On/Off/On Again

[acalicutie]

Hello - I don't have a question - I just feel like writing.  I am a full-blown addict.  Emotionally and physically.  I am addicted to cocaine (although I haven't used since 12/2/1989) but have substituted narcotic painkillers for the coke.  Around the time I stopped using coke, I discovered Vicodin (was taking 8-10 5/500 pills a day), and that's where my addiction to narcotic painkillers started.  I've been off/on since then, with a major relapse about 6 years ago.  I managed to stop COLD TURKEY for about 2.5 years.  I have a chronic illness (Crohn's Disease) that became active 2 years ago, along with resulting arthritis, and now I take 12-17 10/325 Norcos a day.  I know what it's like to go cold turkey, and I congratulate and admire ANYONE who is brave enough to undertake such a feat...I used to think 8-10 Vicodin a day was a lot (which, it is), but what I'm doing now is absolutely insane.  I know I will require assistance to stop this; my doctors have even told me this.  Yet, I continue to ask for it, and they continue to give it to me.  In no way, shape or form, am I blaming anyone other than myself for the situation I'm in...I was just making a statement.  I'm afraid if I don't stop, I will take one too many one day and die.  I am ashamed of myself, to say the least.  I wanted to write because as many of you know, it is extremely difficult to talk to friends or loved ones about this.  I really need some support right now, and I am hoping someone out there will help me.  It really helps me to read other people's posts - to know that my story isn't unique - to know that help is available.  So, I thank you very much for reading my story.  And I thank you for making it possible for me to know I don't have to go through this alone.

KS

[acalicutie]

Hey there - I hope you are having a super day - I'm staring to feel the cravings of wanting more pills - am trying to resist - I guess it's like a smoker and eating - it's lunch time, and I want them now...what do you do when you get like this?

Meow Purr!!!

[PeanutG]

meow purr!!!!

We can do this!!!!

Peanut

[acalicutie]

Sorry - missmetal is me, too - I forgot I had that login  <3

[missmetal]

I say let's do it!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Karen  :-)

[PeanutG]

Hiya Acalicutie

I wanted to respond and let you know that you are not alone.  I'm a 41 year old female with chronic pain problems too.  Some kind of degenerative joint disorder, maybe fibromyalgia, maybe RA - reality is, the docs just don't know.  And so they throw pills at me.  And I take them.  Like you - I'm not blaming them.  I'm the one that puts them in my mouth.

I ran out of my pain meds last friday and went through wd until I could get my script filled on monday.  It was a HUGE wake up call for me.  I see my pain doc tomorrow and am going to start a tapering schedule to get off these stupid pills.  

I have been exactly where you are - heck, I am there now.  I was taking 15+ norcos a day before running out.  Since monday, I have been sticking to the prescribed dosing schedule and am going to start my supervised taper tomorrow.  I strongly urge you to talk to your doc about tapering down.  Some can do it, some cannot.  Maybe you and I can do it together?

I have heard that once off the pain meds, many people find that their pain is NOT as bad as it was while on the meds.  I am wondering myself if the meds are not making my pain worse.  While I was in wd, I actually found that the swelling and stiffness in my fingers and hands was better!  So I dunno.  But the way I see it is I won't know until I get off of everything.

So whaddaya say?  Take my hand?  Let's do this together?

Peace,
Peanut

[acalicutie]

Hi again - I just wanted to say thanks again - I didn't mean to come off abrupt or anything like that - I so appreciate the fact that you took the time to write to me.  I'm still feeling pretty ashamed of myself for taking 8 pills at once last night, but that will go away...I took my usual 3 when I got up, so fortunately or unfortunately I'm feeling a little "better" right now - this so totally *****!

Anyway, have a good day - thanks again.

Karen  :-)

[acalicutie]

Good morning - thank you so much for your post - I feel a little more encouraged this morning.  I have to get ready for work, so you have a great day, and I will write more this evening.

KS

[LeaAnn807]

Honey, you can do this!  It may not be as bad as you think???  I have become quite proficient at WDing over the years, and it's hard no matter what, but if you get some help from a doctor it will be much easier.  CT is difficult, but I have done it.  So have lots of others here.  If you tell your doc that you want to stop but it makes you uncomfortable, then he/she can give you some meds to make it easier.  When you are ready there are some other things we can tell you to help make it easier!

Keep posting!  It's gonna be ok!

[acalicutie]

Hi there - I'm calmer now - got some quality work done on a project.  I still feel like crap, but a little more hopeful.

Thanks again for talking me off the proverbial ledge - hope you are having a good night, and I will check in with you tomorrow.

KS

[avisg]

Stick around others will post as well its a bit slow tonight .Go relax and if I dont see you post again tonight post tommrow let me know how you are doing ...
Avis

[acalicutie]

Hi there - thank you <3 I'm going to make a cup of tea and have that cry now - then go work on some counted cross stitch to calm myself down and hopefully sleep (not pass out) and hope like hell I wake up tomorrow.  I am so ashamed of myself - I don't feel very strong right now.  I have a boyfriend I'm crazy about, and could have seen him tonight, but the drugs won - and I feel even worse.  I feel like I am just a huge mess.

AA/NA is not my thing (I tried NA when I was stopping the cocaine) - but I agree 1000000000% that I need a therapist - there are underlying factors why I continue to let these behaviors take over, and I really need to learn to deal with the factors/behaviors - finally.

You're a Godsend - will check again before I sign off to say good night.

KS

[avisg]

Stop beating yourself up .I think you are ready and I think you can do this. Get a good cry out we all need them sometimes .Start making a plan .You are so right look what you have already been threw you are STRONG .I would also looking into aa/na meeting or if thats not your cup of tea a therapist that has addiction knowledge that will help sooooo much . So get your plan in order and be proud of making this step..

[acalicutie]

Hi again - that's why I finally mustered up the courage to post - I knew there would be someone like you out there.  I have never, until an hour ago, taken 8 pills AT ONCE, and since they've kicked in, I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.  I feel terrible - I will never do that again.  I am just sitting here, wanting to cry, cry, cry and wondering how the hell I'm going to do this.  Wondering how much I should start to taper NOW - I know I can do this - I left an abusive husband after 11 years; I can leave this abusive "relationship," too.  I seriously wish I could do CT RIGHT NOW, but after being on such high doses for so long, have been advised not to do that.  What a vicious cycle/circle this is.  I know beating myself up is not the productive thing to do, but I don't know what else to do right now.  Thank you again.

KS

I will trust you -

[avisg]

Its perfectly normal to be scared but u know what it is bad but its never as bad as we build it up in our minds.If possible I would try a taper to get yourself down even if it just a little bit .reducing one pill a week has been known to be doable for many and it gives your body time to adjust between drops.trust me if you really want this you can do it .. you will find the forum to be very supportive we are really like a big family ,that understands where all of the others have been
avis

[acalicutie]

Hello - thank you SO MUCH for your message - I do want off - I want my life back - there is absolutely NOTHING good about abusing these drugs.  This go-round is so much worse and intense than anything I've been through before, and I am scared.

KS

[avisg]

I understand where you are coming from many of us have felt the same feeling you are .Alot of us have cronic pain issues as well.It can be done you can do it .Some people can taper others find it impossable .It is a really bad week of wds but remember its one week out of what could be a wonderful sober life.At first your pain will seem worse but then it does get better most of us realize our pain was worse on the meds then off .If you want to get off them we will be here to help you threw ...
avis