Never told anyone about this.....ever

I need help in determining whether I am an addict, or just very stupid. PLEASE help me.
I have always known I've had ADD - it runs in my family, I have the worst listening comprehension/directions-following skills imaginable and these symptoms have haunted me my whole life and made me feel inadequate and like a stupid person in general.
As an adult I finally went to a psych about it, and she put me on Adderall (adderrall). At first it was amazing. The 1 pill a day calmed me down (I was extremely hyperactive and scatterbrained) and allowed me the ability to formulate a clear coherent sentence without blurting out every thought that came to mind uncontrollably. I was able to listen to ppl @ work when they speak, really hear them, understand them, and respond based on a logical thought out answer rather than IMPULSE. Which was literally life changing for me.
Fast forward like 5 months later - I have gotten to a point now where I am going thru a 30-day prescription in less than a week. I am taking FAR MORE than I am prescribed and I get in this insane, overzealous workaholic streak where I want to work from 8AM until 10PM. The productivity and results gained from that is addictive and I can't stop. When I run out of meds and have to wait another month I go through HORRIBLE WITHDRAWALS and depression and swear to myself I'll stop taking them. My work suffers horribly, I go home at 5 sharp and pass out, and getting up in the morning is painful and torturous. But little by little, I start working normally again and the withdrawal wears off. And I go back to my old self.
HOWEVER - sure enough, as soon as that 30 day period comes around and I have another psych appointment where I'm given a new script, I become so fixated, excited and madly obsessed w/ the notion of achieving that same super-productive, brilliant high that I fill the script and GO WILD again. I literally can't stop myself. It's horrible. I binge for a week (take the entire 30 day prescription), get no sleep, get eye twitches, anxiety, pale, malnourished (don't eat).......its so bad. Then I regret it for the following week/vow to never do it again, and as soon as my body recovers I do it again and am back at square 1. One time I took so much that I was convinced I overdosed and flushed all my pills down the toilet. The horrific fear and panic traumatized me and I vowed I'd never take it again. But sure enough........ I did. Someone please advise?

[sandstone27]

Hi and Welcome!

You definitely have all the signs of someone who is addicted.  You are no longer using your medication as prescribed but abusing it - and going through withdrawals each month because you run out early.  

This has been going on for 5 months - which is a relatively short time.  
What is it that you want to do?  Do you want to stop taking the medication or just get control of it back?

Please post back and let us know...we're here to help you.

Well wishes...

Sandy

[BananaSplit2]

Sandy,
I can't explain the relief I felt when I read your message...hearing someones feedback on a secret Ive never told another soul is indescribable. especially since to all my colleagues, friends and family i am the girl that "has her sh!t together". i'm viewed as super level headed and rational and my family entrusts me to figure out and manage all their issues, when meanwhile I am secretly binging on adderal behind their backs.
I really dont know what to do. I honestly dont know how I could train myself to take the meds responsibly at this point. Do you think it's possible?

[sandstone27]

Hey there,

I'm so glad you came here and got all of this off your chest.  As I read your post I could feel that you just really wanted to get all of this out so that you can really deal with it.  There are so many people on this forum addicted to different meds for the exact same reason - it gives them the energy that they need to be the person everyone expects them to be, day in and day out.  It took alot of courage for you to come here and share your story.  

With regard to whether you can take these meds responsibly or not is a question I'm not sure I can answer.  Adderall (adderrall) is a prescription drug that you have for an ongoing medical need.  And that's different than someone who started taking opiates for pain and then continued to take large amounts long after the pain was gone.(opiates are just an example)

I'm going to check with someone here on the forum and if you'll hold tight I'll be back in just a few!

Sandy

[littlebit667]

Hon, I did a little research on this.  Adderall (adderrall) overdoses can be dangerous and at the same time..stopping all at once can cause some serious mental problems.  I know you are scared and afraid to tell anyone, but I think you should.  Please tell your psychiatrist.  She/He can help you figure out the next safe step.  I understand that it made you feel good and you were finally able to do the things that were hard for you, but you are going to have to get help to undo this.  Please consider this, for your own health and well-being.  You are worth it and it sounds like you are wanting to get help..you just do not know how.  I hope others that have more experience will chime in, but until they do at least consider what I have said.  We care and will try to help as best we can.

[BananaSplit2]

I dont want my psych to think I am a drug addict though... She knows I am so career-oriented and I think respects me for that, and if she finds all this out I know she will be so disgusted. I'm disgusted with myself.

[littlebit667]

They have seen it all.  Explain to her that you got taken by the feeling of accomplishment and did not realize what was happening before it was too late.  I promise your therapist wants to help and can't until you tell them.  Your health is too important.  I know this is hard to hear, but do not reject it just yet.

