Newlywed Husband in Rehab

I hope you all can provide some advice and help.  I got married about a month ago and I just admitted my husband to rehab a little over a week ago.  I had to come home from training with my new job (which involved telling my new boss) and take him to detox first for alcohol and drugs.  I don't know how to deal with all of this.  I do have a great support system around me (friends and family) and I have been to Alanon.  I just feel like everything revolves around the addict and I am feeling like "what about me?"  I am supposed to be this new bride and I am dealing with everything from our home, finances, my new job, his kids and ex wife, to our dogs...  Our house is a mess and I can't even get started cleaning it...  I am so angry, but I wait for his letters every day.  I miss him so much and I want him back, but I am not sure if this is the life that I want, nor is it the one that I signed up for.  Every time I read the literature provided, I get more enraged.  Now, I am supposed to change in order to "enable" his new "sober" life, but I was wrong for enabling his drug and alcohol addiction, which I didn't know I was enabling.  I can't see or speak to him in this stage of treatment, so I feel punished and totally alone.  I don't even know if I want him to come home, but at the same time, I want him here right now.  I feel so confused and angry...  I don't know if I will be able to move beyond this and really start a life with him...  How can I ever trust him again?  I know that I saved his life, which I thank God for every day.  However, I can't help feeling like my job here is done...  

[norco687]

My heart goes out to you...I have no advice to give...But, wanted to reply and let you know that there are some great people on this forum that may have some advice...

I would just stay strong, I can tell you are a very strong person...And, talk to your family/friends maybe there is someone real close to you that could help out with the cleaning and kids...

Whatever decision you make will be the right one...Only you know if it will be worth all of this...

Take Care...

Norco687

[athena-8]

The fallout of the disease of addiction & alcoholism is far-reaching and enormous. My heartfelt sympathies go out to you, dear.

Unfortunately I am the person on the other side of the coin; the newlywed wife that had to go to treatment, and continues to have setbacks. That doesn't mean he will; this just happens to be my story.

What I want to tell you though, is about how my husband has dealt with this. He has a huge network of healthy guy friends familiar w/addicition who have helped guide him. What they taught him is that the only thing he can really do is take care of himself. Right now he has chosen to take care of himself by moving out. As painful as it is, I see that his choice to do so was the right one for both of us. But that's just our story.

Hon, you got the world restin' on your shoulders, so take a load off for the moment. You don't need to decide these things today.

Keep looking inward for the answers, but I also encourage you to continue to seek out the hand of Al-Anon, and, if there are any other alcoholics/addicts (diagnosed or undiagnosed) in your family circle, especially parents, CODA or ACOA. SUch meetings won't make you feel so alone and ignored during this experience.  

Most importantly, take care of YOU, in a loving and kind way.

Warmest regards,

--Athena

[lil_rab2005]

I totally agree with norco and athena.  Everyone here is very supportive.  I love this forum, you came to the right place.  I don't really have any advice to give and I'm not much help with your problem I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that that happened to you both.  Need anything or someone to talk to, just post on here and someone if not me will get on and talk.  Take care, Lil :)

[monkeygirl0426]

Hi,
I am new to this site, so I really hope that after I type this that you get it.
I know exaclty what you are feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NO JOKE!!!!!!!!!
My fiance is coming home from rehab in 12 days.
The first week that he was there , there was no contact.
Can I just tell you that I still havent gotten the energy to clean my home. It is not a huge mess, but it is not like me.   I know everything that you are feeling for real.
I would love to talk to you alot more about this... I think that it would be great to share our feelings on this issue with the men that we love so much.
I am also open to anyone elses advise on this....
Hang in there!  You are lucky because you have a great suport group.
I dont have that at my end. I only have his mom.  Everyone else tells me to get rid of him,,, and since I will not listen to them, they have put me out of their lives.  GO FIGURE! As if I was the one using,, and I havent used a day in my life.

[Rileysmama]

I've never written in one of these rooms before so bare with me. I too am going through the same thing. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left the my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love  him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost?

[Flacutie]

I know this is an old thread but I would love to have an update as to what's happened to everyone...

My husband is in a 9 month rehab (started 2/1/10) program 3.5 hours away...it is a free, faith based program...free was the deciding factor and the faith based was a bonus.

His graduation from the program is 10/24/2010...

[IBKleen]

Hi Flacutie,

Welcome to the community!

This is an old post and just a glance thru the names and I don't recognize anyone so I doubt you will get updates.

I think it is great your husband is in long-term treatment. Do they also provide a family program? I ask because things will be different when he comes home and you will need to be prepared for it.

Best of luck. (If you want to talk further about this I suggest that you start your own thread so this one doesn't get lost or over looked).

[fresita619]

omg im in the same boat as you and im lost! my husban has been in rehab for about a week and at frist i wanted to be there for him now as the days pass im getting more angry and feel like why me? why should i have to take it all the responsbiltys by my self i love him and want to be with him but yet i wonder will he change i want to start a familly but now i dont know if he will be fit for that and i have been douting him so much that i dont know where i stand maybe i just feel like when i married him i ecpected a lot more then where i am at now....

[IBKleen]

Hi,

Have you considered getting into a support group yourself? Al-Anon is a wonderful fellowship who have helped so many go through the exact feeling you are experiencing right now. What you are feeling is normal, it is the acting on it that may be detrimental to the relationship.

I hope you consider the suggestion. You deserve to be well too!

[mookie377]

This is difficult to answer you back,as ihave a tendency to be critical of people who marry Addicticts Not in recovery.With all due respect,what did you expect from a disfunctional using addict.Maybe this will give -U a chance Anul this New-marriage,unless you follow what the treatment-People suggest.Is it worth It. see ya john

[mookie377]

I just Noticed this is Ancient History.What does this post have to do with Sept.16th,2011. Lets live In thr Present day!!!

[IBKleen]

Mookie---you are missing the whole thing here. Many members come in "thru the back door" so to speak, usually thru a google search. We respond to the new people on the old thread.

I came in thru the back door myself and had it not been for someone here guiding me, I may not have stayed.

Hopefully "fresita" will come back and see the post. At that point we can guide her on how to make her own post.

[vicki595]

Hey Mookie!!!

"Fresita619" posted YESTERDAY!!!   And anyway, our place here isn't to start slamming what's happened or "what should have been done"...you know that...and you got the names wrong dear...

[tamzyyy]

WOW this is crazy! I can't believe other people have gone through what I am going through. What a miracle! I am 18 and my husband (24) of 3 months just entered a faith based rehab.  After we signed the marriage documents it became prevalent that he abused substances and began to get violent.  Part of me has hope that he will get better (as he's saying in the letters) but the other half is listening to specialists I've been seeing that say he seems to have an uncurable disorder.  I have a stack of letters that I've written every day and I feel like if I dont try, I will regret it later in life.  Do I just need to walk away? His family wants me to stay. My dad is pressing an Annulment.

Help anyone? Thank you!!!

[newwife87]

i have the same issue and i have no clue what to do! to stay or not too! i have so much resentment towards my husband i feel like i dont ever wanna see him again but at the same time i do! i pray everything will be better for you! and keep me in your prayers too. but they say once and addict always an addict! thats the scary part!