OHHH where to begin.....

[Dane74]

Ok guys, i am going to be straight up honest with you and let you know i am slipping through the cracks.  I just do not know how to handle life sober, i don't know how you can possibly go through all the BS in therapy getting to the root of all the problems with nothing!!!!  I just do not have the coping skills i guess.  To make a long story short i am getting to the root of why i abused/numbed my life aside from all the physical pain, and honestly all i want to do is numb me back up.  I don't like the sober Dana, its painful,  it hurts and i don't want to feel all the pain.  After several painful therapy sessions, i have been a mess ever since, no i did not use pills, i cut off all my access, but i found something else, alcohol.  I know, its wrong, i know i have control now, i know it can catch up to me fast, but i just do not know what to do.  Anyhoo, i went to my primary care doc, who by the way i told all about my addiction and when i returned back from rehab i told him i just completed the 30 days and to red flag my chart.  So i go to him tuesday and let him know that i am going through a really difficult time and that i am under the guidance of a therapist working on all my problems and anxiety issues, he gives me an exam, my BP is elevated and i am practically having an anxiety attack in the office, hence i walk out with a RX of Ativan.  The anxiety was killing my insides, and yes the Ativan helps a ton, and now i cant be honest with my therapist because she will be 100 percent against it as i am sure most of you will be too.  Seriously, how are you suppose to go on healing when your entire life was on meds and now all the crap is being brought to a surface?  I cant sleep, the dreams are so vivid, I'm talking in my sleep as hubby made me very well aware of, uggg, i am just falling apart.  I know that i need to learn coping skills and thats one of the many reasons I'm in therapy, and next week i need to come forward with the therapist and tell her the truth, doing that i risk losing her as a therapist and that scares me as well as i do not want to start all over, but i am not going to gain anything in session when i cant be truthful.  Thanks for listening.....Does this (addiction) ever end?  I am not seeing the light here and its been almost 6 months.

[Dane74]

Hello guys, well i just got back from the therapist and came clean i told her about the drinking and the Ativan, and my fear of her dropping me.  It went very well, she convinced me that she would never do that to me but also reminded me that addiction is not her area of speciality.  She does want me to see a psychiatrist so the AD and benzo meds can be monitored.  I have agreed to do this and she will continue to see me, and made me feel that she would never just drop me.  AHHH what a sense of relief.  I am making progress on all this and hopefully soon i can gain so closure and empowerment.  I am trying to be hopeful.....

[vicki595]

I'm proud of you Babygirl!   Don't stress about tomorrow! You're a tough Jersey girl!!  Just tell her where it's at...it will be fine!

I've made a lovely dinner as well...every now and then I surprise them with a meal!!  LOL. (don't want to spoil 'Em)

[Dane74]

I wish i could tell you yes, but that is a big fat lie.  I actually decided to not sit around and wallow so i kept busy in the kitchen making a lovey super and baked some cookies and now i hurt like he!!.  But i parked my butt on the couch with my stem machine, stayed away from the wine and just now relaxing.  Im really nervous facing the therapist, but i am going to do it.  I will get past this slump that i fell in.  Thank you Mama!!! XO

[vicki595]

How are you feeling today?  BETTER? I hope...

[Dane74]

WOW!!! what a powerful post, hit home for me:)  Thanks for pumping me up, i am going to be proactive, thank you so much:-)

[Dane74]

Thank you!  I just love and 100% agree with what the "good man" told you!  For me i just now came to the conclusion that my past is just that,  the past and i want it left there.  As for the alcohol, it ends tomorrow.  Thanks for reaching out

[addict3]

I don't know if it is necessary to re-live the past or not. A good man told me one time "don't look back, something might get you".  For me that is good advice, there are things in my past that need to stay there but, that's me. You have to decide what is good for you.

I can assure you that the alcohol will do nothing good at all for your situation.
I will pray for you also. We are all different, I hope you find what you need to get through this. Congratulations on your clean time and good luck.

[nursegirl6572]

You sound like a very insightful person, and as confused and scared as you may feel, I think you have a LOT more figured out than you think.

Kudos to you for calling the therapist and trying to move your appt up.  You're being proactive, taking charge.  I've been through enough therapy in my life to tell you 100% honesty is always the way to go.  TELL your therapist what you need from her....and what is and isn't working.  If she's a good therapist, your input will be like gold and she'll make any necessary changes so that you get out of it what you should.  

Very best to you.

