Not much of a question more of a rant PLEASE REPLY!!!!!!

[SbeccaRue83]

I am an alcoholic but I like this forum hope you guys don't mind! I haven't had a drink since June 3rd when I entered rehab. I have done some horrible things in my addiction; stole, borrowed, begged, traded, lied, had sex for money or booze, cheated, and badly hurt the people I honestly love! I am now trying to rebuild my relationships. I am 28 years old a mom of a VERY smart amazing 7 year old son named Nicholas, living with my parents my dad sort of understands addiction and is slightly understanding but my mom doesn't have any idea about addiction and is so understandably angry and making my life hell to be honest, she ******* until my dad can't take it anymore and then he freaked out on me also. EVERYTHING that goes wrong in this house is my fault EVERYTHING usually a day or two later I get a 1/2 *** apology (because I didn't do it, I am trying my hardest to do right and gain back some trust I hit my rock bottom HARD and don't want to go back) if that, but I am to the point that I want nothing more then to get a bottle and get drunker then hell, they don't realize that that is what they are doing to me making me want to drink, jump into to a giant swimming pool of booze and just drink DRINK DRINK, Yes, drinking hurt and made me sick and has made me hurt most of the people I love but at least when I was drinking I blacked out and forgot for a while...I just don't know what to do anymore, I have tried to get my mom to visit ala-non websites or meetings and "your the one with the problem not me i am not going to any meetings or wasting my time on this crap anymore!" I drank because of the horrible amount of pain I am in everyday and yes for emotional problems also, like I said I am a 28 year old single mom living at home with my parents my fiancee is in prison been gone for 2 years and got sentenced to 17 I miss him he's my best friend besides my fiancee and son's father I am fighting for my disability and so I am not working at this time, my sezuires caused me to lose my driver's license so I quit college for the time being, I hardly ever get out of the house, yes I have finally found a couple doctor's who are helping manage my chronic pain, but there isn't much they do about the fact that right now i am at the point that my biggest wish is NOT waking up, I just want to go to sleep dream a good dream and NOT wake up, I am to much of a wuss to ever do anything to myself but if god granted my biggest wish right now I wouldn't wake up, yeah it might hurt a few hearts for a while but they would heal and be better off in the end, Nic might get a step mom who is a better person then I am, my fiancee's family would be estacic they could get a daughter in law they love and care about, my parents would be a lot happier they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore I am not sure what the point of this was, it's not really a question just thought it might help to get all this off my chest Thanks for reading!!! If anyone has any feedback it would be appreciated! Any one who has been in a simialir situation i would love to hear about it! I used to love drawing, painting, writing poetry, being artist I haven't done anything in so long I miss it so much, I've wrote a few poems since being sober....I HONESTLY just want to be HAPPY I don't want to be rich or famous just a simple life being sober and happy!!!

[Nighthawk61]

I'm not going to read the other poster's comments,as your posts suggest, so We'll send a touch of inspiration, my house is full of ghosts, and beings,
Just wanted to give you my touch of inspiration, too bad you can't school your mom, it sounds like her influence may have some to do with the addiction itself, like mine, and that's a damned fact in many cases, thus, the family part of the disease. I can't talk about it enough, sometimes.
Listen girl, you are doing GREAT!! WONDERFULLY WELL!!!! you got to kiss a few frogs, onward and upward, as my illustrious lawyer used to say.
you're tickin' off all the boxes about how your life is going to be, while living it, and that's the ticket to all of this. It's sometimes a biatch to live it. You're getting a great grade cuz you're clean and sober, and all of us addicts (not) commend you on that. Now for tackling the career education daycare part of your life. Are you working? At least can your mother babysit for you part and full time? Liz

[innocencelost]

My heart goes out to you. Have you tried looking for resources outside of your town? There are 800 phone numbers you can call for A.A. or other issues including depression. Point is you should not/need not be alone in handling all of this by yourself. You need to take some action now, you already know where the other path leads. Forget that this is a site that focuses on mainly opiate abuse, it is for substance abuse and alcohol is a substance. Keep posting and reaching out. Please feel free to personal message me anytime you need to talk. You can and will find a way out of the misery you are in.

[weaver71]

I would look into addiction counseling, like nursegirl said. Stopping drinking or using drugs is the first step in a whole life change. Building coping skills, getting an objective view of your situation, and really digging into the why of your drinking, that's what recovery is to me. Staying clean is a lot more than not using or drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic, drug addict and I know exactly how much of your life is effected. You can get control of this, but I believe most people need help. Where you going to AA and/or doing any other aftercare last time? Did you work the steps and continue to follow the advice of those who have been through it? It seems like I am actively working on recovery or actively working to get loaded. This is a problem with no happy medium. It's all or nothing, though I'm open to being wrong. You can feel peace, maybe not happy all the time, but you can be okay with the good times and bad times. Glad you found us, alcohol is definitely a drug, a close runner up to opiates. Having it in every gas station and bars across the land makes alcohol so accessible. So, who's on your team, what kind of support did you have and what can you do different this time? Remember, there is no problem so big that alcohol can't make it worse.

[SbeccaRue83]

I wish I could say I was still sober! Didn't last very long, my doctor decided he didn't want to come to my tiny town (honestly TINY 2,354 people 33 blocks from one end of town to the other) anymore and dropped all his patients, the physical pain, and the mental pain lead me back to the bottle, I'm sitting here right now hung over from drinking a fifth of cheap vodka last night, went to a "friends" house and then got kicked out cause he's a crack head and didn't want me around when he smoked crack and sat down at the river front (i live on the mississippi river) waiting on him to call he never did, I was so drunk i sat at the river front trying to find a ride home, i am such a loser, more depressed then i've ever been, even worse then when i wrote the above post in 2012, i really need to stay on websites like this and get encourage, my husband (not married yet) comes home in March of 2014, I wish I could be sober when he comes home, I honestly love him but i dont want him to have to deal with me, I have a new doctor i am going to see the 14th of next month and i prey that if i get something for depression and something for my phsyical pain i can stop the drinking i hate drinking i feel like ****, with all my health issues it just makes them worse. but the couple hours of not thinking about it, seems worth it at the time.

