No question. Just lost. Hopelessly addicted. Suicidal.

[jwoollen]

I live too far away from any substance abuse facilities. Severly addicted. I don't see any answers or solutions I can handle. I can't afford an inpatient facility that will ease withdrawal.

I don't know why I'm writing this; I probably couldn't find this forum again anyway. This sucks so badly. I need a doctor with confidentiality who can help me. I DON'T want to live like this...but attempts at CT and weaning have not been successful.

Pray for my soul and my wife and child.

[road2recovery]

welcome...Can u tell us what you are addicted too?  and how much?
Please try and put the forum maybe in your favorites...This is a very nice place with tons of wonderfull people, who i think sometimes are smarter then some doctors...
r2r

[road2recovery]

i just read your profile, how many are you taking???  please stay with us!!

[jwoollen]

200-300mg Hydro per day ...Plus sometimes Xanax. Thanks for writing.

[sickcookie]

I am also 52 and took way too many vics,but then I found this site....Please talk to us

[sickcookie]

Have you tried to stop before?

[jwoollen]

Yes. Can't make it past one day.

[sickcookie]

So yes you have tried before ,but this time can be different it really helps to have alot of support which you will find here, and to know exactly what you go thru day by day with lots of others on the same journey

[road2recovery]

there is no situation that is impossible...Please know this..Also your doc has to keep things confidential...Can u find one that perscibes sub?
there is a way out, and suicide, is not one.....
r2r
please read alot on here on the health pages

[Sarah231]

Hey j...bookmark this page so you can find it again!

I'm coming off of over 10 years of Vicodin use.

I cannot tell you how many times over years I have wished for death because it was
the only way I could see out of the place I was in. Much as I wanted it, though, I have two daughters that I couldn't hurt.

It helps to be here.

I'm hurting like heck, but I can see an end.
I can see this **** being done with finally. Man, so many years wasted.

Don't waste as many as I did.

[Army220]

You are not going to die...We will get you thru this.  What is going on?  Do you have any support?  Wife, Kids or Friend to talk with?  It helps a ton when there is someone to lean on and take care of things for a few days.

Talk to us.  You will get some good feedback.

[sickcookie]

There are Health pages on top right of page ,on there is Thomas Recipe it has vitamins and such to help ease the discomfort, I was like you could never make it far but partly because I was afraid what would happen and did not have anyone to talk about it with.Read the posts it will give you strength.Can you take time off work,7 days or so?

[jwoollen]

I have to do something. I don't mean to disparage the forum, but support doesn't ease the pain. I just want to end the pain. I would give anything if there was a confidentail, qualified (affordable) medical program in this town. This has been going on for five years now. ...I don't know what else to say.

[corey411]

If you feel suicidal please go to the ER. Social workers can help you get help. If you can't afford it. Suicide is not the answer. That's from the toll that the drugs have taken on you and you don't want this.

Please if you feel suicidal go to the ER. Tell them you are thinking this and are a danger to yourself. There are many places like NA and this forum that you can get free help and support.

I will send many prayers to you my friend.

[jwoollen]

I've read about the Thomas Recipe. I can't get the time off from work...and it still sounds God-awful painful. I doubt I could get the valium script anyway. This town is small and small-minded. I can't think of a doc who would work with any type of program except cutting me off completely...or worse...reporting me.

Thanks to all of you who have written. That was/is a big surprise.

[sickcookie]

Please just stay with us awhile ,

[sue41]

When you say that you need something to ease the pain, are you talking about physical pain or emotional pain?  I know you feel like there is nowher to turn, but please don't give in to the disease.  Think of your wife and child and the pain it would cause them.  If you can't go cold turkey, try your best to taper.  

How are you able to get such a supply of hydros?  If it is from a doctor, call them and ask them to not prescribe to you anymore.  Life is beautiful and worth living.  Your family need you.  Please don't leave the forum, this is a great form of support.  

I thought I would die if I went cold turkey, but when Child protection came in and threatened to take my children, I hit my knees and prayed.  I prayed without ceasing and went without food and pills begging the Lord to help me get over this with my family not giving up on me.  You are a lot stronger than what you think you are, and we will be here for you.  Please keep posting.

Sue

[Sarah231]

Nope the forum does not ease the pain.

Trust me, I'm in serious pain right now.

