New to this site. Questions...

[Mac40]

Hello everyone. I just found this site about 30 minutes ago and i cannot tell you how happy i am to finally have a place to go to talk to people about addiction. I am a full blown Norco/Lortab addict and have been for the better part of 15 years. Ive kicked more times than i care to admit, but always go back to the drugs for one reason or another. This site is what ive been seeking for a long, long time. So, that being said, ive read through some posts and Ive noticed a few times that people have posted things like, "i know we are not allowed to talk about such and such on this site, but..." What exactly are the rules and regs? Are there certain things we cannot discuss? Im sure foul language is frowned upon and im cool with that, but I don't want to get kicked out after ive been looking for a site like this forever so if you would be so kind, could someone lay out the ground rules for me? Thank you so much!!!!

[reamergirl]

I was a nurse as well.  I worked in a critical care setting when I was 26..got caught diverting Percocet.  I entered into the voluntary recovery program for nurses, but failed.  Since I no longer had access to narcotics, i moved on to cocaine, crack, you name it.  Once I forgave myself I was able to move on.  The best thing that could of happened to me was to be kicked out of nursing.  I have a good career.  I do not make the money that I made in nursing, but I make decent enough money to support myself and my son.  Please consider leaving nursing.  It saved my life.  I did relapse about a year ago with percs and norcos, but was able to pull it back together again.  I have walked in yours shoes and know that it is hard.

[atthebeach]

start a taper now....the time has come...

[vicki595]

UGH! The Board is a government agency so they're like the police. It's best not to speak to them AT ALL. Ask them to send you a letter which you can bring to the atty you're going to retain now. What did they ask you? Don't talk to them anymore!

You weren't fired for diverting,right? What could be their proof? Are there witnesses do you know?

I'll tell ya...it always catches up no matter what it is! I'm a nurse as well and I was constantly haunted with fear of being "found out".  I never diverted anything or went to work influenced BUT I was always scared and guilty!

[Mac40]

I guess i could look at it in a positive way and take advantage of the nurses assistance program for addicts. We'll see what happens

[Mac40]

the two week thing is because i have requested to take a few days off of work so i dont have to suffer through work. You wanna talk about Carma, exactly two hours after i posted that, The state board of nursing called me to tell me they are investigating the two incidents that cost me jobs. I guess im not so smart after all. My stomach is in knots. I have no idea whats going to happen. they said they'd be in touch. They asked me a bunch of questions about things that happened up to 2 years ago. Ugh. Might be looking for a new career.

[GarbageAddict360]

Hey there and welcome!!! I am so glad you found this site.  The people that have helped me on here have saved my life.  I found a lot of similarities in your story to my own life. I consider myself a garbage addict because there wasn't anything I wasn't willing to snort or throw down my throat.  That way of life is over now and I can tell you that its amazing. I am not going to lie, it was really difficult BUT if you want it bad enough anything is possible.

I know what you are saying about the NA meetings, but you don't need to be religious to gain the understanding of what is to be an addict.  It isn't about what drugs you did, but why you did them in the first place.  NA offers you the chance to evaluate yourself, understand what makes you tick, to finally become comfortable in your skin.  If you aren't ready to work NA, not a problem, coming here can offer so much support as you go through detox and recovery.  

I agree with all the people above that the time in NOW. No need to wait weeks to get your life back. Don't you want to be able to live each day without being concerned about how you are going to get your next fix?  It is no way to live my friend.  I do want to point out that alcohol and pot are not to be treated any different from narcotics.  They are distorting your perception too and anyone that drinks until the blackout is never good. These are all signs of addictive behavior.

So now the ball is in your court. What you do from this point on is totally up to you.  Just know that we as a community are there for you every step of the way.

[mary577]

Welcome to the forum.   Vicki is right.   You need to do it now.  Don't wait for tomorrow.   Tomorrow never comes.

[vicki595]

Hi Mac-    Why are you waiting two weeks to detox?? You need to get going on this right now...no excuses.   You're here, we're here; it's time my friend.

It sounds like your wife will be a great support for you but she's going to lose that very shortly. Get yourself hooked up with some medical support. You'll need support and some prescribed comfort meds. You need to let a doctor know and you need to inform your friends, seriously. You're going to run out of time...