[nursegirl6572]

Wow, you've been through a lot, and look how far you've come!  KUDOS to you!

I TOTALLY agree that you need to speak with your doctor, you are exhibiting some signs of depression, and possibly anxiety.  That needs dealt with.  Please reach out for help.  I think therapy would be HUGELY beneficial for you...to vent, sort through all the emotions you're left with after the rubble settles in an addiiction.

I know your financial resources are limited, but I would strongly urge you to change your living situation.  You need to find a healthier environment to surround yourself AND your son.  Being in an environment like that is triggering your desire to drink, and that's not good.

If you have to, look into government funded housing, just start looking at your options.  I think you would feel a whole lot better if you weren't surrounded by that chaos every day, and the lack of support.  

Your self esteem, is already in the pot, your Mom isn't helping too much with that.  Every loved one handles addiction differently.  She's taking the "hands off"..."I'm done" approach, which might be what SHE needs, but it doesn't help you.  In life, when things are not optimal (especially for our children), it is OUR job to make the necessary changes to improve our situation.  You're definitely in that boat.

Congrats on your clean time!  Celebrate that!  And please, get some help for how you're feeling.  If you EVER feel you may harm yourself, get help immediately.  Your son needs you.

Very best to you.

[Life360_Dave]

I felt similar to you but not over drinks or drugs but when i was diagnosed with Cancer. I had 45 spinning trips on a radiation machine and my body is kinda of screwed up. When the doctor called me an broke the news i wanted to jump off a bridge and just get it over with. I then realized that Death is not the answer to my delimma but Life was. You have a road that youve travelled and still are on but all roads end. You have a disease as do i but in your case there is real hope as there are cures for sure. In my case there is only watch and wait. You are a very creative person and should get back to your writings. If you think you have written something that people can relate to then follow up  with it. You can post your writing and sell them on ebooks. Very inexpensive as is all on a web site and people buy it by downloading and you get paid in the same time.
I once heard a whisper from the other side saying "i would give up this whole eternity of death for one day of life".

Keep posting
dave

[Pat1956100]

I really think you need to tell your doctor how you feel.  You sound extremely depressed and I know so well the feeling of not wanting to wake up and thinking everyone would be better off without you but it's not true.
Nobody can replace a mother.  Your son would be traumatized to lose you because a mother's love with her son is unconditional.
You are so young and have so much life to live.  Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished.  You really need support and to be around people who aren't putting you down all of the time.  You need people that understand the DISEASE of addiction.  It wasn't your choice and you have recognized your problem at a very young age and are trying to do something about it.
Try and join anything that will get you out of the house.  You enjoy painting, maybe enroll in one class just to get out and have something positive in your life.  
Love and enjoy every minute with your son and don't let your parents take over.  Take him out on your own so he knows your his mommy.  They really do grow up fast.
My heart goes out to you.  I really hope your talk to your doctor about your feelings because you are worth it and don't deserve to be feeling like this.
Please keep posting and tell us how you are doing because we care.
Big hugs
Pat

[otoh]

hey ... I am an alcoholic. sober 12yrs. than got into pain pills,and am 8 days clean from suboxone. your doing exactly what you need to do right now , by venting and getting support from this community. believe me this is a lifeline just keep posting. If your seeing a dr. I can tell you that I had no cravings to drink at all while on suboxone. and I have heard many others say the same thing...I believe it was the naltrexone in the suboxone, but I'm not sure. maybe someone on here knows. read the posts. stay on all day if nessasary, and research ,research ,research.... I do know that the drs. perscribe way to many mgs. of suboxone to people. look at the suboxone facts at the bottom of the page. I know the hell alcohol can cause in your life ,and I believe in harm reduction.just a thought....

[Katya5555]

It's good to get that frustration and anger and sadness out. Glad you posted. Some days are worse than others, but some are better than others too. Please hang in, you"ll find lots of support here. Keep posting.  

[072410]

I havent been in tht exact situation but im going thru somewhat similiar. I got hooked on heroin and im a mother of two beautiful children and i have a wonderful husband who is by my side every step of this process. I have been clean for almost two months and there are days when it is soooo hard not to use but i dont and i keep pushing myself to go on. My mother doesnt understand addiction one bit she thinks its as easy as just dont do it. All i can say about your mother is try and give her time and mayb she will come around. Mayb try and print some information out from some of the websites and place it on the table maby she will read it. U seem like a WONDERFUL person and NOONE would b better if u were gone! Your son needs his mother. My suggestion is mayb try and start doing the things you loved to do like painting and writing again. Tht might help you.  Also something tht helped me when i was wanting to you is keepi.g a journal and writing EVERYTHING down. It helps alot. Do you habe a psychiatrist?  Im not saying you need one but mayb you can go talk to him or her about how you are feeling and tht will also help some. Just always remember you are a very sepcial person to everyone around you and eventho they are mad as hell right now they will come around and things will get better. Remember u hit ur rock bottom and it can only go up from there!!! Im sure you working soooo hard at being sober and i have to congratulate u for tht!!!! GOOD JOB! keep it up. Ur mom will come around with time. She just really hurt and has to deal with tht in her own way and yes i kno tht the way she is dealing right now is hurting u so much but i promise u it wont b like tht forever!!!! I hope i was able to help some and remember there are ppl here for u to talk to. !!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!