Aa
New Person-advice needed
First, I am sorry this is long, but I feel I should share some backstory.
I am confessing for the first time ever to another soul my long addiction to opioids. I am a 40 year old mom of 3, and I think I first realized that pain meds gave me a wonderful high after I had a tooth procedure done in my early 20’s. It would be years before I would actively seek drugs and become addicted, but I just remember the first time I became aware of LIKING it.
When my second child was born, I had a severe complications and had to be on for about 4 weeks afterward. When I went off it (doc didn’t think to tell me about withdrawal!) I felt awful for several days, but thought I had the flu. I guess if I’d know it was withdrawal, I would have made an excuse to need more meds.
It would be after my 3rd child was born that I began to take it for the high. I get terrible migraines. Before I found Maxalt, I’d have to either go to the ER for a shot, or take a couple percocets. I got to where I was addicted psychologically. I had a terrible marriage to an emotionally abusive man and I think it helped fuel my drug seeking. I felt happier on the drugs. When I had trouble getting enough of them from my docs, I started ordering some type of narcotic from overseas. I was able to quit after a few months and stayed off for a while, but then had a knee surgery (and eventually 2 more knee surgeries) and used that as an opportunity to indulge again. This would be the start of a long relationship with Percocet and Lortab. Over the years I have used online script services to keep myself supplied with Lortab and my local doc writes me about 30 percocets every 4 months or so for my headaches. The pills became a way to feel good, normal, at peace. I do feel more at peace and relaxed when they kick in. I hate the feeling when I am coming down…SOOO tired, sneezy, watery eyes, legs like lead…and all that before the REAL withdrawal sets in. That and the mental jitters and anxiety is what drives me back for more and keeps me from quitting.
5 years ago I had my script that was mailed get “lost” somewhere. It wound up taking nearly a month to get my new one, but by that time I had carefully cut my pill use and tapered, not in an attempt to quit, but to avoid withdrawal while waiting for my meds to come. A wonderful thing happened. I actually quit. I decided I would try to go without them at all one morning, and I did! All day! (I was down to about ½ of a 5 mg. hydro twice a day by that point) . So I went another day, and when the meds arrived, I let them sit there untouched day after day. At the end of 3 weeks of not taking them, I flushed them. It felt great! I was so happy to not be beholden to those insidious pills. Then about 2 months later, a shock to my world caused a tailspin. My husband of 13 years left for another woman half his age and married her. I started drinking…every day, earlier and earlier in the day. I was consuming about a liter of vodka every 2 or 3 days and I got my pills back again. For a year, I drank myself to sleep every night and got up shaky every morning, taking pills to help get me going. I’d say I was a functioning alcoholic. I didn’t miss appointments, work or kids activities, but I did drive drunk a few times, and that scared the heck out of me even as I was doing it. I wasn’t able to go a night without drinking, even if I had to drive an hour and a half to find a place open. Every day, my thoughts centered around whether or not I needed to run to the liquor store. All the while, I thought of the three of my four grandparents who all died alcoholics and was scared for my future. The alcohol scared me worse than being on the hydro. I was also scared I’d just not wake up one morning, my kids would find me dead, and then they’d learn the truth about their druggie, alcoholic mom. I went to an AA meeting. Everyone was very supportive and said they were surprised to see me there BEFORE anything tragic had happened on account of my drinking. Most only come after they’ve lost things very important to them or are forced by the courts. Hearing all their stories scared me. I quit the alcohol that night. I’ve had maybe 3 drinks in the year and a half and no desire to pick up alcohol again. I immediately went back to college after 22 years and have been on the Deans List every semester since! I am happy to be free of the alcohol, but I want to be free of the hydro. I am very psychologically addicted to it. I also do need Percocet for migraines every now and then when Maxalt doesn’t work (I can’t afford the thousands that it costs to go to the ER without insurance). I’ve been off pills quite a number of times, but it was usually because I ran out and couldn’t get more. I always was wanting to get more meds as soon as possible during those times, even though it did gnaw at me.
