I've been posting on other folks pages for the past couple of days, and decided I'd come forward with questions and thanks. I have been abusing pain meds of any kind for over ten years, maybe more. For the past year I've abused Norco 10s, taking 5 to 10 a day. I've lied to my doc, lied to my family, stole drugs from friends, went through med cabinets of homes I'd visit, even stole pain meds from my mother while she suffered the end stages of cancer. I've been through many ct withdrawals because I could never tapper off - I wanted that feeling, knowing full well what was waiting for me when i quit. On January 1st, I felt so much shame for having ripped off meds from a friend again, that I decided to stop. On January 2nd I took my last four Norco, and thus am in day four of detox. I have been in hell. Although I've detoxed in the past, I've NEVER experienced anything like this in my life. You all know the symptoms so I won't review. I'm at the end of day four, and feel a wee bit better. I was able to eat today. Because of the help I've received on this site, I bought Vit B12, C and an OTC sleep aid. I also got some great support and encouragement from folks like Lulu. Finally, I found a quote, and I can't remember where, from someone who said "...count the seconds, count the minutes, whatever it takes to get you through". Thanks to all of you. I wonder how long, based on the time and amount used, it will be until the hell is over. I know that I've a long road ahead re learning how to live and enjoy life without the meds; I just want the panic, pain and sleeplessness to end. There are moments when I'm glad this is so hard...It is a blessing of sorts because I will never put myself through this again. I can't.
Give it about two weeks and then you will start the process of healing and feeling better. The physical symptoms should end after 5 or 6 days so you are almost there. You will not want to go anywhere or do anything but force yourself to and it will help to quicken the mental healing process. Stick with it. You don't want to have to go through this more than once. I relapsed and am going through it a second time although I purposely kept myself from taking alot per day so it is not as bad but it still *****. If you want to have someone to talk to, I am here. It would have helped me the first time if I knew someone was there.
Glad you posted your own thread...It will be easier for us to keep track and give you support. You are brave and have a good attitude...Like beenthere said you are almost through the worst of the physical. Remember it took you ten years to get here so you won't get out right away. Patience, diligence, compassion for yourself and a good aftercare plan are all key. I'm heading to bed but will check in and out all weekend so if you need anything let me know...Keep going, you're doing great....Lu
Thanks to you both. I can't tell you how much this site has helped me, but you already know that. For the last four days I've spent hours reading and re reading the posts, finding information and encouragement. Prior to my detox I never understood why sites like this existed; how people could stare at a computer, read about strangers, yet find courage in their words. Now I get it. I'm at the end of day four. I've actually had a second of OKness tonight, then it flashed away. I've eaten breakfast and dinner; lots of vitamins, Gatorade and Ensure (sp?) to help with my muscle weakness. Maybe knowing that I'm doing something good for myself for a change is what the moment of OKness was all about. Thanks again.
OK...Made it to day five. Anyone out there who's just starting to do the right thing, I'm here to say that you CAN do it. Sleeping a bit better; woke up hungry for the second morning. The mental crap, depression, panic, etc., is still alive and well, but easier to deal with with food, vitamins and rest. Starting to take walks today. Again, many thanks to all on this site. With your help, and the help of my family, I've made it this far...I was going to say something like, and I'll never look back, but I will. I don't, and won't, ever forget what I've been through the past four days. I know I've got many days of recovery ahead of me, and who knows what today has in store, but the past four days were hell - my blessing. I needed this. I'm a slow learner, but after ten years I've finally got it. Will be back.
Yay for day 5! You have a great attitude and let me tell you-that's half the battle. The walk will do you good-exercise saved me in many ways. Also awesome that you're hungry. I've eaten more in the 34 days I've been clean than I did ever on opiates. Still skinny as a twelve year old boy though(: One moment at a time....Proud of you....Lu
Hey Kyle! Your attitude is going to save your life here. I think you know that this time it's forever and there's no going back. You've accepted that. Maybe the WD's were hell this time because of that? Our brains are so tricky and the disease so cunning...
I'm glad you kept pushing and I'm glad you've embraced this time because it makes a huge difference in recovery. The exercise is going to help a great deal,too. You'll see. Just walking and breathing can be a great thing!
Lu and Vicki
Thanks. I just got back from the office (own my own business). On Tuesday, day one in hell, I was talking to my accountant and found a serious tax related error. Talk about panic! I tried to keep my mind off it during the next few days in hell, but every time I though about it - really bad panic. Well, it is fixed. A MINOR error. Plus, my computer was having problems, but I DID NOT panic today. Called a friend and it also is fixed. I had a big breakfast (3 eggs, toast, bacon, OJ), took my vitamins, and just finished a big lunch. The weirdness and semi uncertainty is still there, but the needless panic attacks seem to be gone. Or maybe I'm speaking too soon. Anyway, bottom line, a much better day today. Day 5 is OK. And I'm only half way through. I owe so much to the wonderful people on this site. I will never forget my withdrawal, and never forget the help from all of you. (If you can't tell, still in that overblown emotional stage. I told my 18 daughter that I was proud of her - she just looked at me and smiled. Pretty cool.)
That's great about the accounting error. I know you were worrying about that and I thought: "Uh oh...this is going to flip him!" Thank goodness it was minor. I always worry about those nasty things happening to folks in the early days. It so vulnerable a time, as you are finding out!
I don't think you're speaking too soon. It's exactly how it feels but don't be surprised if a really bad day creeps in...it just happens to everyone so don't let it throw you...
Are you giving any thought to aftercare as in therapy, AA, that kind of thing? Most of us need extra support. You can "design" your own kind of therapy as long as it's focused and is a help to you. For example, one thing that I did was volunteering with some school age kids in their drama dept. LOL! (it worked for me!) It was just great at the time and I'll be doing it again soon.
That WAS a big breakfast! Then lunch? Then supper? LOL! Better put exercise on the list!