But, it does help that others here can keep telling me that the pain will not last forever.
That they can keep telling me that the pain is worth it.
They have to tell me a lot, bless their hearts, but for some reason it does help.

TEN YEARS, buddy. Every day. Couldn't function without vicodin.
So you are preaching to the choir here.

[Army220]

We have all been in your shoes before and felt like you feel now.  With support we all got thru it.  I would have to say most of us never needed inpatient care.  

It is time to tell someone close to you how you feel (Like your wife).  You have kids right?  

You NEED TO DO THIS FOR THEM.  Your family matters most..

Army

[sickcookie]

I took them for 10 year and never thought I would stop,but when I was ready it was like a bad flu and I beleive it was easier partly because of forum but the fact I was so tired and sick from those pills that I was truly ready and it sounds like you are too.

[jwoollen]

Going to ER is out of the question. I'd get locked up...with no medical program to ease the withdrawal. Plus my rep would be trashed. I'd probably lose my job.

God has performed a couple of miracles in my life. The only other answer I can think of is for him to help me one more time. I'm in so deep, though... Jeez.

Well, I'm not going anywhere tonight. I have enough meds to get through the next day or two. It's after that I'm worried about. I hate to be a whining baby, but I simply can't go through that pain. It kicks my ***. I pray in front of you all for God to help me. Please do something.

I have to go for tonight. I'll check back in tomorrow.

Thanks to you all.

[avisg]

I know sometime it times like addiction can swallow you whole ,That you don't see anyway out .There always is there are many people here that have gone threw this we are here to help.There is a life and a way out you have a wife and a child and I am sure many  others that love and need you . I can help you with a taper plan ,there are is always options .we are here to help.

[sue41]

Friend, I have already said a prayer for you, but I will be saying another before I turn in for the night and again in the morning.  Just please don't give up.  It can be done.  I know it is hard to believe that now, but I PROMISE it can.  I have seen it happen many times.  I have a degree in social work and I have been associated with addicts in one way or another almost my entire life.  Not to forget that I am one also.  We can overcome with the love and support of God and family.  God does not give up on us when we earnestly ask for help.  

i will be glad to talk with you whenever you need it.

Sue

[jwoollen]

How can you help me with the plan? I've tried it before...but was unsuccessful. What does the icon by your name mean?

[sue41]

One last thing to think about before leaving tonight.

"If you're alive, there's a purpose for your life"
Rick Warren Quote

This is a wonderful man.  When I am at my lowest points I can pick up almost anything he has written and apply it to my life.

Again, please send me a message if you want to talk.

[J_friend]

Ok, my friend, let's look at this:  you're taking 200-300mg, so that's approx 20-30 Norcos a day.  As someone asked already, is this prescribed from your doctor?  If so, I'm sure he'd prescribe Suboxone or something to help with withdrawals.  That's an option.  And, if you're obtaining these from the street, then surely you have some money.  This is money which, again, could easily be used to purchase Suboxone or other things which would assist in withdrawal symptoms.

Everyone is going to tell you that suicide isn't the answer, but you already know that.  Right now, you're consumed with this, and you don't see a way out.  Back up a bit ... try to look at it a bit differently.  You can change your state of mind - you KNOW that - that's why you take pills in the first place ... because you KNOW that your feelings are susceptible to change.  You really NEED to understand that at a DEEP level ... you MUST believe that your mind can change; otherwise, you wouldn't use pills.  

The pills aren't the ONLY thing that can provide you relief from life's pain.  Maybe you can just try to taper slowly.  You can still get the high you need from the pills, but you can begin to cut down a bit.  In the meantime, start focusing on your options - just like you did today when you wrote on this forum - that's an option.  A bunch of people who can relate with you and support you.  I think you'll be amazed at ALL of the options that will present themselves once you truly look around.  Make it a project for yourself - you're a smart guy - you'll probably trip out on all of the options out there once you start looking.

Again, the mind and your thoughts can definitely change.  Don't allow yourself to get consumed with despair.  Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.  Think about that, my friend.