Right now I am seriously contemplating a taper. I really want to quit, but fear withdrawal and failure. I have 20 of the 10 mg hydro’s left, and about 70 pills of 100 mg Darvocet (which I don’t ever take if I have Lortab). I either have to go back to the doc for more (which now requires a drive of 4 hours since the new laws about face to face doc visits went into effect) or quit now. I’ve wanted to quit for oh so long, but so scared. I can’t tell anyone. No one knows. I don’t want my ex to find out about my problem. No family or friends know. I don’t have anyone I feel I can tell or turn the pills over to. It would help if I had someone to call up for support.
I am hoping some of you might have some helpful advice. 20 Lortabs isn’t much, but they are 10 mg. I could split them. I was prescribed them at 3 a day (one every 8 hours). Instead, I’ve split them in half and then taken a half plus another 4th for a total of about 7.5 mg hydro every 4 hours. At this rate, I usually run out a little early so I use the Percocet I get as well to take me thru. Would the Darvocet be an effective drug to go to and taper from to prevent withdrawals? If I feel too awful, I am probably going to go seeking the drugs. I recently started Wellbutrin to try and prevent my migraines. Will this help some with the anxiety and withdrawal? Does anyone have recommendations on tapering that might work? I am not sure if that can be posted publicly, but maybe others can post what worked for them.
I’m just so tired of feeling like a prisoner, worrying about and counting pills, feeling like a fraud, spending much needed money on drugs and expensive online consultations, worrying about the years going by and whether or not I am missing something wonderful. I’m tired of being a liar to my kids, telling them the dangers of pills, yet taking them myself for recreational purposes. I’ve even avoided dating and relationships because this secret would be unfair to keep from someone. Who wants to get into a relationship with a drug-addicted 40 year old single mom? I won’t even date until I am “clean”. I don’t want secrets like that.
There is a feeling of relief and hope in posting this and admitting my problem to someone else. Heck, I spent months in counseling after my divorce, and I never admitted the problem even to the counselor.
Thank you for taking time to read my LONG post, and I look forward to hearing your advice.
I am confessing for the first time ever to another soul my long addiction to opioids. I am a 40 year old mom of 3, and I think I first realized that pain meds gave me a wonderful high after I had a tooth procedure done in my early 20’s. It would be years before I would actively seek drugs and become addicted, but I just remember the first time I became aware of LIKING it.
When my second child was born, I had a severe complications and had to be on for about 4 weeks afterward. When I went off it (doc didn’t think to tell me about withdrawal!) I felt awful for several days, but thought I had the flu. I guess if I’d know it was withdrawal, I would have made an excuse to need more meds.
It would be after my 3rd child was born that I began to take it for the high. I get terrible migraines. Before I found Maxalt, I’d have to either go to the ER for a shot, or take a couple percocets. I got to where I was addicted psychologically. I had a terrible marriage to an emotionally abusive man and I think it helped fuel my drug seeking. I felt happier on the drugs. When I had trouble getting enough of them from my docs, I started ordering some type of narcotic from overseas. I was able to quit after a few months and stayed off for a while, but then had a knee surgery (and eventually 2 more knee surgeries) and used that as an opportunity to indulge again. This would be the start of a long relationship with Percocet and Lortab. Over the years I have used online script services to keep myself supplied with Lortab and my local doc writes me about 30 percocets every 4 months or so for my headaches. The pills became a way to feel good, normal, at peace. I do feel more at peace and relaxed when they kick in. I hate the feeling when I am coming down…SOOO tired, sneezy, watery eyes, legs like lead…and all that before the REAL withdrawal sets in. That and the mental jitters and anxiety is what drives me back for more and keeps me from quitting.
