New here..I cant do it alone anymore

This is my first post.  I have been addicted to pain pills (of all varietys) on and off for the past 11 years.  A slow, creeping addiction that began from a legitamate perscription for actual pain when I was 21.  During three different periods over the last decade I took pills several times a day, everyday for months to years..the first round was hyrdocodone, the second was oxys.  Both times I swore I would never touch them again. and here I am getting ready to go through withdrawls for a third time.  Something has to be different this time...so here I am.

I became a mother the beginning of this year, something I have dreamed about for years.  I had been sober for almost 2 years when I had my c-section.  I remember the nurse telling me to ask for pain meds after surgery when my pain was at a 6 so we didnt have to play catchup from a 9 or 10.   When my pain was a 5.9 the addict part of my brain didnt care about the angel on my chest...it was doing backflips in my brain.  Hooray - after 9 months of stone cold sobriety it was time to party!  Even so, I tried very hard to be concious of the fact that I was slipping, and fast once I got home with a month supply of percs at my disposal.  But I didnt want to talk to my husband (who knew of my previous struggles) bc of this new mom pressure i had created in my head.  After the month I continued to get them on my own...each month hitting a new personal low, abusing my husband's trust more, feeding the guilt and shame machine, Im almost in disbelief that I allowed this to happen again and on the most important year of my life...

Last week I told my husband.  I started back into therapy.  I have just enough pills ( I have been tapering for almost 2 weeks) to get through Fri/Sat when our holiday company is leaving.  I will get through withdrawls - although Im scared, dreading it and am very emotional right now - but I HAVE TO STAY SOBER.  My lovely counselor has given me the advice of not saying "never" but rather focusing on "today".  Also she would like me to attend meetings for support, but I really do not want to do that,  I would much rather give and recieve support on a forum like this.  I may take a little more than I give in the next couple of weeks, but I promise to stick around and pay it forward.  I want community and long term commitment to a support group.  I have to do something other than try and go it alone - it has not worked.  

Anything you would like to share is appreciated...an introduction, a piece of advice, a joke - whatever!
Thank you

[maria920]

Hello jonmom  and welcome!!! Let me start my saying try not to beat urself up so much as the addict inside us will try and rationalize anything to get us to use. I'd like to share my story tht way u kno a little about me. I'm 27 and a wife and mother of two. My addiction started off with pain pills for different surgery then I was diagnosed with endometriosis ( sp)? My Dr was giving me 35 perk 10s and 35 morphene A WEEK!  So after my husband found out I was talking them all in 3-4 days he knew there was a problem so I promised I'd stop and deal with the pain a different way, I was doing sooo well until I came in contact with an old friend from my childhood. We immediately became attached at the hip like the old days. One day I was in so much pain she mentioned how heroin helped her with her pain I immediately shot it down and we didn't talk abt it for a week or two until the next time I was in pain. She told me ppl hype it up to b so bad when in reality its only a stronger form of perks. I thought about it and tried it . To my surprise it took the pain right away. At tht point I was only doing it 1-2 x a week well things started to go down hill VERY VERRYY  fast. Before I knee it I was doing enough to take down a large village and spent over 15-20 grand in a little under a year. My husband didn't like this friend from the start and he started finding things around like empty bags in my purse and text messages to her about using. I kept on lying bc the thought of WD scared me so bad I didn't want to stop and also I was in love with it. It literally consumed every aspect of my life I was down to 89 lbs and everyone was noticing   so one day he questioned me on why I borrowed money from a family member and y I said I needed money for my sons meds when he didn't need any well right at tht very second my old self came thru and told the truth I cried for days in fear he would leave me but he didn't and he helped me thru the worst time in my life. I went on the suboxone program bc with two small kids I couldn't WD esp bc of his 12 long work shifts. I have been clean for 4 months and I'm loving every aspect of my life. The reason I'm telling you this is bc it is possible to get clean and b happy without our DOC.  You can do this!! Check out the Thomas recipe all of the vitamins and things will help you so much also try and get up and moving around I kno its hard but you will feel much better! Try and eat when you can or drink ensure or boost. I'm glad you came her for help . I also wanted to say after care is a BIG BIG BIG part of staying sober. I'd give a meeting s try. You would b surprised what u will learn and hey u might like it. Remember you are worth the fight and the grass is greener on the other side. Keep posting for support bc we r all here for you. Also another huge thing is very hot baths with Epsom salt for the restless legs. It will also help you get some rest. Try Zzz quil made by nyquil it will help you sleep it works wonders for me and I never ever sleep more than 2 hours a night... good luck hunny  and please let us kno how your doing!!!! Any questions please ask!!!!! =]

