Off and on again

Ok, I'm a long time addict.  About five years ago I went on a three year percocett and loritab craze (well really any narcotic I could obtain legally ie Demerol, moriphine, deladid, etc).  I then got clean for a year.  And as the story gies I relapsed.  I did this for prob 3-4 months.  Then I got clean again for nearly a year before I relapsed.  Of course as happens with most a simple thing got me a script for loritab and the fire began burning inside once again.  Now there are points in the five years I have taken prescription meds for pain and stopped with one script and never going through wd symptoms.  My situation now, or this relapse is a little unique for me.  I've been on loritab 7.5/750 three to four per day I'd guess for around a month to a month and a half.  I'm down to a pill which I currently stare at.  I have not taken one since yesterday.  Now the unique reason I started this binge is after I got this script I found out the troubling news that my gf had cheated on me multiple times.  I found this out and could not wrap my head around it so I swallowed a pill.  It helped me cope so everytime it would wear off I'd pop another and so fourth and so on.  I'm expierincing small wd symptoms like the runs and muscle aches but forced my self to walk twice today.  Now on to the issue, the pills were helping me cope with a devistating situation I'm not sure I can handle on my own.  I'm affraid it will force me into another script.  I knowost advice will be to leave the situation that causes the addiction but it is complicated and it is a long story.  Is it possible to make it through and not pop this last pill and succeed in a situation that caused a relapse?

[Xcalibure]

I guess I should also point out a difference in my addiction.  I started taking the pills five years ago to feel something as I was always emotionally numb.  Perhaps even depressed and the pills helped me to feel things.  Then I met thus girl who stirred up so many emotions within me that a pill could never match...lol now I take the pills to numb the emotions that she infused me with, how ironic is that?  So forgive my ranting as it helps to keep from popping that last pill and keeps me away from ER or dentists to score more as I know I will if I take that last one.

[Xcalibure]

My one saving grace this time however is I have no insurance so everything other then ERs is cash up front with no garuntee of getting a script.  If you wish to look at it as a saving grace.  So without the funds it makes it somewhat harder but not impossible to acquire more but I'm really trying to push that voice out of my head.  

[cleanmom]

It will be very therapeutic for you to flush that last pill down the crapper. Say goodbye. You need to get yourself some recovery care. You can not do this alone. As long as it is secret and you try on your own you will be back at the ER or the dentist or both. This is the biggest lesson i had to learn. We NEED help. Please get yourself some counseling and/or meetings and tell your doctor. They can help. And you are going to have to close the doors on yourself. Another thing i have learned. We are here for you and here to help and support you, however you decide to do this. Get on the wagon with us and keep posting. We are all here for each other. You will be in my prayers, best of luck to you. PM if you need. Luv, Jacky

[cleanmom]

Another thing, no matter the girl or what emotions she has stirred up they are not worth risking your life over. That is what you are doing if you stay on this path. Stay with us, we will get you through. Luv, Jacky

[Xcalibure]

My addiction is well documented amongst family and friends. I've never hid what I was nor looked upon it as shameful.  It was an expierence that I had to go through and came out the other side.  Of course I did stumble on the path.  I'm not affraid to talk about it with anyone except my gf.  I don't want her to know (btw she's an RN at a hospital) she had this effect on me.  Which I know in reality I did it to myself because it was my choice to continue popping pill after pill but she was the motivation, the match that lit the gas so to speak.  Perhaps I should flush the last pill but I know I'm not strong enough for that.  As for meetings and so fourth, I've never once used a support system to get clean.  It always just sort of stopped in my brain so I stopped popping pills.  Is this why I've relapsed twice, not involving more people?  

[cleanmom]

That is absolutely the reason. You NEED support to get and stay clean. Also, try to look through the pill. Meaning if you take that last pill now in a couple hours or less you will be right back here where you are right now, feeling what you are feeling right now. Give it a farewell and get some support, you will have to have it to stay clean.

[Xcalibure]

That is interesting, never thought if it in that sense.  Well I'm nearing 24 hours without a pill so that's progress I guess.  Should I tell her?  Or should I do what I need to do in the dark from her?  I know no one is worth hurting myself for as it's completely ilogical to do so but yet we do.  I'm going to get clean and stay clean this time.  I liked life so much better without the worry of pills.  It felt so good to feel good without substances.  That's where I want to get back to.  And thank you Jacky for taking the time out to respond to my post, it means a lot knowing someone is there.

[Xcalibure]

Ok, still haven't popped the last pill yet.  Two days ago I popped three.  Yesterday I popped two, and today I have taken nothing.  I was going to take it after I walked to get my morning coffee and didn't.  Then I was going to take it after I walked to go get lunch.  I was going to sit down with my meal and feel the buzz one last time and I didn't!  Then I was going to pop it when I got home and have a farewell buzz but I didn't!  Now I'm sitting here feeling as if I really need it but I'm not sure why.  I say it's for the buzz but honestly I haven't buzzed of the dose in a couple of weeks.  How bad will it set me back to pop it?  I've taken less and less over three days but knowing it's there is making me crazy Luke a giant punk elephant in the room.  