5 years ago I had my script that was mailed get “lost” somewhere. It wound up taking nearly a month to get my new one, but by that time I had carefully cut my pill use and tapered, not in an attempt to quit, but to avoid withdrawal while waiting for my meds to come. A wonderful thing happened. I actually quit. I decided I would try to go without them at all one morning, and I did! All day! (I was down to about ½ of a 5 mg. hydro twice a day by that point) . So I went another day, and when the meds arrived, I let them sit there untouched day after day. At the end of 3 weeks of not taking them, I flushed them. It felt great! I was so happy to not be beholden to those insidious pills. Then about 2 months later, a shock to my world caused a tailspin. My husband of 13 years left for another woman half his age and married her. I started drinking…every day, earlier and earlier in the day. I was consuming about a liter of vodka every 2 or 3 days and I got my pills back again. For a year, I drank myself to sleep every night and got up shaky every morning, taking pills to help get me going. I’d say I was a functioning alcoholic. I didn’t miss appointments, work or kids activities, but I did drive drunk a few times, and that scared the heck out of me even as I was doing it. I wasn’t able to go a night without drinking, even if I had to drive an hour and a half to find a place open. Every day, my thoughts centered around whether or not I needed to run to the liquor store. All the while, I thought of the three of my four grandparents who all died alcoholics and was scared for my future. The alcohol scared me worse than being on the hydro. I was also scared I’d just not wake up one morning, my kids would find me dead, and then they’d learn the truth about their druggie, alcoholic mom. I went to an AA meeting. Everyone was very supportive and said they were surprised to see me there BEFORE anything tragic had happened on account of my drinking. Most only come after they’ve lost things very important to them or are forced by the courts. Hearing all their stories scared me. I quit the alcohol that night. I’ve had maybe 3 drinks in the year and a half and no desire to pick up alcohol again. I immediately went back to college after 22 years and have been on the Deans List every semester since! I am happy to be free of the alcohol, but I want to be free of the hydro. I am very psychologically addicted to it. I also do need Percocet for migraines every now and then when Maxalt doesn’t work (I can’t afford the thousands that it costs to go to the ER without insurance). I’ve been off pills quite a number of times, but it was usually because I ran out and couldn’t get more. I always was wanting to get more meds as soon as possible during those times, even though it did gnaw at me.
Right now I am seriously contemplating a taper. I really want to quit, but fear withdrawal and failure. I have 20 of the 10 mg hydro’s left, and about 70 pills of 100 mg Darvocet (which I don’t ever take if I have Lortab). I either have to go back to the doc for more (which now requires a drive of 4 hours since the new laws about face to face doc visits went into effect) or quit now. I’ve wanted to quit for oh so long, but so scared. I can’t tell anyone. No one knows. I don’t want my ex to find out about my problem. No family or friends know. I don’t have anyone I feel I can tell or turn the pills over to. It would help if I had someone to call up for support.
I am hoping some of you might have some helpful advice. 20 Lortabs isn’t much, but they are 10 mg. I could split them. I was prescribed them at 3 a day (one every 8 hours). Instead, I’ve split them in half and then taken a half plus another 4th for a total of about 7.5 mg hydro every 4 hours. At this rate, I usually run out a little early so I use the Percocet I get as well to take me thru. Would the Darvocet be an effective drug to go to and taper from to prevent withdrawals? If I feel too awful, I am probably going to go seeking the drugs. I recently started Wellbutrin to try and prevent my migraines. Will this help some with the anxiety and withdrawal? Does anyone have recommendations on tapering that might work? I am not sure if that can be posted publicly, but maybe others can post what worked for them.
I’m just so tired of feeling like a prisoner, worrying about and counting pills, feeling like a fraud, spending much needed money on drugs and expensive online consultations, worrying about the years going by and whether or not I am missing something wonderful. I’m tired of being a liar to my kids, telling them the dangers of pills, yet taking them myself for recreational purposes. I’ve even avoided dating and relationships because this secret would be unfair to keep from someone. Who wants to get into a relationship with a drug-addicted 40 year old single mom? I won’t even date until I am “clean”. I don’t want secrets like that.