[toothfairie]

just wanted to lend my support!!   i know how hard it is and this site is a great place for support....i wouldn't have made it this far without the people on here and all the info i received.....it is an awesome forum....please keep posting and asking questions!  you can do this!  it has been done sooo many times before!  and i agree with above post....hot hot baths with epsom salt were so good to just relax your muscles and mind!!  good luck and stick with it!  you and your family are so worth it!  

[gnarly_1]

HI just wanted to welcome you to our forum great you found your way here it was a little over 3 yrs ago I found my self on the hanging neuse of addiction I was hard core with 10+ yrs on the pills followed by another 6 1/2 on methadone...didnt quit till I found the worst thing yet to withdrawal from.....I found myself in the hand of many who loved me threw a horrable taper off methadone I couldent do it alone this forum was priceless ....everybody that had some clean time behind  them told me getting clean was the ez part...WOW what a trip that was I could barly do this...I come to find out what they were saying was true ...the forum will always have a place in my heart my very soul but you will come to find out like  many of us recovery takes work we dont think like so called normal people where wired differently a bit more complicated the most where addicts.....my advise is take all you can get from the forum lord knows I wouldent have made it without it but listen to those that have gone b/4 you and seek out aftercare .....personally I like N/a your among friends that will never judge you and  living in recover is a beautiful place to be....so go now do what you must do like most of us bit the bullet and dig out of this mess... from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the luck in the world welcome home...Gnarly  

[JephWyte]

I was a heroin addict for 10 years and have nearly 9 months clean and sober now. Being in recovery means abstaining from all substances (weed and alcohol included). I don't have a lot of time right now to give a long story and lend much advice but when I'm more freed up I'll continue on this thread. In the mean time, would you mind explaining why it is that you don't want to try going to meetings? If you don't want to discuss it on the thread, please send me a private message. I don't try to stuff the AA or NA fellowships down anyones throat, but I would at least like to answer any questions or clear up any misconceptions you or anyone else may have about them. Take care, good luck, and God bless.

[jonmom2012]

Thank you very much for your story maria920.  It frightens me to know how quickly it can happen...
Congratulations on your four months!  I cant wait to be there!

[Sonrissa]

Hi jonmom, and welcome! You will find tons of support here. I'm so glad you found us and posted your story! It is nothing to be ashamed of, we have all been in very similar situations. You seem to have a great attitude, and I know you can to this for you! Keep posting, and you will get advice and support to help you get through withdrawals. Tapering is great and will help. I wish you all the very best! So glad you are going to stick around!

[jonmom2012]

Hello toothfairie and gnarly, nice to meet you  :)  I appreciate the advice, I am fortunate that I have access to a hot tub anytime I want, my big concern is that I have a 1 year old to care for.  I will have some help, but I am dreading the screaming ache in my neck and back that comes from the constant holding he demands.  He breaks the back of my strong healthy husband!  He is, however, a huge reason for quitting...

JephWyte, awesome on the 9 months of total sobriety.  Everytime I hear a story of recovery it inspires me.  I by NO means want to be disrespectful or dismissive toward the meetings, but my fears are these:
I live in the deep south where people are deeply religious, I have read the 12 steps and being a non-believer of God I am concerned I will always hear people talking about turning to God or prayer for their support and that wont apply to me.
I have already checked the local N/A meetings and the only one in my town is at a time I would have to get a babysitter...I know that seems like nothing, but its not.
I know it is anonomous, but I am afraid of seeing someone I dont want to know
I dont know...I really am open to anything, but just the thougt of talking to strangers about something so personal (in a face to face setting) gives my a rush of anxiety.  Maybe when I get on the otherside of the w/ds I will feel differently.  Thank you

[JephWyte]