[road2recovery]

very good post!!!
r2r

[worried878]

I hope that you return and give this a shot...sorry i missed your post a little earlier...time off work is an issue I know...I had to do the same but suicide is like taking off forever...no comparison...these pills have gotten our thinking screwed up....instead of euphoria they began to make me feel like you are sounding right now...down and out...you can change all of this...just gotta get started and thinking towards a goal...this can happen to anyone...it does not mean you are a leper..I am an intelligent caring human being..I have a masters degree and 2 wonderful children...I always thought I was a strong person...Me?  just did not make sense that I was a pill head...you can do this...it is do-able...please keep posting

[aloneandempty85]

dont know you or anyone here.  Addicted to different drugs but feeling a lot like you sound. Not sure i remember how to pray, but i will give it a shot for you. if you stumble back upon this forum and read this, i could use a prayer as well.

[what2donow]

If you are still here and want to talk, im here for you.When things are at their worst, they can only go one way, up. There is a way out.There is state funding for treatment and lots of other options.You say you have a wife and child, please dont even consider sucide.That would hurt them so much. If you need to talk im here.PM me any time.

*Jenna*

[susan303]

I hope you are feeling better today.  I know how the pill addition is and I am so sorry for you, but if you want off of them you can do it.  I promise!!!  Something that helped me with withdrawals and pain is Zanaflex.  It will also relax you and help you sleep as well.  It is a muscle relaxer.  I really think you would like it.  Nonhabit forming as well and also neurotin helped to.  If you ever want to talk, I will always listen and help you if I can.  I am only 32 and felt like you as well, but things are better now.  I promise it does get better, but I know when you are hurting and scared we can tell you that a million times and it does not help.  Just remember we only want to help.  There are so great people on here.  I call them my godsend angels...  God will help you thru this.  Have faith.  You only need faith the size of a mustard seed to move a mountain, and we are here for you and so is your family..  God bless you... Susie

[jwoollen]

Thank you for your thoughts. Today is better. The suicidal thoughts come and go...and today is not so bad. All of your posts helped me more than I thought they would.

I still have to face being out of meds soon...and of course I'm terrified of that.

Thanks again to everybody who wrote. If I make it, I'll let you know.

[worried878]

Hope you make it...how do you mean "make it"....what is your next step?  I am glad u r felling better about things today

[jwoollen]

'Make it through the weekend alive.

[Missy31]

Have you ever tried looking in the phone book under addiction or drugs, there are crisis lines and different numbers where you can call, maybe someone in your area or surrounding area can link you with a dr. that may could help? Just a thought

[dove3053]

Sounds like you got alot of good advice. With this forum your never alone. My heart goes out to you having been where you are at one point in my life. All I can say is just hang in there and things really can and do get better.

Dove

[GoingToMakeIt]

Have you looked at the Health pages here? Look at the amino acid protocol and maybe the Thomas recipe. Try taking things that will help your mood. SamE 400mg is a good one. as are others. Don't mess with the depression. As you get away from the drugs the depression can get worse. Get a handle on it now.

[mommy52713]

I know first hand how tuff these times can be. Please dont hurt yourself where theres a will theres a way. if you ever need to talk just pm me i am here 4 you best of luck holly

[Kathy1010]

Please don't give up.I had a really tough time coming off the Norco/Fentanyl.My doc prescribed suboxone and that helped.Go to suboxone.com if you want to learn about it.Not all docs can prescribe it.You can do it outpatient and not miss work.I was fortunate that work comp covered it because it can be expensive but you can get your life back.Please let us know how you are doing.

[Jacqui805]

Please hang in with us, with me....I'm uh, experiencing some of the same "thoughts" right now.....only for a few days, but I understand.  I too am off an on with feeling these things, and it's days, or moments, where my head gets knocked back into place, even temporarily, that I am so thankful I'm still here.  

[dove3053]

What kind of meds are you on?  If you could tell us that I'm sure someone else has been on the samething and that could help.

I just take my problems one day at a time. I know that sounds dumb to people but it does work.

Dove

[Firefaery1023]

Try taking less of your meds today and the through the weekend so that you will have withdrawals but they won't be so severe.   How about take 5 a day.  Can you do that?  You will have withdrawals but when you stop it won't be so bad, even when your taking 5 a day you will have withdrawals.  Can you ask your wife to hold on to your pills?  We all understand your pain and we know that you feel like you are dying during withdrawals but it doesn't last forever.  Keep that in mind that will help.  My doctor put me on neurontin to help me sleep and relax but I didn't tell him that I was an addict and it helped a lot.  Also I am on Prozac, most people go through depression after withdrawals but an anti-depressant helps.  Good Luck and keep posting.
Lots of Love,
Fire