There is a feeling of relief and hope in posting this and admitting my problem to someone else. Heck, I spent months in counseling after my divorce, and I never admitted the problem even to the counselor.
Thank you for taking time to read my LONG post, and I look forward to hearing your advice.
I am so happy to hear of your great success at tapering! its a rare thing that occurs sometimes though =) You are a very strong person! Please keep us posted on your progress, especially now that you are on the "other side" finally! I am only slightly ahead of you by 6 days. Keep in touch and congrats to you!
Hello if anyone has still been following this. I just wanted to give an update.
My taper went better than I expected. The first few days of cutting back (which were the largest reduction at one time) gave me a little bit of physical discomfort, but not too much. My mental addiction was the one I really had to fight. I stayed motivated, and there was only one day I took an extra half a lortab, but I really was being driven by a bad headache that day. I felt bad as soon as I took it and got right back on track. My taper was really smooth. I thought I was having insomnia due to the taper, but in reality, it was the Wellbutrin my doc was trying me on to control the migraines. I stopped the wellbutrin and my sleep returned within 2 nights. I wound up flushing all the darvocet that I was thinking might be needed to help with extending the taper.
I feel so good mentally and physically!
If you are trying to quit and you can taper, man that is THE way to do it! I had the discipline because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to get my hands on more pills in time to keep from having to go without for a couple weeks, thus suffering terrible withdrawal (something I have been thru and would rather walk thru hell fires than do again). I also was determined to leave the prison of drug addiction behind.
I kept reminding myself of how it had fractured my soul, made me a dishonest person, kept me from having whole, open, honest relationships, and was taking away something of myself (though I wasn't entirely sure what it was) from my kids.
Now, all that said, this is only day 3 being clean with NO PILLS!!! I am afraid of slipping down that treacherous slope again. I want to STAY free of the pills this time. I know I can, but I still know how evil and insidious the addiction can be. Still, I already feel more alive, more free. I experience more emotions and more connection to my children and my friends. I have more desire to call up my family and friends and be engaged with them in their lives. I am excited for my future, where before I felt that burden of everything revolving around that next dose, and I'd cringe, picturing myself as some old lady junkie dying in her bed of overdose one day. I refuse to let that be my fate!
I know each day is a battle and I look forward to hopefully having the pills mean nothing to me when I am faced with them, so I must keep strong.
Thanks to everyone here for their valueable input, their stories, their struggles and their strengths. These drugs tell us we are losers and worthless for being addicts while at the same time telling us we must take them to BE worth something and function. THEY LIE!
I pray for all of our freedom and continued sobriety.
My taper went better than I expected. The first few days of cutting back (which were the largest reduction at one time) gave me a little bit of physical discomfort, but not too much. My mental addiction was the one I really had to fight. I stayed motivated, and there was only one day I took an extra half a lortab, but I really was being driven by a bad headache that day. I felt bad as soon as I took it and got right back on track. My taper was really smooth. I thought I was having insomnia due to the taper, but in reality, it was the Wellbutrin my doc was trying me on to control the migraines. I stopped the wellbutrin and my sleep returned within 2 nights. I wound up flushing all the darvocet that I was thinking might be needed to help with extending the taper.
I feel so good mentally and physically!
If you are trying to quit and you can taper, man that is THE way to do it! I had the discipline because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to get my hands on more pills in time to keep from having to go without for a couple weeks, thus suffering terrible withdrawal (something I have been thru and would rather walk thru hell fires than do again). I also was determined to leave the prison of drug addiction behind.
I kept reminding myself of how it had fractured my soul, made me a dishonest person, kept me from having whole, open, honest relationships, and was taking away something of myself (though I wasn't entirely sure what it was) from my kids.