[BananaSplit2]

My boyfriend doesnt know about any of this either and I would never tell him. During the worst periods where I am taking the most, I just drop off the face of the earth. He gets upset but I always redeem myself a couple days later and just blame it on work or family problems (both are highly stressful in real life so it isnt a lie). if he knew what was going on he would leave me and never look back.

[littlebit667]

You are worrying about things that have not happened yet.  Start with your therapist.  Your bf does not need to know yet.  But, without help to get control of your problem..then you may not be able to hide it from him.  

[BananaSplit2]

What would I say to her? Is there any chance she could get me into trouble legally?

[littlebit667]

No, I do not think that would happen.  A good therapist will try to help you.  I  am an addict with oxycodone and told my doctor last week.  She actually felt bad about helping me become addicted and is working with me to get clean and stay that way.  

Tell her that you thought more was better and explain that you had never felt so able to do things and be able to productive and overdid it and now you are scared and need help to fix it.  

[tomskat]

Hi there and welcome. I agree with littlebit...don't obsess over things that haven't happened yet. And I'm pretty sure you can't get into any legal trouble unless you have been selling your pills,which it doesn't sound like you have. Start by being honest with yourself and your therapist. You've come to the right place for help and support. There is also a lot of info on our Health Pages. Stopping ADHD meds is dangerous. They should always be tapered from,as should most all other meds. Unfortunately as addicts we don't care about that when we have our pills. We care about nothing else BUT pills. You can change this,turn things around. Stay here and read our posts,post if you need to,and check out the Health Pages. Stay strong!!

[sandstone27]

Hey there,

I know some of the answers are not what you want to hear, but for your own health and well being, you need to tell your doctor.  You've already admitted that you have no control once you get your meds and there is NO shame in that - it happens to alot of people - from all walks of life - addiction does not discriminate.  

This has been an issue for 5 months, which is not a long time.  Your doctor respects you - that will not change because you overused your meds.  Please believe that.  With regard to your boyfriend, that is up to you.  If it were me, I'm not sure what I would do, but I know if it were my husband dropping off the face of the earth for a few days at a time, I know I'd feel alot better if I found out it was a medication issue and not anything else.

Something to think about.

One thing IS clear, you cannot continue the path you are on - you are putting your health in jeopardy each time you go through withdrawal, not just physically but psycholgically as well.  

Please keep us updated on what you decide - We always like to know how you're doing.  

Take good care of yourself....

Sandy :)

[BananaSplit2]

Thanks so much. I just feel like I wont be able to do as well as I'm doing at my job without the medication...... that terrifies me.

[sandstone27]

If you talk to your doctor, she may be able to prescribe some alternative medication that works just as well for you but without the addictive qualities of the adderall (adderrall).  

Please keep us updated...I'll look for your posts..


Well wishes...

Sandy  

[littlebit667]

We all care and want you to take care of yourself.  Let us know how things go like Sandy said.  

[LostNoMore]

Hey Banana..funny name! Good for you for finding this forum and telling the
truth. That sense of relief you felt...yea, i felt it too. Even more so when I sat
face to face with my Doc and spilled it. He was very supportive, as others have said, they've seen it all, and I think the majority of healthcare professionals, including psychiatric types, want to help. You should tell your
psych about this. He/she will have heard it before, and as Sandy said, may
have an alternative for you. Your fear of performing at work is just that, fear.
You can deal with that when it becomes an issue. There are lots of ADHD
and ADD meds out there. I'm sure you can find one that will work for you.
take care.

[minn66]

Hi! Like littlebit, I told my pm doctor and she supported my decision to quit. The doctors have seen it all and while there are some bad ones out there, I believe most want to help. I have worked with my doctor for a pain management program that includes trigger point injections, physical and massage therapy, and other treatments. I didn't tell my husband at first either, but when I did he was very understanding. The others are right. Don't worry (easier said than done I know) about what could happen. You have reached out for help and that is awesome and the first step toward getting better. Best of luck and keep posting! :)

[BananaSplit2]

what are the chances i could quit on my own? are people ever able to do that themselves without anyone's aid?

[sandstone27]

Hi there,

People quit different meds all of the time on their own - some quit cold turkey and others taper slowly.  But it depends on the medication.  There are some that one MUST taper off of  - any benzodiazapine would fall into this category, and we strongly recommend doing this under a doctor's supervision as well.  

I don't know alot about adderall (adderrall), but based on what little I have read, this is one of those medications that it is dangerous to take too much of, and dangerous to quit cold turkey from. It should be tapered from, and again under a doctor's supervision.  