I am a recovering boozer, sober for 23 years, so I've already looked into meetings and have found one close to home. Can't take credit for that thought - saw the suggestion on this site. And yes, during days two and three, the thought of going in to the office today was horrible - the earth was going to end. In fact, I posted yesterday, and now it's pretty funny, that I made myself go get a haircut and panicked when the place was closed! Boy, I'm going to have some great stories to tell. Thanks again for your help. I've been reading more posts, and my heart really goes out to some of the folks who are struggling with admitting to themselves that they have to stop, and those who are in the early (earlier than me anyway) stage of the battle. One person talked about wanting to sleep through the next two weeks. That is a mistake; we all need to go through this, bad as it gets, come out the other side, and have the memory of the days in hell burned into our memories forever (again, emotional but true). I've been calling this ct detox my blessing. And it is.
It can be a blessing so I'm happy you see it that way, too. Being a little older makes a difference,as well. We know we just can't trash ourselves and go through this forever! I would rather not,thank you very much!!
There's only one way and that's through it! You're doing great!
I have to share this story, and if I offend anyone, I apologize in advance. As we all know, one of the things that happen when we ct detox is an almost immediate (at least for me) horrible cramping, then diarrhea - for days. Well, about an hour ago I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in days, no diarrhea. Without thinking, I let out a loud "cool". My wife came to the door and asked me what I was doing in there. I explained, but I guess I'm the only one who really appreciates the event.
For now, it's the little things that show progress. One less thing...
You got it. I ate three huge meals today, plus the bm, and this is only day five...Day one seems so long ago; what a journey. More to look forward to. Still having emotional ups and downs, and after reading posts on this site, expect to for quite a while, but feeling physically better, no weakness, shaking, etc., helps me handle the mental crap better. I'm even almost sleeping. Thanks for your comment. I got a laugh.
Chuckling out loud Kyle....I love your honesty and know it will take you far in your recovery...It's so important to recognize the little victories and see the suffering as healing....Our bodies show us all kinds of weird and wonderful things as the poison exits(:
I absolutely saw/see my detox and everything I've been through as a blessing...And as each day passes and I am further restored to my authentic self-I see that anything in life is possible...It's very exciting.
Vicki's story about volunteering is spot on-I've been doing much volunteer work and it feeds my soul and helps me so much in my recovery...It's so important to get outside of ourselves and act with compassion...It makes it easier to have compassion for ourselves which helps us to evolve...
Oh-and one of my first detox 'activities' was a hair cut/colour...I was so panicked about it and then felt like a million bucks afterwards...then I walked out onto the street and was accosted by a newsman with a camera...OMG my pupils were still so dilated and I was interviewed for the local news! I never saw it but I'm fairly certain I made some sense...(: Surprising what we're capable of...Happy for you kyle.....
Well, the haircut comes next. Because of the drugs - not true - because of my abusing the drugs, I really let myself go. I keep talking about eating because I would go the whole day without food (read somewhere that having food on your stomach when you took Norco might subdue the affect, so, what would you do?), take my handful of pills at 4 pm, then give it an hour and eat at 5. Anyway, nothing happened until 4 - thus very little happened. I've got a lot of things to catch up on. I will have full days, and am looking forward to what can be accomplished. Thanks again for your constant comments. I continue to hang on to this site as a way to get through.
Yes...the opiates do awful things to our digestive systems...I didn't purposefully not eat-I just couldn't. I eat non-stop now and still can't keep any weight on (lots of exercise and sweating)
Every day is a new experience and my face hurts from smiling...
I am excited for you...I'm on here tonight because I know how quiet it can be on the weekend...my first weekend a month ago was super rough and I so appreciated the few who were around here that made me feel less alone...and even made me laugh(:
Remember to not try and take on the world all in one go-break it down into small, manageable tasks so you don't feel overwhelmed. This way you set yourself up for success and you will be continually surprised at how much you are able to accomplish....And always be kind to yourself...Lu
Thanks for the advice. I know that I will be very limited for a long time, but I am looking forward to a day that starts at 9 a.m., not 3 p.m. I know I'll be tired, will still feel the depression and panic, but I also know that those feelings will become less and less as time goes by. I will do things slower, but may still be more productive, in between crying jags. Speaking of which, did you experience those, the over the top emotion at any little thing, and if so, how long does it last? I'm taking my daughter to the airport tomorrow so she can go back to college, and I've been sobbing about it for the past three days. And, although I just knew this wouldn't happen - insert laugh track here - I was just in the spa, feeling OK, and thinking, hey, later on down the road, if I should come upon a pill or two, no more, why not try it? Folks have a drink or to on a Saturday night, right? What's the difference?
I'm amazed that it's starting so soon. That thought didn't last long; again, the last few days of hell are a blessing. I just found it ironic that I've been posting, and happy, about eating, walking, etc., and up pops the devil. This is going to be an interesting, life-long process. Folks like you are greatly needed.
Kyle...that just made me remember the DREAMS!! Oh Man! You will dream about the pills and it's very unsettling. Well, you might not but it's very common. I thought that part was pretty awful. Bad enough during waking hours but dealing with it in dreams gets interesting...
And think about this: What happens if you get hurt/need surgery/break a bone? You need a plan for that...but you've probably read about it here!!
Honestly...I've been way less emotional since I went off the pills...I have been experiencing way more joy-but less sorrow and WAY less feeling sorry for myself. I cried today because I was so freaking tired and my dogs woke me up at 4 am for the third day in a row...but the tears felt good...
