OPEN FORUM........... dealing with death..........again

[OxyDout]

I'm hoping I can get some support on this today. Anyone who has talked to me in the past knows I didn't deal well when losing a best friend on 9/11, it triggered a HUGE relapse.  Well, I spent all of last night in the Intensive care unit, watching my grandfather slipping away, hes still there, but will not make it within the next 24 hours, I have been very close with him and don't know how to deal with another loss.  Any advice? I have been clean for a little while now, probably a few weeks, and that means I have NOT USED AT ALL, I MEAN NOTHING, NO OPIATES OR ANY OTHER DRUG, I have felt incredible but I fear what will happen...... any info would be great, thanks.

gwh

[hippy]

gwh , i have seen to many people close to me die in the last few years, there is no advice i can think of.
when i was little child and life did not go my way i would jump up and down , and cry.
when i got older and life did not go my way i used because
the pain seemed to be to much.
one thing i have come to beleive it is never as bad as i think it will be. that includes , life, withdrawls,pain.
death and divorce are the two most difficult to deal with,
i stoped going to frunrels,it just got to be to  pain full.
so i just don't go. unless it is to support my wife.

[athena]

Im sorry about your grandfather.It's so hard to lose a loved one.You can't give in to the pills though.you would just have to start over.Even if they help the emotional pain,it will only be temporary and you will still have to deal with your loss eventually.I do believe in prayer and will keep you in them.

pixi

[Witchywoman]

I'm so sorry that your grandfather is slipping away, and I can tell from your post that it is hurting you, a great deal.

I encourage you to feel the feelings though. No matter how much they hurt. The grief will be there, waiting to be felt whether you delay it by using, or feel it now. It is better to feel it now. That brings more honor to your grandfather's life.

my best to you..take care,
love,
WW

[Sundown]

I've been reading this forum for about a month, but this is the first time I have posted. GWH, I too have suffered many losses. I tried to cope with them by escape, making myself numb with drugs. What I've learned is that masking the normal grief prevents you from ever healing. Taking on the grief and pain of loss as a normal emotion of life is the only way to eventually come to terms with your losses and heal. I am now 25 days off my poison, hydro. I found the ability to break my addiction in the stories and strength I've seen demonstrated here by so many wondeful people.
GWH, draw on the strength of those who care about you, and rely on your love of life to see you through this terribly difficult time. I wish you peace and comfort in this painful time, but don't avoid the pain, you need it to truly heal and move forward.

[percsnomas]

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandfather!!
This year has been horrific for me as well(as we've talked about); losing my Mother, one of my best friends-murdered,my last grandparent(dad's mom), very close family friend-killed in head on collision, and my grief counseller.
I don't think I even really comprehend all the loss, but i will tell you, I've had to put my addiction above everything else.
After trying to medicate my "pain" away after losing my mom, it only got worse. The harder i tried to numb the worst, most indescibeable emptiness...pills just made it worse, exponetially.
It sounds trivial, but you really have to focus on what you have(i think you've told me u have a loving girlfriend of 3 yrs?; etc), and not on what you don't. My lifeline was/is my 2 lit'l ones and my amazing wife....Every time i start to "drift" i just pour my energy and thoughts to them.

It's incredibly difficult, but us humans were made surprisingly resilient.
Take Care of YOURSELF

[PING]

gwh. i have never posted to you directly, don't know what to say to you, at a very early age in my life, i would not go to a funeral home without being boozed up, but i got over that, how i don't know. like one one of the other post's, i do beleive in prayer, i am now tapering off of oxy's, i can assure you i will be remembering you in prayer today.
                                      lee.

[OxyDout]

Thank you all, thats exactly what I needed to hear, I never want to go back to using and I feel like I really won't this time.  Being sober is the best feeling I have had, being able to do ANYTHING without thinking about drugs, I never have to take something once a day to keep me going, I just get up and go, I would hate to have to to depend on anything which a lot of us have to do, I'm so much happier completely sober.  Thank you all so much, REALLY, you got me by my first craving in a while.  You really saved me, thanks guys.  Talk to you soon.

gwh

[CATUF]

All add one thought to the many allready posted:  What would your Grandfather want for you and what he want you to take from his life and the relationship he had with you?  Of course I don't know him, but based on what you've said I can only assume that he shares the feelings of love and respect you have for him.  I would think then that he would want you to draw on your relationship with him, the lessons of his life, and his character, as a source of strength for your life.  Drawing on these things, you may be able to avoid any temptation as an act of honoring your Grandfather and all that he wants for your life.

Hang in there.

CATUF

[beenthere2]

Do you need an excuse to take pills?  'Cause if you do, then by all means take them.  But my suspicion is, if your anything like me and a lot of people here, you don't need a reason.  You take them because they're there.  Or you can get them.  Or cause you want them.  

I don't mean to sound harsh, but my point is that if your an addict, EVERY day is hard.  Doesnt matter what happens during that day.  Its terrific that your loving life right now, that's the way it should be.  Just look at these 2 group of words:

Terrific, loving, life

grandfather dying, depressed, pills

Now which one is more attractive?