Where are you right now in your use?  Are you in withdrawal or are you taking too much?  Both are dangerous.  

Post back soon....

Sandy

[littlebit667]

Hon, those pills are dangerous to stop without a doctor's help!  Please consider what might happen.  Have you researched them??

[BananaSplit2]

i just dont know what to do. i want to stop so bad and i am terrified of overdosing. these insane amphetamine fueled highs are not a healthy or normal way to live life, especially since they are followed by dark, incapacitating lows. i want to have a normal life so badly. i honestly dont think i have the willpower to NOT fill my adderall (adderrall) each month and do this over and over.

[sandstone27]

You KNOW what to do here...You just don't want to do it.  Talk to your doctor...she WILL understand.  This is your life we're talking about!

S.

[sandstone27]

I'm going to message you a website about adderall (adderrall) - please read it.  I can't write it here on this post since web addresses won't show up.

Sandy

[BananaSplit2]

do you think she'll try to get me to go to rehab?

[littlebit667]

I guess there is that possibility,but I am pretty sure if it is discussed...it is not like she can make you go.  It might be an option she puts on the table.  However, I believe that it will be more how she can help you get clean and still be able to maintain the positive attributes that you have had in work, etc.
I truly believe she will work with you to find a way to help.  I know there are other meds out that there that could help.  You two will need to discuss that.  The pychiatrist/doctor relationship with their patient has to be one of honesty and consideration.  It is a two way street and without your honest input she will never be able to fully support you in a way that will truly help you find a solution to your problem.  I know the fear is there, but I hear hope in that fear.  Please tell her so you can find a way to get the help I know you want.  

[sandstone27]

Little Bit is right...You need to give your doctor the benefit of the doubt here.  She has your bests interests at heart  and you have no reason to fear telling her about your problems with the adderall (adderrall).  I believe that the two of you can work together and reach a solution that is agreeable to both of you.  

Keep us updated on your progress, and let us know if we can help in any  way, or if you just need a sympathetic ear.  

Well wishes to you...

Sandy :)

[littlebit667]

checking in to see how you are doing!

[snakejones]

Hi---usually we will also ask our new friends, "Do you have a close family member who can hold your meds for you and give you the proper dosage each day?". Sometimes that's a good idea, sometimes not, depending on the situation. Just wanted to throw that in. Our other forum members have given you lots to think about already, so I'll just add my best wishes and hopes that you can solve the problem simply, sanely, and soon!

[BananaSplit2]

snakejones - unfortunately i have an emotionally abusive & unsupportive family that i could never share my addiction with, but trying this approach w/a good friend is an option.......
my main fear is the loss of productivity im going to experience. when i am on adderall (adderrall) i can get so much accomplished, never tire, am 100% motivated and can have superpower level production at work. the thought of not being able to maintain that off drugs scares me so much. i think a big problem is that i dont like who i am, or how i feel sober.

[littlebit667]

There are other ADHD meds out there.  The one your doctor gave you is usually the first to try.  But, it is not the only one.  That is why I have tried to get you back to your doctor.  There are others to try that may work just as well without the other complications you are having.  I am glad you came bck and have a friend to talk to.  It does make all the difference!  Keep it up.

[bewitched_queen]

What type and dosage of adderall (adderrall) are you taking? Is it Adderall (adderrall) XR or immediate release?

[littlebit667]

Hon, I hope you are doing OK.  Been worried.  If you are checking the board please let us know!

[bewitched_queen]

Hi banana :)  we're worried about you, nobody here will judge you. We only want to know you are ok and to help you if we can.

[BananaSplit2]

hi, thank you so much for checking in with me!!! i guess i was in withdrawal or something because from Thursday to monday (adderall (adderrall)-less days) i slept pretty much nonstop and felt worse than i ever have in my life. today i feel so good though, and the horrible 24/7 fatigue has finally faded.
going forward not allowing myself to touch the drug again is going to be a battle. i feel healthier off of it obviously but i do have the craving for it. day by day i just keep telling myself i CANNOT ever take it again......

[littlebit667]

wow, glad you are OK!  Thanks for sharing this.  

[bewitched_queen]

glad you're alright :)   please keep posting with us. we have all been where you are right now banana...

[ImDONENoMore]

Find some kind of aftercare b/c the cravings never go away.  They diminish with time but never completely go away.