[Dane74]

hi sweet Debbie, forgiveness as they say is something we have to do for ourselves in order to heal, i just cant do that.  The bitterness will never go away especially now that i am a mom, i could never understand that.  I will bury it and leave it there, or i should say thats my goal:)

[Dane74]

THank you all so very much for all your support and honesty.  It does make me feel a bit better that i am not the only one who is going or went through what i am currently going through.  I am going to try my hardest to make this right and try to find happiness and closure.  Tomorrow is a new day, and i am going to start fresh.  I already put a call out to the therapist to see if i can come in on monday instead of tuesday, and if not no biggie, i will have a nice long chat with the therapist to talk to her about my trust issues and maybe she is not the right one for me, just thinking about starting over with a stranger is going to suck, but if thats what it takes then thats what i will do.  

Lesa, thank you for sharing your story with me, i so can relate.  I was doing just fine until therapy just started to get hard, the idea of re living the past is way to overwhelming, i need to take baby steps and learn coping skills first.

Solost, thank you so much, i know the drinking was wrong and hence i came here to report in knowing all to well that i will get an ear full.  I just didn't know how to handle it all sober:(  i thought therapy was suppose to help and that you should leave the office feeling strong and good, for me it made me feel depressed, raged, and an overall intense feeling that would not go away. i recognized what i have been doing and know it can lead to danger so i am going to try to put a stop to it.  

Again thank you all very much for the support and understanding

[atthebeach]

Darn new phone has mind of its own. Let go of the unforgiveness and bitterness. There is healing of your mind, emotions, soul, spirit and  body.

[atthebeach]

Hun, I don't see the need to relive the past. You know the hurts that caused you to abuse your meds. I  believe that you just need to move forward. We only have today. You can't forget what happened but try to forgive your mom. You will find the healing you need if you can let go of the I forgiveness a d the bitterness. There is healing Dana, there is restoration of yourond, soul, body and spirit. It saddens me to hear the pain and the suffering that you are still experiencing. You have done remarkable getting and staying clean despite the physical and emotional pain you are in.
Dana I hope and pray you can bury the past. Symbolically bury all your pain in a box and leave it there. Forgive and move forward.
Much love and prayers
Debbie

[solost170]

I could not agree more, drinking is a danger zone being an addict it is so hard you want to feel the high and there is a part of our brain that does not want you to forget how that feels and it is so hard I understand and my heart goes out to you. I also understand how hard it is to face things sober things you have buried deep inside of you and numbed it. I have done this myself and now I'm like you I have to face the things that I have ran away from for years. you seem to be a very strong person I prob would have thrown in the towel myself but I'm so very proud that you have stayed strong even when you feel like you are breaking. I really think you need to find a therapist who understands you and you feel comfortable with, I have found in my own exp talking to ppl who have been there has helped me. we are all here for you even if we dont have all the answers there is love and support for you. your new friend solost

[dominosarah]

And i stand by what i said....drinking isnt solving anything, it is only adding fuel to the fire.

[vicki595]

Ive read your words again and thinking about others responses, too....It hits me that your work in therapy is to undo what has been done to YOU that has had this negative affect. For many of us, or just for me, therapy helped undo the things I did and the hurt I caused that I couldn't forgive on my own....You didnt do anything Dana...you've always been a good little girl...you took your medicine and it made you feel good. That's not wrong. It makes everyone feel good.

I stand by what I've said before.  You just don't need to go THERE to get better and to feel good in your own skin. You just don't need the bulls h i t. For you, going forward is what will work and I believe that to the depth of my ability to think!

You've become one of my most dear friends and so I worry about you...Do tell the therapist everything in your head, that's what's best for now...xoxo ♥

[candy_17]

Are you also attending na meetings? If not you should. It's a wonderful support group that will encourage you and assure you that you're not alone. It is very frustrating not being able to get a good nights sleep but in all honesty if that's the worse thing then its not near as bad as being in active addiction. Remember your worse day in recovery is always better than your best day in addiction. Praying for you, stay strong and try to forgive the things of your past and live for today, enjoy your life.

[kyle505]

Although I can't comment on the struggle you're facing discovering and coping with what drives you to addiction, I can comment about booze. I'm an alcoholic; I've been "sober" for twenty-seven years. However, twelve years in I found pain pills, and off I went.
Drinking is as bad as meds; alcohol is a drug, even though our society uses phrases like "drugs and alcohol". So please don't replace one with another.
My heart goes out to you; I wish you only success. And I have to add that life without using can be wonderful. Yeah, we have good days and bad days, but we're able to learn how to handle each one appropriately. All the best.

