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[Ninakm89]

Hey I've been on this website for a while now but new to this forum. Anyway I've been free from addiction for several years now . I've done alot of dirty things to get what I needed. Lately I've just been thinking about all these things . How much it's affected my health. I never really thought about some of the things I did. I just buried them. I keep thinking about everything now and it's making me feel worthless. I understand its in my past and I'm a different person now but I just need a proper way to "grieve" I guess you could say. I do not mean to offend anyone but I do not go to meetings so please do not suggest attending them.

I just want everything to stay in the past. I've been to a therapist while in my recovery but I do not recall talking much about some of these things.

[limodan73]

Hello, and Welcome to the site. Just wanted to chime in and put my two cents in. Agree with 90% of what's already been said. But,(I hope I Don't offend anyone) I believe that ... some things.. are better left in the past. I by no means want this taken wrong. I just have some "Things" from my own past that are too much to bring back into the light. I "let sleeping dogs lay" for lack of better words. I know that goes against what we are supposed to do. But I believe it's just not worth reliving. But that's just me. Everyone is different.  You do need to face down you're demons.... But... some things really just better to forget the best you can. This being said, know that you ARE worthy of life and happiness. And I wish you support and  sending prayers.
Data n

[ariley13]

I agree with all of the wonderful people above. Find a good counselor and bare your soul. Another little thing that might help is writing letters to the people that you have hurt or wronged while using. You don't even have to mail them, just let your emotions out. I have found that it helps me to give back in any way that I can, whether it's on this site to new people struggling, or volunteering at an animal shelter, or soup kitchen. There is nothing like giving of yourself to make you feel a little more worthy, and like you are making a small difference in the world. Hang in there. You are definitely not worthless, just a little lost right now. We are here for you if you need us.

[ariley13]

I agree with all of the wonderful people above. Find a good counselor and bare your soul. Another little thing that might help is writing letters to the people that you have hurt or wronged while using. You don't even have to mail them, just let your emotions out. I have found that it helps me to give back in any way that I can, whether it's on this site to new people struggling, or volunteering at an animal shelter, or soup kitchen. There is nothing like giving of yourself to make you feel a little more worthy, and like you are making a small difference in the world. Hang in there. You are definitely not worthless, just a little lost right now. We are here for you if you need us.

[neveragainplease]

hi and welcome to the forum. Your post really resonates with me, because I am like you and will not go to meetings. I was a secret addict.I go to a therapist too, and I did tell her about the addiction. I have ADHD, and that is what we are primarily working on. When I told her, she said that I had been self medicating. That was pretty much the extent of the conversation. As far as the other stuff you mentioned about the grief and doing what it took to get your high, people on here have advised me to either do that recovery step even if I'm not going to meetings,and they have also advise me to be gentle with myself.

I don't want to get off track with your post, because it is about you,but all I really know in life is my own experience  so here goes.

I'm fortunate I think because I grew up Jewish. When Christianity came my way, it really was a fresh view without the trappings of a specific upbringing. I grew up outside of Boston, where people were pretty much Catholic. Because of the comforting ritualistic view they had, I did not get a lot of doctrine, only comforting experiences, which is good.

in my recovery I have found that the Christian Lord Jesus and his sacrifice has help me to understand that there is a great power above and beyond anything we could have done or will do. My take on your feelings of grief is that that is a good jumping-off point to finding forgiveness. Grief, as opposed to guilt,
is a feeling that brings connectedness to the figure of Christ, or any of the deities we feel we can relate to.

The feelings that you have will help you too find the next step for yourself. I encourage you to experience these feelings in safe ways.

To me, you seem healthy and on a path. What I mean by that is that you appear to be taking a step in a direction. Whether or not people are addicts, we are designed to grow throughout our lives, so this grieving you speak of is probably just a normal growth step for an adult.

Hope this helps.

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome.  We have all done dirty deeds to feed our habit.  In the perfect world our past would just go away and never creep back into our head but this is the real world.  I would find a therapist that you trust.  We have to face our demons, deal with them and put them to rest.  The past will eat us alive and if it isnt dealt with chances of relapse come into play.  You are not worthless at all and i am glad you came here to talk with us.

[ang_811]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

We have all done some dirty things to get what we want. Ive lied, conned, cheated, and my biggest one was stolen. Nothing stood in the way of me n my drugs. Ur not unique. We have all been there.

Talk to ur therapist about these things that r eating u up. They will give u the tools that u need to cope and deal with these issues. My therapist has helped alot with the things ive done in my past. U got to always remember we r not our true selves when we r using. Today being sober u know in ur heart u would not have done those things sober.

Is the things u have done in ur past effecting ur health today? The reason i ask is bc im going thru alot of serious health problems due to the things ive done n my past. Recently i have found out i cant haave kids. Y? bc when i was using, i ignored the symptoms i was having and just used more. Got sober. Symptoms were still there and alot worst. I have a year and a few months sober and the option i have to feel better and not b sick every day is to get a hysterectomy at the age of 29. If ur having problems with ur health get it taken care of now.

ur gonna b ok.