[IwillDoThis]

I just wanted to reach out to you.  I've read all the posts back and forth.  It was so hard for me to initially come on here and I really fixated in my mind on separating myself as being physically addicted to my medication vs. being an addict.  I am a successful professional woman and no one would EVER in a million years suspect I was addicted to pain pills.  In the end I've decided that labeling myself really doesn't matter because detox is detox whether you scored off the street or were prescribed by a doctor.

Also the fear of living with a chronic pain condition without pain meds was very frightening for me so I understand what you are doing to yourself.  What I think we can agree on is this:  you are not using your meds as prescribed, you cannot control the impulses and you are seeking help.  Fear of the unknown is often warranted and you might be really surprised how well you can do without amping yourself up so much - you probably are not as effective as you think you are - the pills have a way of distorting that.

I would really like to echo the advice of speaking with your doctor to manage your condition with perhaps a different medication and also recruiting a close friend to help you stick to proper dosage.

Coming here and admitting there is an issue was so freeing for me even though I have a supportive partner I was really feeling like a big piece of crap for allowing myself to get into this situation.

There are so many awesome people on this board and I am thankful every day that I found it.  I am 30 days clean today and I feel better every day.

Hang in there and post for support!

[BananaSplit2]

Well I did it again. had the worst most stressful week ever, hated myself, had a ton of marital & family issues............ and re-filled my script. binged tonight. not a HUGE amount but a decent binge. can someone please help me. i cant believe im doing this AGAIN.

[Kresaera]

Its a vicious cycle we have ALL been through. I personally love adderal... I'm happy, patient and fun on it and it really does help me like myself more but alas I am an addict, therefore 1 is too many and a million is never enough.

My husband has ADD as well and the non-narcotic medicines work just as well with controlling your ADD but will not be addictive. Stratera (Strattera) comes to mind. I'm guessing you didn't tell your doctor when you got your script filled.  You don't have to go in there and tell them you are an addict, just say you think a non-narcotic medicine might be better for you because you're having trouble with your dosing schedule. Just be honest with them. Your doctor is a psychiatrist which means they have probably dealt with addiction before and are more apt to help than a regular family doc.

I understand how being the best you can be at work is addicting as well, but how is your performance the other 3 weeks of the month? From what I read, you've been taking it like this for around 5ish months which is not a long time. You aren't so far in you can't see light anymore YET. I emphasize yet because its the path you're on. I thought I was an awesome mom while I was on heroin. I played with my kids, I kept my house clean, I had energy as well but I was looking at the world through tainted glasses. Have you mentioned you home troubles to your doctor? Counseling may not be a bad idea. Not all rehabs are inpatient and they ALL are bound by confidentiality laws unless you tell them your plans to break the law, which you have not done.

Try to taper yourself to a lesser amount so maybe you can make it through the month. I overdosed on an amphetamine type drug and I was in the hospital for 4 days with horrible hallucinations and a heart that was about to explode (170-190 beats per minute the first 2 days, 130s the 3rd day and finally normal on the last. It was terrifying.

Good luck to you and feel free to message me if you need a shoulder. I KNOW how you feel.

~Kres

[IwillDoThis]

hey there - sorry to hear things are so bad.  So family and spouse are huge stressors.  I can relate, today is 60 days clean for me and although my house is peaceful I have a very dysfunctional extended family situation and while I was feeling so great earlier they hit me from all directions tonight including learning my little sister whom I was thought was staying clean graduated to shooting her oxys - so here I am after two great nights sleeping up and stressed out to the max.

I think we have to remember that we can only control ourselves, we can't change other people and we must concentrate on our sobriety holding it above all other things.

You know intellectually that when you binge you are gonna hate yourself and be right back where you do not want to be - but your brain is craving that escape.   I can honestly say I've been find until tonight, I really did want to reach for that pill but there is no freakin way I'm letting other people dictate the quality of MY life - so I ate some ice cream and decided to jump back on here.  And here you are.

We all mess up, we all make mistakes - what can you do differently?  What are you going to do to set yourself up to succeed?  Every day we make the choice to use or not use.

Don't beat yourself up - what's done is done.  Pull yourself up and start again.  We are all a work in progress.  

[sandstone27]

Hi there,

I got your message and you really need to fess up to your doctor about your medication abuse.  Binging on adderall (adderrall) is dangerous, as are the withdrawals, and you're putting yourself in both of these precarious positions almost non-stop.   Did you visit the website about adderall (adderrall) abuse that I sent you?  This is so important hon; you've got to realize just how important it is that you get help and SOON.  

I know how important your job is to you, as that was your reasoning for not wanting to stop before - you were afraid you wouldn't meet expectations, right? Not to mention the high the adderall (adderrall) gave you from abusing it.  