I was sure i was going to die if I stayed on those drugs-so each day feels like a miracle to me...everyone feels different. I know a lot of folks on here talk about crying jags...It's normal. Whatever feelings were being numbed out by the drugs come out....lots of different feelings. It's the reason the aftercare is important...As is having a plan for pain/surgery like Vicki mentioned...This was my biggest issue as I have chronic disease and illness...I've had to change my whole lifestyle and it's awesome-but a learning process. I was opiate free two years ago for six months but had to go back on for three consecutive surgeries...I thought I'd never get off the merry-go-round...until I did. One day, one moment, one step at a time...Lu
Thank you both. This is what I've done in order to prevent this from ever happening again; if for some reason I can't remember what I'm going through.
I have emailed my doctor. Honestly told him about my problem - I think he knew, and even questioned me years ago about my usage, so it was a hard email to write. I asked him to red flag my file as an abuser, someone who could not take opioid (?) meds. I told my wife; so, if in the future I have surgery and somehow come home with vics they will be flushed. She will even be with me during a pre op visit to be sure I inform the doc about the red flag. I also told a friend that has given me Norcos in the past (he will be on them forever probably, but somehow has not increased his usage in over ten years!) what has happened, that I am an addict, and told him no matter what, to tell me to go back to hell if I ever hint at getting a pill from him.
I also have a friend who's in the medical field, and he said that there are some alternative meds out there that are non addictive. That's good to know.
And Lulu, you mentioned that this site is usually quiet on weekends. It seems like it would be busy; the weekends are when my usage would increase a pill or two.
Another question...I have been taking a very mild, over the counter sleep aid for the past two nights. I'm not sure if it's just in my head, or if it is really helping, or if time has passed and I'm sleeping better, but it seems that I'm sleeping a little better. Still wake up several times a night, but manage six or seven hours of very broken sleep. Sometimes I'm up for over a half hour before drifting off again, Anyway, the stuff is meletonin (sp?) and camimille (sp?) based, that's it. All natural. But, I don't want to start depending on it, physically or mentally, in order to sleep. How long would it be ok to use? I know everyone's different, so just a suggestion/opinion would be helpful.
You can use it indefinitely...Melatonin is natural as is the Chamomile. Melatonin can be bought separately,too. Oh and we make Melatonin in our bodies,or we supposed to, so it's good stuff. It's a hormone and it's produced by the pineal gland in our brains (uh oh!).
I'm really surprised by how well you're sleeping. It's usually horrible for just about everyone. Must be that attitude!
Well, the sleep is not great, but I guess better than some. But, tonight is another night. I think a lot of it for me is telling my wife, etc. The pressure to get a good night's sleep so I can do things the next day is off. Everyone knows what I'm trying to do. It's a mind game, but helps.
Oh, and I'm impressed that you know where Melatonin comes from, and that you spelled everything correctly. Another thing to look forward to.
How long have you been clean and what kind of meds? I know that it really doesn't make any difference, but learning more about people always helps me gauge my recovery. I made sure that I couldn't falter, at least easily, because I told everyone, including my doc, that I'm detoxing and why. A really hard thing to do. I have a friend who's on Norcos, my favorite, and he was willing to give me a couple for my "leg pain". I would have had to wait til today, day five, but the morning of day two it was set. Well, after the hell, the deep, dark, horrible hell day two was, I got on the phone the morning of day three and told him everything. Thank God the withdrawal was sooo bad, as I've been saying, it was / is a blessing of sorts. I kept thinking, well, I used to take 5 - 10 a day, so two will only help me deal with this ++++. Crazy.
OK...I found your post. It sounds like our drug of choice is similar. From what you've written, you weren't taking a lot, and didn't mention for how long (or I couldn't find it). All I can say, as is said on this site hundreds of times, is just get through the hell. As you've read on my post, day five for me is much better. Eating, becoming more active, panic is a little less, and getting my sense of humor back. I know I have a very long way to go, but it is very worth it. This is an over-used expression, but if I can do it, you can do it. Trust me; I've been saying that if, on day one, you'd have told me that I'd have made it to day three, four, or five, I would have called you a lier. Post more.
Hope you got some sleep...I'm still only averaging 4-5 hours a night(: I take melatonin as well and like Vicki said-take it indefinitely, it's produced in our bodies and helps to moderate the sleep/wake schedule. I saw a detox doc after my detox (I know-it was random) and he told me it's only effective if you take it when the sun goes down...So that's like 4:45 pm where I live...Hope you are doing good today. Like I said before-you're doing all the right things. What I meant about it being quiet on the weekend-is the members that have been around and clean for awhile are not around as much.....
Well, it's day six. I slept OK...Seemed like more tossing and turning than the night before, but some was caused because I'm taking my daughter to the airport in about an hour. She's returning to college; I've been dreading this for days. The extra emotional crap from the detox doesn't help. But, it is day six, I'm eating great, and physically feel much better. Legs not weak, no more shakes, etc. You know the drill. I think, like everyone's said, that the mental part of this is something that I have to approach on an hour by hour, day by day basis. Feeling better physically does help.
I hope the send off goes well...I understand what you are feeling-my parents left for a month a couple of weeks after my detox and they are a huge support for me....It's been good though-and nice for them to be out of the country and not worrying about me(: It's been awhile since they didn't have to worry about me. I'm sure your daughter will feel that way to and be proud of you....Yay day 6! Keep it going.....Lu
Just got back from dropping my daughter at the airport. Fortunately, she loves her school, and there were a couple of classmates heading for the same flight. I'm happy for her, and very proud of her, but still miss her greatly. Had these same emotions when I was using, but now it's almost overwhelming. Day six is an accomplishment, I know, but having to drop her off feels like it's set me back. More anxious, unhappiness, etc. I am still eating (having lunch soon), will exercise, but the heartache I feel is terrible. I hate this. Another part of the hell I will never go through again. Tomorrow is the final "big thing" that I have to do since I detoxed - I'm going back to work. Fingers crossed for day seven. Thanks again Lulu.