The anxiety that you've experienced after detox is directly related to your drug abuse. Your brain cannot produce the chemicals you need to stay balanced. Once off the pills, your brain will heal but you have to give it a chance.

Your wife can post on here,too. There's a forum for family living with addiction.  Get this going today!

[Life360_Dave]

Thats quite a road you have been on as did read your entire story.  Alot is about trying no matter what we try. I wrote this about trying to help put it into perspective;
"Just looking up into space and realizing there are Stars
Black Holes and Vastness, also our Galaxy and even the Universe.
They say when we get to the edge of the Universe our comprehension
stops as the concept of Infinity bangs heads with self.
Whats up there doesnt have to try it just is.
We are the same but have been taught otherwise."
dave

[Mac40]

Well like alot of you im sure, i started drinking young. My grandfather found it terribly funny to give me wine when i was 7 or 8. I started drinking hardcore when i was 12 or 13. I had an older sister and quickly learned that drinking impressed the older guys and made me a lot more popular than my friends my age. This slowly progressed into drinking every weekend which progressed into smoking weed which progressed into dropping acid whenever we could get ahold of it. I played football and wrestled and ended up dislocating my shoulder my junior year of Highschool. Thats when i was introduced to Lortab. Loved it right away but couldnt really find it after my script ran out. (this was 1988 by the way) Went to College and did every drug under the sun and drank my way out of school. Kicked around here and there working different jobs in college towns and partying my *** off. In 1996 I was living in Manhatten Ks (where Kansas State University is) Me and a few of my friends were tripping on acid and I had an epiphany that I really really needed to get my **** together. The next week i enrolled in an Licensed Practical Nurse program in Wichita ks. I had gotten my nurses assistant license many years before and had worked in MR facilities and nursing homes for a while. I moved to Wichita where I knew no one. I knew that was the only way Id get through the program. I graduated in 1997.  Started working in Nursing home where i met my wife who is also a nurse. One of my jobs as a 3rd shift charge nurse was to pull Narcotics that had been discontinued and put them in a lock box. Legally I was supposed to wait until day shift arrived and Me and a nurse from days were supposed to destroy whatever meds had been dc'd. After I had worked there awhile, the day shift nurses all started trusting me and allowed me to destroy them on my own and they just signed the papers in the morning when they arrived. 24 years old in charge of destroying thousands of dollars worth of Narcotics. What do you think happened? lol. Long story short took alot of Norco, Lortab, MS, MS contin, Xanax etc. Just kind of experimented with stuff since id never really done pills all that much, just remembered how great they made me feel when i had my shoulder surgery. It was a wonderful existence. Had a beautiful new girlfriend, making great money, and had an endless supply of some of the best narcotics available. For a couple of months, my wife would take pills with me every now and then and seemed to enjoy them as much as i did. Then she got pregnant. I was not ready to be a dad. I started drinking very heavily which caused alot of termoil in our relationship. Her father was an alcoholic and her parents divorced when she was 6. She'd get very angry with me but stuck with me and in 1998 we had a beautiful baby boy. For about 5 years i worked in that nursing home with access to all those drugs. Never even thought about having a drug problem. Never stopped long enough to have W/Ds. In 2001 i started doing pediatric home care. I no longer had access to all those drugs but as if fate had deemed me to be a drug addict, the family i worked for were heavy drug users. as i became part of the family, it was business as usual with my drug abuse. I worked for this family for 8 years and eventually got tired of driving 30 or 40 miles to work each night so i got a job at a local Nursing home. Would you believe the same darn thing happened at this nursing home with the narcotic destroying. Continued my abuse and really still hadnt ever had W/D symptoms that i noticed. Went away on vacation one year and didnt take any narcs with me and got really really sick. thought i just had the flu but eventually figured out it was withdrawl. This post is getting way way to long so to make a long story a little shorter, since that point ive been fired from 2 nursing homes for stealing drugs. I figured out ways to do it where there was no way anyone could prove it was me so i avoided being turned in to the State board of Nursing or being charged with anything. In fact in both cases my bosses fired me for totally different things that