[cleanmom]

Popping will make you want more, which we both know will set you back quite a bit. Put the pink elephant in the toilet and forget it. Easier said than done i know, i have been there more times than i can count. But remember taking it isnt going to change your situation in two hours, ya know what i mean?? Go get rid of it and keep talking here if you need, you will get through this. I think it would be a big load off if you tell her and may help you to get and stay clean. I found telling the person i was closest to was key. Given the chance people are more understand and supportive if you are up front and honest than you might expect, and that is what you need right now to beat this.........

[Xcalibure]

I went for a walk and got some ice cream.  I feel a little better.  As I sat there and enjoyed my ice cream I thought about my relapses.  Each time they happened it started with a script for a real pain reason and progressed from there.  Then I got to thinking how do you avoid the relapse?  I mean it's not like cocain, alcohol, x, or numerous other drugs that serve no medical purpose.  How do you go through life and stay clean if in an emergency these pills we become addicted to are used for pain?  An alcoholic can stay away from drinks as a doctor is never going to tell them have a drink to treat a problem.  So what do us addicts do to stay clean?  I know there are non narcotic forms of medications but they do not work for all pain, that's why we have moriphine, Demerol, etc.  So is it ever possible to stay clean and never relapse?  In my case it's like the alcoholic with one more drink when they get a taste after so long sober, you just want more and it never stops at one script in most cases as I observe the forum and posts.  

[ghengiskhan]

Hi X,

Been in and out of recovery for 18years. I am currently struggling with getting off of Roxi's. I am down to 15-30mg per day. About to drop it all togeather. Life is definitly better sober. Doesn't mean we won't have to deal with uncomfotable feelings and situations. But like cleanmom said, we really don't have a choice we will have to deal with life situations weather we want to or not sooner or latter. The lie is that a pill makes things better. As the relapses mount up each one takes nother part of ones selfesteem and shreds it to pieces until there is no confidence in our abilities to stay sober. Thats where the God thing come in (higherpower if God makes you uncomfortable). We are taught to live one day at a time and in surrender to our higher power. For me it wasn't until I had a real and deep spiritual awaking that I began to really get the gift of soberiety. Somehow I have stubbled but I know that God still loves me and you very much, His love is not conitioned on me being perfect. Thats why he sent Jesus for us. Believing in that gives me new hope and faith and a real desire to get back up and step back into the light.

[Xcalibure]

I feel as if Im a failure.  I broke down and took half a pill.  It has taken away all withdrawls but also a little of my self esteem.  

ghengiskhan, God does not make me uncomfortable at all, he is the rock i choose to lean upon as well.  I can't wait for the sober days again.  Perhaps tomorrow I will make it a whole day while taking nothing.  Thank you everyone for your posts.  They mean a lot in helping me to reach my goal.  

BTW posting here helps a great deal as to keep my mind focused, so if I ramble I apologize in advance.

[Xcalibure]

Day two of trying to get clean.  As I stated yesterday I broke down late in the evening and took half a pill.  All wds went away and I felt better.  Today is a much different story though.  I woke up with thoughts of pills on my brain and immediately wanted to take the other half.  However I got up, walked to get coffee, and by the time I returned home I felt like a million bucks.  That feeling has stayed with me as if a fog was lifted and I feel somewhat like my old self and my energy level is up.  I'm not sure what to thank for this miracle but I'm grateful to whatever it is.  I still have issue doing certain activities and thinking, "this would be more fun with pills" but I push the voice away and continue on.  My mood is up and I'm loving life today.  Does anyone know if this is temporary and I'm going to start WDs in the next day or two?  Because oddly I feel close to perfect and haven't had a pill in nearly 24 hours nor do I have the desire to take one even having one.

[cleanmom]

It's likely you are feeling this way because you know somewhere inside you have made the right decision. I too early on had quite a few, "natural highs". Also, exercise is a big help in getting your endorphins going and keeping you feeling good, so keep up the walking and whatever other workouts you can pull off, it helps a lot. Remember to get plenty of support, it will keep you going when nothing else does. Glad to hear you are feeling better, keep going!!!! Luv, Jacky

[Addict63]

A few solid things I've learned just listening to others shairing their stories.

I'm escaping myself with drugs, not problems. As I get cleaner and cleaner, there before me stands I. Who am I? I need to find out, and deal with my past so I can have a future. My 12-step program addresses that.

"I started out as a party user and drinker, then a heavy user and drinker, then a problem user and drinker and now I'm an Addict. Sadly I can never go back to being a problem user and drinker." I heard an addict say that at a meeting. It really helped me accept my disease and move forward with my life.

I don't hear great stuff like above sitting home letting my own thinking fix my own thinking. (heard that at a meeting also)

Drugs no longer work for me. I want my life back.So I decided to not try to do this all by myself.

[Xcalibure]

Day three and once again off to an even better start then yesterday.  I'm nearly 48 hours clean and feel great.  No wd symptoms at all today and no real cravings.  I still find myself thinking certain activities would be more enjoyable with pills but I'm still able to force the thoughts away even more simply then yesterday.  Thank you everyone for your help and support and I'm going to continue posting to help keep my head straight and know where I want to keep going.