Trying to do my weekend chores...Boy is this hard. Cleaned pool, did lawn, doing room by room garbage take out. For some reason today is harder than yesterday. I think that it is quiet in the house, all the kids are out and about, and the three o'clock hour is fast approaching. That is usually when I'd get the pills and put them in my pocket, to be taken between 3 and 4. I keep watching the clock, wanting to get past three. I'm making myself do stuff but not feeling any better about it. This is the pits. I can't seem to find any humor in this, like I was able to do yesterday. Well, day seven, a whole week, just around the corner. That's a positive thing.
Hmmm....sounds like it's time for a joke? A song? Should I go get lulu?
It bites! No doubt about it. So, it's good that you posted...
Think of something to replace the 3 pm habit. My tough time was in the morning, just when I woke up. I had to change and think up a whole,new routine. It seriously works! What could you do? Have some coffee? MMM
Take a vitamin (always works)?
I'm here! Kyle...go for a walk-a fast one...a jog would be better but I understand if you aren't up for it. Vitamins are good too....But exercise will give you a natural high...and that is what your brain and body are looking for...Hang on you are doing SO good...
Thanks. I finished my chores and am having a protein shake. I keep harping on my daughter leaving, but I really think that is what is dragging me down. I have two other great kids living at home, but I'm selfish, and like having all of them around. I also think that I was making such good progress and really though I'd handle my daughter leaving better. All the things I've been reading over the last six days, I should have known that this dip was a possibility. Thanks again for being there. I'm looking at this site and it seems I'm posting more than anyone, but I don't have a meeting til 6 and have to keep posting to stay sane. Improving my typing speed.
Kyle...seriously post as much as you need to...whatever gets you through the moment. Do something...rest...do something else...rest...Trust me on the exercise though-you have to start small and work your way up. I remember at 5 days or so everyone was telling me to exercise and I was like "Are you kidding me? I can hardly make it to the bathroom!!!" But then I listened...and they were so right...Been increasing exercise daily and hiked 7 km this morning...Feels awesome. You can do this...
Took a short walk. It didn't really do anything except get me out of the house and in to the sun for a while. During my first three or four days of withdrawal I was so consumed by the physical hell that I was distracted from the mental. I read on this site about people who were two or three weeks clean, or more, who were complaining about depression, etc. I thought that anything would be better than my body trying to reject it's own skin, and wondered why they were writing what they writing. I stand corrected. A dip in a hot tub can help with the skin crawls. Nothing I've done thus far has helped with my mental state. I really need help with this. I've read about exercise, making yourself do things, after care. And I understand this is my first day of really bad mental crap, and it will get better. I just feel defeated. And obviously feeling sorry for myself.
Don't be defeated...It takes patience...Remember ten years is a long time for your body and brain...It will take longer than 6 days to recover. I know w/d hell feels like the worst thing that ever happened..But the thing is-the brain thinks "Well I've been through this ordeal so now I should be better! NOW!"
It's the whole instant gratification thing...take a pill...make the pain stop...see where I'm going with this? Think back to your quote about taking it one moment at a time. Recovery is accumulative...You work towards it, step by step, using the tools (exercise, vitamins, connecting with others, connecting with yourself, diet etc) and each day it gets a little bit better...and then A LOT better...But it takes patience..and compassion...and self love. Don't be hard on yourself right now....It's re-training the body and brain....Be proud of how far you've come and be excited about where you are going...But stay in the moment...and do what you can to make it the best moment possible....Lu
And you hit it - the instant gratification thing. I guess that you're exactly right...These past six days have seemed more like six years. I keep eating, vitamins, etc. Did chores today, and that really took effort. So, my head is telling me, you deserve a break. But a break didn't happen. I also dread going to bed, because I know I'm in for another round of tossing and turning. It is wearing on me, even though I get some sleep. Just tired. Thanks again for being there.
Am just heading to bed but I wanted to say that yes-the reward centre in your brain is used to getting a drug...So you have to re-train it to want something else...There are many pleasures in life that are GOOD for us...Remember that you were 'rewarding' yourself with something that actually made you sick...It may take you awhile to change this...But I promise you are going to start experiencing pleasure in small things every day..Sunshine, smiles on your kids faces, the taste of a mango (that was me tonight!) I promise it's so worth it....Wishing you a restful night (listen to music if you can't sleep-works for me) and a brighter more joyful tomorrow...Hang on to your faith....Lu
Thanks to Lulu and all. I took another walk, went in the spa, and seem a bit more relaxed. I just wanted to do a final post on my string for any recovering alcoholics out there who are going through med detox. I was looking over my posts today and I was feeling sorry for myself...Couldn't find anything to cling to. Then it hit me - several times during the first four days in hell, I thought about taking a shot of booze; I had no pills, and I desperately wanted something to take the hell away, even if for only an hour, and even if I'd pay for it later. This is the first time in 23 years that I've been tempted to drink. I didn't, and just realized that this instant. Thats something. End of day six, on to day seven.
If you dont mind me asking how many norcos were you taking the day before you stoped? I am taking 9-10 a day right now, but was at 30-40 a day... slowing killing myself lol... but I want to stop probably next weekend.
I actually feel good. The crushing emotion from yesterday is gone; I know it can return, but I'll enjoy for now. I'm eating a big breakfast, two eggs, ham and french toast, taking my vitamins, and so far feel no panic about returning to work. I used NO sleep aid last night and did fine. For this exact moment, I almost feel, uh, happy. I owe so much to you, Vicki, and the others who read my posts, especially the ones yesterday that were just filled with self-pity, and sent me word of encouragement, and kept me going. I will post later today. Just saw a post from a young man just starting the journey. I wrote to him, and feel his pain.