[Starraven]

Hi, I have read all your posts in the past, but never responded directly. BUT, I just want you to know that you are very much in my thoughts.  
I lost my mom at age 42 to cirosis of the liver, one day she was fine, the next day she was gone and even with all her addiction problems, I still loved her with all my heart.  The most difficult time in my life.  ( I was an only child and in my twenties (21)) I had no family to support me other than my husband. (My family all live in Germany) My father was dealing with his grief his own way and found it very difficult to deal with his daughters grief on top of his own.  Unfortunately my escape was cocaine and drinking/valium that my doctor prescribed me and staying out all hours of the night. I ended up in the emergency room to have my stomach pumped after taking an entire bottle of valium because I wanted to be with her so bad.  (I didn't have children at this point thank goodness)  I lost an entire year,  I remember very little of that time and I didn't allow myself to grieve properly.  It was very very destructive and I doubt my husband and I would have celebrated our 20th anniversary last night if I hadn't quit..(yes, Halloween night)
I still feel tremendous guilt for what I put my husband through because I turned to the drugs instead of facing death, which is a part of life.  It hurts like hell and I know all too well I wanted to numb that pain.  I know you will be strong.  I was very weak.  
Thinking about you and your family
Hugs
Suze

[livingdeadgirl]

I am so sorry to hearof your Grandfather's impending death.  One thing to think of would that if you begin using again, loved ones could be attending your funeral.  Harsh reality, I know, but we all know that our livers can only take so much abuse.  Please do your best to deal with the grief, and not mask it with the drugs.  It is better to grieve then it is to try and bury it.  I hope I wasn't too harsh, hang in there and KEEP posting to us!

[mickyc]

g

[OxyDout]

thank you all so much, my grandfather is still hanging on, but the Dr. said hes too fragile to operate on and its not worth putting much more effort in...... When I was there on Friday, I held his hand while they read him his last rights.  As I left he grabbed my hand and said (in Italian) " hey, if I'm not here when you get back, don't get too upset".  god it was awful but understandable.  Anyway, I didn't use anything, not a single thing, I'm just so glad I don't have to be on Maintenance with anything, methadone, bup, etc... just not worth it.  I also went to the gym 15 days straight. Its been great, thank you all so much for helping me.

gwh

[athena]

Glad your hanging in there.Staying busy is the key to keeping your mind off using.your very fortunate to have such a loving relationship with your grandfather.Grandparents are so special.
I am keeping you and your grandfather in my prayers.

pixi

[skipper]

gwh:
hey, so sorry to hear about your grandfather... i'm sort of doing the "long goodbye" with my father. i've dicovered that i handle my visits  with him far better straight, than when i am stoned legit. or otherwise. i take  a high dose of oxy-c for pain, so i'm not doing the running and the gunning i used to. my drug use is all above the table and legal now. recently i made the discovery that i can handle the emotional pain mess much beter when i am straight.

you know there are 24 hours in a day. when i go to visit my dad (i try to make the trip once a month) i know that each visit might be the last  i'll ever see him. i usuall put off my dose of oxy untill after i go see him. the dope and the pain will always be around...my dad may not. you figure it out. if you've got a rough strech of emotional road ahead, maybe it's best to just get on with dealing with it. the dope will alway be there.

gwh: we've been down the same road for awhile...why not listen up
and try it my way? what have ya' got to lose? i love ya' and care
about what happens to ya', and you can't do one ******* thing about it!

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[suzieneedshelp]

Hey to the infamous Skipper!  And to your wife as well!  I wish i could go to breakfast with you guys one Sunday and to the aa meeting as well.  Of course I have selfish motives to see my Jesse as a bonus!  Anyway, Hope all is well and do me a favor (Skipper's wife) give Jesse one big kiss for me ok?   I won't ask you, Skipper to do that for me.  Although if you'd like then go ahead.  I do not think there is anything wrong with men givng one another affection if they care about each other.  Kinda endearing to me actually.  Which I know you and Jess do care.  Haven't noticed Skipper on here lately.  Hope all is well.
Peace to all!
Suzie

[GOD]

Suzie--
You can't be going around telling Skipper's wife who to kiss... She only has eyes for the Skipper himself!

Kip--
How's the job-hunt going? --And do you have any plans for this Sunday?

Gotta Run.... (28 hours with no sleep.... Must lay down!)

~~~~Jess~~~~
4:54 a.m. Wednesday, November 6th, 2002

[OxyDout]

Thanks for the support, and I agree, which is why I haven't used, it was only the first time I had to go to the hospital that i really thought about using, but after that it didn't cross my mind. I'm definitely moving on past the drugs, I think about them less and less....... I have become, actually I have started to get through my days sober without too much thought on having drugs.  For the first time I'm realizing what its like without being high... its tough at times with the depression but when I go to the gym, I do get that natural high which keeps me going throughout the night.  Thanks again for the post, I greatly appreciate it and hope you are doing well.

regards,

gwh

[suzieneedshelp]

Oh yeah?  We'll see if Skip's wife minds..Or if He minds.  Deal?  Besides that would be our first pseudo kiss...Opppsss...Not the place  here...But...everyone... Jess and I met here so..Its only fair we keep ya up to date on our saga, Right? (other wise i apologise for this message)
Peace and love to you all!
Suzie

[MethMan]

Hello all.
I'm on day 6 of Methadone withdrawals and am facing surgery in about 3 months from now.  I am very concerned about what the doctor will do for pain management.  My surgeon knows about the methadone and that I am off it, but there is going to have to be some sort of pain management after surgery.  I also plan to tell him to watch me like a hawk and give me only the average amount that others without the addiction problem get and NO MORE, NO REFILLS.
When he does prescribe something for post surgery, I will take it exactly as prescribed and let my wife give me the dose when it is time.
Has anyone here faced this?  How do you make sure you don't start all over?  I know I want NO part of being addicted to anything again after this ride I am on now stops.
Any advice?  Anyone been there done that?
Thanks!
Mike