I don't want to sound harsh here, but I'm concerned for your health - taking a month's worth of meds in a week or two and then doing without for weeks at a time is a very dangerous game.  Please talk to your doctor.  The two of you can decide on a more appropriate alternate medication for you.  You've already stated that there is no way you can stop yourself, so just get your doctor in the loop here and take the first step toward getting better.  

I wish you the best.  Please keep in touch so we know how you're doing.  You can message me again if you prefer, but there are so many knowledgable people here in the forum that it's best to post here.  You will get the benefit of their input as well.  

Sandy ♦

[IwillDoThis]

DITTO DITTO DITTO to what Sandy is saying - please reach out for help with your doctor.

[Sophie2337]

I appears that you are more worried about what people think of you then getting help. I'm not judging you, we are all guilty of that.  You need to get help though.  A good doctor will never judge.  They also take an oath.You are judging yourself and you need to let go of the shame. You are not a bad person. Take care of yourself because you deserve it.

[BananaSplit2]

Thank you all for your support. Reading and re reading your comments makes me feel not alone in this. A month ago When i quit i had told my doctor I no longer wanted to take adderall (adderrall) because I feared its addictive qualities and would rather be on something that is a non amphetamine. She looked at me blankly and basically couldnt understand WHY I would be afraid of a med. meanwhile it's one of the most addictive things on earth. I was a month clean and then things got really rough at home which is no excuse but I relapsed. Looking back, I felt 200x better SOBER and dealing with the pain full on rather than in a drugged state of guilt and adderall (adderrall) comedown. Here we go again....

[BananaSplit2]

Do you guys think narcotics anonymous meetings would be at all helpful?

[IwillDoThis]

Hey there - by your own admission you cannot handle this so yes I do think NA meetings and counseling would be really helpful, you need a local lifeline to help you if you can bring yourself to reach out.  Secrets keep you sick Banana and until you come clean REALLY with your doctor it appears she will remain clueless as to what is really going on for you.

You can choose to put some different actions into play here and have a prayer of getting and staying clean or you can continue to do the same old thing.  I hope you choose life, I hope you choose YOU and living without the pills.

Stick around and post for support!

[BananaSplit2]

I wish I never took that first pill... but what i think about is how now when I have kids one day I will know the dangers of these drugs. I will also know the warning signs of addiction to look for in them bc I've experienced it myself. I'm going to try a NA meeting.

[lizzann11]

I don't think you could get in trouble legally, I honestly just think she would bump your dosage.

[lizzann11]

I don't think you would get in trouble. I honestly think she would just bump up your dosage and make you stick to it and really try to stick to it this time.

[lizzann11]

I don't think you would get in trouble. I honestly think she would just bump up your dosage and make you stick to it and really try to stick to it this time.

[lizzann11]

Sorry I didnt read all the other messages.

[lizzann11]

Sorry I didnt read all the other messages.

[sandstone27]

Hi there Banana!

How are you doing this morning?  
Drop us a note and let us know how you are...

Sandy ♦

[BananaSplit2]

Never felt worse in my life. Feel like my body is being weighed down with bricks, I have no will to live, more depressed than I've ever been. Doing the simplest tasks like opening an email and replying a short generic response is near impossible. I hate myself.

[lizzann11]

Please don't feel like that, no one deserves to feel like that, I know exactly how you feel though, having been depressed my whole life, it's just something I have to deal with on a daily basis. If you need someone to talk to I would be more than happy to.

[sandstone27]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  All of the ups and downs of the adderall (adderrall) are taking their toll on you mentally and physically.  This has got to stop hon - You were clean for a month so you know you can do this. I'm far from an expert here, but my fear is that the lows you feel when you are withdrawaling will continue to get lower with each subsequent withdrawal, and that's probably what is happening now.

You need help here.  More than we can give you on the forum.  Please go see your doctor again, and tell her that you want OFF of the Adderall (adderrall).  If you can't bring yourself to tell her the real problem, then tell her it's just not working for you.  Either way,  you cannot continue on like this.  

Let us know how you're feeling today - and keep us updated throughout.  

It CAN get better, you just have to work at it.  

Wishing you the best,

Sandy

[IwillDoThis]

Oh I'm so sorry honey but Sandy is right, this is a vicious cycle that you need to get out of, your very life depends on it.  Your brain chemistry is all whacky as you go from one extreme to the other.  We all care about, we are here to support you but the real work, the real will must come from you.  PLEASE seek out your doctor as we have been suggesting, get into some counseling to help you get off this crazy train and we'll be here rooting and supporting you.  It is time and I think you know it!  Please  take care of yourself, you are worth it and life is worth living.