Hey there Kyle! You are doing amazing! I'm inspired by your insight and appreciate all that you have shared. This thread is another great example of how the knowledge and sincerity of kindred spirits can carry us. I'm so happy you found your way here. Take care :o)
I am so happy you are feeling better..slept...going to work. All good things and all because of YOU and your great attitude and desire to reclaim your life. I wish you an awesome day and hope you check in later and let us know how you made out. You are an inspiration-never forget how brave and strong you are....Lu
Back from work, and today was a GOOD day. The physical crap is almost over (still a little weak), the mental wasn't as bad as yesterday. I ate like a pig, got caught up on the stuff that sat while I danced with the devil, and have scheduled an exercise program starting tomorrow. Going for a walk later, vitamins, vitamin water. AND, what's very exciting, tomorrow I can use the W word - WEEK. Tomorrow I will have been clean for a WEEK! I printed out my string and put it in my safe...I will never have that history very far from me. My doc responded to my email, congratulating me for what I've done. He said that very few can admit to the addiction, and fewer still will ever do something about it. Nice. To all of you (I'm tearing up here - damn emotions), people I've never met and no very little about, I can never thank you enough. I will keep posting - I know that tomorrow can be the pits, but today was cool.
Yay week! What a difference a week can make, hey? Your attitude is fantastic and I'm so happy your back to work was a success...Also-awesome about the support from your doctor...My doctor was amazed when I told her as well...It's so affirming-good for you(:
I am about to head out to do something very exciting and scary in my career...Holy butterflies...I had to do a looooong hike today to work out my anxiety-but hey! It's so good to feel....
Enjoy your evening and keep on keeping on....So proud of you...
Good luck with your career move. You've been an inspiration to me, and to many others on this site. Folks like you and Vicki, and mangel, have been involved with this site for a long time. I can imagine the number of people you've helped. I plan to stick around (still have a long road ahead); I'm gonna need support, and maybe in between I can offer some other person a bit of whatever. I know you'll do great. Look what you've overcome, and for me, after getting through the ct withdrawals, everyday life is a piece of cake. Let us know how you did.
My last post of day seven. Very excited because tomorrow I can use the W word - week. I love writing that and seeing it on my string. Tomorrow I will have a week clean, and begin week two, my eighth day. Had, are you ready for this, beans & ham hocks for dinner! Took a long walk, got in the spa, and now relaxing before bed. Still not sleeping like a normal person, but the positive changes seem to make it easier to deal with a little fatigue in the late afternoon. As alway, I owe everything to this site. Thank you all so much.
Thanks. I just posted on the other site a thanks for the gift horse info. This has been an experience that I guess we all had to get through. Glad to see that there is wisdom and a sense of humor at the other end.
Just back from my big job-it went awesome thanks!...Crawling into bed. Just a few short hours away from a WEEK! Yes it is exciting....You may not sleep like a normal person for awhile...But as long as you are eating, exercising, resting, being kind to yourself and staying clean-sleep will come when it comes....And it's great that you are reaching out to support others on here...It's what it's all about...Compassion....Wishing you a restful night...Lu
Starting day 8 - starting week two. Not a lot of sleep last night. This roller coaster is crazy. However, I feel ok, and am proud of myself for being clean a week. Since I was away from work last week, I'll just go in and get caught up. A silver lining to a clouded mind. I also feel that the physical improvement allows me to handle the lack of sleep much better than a few days ago.
Good morning, and thanks again to all. Oh yeah, I'm going to attempt the haircut that didn't happen last Thursday. I have to talk to people I don't know. I'll be back.
I am right there with you. Today is day 7 for me. My emotions are still like a roller coaster. . . . . . but it is good to know that this is "normal". I am always saying: "Normal is just a saying on a washing machine"!!!
Anyways. . . . . Good for you. . . . I am right there behind you!!!!
Congratulations on a great start to week two...Hoping the hair cut does it's job to help you feel like the 'new man' that you are. Have an awesome day at work...It will help with the mental stuff. One moment at a time....Lu
Back from work. The lack of sleep (more than usual) hit pretty hard, but I was still able to get a lot done, albeit nodding off here and there. Got my haircut. Big accomplishment. Not feeling quite as chipper as I was this time yesterday...but this time last week I was descending into the depths of hell (oh the drama), so, I guess I'm way ahead of the game. Will try to get some rest, eat, etc. First day of week two (day 8). As always, thanks to everyone.
Lol..."oh the drama..." I love it. Hang on to your sense of humour(:
I just wanted to address the question you had about amino acids...The best way is to get a 2 litre of whey protein (apparently you can buy it at walmart) it's called Protein Plus here in Canada...Get the chocolate. Mix 2 scoops with a banana and milk (I use almond milk) in the blender and do it twice a day for now..It contains all of the amino acids that you need to rebuild your body and brain....Really, really helps....
Congratulations again on WEEK 2! You are doing awesome...Lu
Thanks ... I actually think I have some of the whey stuff here. And no wonder we get along, you are from Canada. My mom was born in Newfoundland, all her family is from there, and I still have several relatives living in Newfie. They call themselves the "trailer trash" of Canada. Talk about a great sense of humor.
Anyway, the lack of sleep is what I'm having the most trouble with. I can really turn around what could otherwise be a good day.
Ah yes...I love Newfies. I am, however, a West Coast gal....
Try not to focus on the sleep. I did (obsessively) and it created a whole other issue. It is tough but you will be surprised at how well you can function without it. As long as you keep doing all the good stuff that you're doing..Your body will give in and sleep when it needs to. I listen to soft music every night when I go to sleep now-it distracts my brain from worrying and soothes me....Also-I know you're a guy(: But lavender oil (essential oil) is really soothing. You can say 'whatever' if you want(: LOL. I douse myself and my bed and bath with the stuff!
vicki and lulu:
Thanks again to you both. I just took a nap of sorts and feel better. I think what it is, as you've probably already experienced, is a bit of frustration. Doing well, don't mind work, but the sleep thing is like a roadblock. Oh well, I'll wait. On to day nine.
