can you ask a friend to go with you to pick them up?
Just curious: Did you take them for pain, physical or emotional...or just because the addict in your head was telling you to?
Hang in there...you'll be okay.
Hugs,
-Robin
I'm scared of this happening to me as well. I just passed 5 months clean, but I told my doctor on a recent visit (I've developed high blood pressure; which really ticks me off) that the pain gets so bad sometimes I just wish I had an oxy to make it go away.
Relapse is part of recovery...the bad part, I guess. You'll be okay; you realized what you did and you stopped it right there. Now you know. You know you cannot pick up your husband's scripts. Can he go with you next time this happens? Can you ask a friend to go with you to pick them up?
Just curious: Did you take them for pain, physical or emotional...or just because the addict in your head was telling you to?
Hang in there...you'll be okay.
Hugs,
-Robin
Karen, thank you so much! So awesome to see you doing so well and always being there for everyone and giving back! Xo
Hey! So good to hear from you!!! Sorry to hear about the relapse....but relapse happens!!! And you are back on your way now!!! If it reminded you how important aftercare is then it was worth it! We have to stay connected all the time with support....its too easy to go back!!! Good luck on your exam!!!! Will keep you and your family in my prayers!!!! Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!!!! XO Karen
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