Now, all that said, this is only day 3 being clean with NO PILLS!!! I am afraid of slipping down that treacherous slope again. I want to STAY free of the pills this time. I know I can, but I still know how evil and insidious the addiction can be. Still, I already feel more alive, more free. I experience more emotions and more connection to my children and my friends. I have more desire to call up my family and friends and be engaged with them in their lives. I am excited for my future, where before I felt that burden of everything revolving around that next dose, and I'd cringe, picturing myself as some old lady junkie dying in her bed of overdose one day. I refuse to let that be my fate!
I know each day is a battle and I look forward to hopefully having the pills mean nothing to me when I am faced with them, so I must keep strong.
Thanks to everyone here for their valueable input, their stories, their struggles and their strengths. These drugs tell us we are losers and worthless for being addicts while at the same time telling us we must take them to BE worth something and function. THEY LIE!
I pray for all of our freedom and continued sobriety.
Hello everyone who posted and might be following this. I have been following my taper and doing really well. Actually, I am slightly ahead of schedule on it and for the most part comfortable. I quit taking the Wellbutrin and the insomnia went away. I am sure I will have some insomnia when I am completely off the Lortab, but that Wellbutrin made my skin crawl and my legs completely unable to keep still.
I am hopeful and feeling quite good!
Thanks for everyone who has supported me!
I am hopeful and feeling quite good!
Thanks for everyone who has supported me!
still hanging in there on my taper, but having horrible insomnia. I am thinking it is the wellbutrin. I've learned that is a frequent side effect. I am going to discontinue that med (it was given to prevent migraines) and see what happens. I went on it about the same time I started this taper...the taper should not have caused insomnia like this so soon. I feel like I never reach a deep sleep and I wake up every 10-15 minutes (no kidding) I went to bed at 11:20 pm last night, woke up completely unable to go back to sleep at 1:30, tossed and turned until I gave up and got out of bed at 3:30. Here I am on the computer at 4 a.m. Sigh.
Thanks everyone. I have been doing a quick taper. I split all my remaining hydros (so now they are all 5 mg of hydro each) and that gives me 40 to work with. (I actually had about 23 of them the other day) I've been taking 1 of the halves every 5 hours (about 4 a day) for the past 2 days. My symptoms have been very mild, mostly a little sweaty and restless sleep (I really hate that one). My plan is this: For the next 16 days, I am tapering. Days 1-4: I will take four halves a day, Days 5-8: 3 halves a day, spread a little further out, or maybe take it in four doses, just each does being about 4mg instead of 5mg, Days 9-12: 2 halves a day either taken as 4 doses (split each pill into two doses) to keep the level of meds more constant, or just a two. Days 13-16: One pill a day, split into two doses. Then FREEDOM! I believe in myself. I have confidence that I can do this. I am putting the pills into pill containers with the doses measured out by day, and each day transfering that days meds to a container that divides the day into a 4 dose schedule. This helps keep me honest and on a schedule. My plan is to be done with them at the end of 16 days and hopefully reduce the discomfort (which is what always keeps me running back to the doctor). When I tapered before when I was trying to stretch my pills while waiting for the delayed prescription, I was remarkably comfortable, and I hope to repeat that type situation. Wish me luck and strength!
One of the more common mistakes is to try and do this by intuition..... I wish you the best but you are setting yourself up for a fall.....this problem has been studied for a long time....it has comprehensive treatment protocols....if you are going to do this by your "feel" you better be good.........
20 pills is definitely not enough to taper, all you will be doing is prolonging your w.d. My advice is to just get it over with. Look up the thomas recipe and just try to tough it out for a few days. It will get better and better. And you certainly can do this. We are all here for you and will help you with anything you need. Welcome to medhelp. You will find that this site and the people here are truly a god send. Good luck..