Number Nine (Beatles, White Album)....Day nine. Had a good night's sleep, not great, but good. I'm happyish. Woke up, ate breakfast and am now off to work. Plan to pick up stuff from the amino protocol (thanks again Vicki). In general I feel good, and proud to be at day nine. What a difference. Will post later. Thanks as always to everyone.
OK...Home from work. Day 9 winding down. It was a good day; continuing to get caught up. During the months using I'd work very slowly, always looking forward to getting home and taking the pills. I didn't care. I'm happy with the things I've done today. Anyone just starting, it really can be done. Thanks to all. May post later.
It's a classic. My kids, 16, 18, 24 and 37 love it. All Beatles. One thing I did right over the years. Had dinner and have just started using some of the amino acid protocol ingredients. For me, the bottom line is not getting enough sleep; I know it will come, but I feel pretty good otherwise. Last week seems so far away now, but it's burned in my memory. Thanks for everything. Again.
You are spot on as usual. I know that sleep will come, but my days are getting better, and with some solid sleep, they'd be almost normal. Almost. I've been fortunate because my anxiety level is much lower; I'm coping with my daughter returning to college. Things aren't quite so dramatic; I haven't had a panic attack for, well I can't remember the last one. And, i don't dread going to bed anymore. I know I won't sleep normally for a while, but I seem to be dealing with it. I've been reading posts from people who are just starting their journey. I remember how horrible my days two, three and four were for me, so I try to support them, then cross my fingers. I hope things are well with you. Thanks again for everything. As always.
Day 10 - Finally, double digits!
Still not sleeping great, and since that will persist for a while, I'm going to stop posting about it. I will do a sleep post when it improves. Overall, doing very good; going to my first workout today. I've been walking, but this will be my first day returning to the gym. I'll see what I can do, and do it.
A week ago today was the absolute worst day of my ct detox; the whole experience was/is a blessing, but being a week away from last Thursday is fantastic. I'm having breakfast, then to the gym and work (day 4 back at work).
Thanks as always to the wonderful people on this site who helped me to day 10.
Finished first day back at gym. Did OK, and feel better. A physical and mental hurdle. Eating good, etc. Will post every once in a while to check in. On to life. Thanks again to all who've helped me through this. Day 10, and doing good. It's nice to be semi-back.
Good for you Kyle! The exercise really helps...Thank you as well for your kind words and encouragement...You have a way with words and giving support on here and I hope you stick around....You are definitely an asset to this forum(:
Kell - Thanks so much. I will take all the encouragement I can get.
Lulu - I plan to stick around; I've just been looking at my posts and lately they are starting to become fairly repetitive and mundane, which is a good thing. The first week ct drama is lifting. And I have no gems to offer others who are beginning their journey - I'm not there yet. Anyway, I will continue to look in on you considering your current situation; support you however I can. Maybe a bad joke or obscure Beatle reference. You'll do great. And again, I can never thank you enough for your efforts.
Evening, day 11. Very productive at work today - finally caught up (took time off last week for detox); being behind was just one of many things I panicked about during my first few days. Although I'm not feeling as wonderful as I did on the drugs, I am feeling OK. Got my first non-medicated, non-detoxing weekend coming up...Looking forward to it. Wow! Actually looking forward to something!
As always, and I'll never stop writing this, thanks to all of you on this site who were instrumental in saving my life. A tough road made a bit easier by your kindness and insight. Now, on to day 12!!
First sober non-detoxing weekend...Awesome! Keep doing the things that you're doing and in no time you are going to feel better than you ever did on the drugs....Because you'll feel like YOU...Authentically...whatever that looks like...And you'll have a new sense of pride because of all you've been through and the lessons and strength that you've garnered....Make sure you give some of that heart felt gratitude to the person that truly saved your life...YOU. Sleep well...Big day 12 tomorrow...Lu
Thanks Lulu...And all the best...My thoughts are with you, and hope only for your happiness. Get a good night's sleep. I'll check in tomorrow IF i'm not too busy doing all kinds of stuff. Kidding, I'll be back.
Day 12...First Saturday without pills, or detoxing. I think I'm looking forward to it...A weird concept. Can't wait for Tuesday; two weeks. That sounds so strange. Well, I'm off to breakfast, then????? Thanks as always to everyone who's helped be get here. I hope you have a great day.
Morning Kyle.....Day 12! I'm so glad to hear you're looking forward to your first sober Saturday...Enjoy every moment! I'm sleeping (finally) and heading out to hike in the cold sunshine.....Wishing you the best Saturday ever!
Thanks, and back at you. Have a good hike, look out for unplanned happiness, and I'll check in with you later. I am so glad to hear that you're feeling better. Thanks again, and again, for everything that you do.
So, my first Saturday without pills, or in the depths of detox, did not go as planned - such is life. The computer problem I had last weekend turned out to be serious; instead of having a day off, I spent another day in the office.
I didn't feel any anxiety or panic. I was just pissed because I was looking forward to spending the day out in the sun. I'm getting the machine fixed tomorrow, and plan to take Monday off instead. Bottom line, these are the everyday things that happen, ones that I would not or could not face without Norco. So, all in all, it was a good day. Off to have supper, then enjoy the evening. And, thanks again to all of you who helped make my approach to today possible.
Great job Kyle!! yes after we get off of these pills our brains get back their natural ability to go on autopilot and get us through all of these things we really don't want to do.That is a good day because it is good when we realize we can handle crappy days and problems without pills.
Thanks - it is lucky 13. Almost TWO WEEKS. I had to use caps because it looks so good in print. Anyway, I did get some sleep, and feel almost normal. Very little to no anxiety and no panic; I still miss my daughter but the over-blown emotional response to her returning to college has gone. Well, I'm heading to Starbucks for breakfast; treating myself. Enjoy your walk and I hope you're doing good. You deserve it. Thanks as always for everything.