[10356]

Hi Dane.. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time.. i was drinking and taking meds when i started to see my phyc.. it was after my od i had not stopped as they could not stop for me. at first we just sat there not saying much it took me awhile to open up and once i did it was difficult. i had quit drinking while seeing him as i found i cared for myself. i would go home in the early days and drink and it mad me depressed.. more depressed then i already felt and it was pretty low.. i had a lot to answer up for, for myself before i even explored my past.. we went at my pace not his, i was able to be honest with him about my drinking and drug use This is very Important in a therapist for a addict. if you have one that is rigid with you as a addict It will not work out well... i healed thru my therapy i quit drinking i found this forum and for the first time in my life i quit drugs Not for running out but for my Health my Happiness.. the dreams you speak of That was hard !! I also had those my phyc was able to tell me the meaning of them It was shocking to me i was dreaming my past He recommended i get a dream book so i did and i highlighted the meanings. you can read my healing almost thru that book.. you are in the middle of the battle and it is hard to see outside of it.. once i started dreaming it was not long after things started falling into place for me.. understanding perspective.. I can not say for you to continue for only you know exactly where you are what you can handle i just wanted to share for i never want to give you the idea it is easy, it is not.. but once it is over it becomes very easy to look back.. i send warm hugs i wish i had a magic word that would make this path clear for you but i will send a prayer.. lesa

[Dane74]

WOW, vicki, you have manage to really hit home with me, and an actual tear drop came down my face.  i am confused, frustrated and scared all at the same time. Im mad, sad, and just feeling sorry for myself.  I know i have to just get over it, and do something different, as what i am doing is not working.  I will come clean to the therapist and let her know my thoughts on all of this, if i cant be 100% honest with her then it defeats the purpose, as i am already feeling defeated.  My mind will not rest, i cant sleep, i cant function, the anxiety and pit in my stomach is just paralyzing.  Your so right i am "complicated"  and it s u ck s.   Im trying here, and i am fighting, but when you just keep hitting a brick wall it gets old after awhile.  

Imdone, thanks girl, i talk with ya later

[ImDONENoMore]

I feel the same way honey.  This has been such a difficult time for you and I honestly don't know what is the right thing for you.  I do think the therapy is important, but as vicki said, I think a therapist who specializes in addiction might be better equipped and a more suitable choice for you.

I don't know the answer either - but I do know you need to take a bit of a break here on all of this dredging up the past stuff and find something you love, something you enjoy, and spend some time doing just that.  I don't think we have to spend all of our time analzying every single thing in our lives.  It can be debilitating and make just getting out of bed in the morning near impossible.  Sometimes a little ignorance CAN be bliss.  (in moderation of course!)

[dominosarah]

Do you honestly think you have control over your drinking?

I know this part is difficult dane, i really do but you are back to some of the same comments that kept you in active addiction.  The word cant shouldnt even be in your vocabulary.  

[Bkitty]

I see so much of me and my feelings in this post. I am coming up on a year of sobriety and when initially things got  a lot better,,I find that all the problems and issues that kept me sick are still there. Sigh.......
Im looking around in my head and am like "Ok what just happened?!" I do believe that we relapse long before we actually pick up our DOC or other mind altering drugs. And its clear that this is what happened to me and now you. It just seems sometimes like it would be so much easier to go back to the way I was,,numb. BUt the thing is that we cant do that. We are addicts and we are going to have to fight this battle for the rest of our life. Its.never.going.away.! Its taken me weeks to realize that this is me and who I am now. I think I have finally accepted this. I have accepted that I am a really f-cked up mental hot emotional mess! I had bad things happen to me also. Bad things happen to me and Ive done bad things too. But I am still worthy of sobriety and worthy of having a decent good life. I deserve that. You do too. I was told that I needed to go to NA meetings everyday for 90 days and then do it again. My mouth hit the floor! Are you kidding me? Who has time to f-ing do that?! Well I have been and some days I pull in the parking lot kicking and screaming and crying and rolling my eyes and cursing up a storm. But for some reason,,its working. Im not saying by all means that you are not doing it right,,its just sometimes it really really ***** having to work at sobriety every day. It gets old and frankly,,its exhausting and draining,,mentally, physically,,emotionally.  So I have to make a list. Some days I have to start over my list. A gratitude list. What am I thankful/grateful for. The top of my list is life. I am alive and I survived addiction because I got help. You have survived too.You can do this Dane. I know that you can. Im sorry you are feeling this way. This is hard,,so hard sometimes. Some days I ask what the heck are the positives in all this?! Then I get out my list and my book and I realize there are soo many things...You just have to find them. Things done come easy for people like us. I wish it did. We have to look for it. Be careful with the alcohol and lorazepam. You know that already. I <3 ya girl!! ((((hugs))))~Bkitty

[Dane74]

By all means i didn't mean  NOT seeking therapy, i meant not tackling all the underlining issues and focus on coping skills.  I do believe therapy or any form of aftercare is essential, to any ones recovery.  I think that everyone is different and it takes time to be able to get to the root of the cause, and instead of tackling that head on in the early stages of recovery, i think its imperative to tackle coping skills first then address the underling problems like "baby steps".  What do i know thats why i am here.....