Lisa
Lisa
They are not actually an opiate - they will help with arthralgias but wont be much to taper with......A $300 and 4 hour investment doesnt sound that steep to save your freaking life, now.....And if you go to a Physician for a hydrocodone/alcohol problem and leave with refill for hydro either you are doing something wrong or your Doc is a moron - - either scenario needs to be addressed ........ In my opinion you should devote some thoiught to your plans - - something is not optimum here.......
Thanks everyone for the advice. I have found darvocet helped with the withdrawal when I was out of pills once before, so I had hoped those pills could be used as part of a taper (I've done it before--by accident--so I feel I can). I'd like to save by NOT going in to the doc (which will be a 4 hour drive and $300.00). Plus, if I go in to the doc, he will give me 3 months of refills of 90 10/325 lortab. I'm afraid it will be a recipe to keep abusing. But I'm not sure how to use Darvocet in a taper since the milligrams are different and the dosing schedule is different. I was hoping someone else used them to come down softer and minimize withdrawal.
Flmagi is tellin you the absolute truth. You are doing what most of us try to do in some respect - - and none of us do successfuly. You cant bargain with addiction or the pills. Your body only recognizes an opiate.....both lortab and perc..... The darvocet probably wont cut much for you...its not really that kind of thing....But it certainly does sound like you need to take some positive action.
Hi and Welcome,
From what I got from your background, you will not be ale to taper with 20 pills. Most who try tapering don't make it anyway, it would be torture for you. Unless you have someone to hold them for you and dole them out but even then, you will come down quick with only 20.
If you can make plans to get by yourself for a few days you can get through the worst of it. As you know, it will be flu like symptoms for a week but the first 4 days are the hardest.
So, it that doable?
From what I got from your background, you will not be ale to taper with 20 pills. Most who try tapering don't make it anyway, it would be torture for you. Unless you have someone to hold them for you and dole them out but even then, you will come down quick with only 20.
If you can make plans to get by yourself for a few days you can get through the worst of it. As you know, it will be flu like symptoms for a week but the first 4 days are the hardest.
So, it that doable?
Welcome to the forum!
First thing I'm gonna tell you is that you should be over on the "Substance Abuse Addiction Community" which you can get to by clicking on the blue words in the paragraph at the top of this page. You'll get a lot more responses to your post over there, since this side of the forum is for addicts to socialize and get away from the everyday addiction problems. But that doesn't mean we don't care about you or won't answer you. lol We're here to help, no matter where you post.
It's great that you have decided to get clean once and for all, but you will have a problem staying that way if you don't stop all the opiates....the percs too! Your brain doesn't really know the difference between a vicodin, a perc or an oxy, except for the strength, an opiate is an opiate.
So I guess the big question is, Are you willing to give up all the pain pills?
Also go up to the Health Pages and read about The Thomas Recipe and the Amino Acid Protocol. These will help with coming off the pills.
If you copy and paste your post above, over to the" Substance Abuse Addiction Community" , you'll get a lot more help on a taper plan. You'll also meet so many great people who will help and support you thru every step of recovery.
So glad you've found the forum.
Magi
First thing I'm gonna tell you is that you should be over on the "Substance Abuse Addiction Community" which you can get to by clicking on the blue words in the paragraph at the top of this page. You'll get a lot more responses to your post over there, since this side of the forum is for addicts to socialize and get away from the everyday addiction problems. But that doesn't mean we don't care about you or won't answer you. lol We're here to help, no matter where you post.
It's great that you have decided to get clean once and for all, but you will have a problem staying that way if you don't stop all the opiates....the percs too! Your brain doesn't really know the difference between a vicodin, a perc or an oxy, except for the strength, an opiate is an opiate.
So I guess the big question is, Are you willing to give up all the pain pills?
Also go up to the Health Pages and read about The Thomas Recipe and the Amino Acid Protocol. These will help with coming off the pills.
If you copy and paste your post above, over to the" Substance Abuse Addiction Community" , you'll get a lot more help on a taper plan. You'll also meet so many great people who will help and support you thru every step of recovery.
So glad you've found the forum.
Magi
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