Day 13 is coming to an end. On to day 14 - two weeks! I really can't believe it. Although I'm not feeling ok all the time, I am gaining ground. Staggered, but gaining. I actually have stuff to do this evening, so this will be my last post for a while. Having stuff to do, and being able to do it without meds is awesome. It's still a roller coaster, but I'm hitting more and more straight tracks. As always, thanks to everyone here who's helped. See you all tomorrow.
2 WEEKS!!! Definitely deserving of capital letters and then some...I hope you are doing well and feeling stronger and more yourself every day.....I just wanted to congratulate you and tell you how proud of you I am....Have a beautiful day 14!
I am glad I found this post. I have been taking 80 mg of oxy & 8-10 Norcos a day. I quit the oxys cold turkey 2 days ago. I originally planned to rapidly taper off the norcos. Yesterday I took 4, the day before 7, the day before 9. But I'm still experiencing hellish withdrawals. I took my last one this morning at 8. I'm about to be experiencing the full blown withdrawals...I'm not looking forward to it. Last night was pure hell & I took 4 norcos yesterday! Ugh. I never want to go thru this again. I admire your strength...I hope I can pull thru as easily as u.
I woke up at 8:30! Just logged in and saw your greeting. A great way to start day 14. Although sleep is not solid I do seem to be adjusting.
I send my best to you. You deserve a great day. Thanks for your help and support. Will check in later.
Take my word for it - it can be done. Mine was just the Norco 10 addiction, but I was popping them like sugar pills. As you've probably been reading on this site, you have a hard ride ahead of you, BUT it doesn't last that long. For me, the first three days were hell, then it got better a little at a time. At 14 days I'm not completely back, but dealing with things knowing that as each day passes I'll get closer. Remember - count the seconds, count the minutes, whatever it takes to get you through. We are all here to help.
Thank u! I just read thru ur whole transformation and it is scary, but it also gives me courage. I'm probably going to be talking to u a lot thru this bc it seems that I will be experiencing the same withdrawals as u since I took around 8-10 norcos a day. I'm so nervous. Last night was hell.
Since you read my LONG series of posts, then you know that by day 4 I was eating, moving around, even driving. So, the next couple of days will be a bad ride, but it can be done. Keep your mind occupied; you'll have moments when you think you can't do it; I kept thinking about counting the seconds, minutes, etc. Every time you move, time passes. You watch a TV show, or read a post on this site, time is passing. It was 30 minutes ago since your last post - 30 minutes is good. I'll be here all day, as will lots of folks on this site.
Day 15...Eating breakfast and realizing that I'm on week 3! What a concept. Still some good days, not so good days; good sleep and not so good sleep, but all in all, quite an improvement. I'm off to work; will be checking in. Thanks as always to all of you who helped make this possible.
End of day 15. Still can't believe I've started week 3. I've been reading and posting on the strings of people just beginning their journey; my heart goes out to all of them. I'm reading my own pain and panic in their posts, but know that since I made it, they can too. Anyway, good night to all, and many thanks, as always. Day 16 up next...
hey your doing great I know we beat this drum a lot but have you lined up aftercare yet///??? please dont try and skip over this step it is critical for long term recovery you off to a great start time to start recovery care......good luck and God bless congrats on 15 days.......Gnarly
I am so proud of you...Congratulations on hitting the 3 week mark...I knew you could do this. It will keep getting better and better....How are you feeling mentally/emotionally? You sound great....Have an awesome day....Lu
Day 16. I'm feeling better each day. As you know, still good days and better days. I'm adjusting quite well to not sleeping my life away as I did on the meds. I went to the gym yesterday, feeling tired, but did fine and felt great when I was done. The emotional part is making progress. I feel almost happy sometimes. Just finished breakfast, and am off to work. Having you check in every once in a while is very reassuring. Thanks again to you and everyone who've helped me make it this far. Will check in later.
Day 16 coming to an end. Great day at work, came home and finished another big dinner. Going to the gym tomorrow. I find it hard to believe that I'm feeling this good. I know that tomorrow may not be so good, but for now I'm happy. My days in hell seem like such a long time ago; they were a blessing. And so are all of you on this site who've helped me get here. Thanks again...See you on day 17.
Day 17...Didn't sleep well last night, don't know why, but physically able to cope. Going to the gym today; that usually makes me feel better. Looking forward to posting three weeks clean...4 more days. It will be here before I know it. Thanks to everyone.
Awesome job man! I know when I got to 21 days during my long term sobriety it seemed like I really turned a corner. The next few weeks flew by and I was at 60 days and realized I had not been thinking about pills everyday or even barely once a week for that matter.
Thanks for your words. I am looking forward to not thinking about meds. I had my first pill dream two nights ago...Strange, but I was told it is fairly normal. Anyway, thanks again. It's been a wild ride, but I'm feeling much better.
I've been thinking about you and am so happy to hear you're doing well...Just stay in the moment my friend...You will be amazed at how your life transforms...The exercise is key-and you sound really good. Keep going...Proud of you....Lu
As always, I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for your help. And I hope you are doing well. You support so many people on this site, you deserve all the happiness you share. I'll keep posting. Thanks.
Evening of day 17...As I posted earlier, I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, BUT, as is turns out, I did just fine today. Made myself go to work, then to the gym. My eyes stung a bit, but that was it. Got through an hour of a mid-level workout. I've finished dinner and will probably try for a walk later.
As I posted on kk's string, I think that once your system is free of meds, detox is over, and the physical self is healing, then dealing with a lack of sleep is something we adjust to. I was surprised at how good I felt today despite being pretty tired. Anyway, thanks as always to everyone for their support and wisdom. On to day 18, then the illusive three week goal. Oh yeah, I'm listening to The Pogues again - most of their stuff is very uplifting. Just a suggestion.
I am up bright and early (or dark and snowy and early, I should say) FIghting a virus and pushing through a busy week...