made absolutely no sense so i know i was fired because they were suspicious i was taking drugs. I even passed their UAs. They'd try to spring them on me and surprise me with randoms but Im a very likable person (sorry if that sounded cocky) and i make friends very quickly including the higher up management so i always had someone to warn me and i was ready with clean urine. It became almost a cat and mouse game. After I lost my 2nd job I started trying to kick my habit. I went cold turkey and got very very sick. I made it about 2 wks and i was using again. This same scenario has happened over and over and over again. Still work in the nursing field. Still have access to outdated or Dc'd drugs plus have many contacts to buy from on the rare occasion i have to pay for it. Got drunk one night and told my wife about it and it has been a constant battle since that time. she's wearing thin with patience and so tired of being lied to and manipulated. I feel horrible because she is a wonderful girl. Besided my addiction i am a very good husband and caring father. Ive been lucky enough that my son has never found out my secret, although at 13 i think he knows somethings up. A few years ago my brother in law died from a MS Contin overdose. That did not help my wifes concerns about me. We've had some huge battles, well its more like me hanging my head as she rips my arse because i know im pathetic. I lie, steal, manipulate, do whatever i gotta do to get my drugs. I just turned 40 and the whole thing is just getting old. Luckily im an avid runner and wt lifter, one of the reasons i love the rush on hydrocodone, so ive stayed fairly healthy despite my addiction. People that know me or meet me would never guess in a million years ive got a drug problem. So thats pretty much it in a nut shell. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Right now i take anywhere from 20 to 100mg of adderall a day (ive had ADD my whole life) I take 15 to  30mg of Lortab or Norco anywhere from 3 to 7 or 8 times a day, I take MS, MS contin or oxycontin whenever i can get ahold of it. I take Ultram sometimes. Smoke weed on the weekends as well as drink alcohol usually to the point of blackout. I had to have lab work done not long ago for a health study i was doing and i was amazed that my liver enzymes were ok and i dont seem to have any major damage, yet. I just want to stop doing drugs. I want to be the husband and father my family deserves to have. I want to plan a vacation without having to figure out how to get a weeks worth of drugs while away from work. I wanna use my own urine when getting UA's for a job. I want my wife to be able to trust me, and not have to wonder or worry if im high or not. I just want to be normal. Im not religious so the meetings ive attempted to attend turned me off. All of my friends use, and even though they would never pressure me to use if i quit, it would be weird to be around them. And these are friends ive had since i was a kid. There is so much more to my story but this is already too long and i apologize! When i have managed to quit for a long period of time, i have horrible panic attacks and episodes of uncontrolable sobbing that can last for hours. Im tired and frustrated, but i havn't givin up and Im planning on detoxing in a couple of weeks. All i can do is try, right? Maybe this site is what i needed to stay clean. ive never had anywhere that i can vent and discuss feelings. Thank you everyone for being so nice and i look forward to making a lot of good friends on here. Sorry again for the length of this, it just feels good to let it out!

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Mac and welcome, tell us more about your journey.
dave

[akitagurl12]

i am sure the rules link will explain this, but the main thing i have seen that we are not suppose to do is offer taper advice.  Glad you have found this site!  It has been a life saver for me.

[bamabred]

Mac,im not going to lie,i go to pain mang. on mon. and im scared to death.I have a great dr. (i guess) i have med.problems that any dr will treat with anything i ask for.with that said im trying soooo damn hard to live with pain!!One min. i swear i will be fine,the next i look forward to mon..Take care im on here alot lately ,cause im scared to death. Danny :)

[Mac40]

thanks man. so good to be able to talk to people that know whats up. Doing it alone is no fun. im using right now but im planning on detoxing in a few weeks. Thats when ill really appriciate this site!!

[bamabred]

Hey brother-read a few of my posts and you will see you might be surprized that there are a few addicts on here like your post (me),hang tuff brother. Danny addict from way back.

[Mac40]

Thank you so much

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

This will help to get you started. Just click on the link:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/WELCOME-PLEASE-READ-BEFORE-POSTING--/show/1051807

There is a lot of support here so stick around!!