Personally, although I am a recovering heroin addict, I hit 5 AA meetings a week instead for 2 reasons. When I got clean I moved waaaay up to northern New Hampshire in a small town near the Canadian border. Not a big fan of it but NA meetings are nearly non existant. The other reason being that I've been to a LOT of AA and NA meetings alike from coast to coast. Living in Boston, San Diego, LA and I've found many more people with long term sobriety/recovery in AA meetings. This is not to knock NA at all, they're both great. But I find more people to get advice from while I go to NA to find people who need advice from me you know? The spiritual concept is difficult for some people to wrap their mind around. For one, it doesn't specify that you need to praise the God of Christianity. Only that you embrace the idea that there is SOMETHING out there more powerful than you. This allows you to relieve yourself of the burden of feeling that the weight of the world and the outcome of your life lies squarely on your shoulders. Trust me it is quite liberating :) Also, one thing I tell newcomers. What do you have to lose? I PROMISE you that your life wont get worse by being open to the idea that God or a higher power of some kind exists. No harm can be done by at least being open to the idea. When athiests are very set in their ways then I have a retort for that occasion citing information that validates that religion and science actually coexist harmoniously! Many scientific principles support religious therois and vice versa. Concepts like monothestic evolution help bridge the gap between an age old debate but I digress.. all I am trying to convey by this is that a higher powers existance needs only to be seen as possible! With an open mind to that things will change and doors will open for you. As far as running into people you know, I don't know about you but EVERYONE knew I was a felon, liar, cheat, thief, and a junkie. Now I'm proud to be known as a person in recovery!! :) I wish you the best, keep in touch
    Jeff

[YesLife4Me]

I understand your concern about running into someone you know.  But guess what?  They are probably concerned about someone they know discovering they are going to meetings as well!    Now you have something in common...recovery!    It's humbling and embarrassing to walk into a meeting.  I know.   But to those that are there, they are so happy to see new people come in.   They want to pay it forward as the ones that came before them did.   I went to a meeting yesterday and a gentleman was receiving his 10 year coin.   It says "to thine ownself be true".   You aren't here to please other people.  This is YOUR journey and experience here on earth.   If your higher power is aliens, then so be it.   I'm still working on what exactly is my higher power.   I meditate as much as I can trying to find what it is and how it will direct me.   And maybe that IS my higher power.    Now the sponsor thing....working on that.   I have trust issues with people not being there for me when I need them.  And what if they go out??    I will get there.   In the meantime, sometimes I just go and listen and don't say a word.  Most always I can relate to something being said or read and take something from the meeting with me.   If nothing else, I know I am surrounded by others going through the same thing as me!    

[JephWyte]

I believe in a lot of Christian concepts as far as my faith and praise go, but I follow Buddhism as far as philisophicaly implimenting the ideas into my day to day conscienceness. Some die hard catholics may call me a pagan for combining multiple faiths into how I live my life but you know what people in AA call me.. family! And I wouldn't pick a sponsor with less then 5 years, mine has 28 right now and hes the man. We jam out playing music, work on his house together while talking recovery, and just chill. I can tell him everything. And I wear my AA status with pride! Most people knew me as the junkie, now I want to shout from the mountain tops that I'm in recovery!

[Missshawn]

Be strong you can do this.. We are here for you

[jonmom2012]

Thank you for your comments.  I certainly want to be in recovery and will be very proud when I am.  I feel extra embarassed bc I make my living helping others get heathy...feling like a fraud has been a heavy burden.

There is an AA meeting within walking distance of my home everyday at noon...usually 30-50 cars in the lot.  I hadnt considered it before but I guess addiction is addiction.  

[JephWyte]

All I do to respect the fact that it's AA is make sure to say "I'm Jeff and I'm an alcoholic and an addict" If you say addict only some of the old timers might get a little heated. I learned over and over that I can't drink. It's the Trojan horse to shooting heroin for me so now I aknowledge that I really am addicted to ALL mind altering substances. All I have left to work on is Red Bull and cigarettes lol. But yeah a meeting is a meeting just add the words alcohol and drinking along with addict and using and it wont matter at all. Find people to talk to after the meeting. If you're comfortable with it, raise your hand and tell ppl you're new and looking to speak with someone after the meeting. It's a great fellowhsip and we just want to help eachother because it is a pay it foward program.
   much love,
      Jeff