You have the right attitude about sleep...It took me a lot longer than 3 weeks to accept that I just wasn't going to sleep consistently-and I still find myself getting worked up but then just take a deep breath and let it go.....
You are doing awesome and I'm happy to see, helping others....You have such a positive attitude and compassion it does a great service here....Keep posting and have a wonderful day 18....Lu
You are up early. And as always, thank you for your ongoing support and positive comments.
Day 18 - Hard to believe. Anyway, this morning has been great. I feel really good. As I've been posting, I'm adjusting to the sleep thing; no more anxiety before going to bed. I've just accepted the fact that some nights will be better than others. And I feel that it is my obligation to this site to put my two cents in wherever I feel like I can add something. I read the posts of individuals just starting out and I just want to reach through the computer and assure them that they can do it. I've got so much help and support here that it is the least I can do. Anyway, I hope you have a great day. I'll be back.
That is exactly what I was doing the first few days after the detox/withdrawal subsided. But, I started listening to Lulu and the others on this site about letting go, not worrying about it, and so that's what I started focusing on. I found that not dreading going to bed is the first step to sleeping better, and accepting lack of sleep as part of the healing process is the second. Thanks for your post. Hope all is well with you.
i found that when i had a lot of tension or anxiety at night when i was trying to go to bed, i would go play videos on youtube or read stuff here on the forums to get my mind off of whatever it was.
for so long on the pills, the pills assisted me in not facing the things that were going on around me each and everyday. once i got off the pills, i was forced to face those things. thank god, because i had a lot of things that needed to be taken care of, haha!
Your third sober weekend! Wanted to wish you a good one....I hope sleep is returning to you and the world is a brighter and more hopeful place...You are really at the point when things transform and getting towards that 30 day mark, life will look completely different. I'm proud of how far you've come. Off to walk dogs and then teach yoga.....Have an awesome day....Lu
Good morning to you...Day 19. Sleep is getting a bit better. I'm eating breakfast and then heading over to try and fix my Aunt's car. She's an early riser; wanted me at her house at 9! When I was on the meds, that would have been impossible. I used to sleep til at least 11 on the weekends, mostly because I stayed up until all hours on the drugs, but also because the longer I slept, the less awake time until I could take my pills again. I wasted so many beautiful California days. Won't happen again. I hope you and everyone on this site have a great, or at least a good day. I plan to goof off after the Aunt visit. Happy Saturday. And thanks so much for all you do.
Well, day 19 is coming to an end. All in all it was pretty good. I love the weekend, but without pills it seems to drag on. When I was using I would sleep til 11 a.m., get through a few hours, and then take the meds around 3 or 4. I got a lot done today. And am a day closer to the three week mark. For some reason reaching 21 days is a goal that is very important to me. Granted, a month, six months, a year...All important, but personally 21 days is what I've been focusing on from, well, day 1. To anyone just starting their journey, you can do it. I did, you can. Read the posts on this site; you'll discover stories that go from heartbreak to happiness. It doesn't matter if you're tapering or going cold turkey; just get started, and keep coming back. As always, thank you to everyone who's helped me along the way.
Day 20 - and I'm off to treat myself to a donut for breakfast! I've been eating healthy, taking my vitamins, etc., but I woke up this morning and decided a donut is in my future.
Slept ok, same ol same ol. A little tired, eyes a little stingy, but I'm planning on having a great day. And with a donut for breakfast, well how could it not be a great day? Thanks again to everyone who's helped me get to today.
this is your LuLu morning check in(:
21 days is a great milestone and you are doing awesome. Our lives got pretty small while on pills so now it feels like there is just SO much. I have found personally that a good routine (even on non-work days...don't have many of those(:) is key. Also taking 'me' time...Just to be with myself and process emotion, being kind and gentle and generally just taking good care. Patience and understanding. Also-connecting with others as much as possible. I was so disconnected on the pills I had no idea. My relationships are so much more precious to me now.
Awesome job on 20 days! We'll have to have a little cyber party for your big milestone tomorrow LOL...
Lulu and Vicki:
Thanks so much. You two have been there since the beginning, something that I'll never forget. And I think tomorrow I will start another thread - 21 Days! (or something just as original). I personally like to re read this one from the beginning every now and then (did that this morning). It helps keep me focused on "off" days and thankful for everything that has happened. Anyway, thanks so much; I'll never be able to express how much your support means. I hope you both have a wonderful day.
Don't worry - I ate a donut for you, and for at least three other people. Yeah, it's starting to rain here, but I have enough sugar in me at the moment that I probably won't notice for a while. Thanks again for being there. Try to enjoy your day.
I haven't eaten a donut in years. Just popped in to my head. They were good, but I actually like my eggs and toast better. Anyway, will post later, and the big, new improved post tomorrow morning.
Two days in off norcs and its crazy, I never thought I'd find my self kicking another habbit after alcohol. Its tough it is im hanging in there with the help of my beloved she's a trooper she is, and finding this sight today I find it very helping reading others stories about there going through the same thing as me its very similar its scary lol. I have been using steady for almost 2 years n never thought I had a problem till I ran out lol. Till I find my self spending way to much money on These pills that thought was making me feel like a million bucks. I have a great life and only gets better I have a great family that I want to do good by. At the same time im really wanting to say screw it and get some to.get the edge off but I keep thinking to myself I should b half over with the worst of the w/d. I know that it only gets easier so just keep trucking!
I don't know how you found this thread but boy, the memories came flooding back.
Anyway, if you have access to meds the odds are that you'll relapse, so cut all sources NOW. Start your own thread so we can help.
I was a big time lurker on here in December and January, and remember this. I did not pull the trigger until April and messed up in June. But I am now on a great track, and hope to get to where you are! Congrats, and keep on with your fantastic ability to cut to the quick of it and get people right. I know it helped me.