On again....

Hi everyone. After being off for 5 months following a 5 and a half year stretch of using morphine, oxycodone's, and valuim, my husband and I fell back into pain pills and have been on them for the past 4 months. Now, we're on our first day of "no-More" and I'm not sure how I feel about it. A big part of me doesn't want to try because I don't think my husband is really going to quit. It's always my decision and I'm seeing a pattern of giving in to him because he's the "bread winner". I have alot of people that support me, but hubby is my weakness. I know this life style we're in is wrong and sooo unhealthy for us, but at the same time, it's been a constant for soo long. Can anyone advise me on how to help him see that quitting is the only way. I feel like I'm ready to leave my marriage if he can't commit to quitting with me. I'm going to my doctor to get her help this afternoon. Unfortunately my husband and I come from long lines of substance abuse and I feel really alone in this.

[motherprayforme]

You and I are in the same place.  I was clean for five months and almost lost everything.  Somehow  back where I was.  I've been on a three month tear and flushed over40 pills this morning.  I'm laying on the couch scared too death about the next 4 days.  The chills are bad and only going to get worse.  You pray for me and I'll pray for you.

Hang in there we'll get through this together

[rue10]

Hi.  I feel your pain/frustration.  But, you will be no good to your husband if you don't get yourself clean first.  Right now, if you really want to quit, do it for you.  You are important and you are not alone.  There's God (who loves you unconditionally) and there are wonderful people here to listen to your EVERY concern.  They can offer excellent advice.  I really can't because I had over 600 days off opiates, but have recently relapsed and I'm not on day 9.  But, each day is better than the last.  It is so worth it.  You cannot live for your husband alone.  Believe you're worth a clean and healthy life.  

Stay on here and post your fears, hurts, questions, rants/raves--EVERYTHING.  It is theraputic in and of itself.

I'm praying for you.

God Bless....Rue.

I'm praying for you

[opiateswon]

I'm going to my doctor at 2 to get clonidine and benzo for the sinus crap. I am right there with you. I love my husband but I don't like what has become of us and I cannot be apart of the pills anymore. I want my life back, for me. If he's still here in the end, it's meant to be, if not, I will be. Try hot baths, lots of water, and vitamins... Thats whats helping me. Your in my prayers.

[opiateswon]

Thank you soo much for your post and I do believe everything you've written. I find myself giving in to hubby because I love him so unconditionally. Then I am angry at myself afterwards for how far apart on this journey him and I are. I have to do this for me, for my hopes and dreams. I will keep you posted. Prayers for you. Wish I had more days under my belt.

[slim01]

I been of pills for 4 days I still have back pain and craveings but all n all I feel better how long before I feel 100

[martikadragoon]

Opiateswon~

I'm on day 8 of no Norco. I dreampt last night that I took one. I have taken them for back pain for the last 19 months. My doctor prescribed them and any other meds. BUT I decided to try and stop C/T. after some initial hellish back pain for a couple days and the lethargy i'm now feeling better. and today woke up for the FIRST time with NO back pain!

it's crazy that I feel so good. : ) Keep going.

[opiateswon]

I really don't think we ever get 100% back, but it's what we make of what we have. I'm probably wrong and just didn't make it to 100% before I caved. I hope everything goes well for you. My thoughts are with you.

[opiateswon]

wow 8 days? That's great and cold turkey at that. Even more impressive. Hubby wants me to wean him down and I just don't want to be around it anymore. Lot's of searching in my soul to do. Hang in there and keep pushing forward.

[slim01]

4 days cold turkey was hard enough I can't imagine going 4 more days if I don't start feeling a lot better I hope every 1 makes there goal only thing keeping me moveing forward is I don't wanna lose the 4 days I worked so hard for but I'm close

[rue10]

You will have more days under your belt--one day at a time.  Just keep believing that you are worth the effort.  You deserve to live life clean.  You deserve to be happy.  If you put good stuff in, you get good stuff out.

Blessings....Rue.

[moonshyne777]

I am in a similar situation and many here have told me that I need to focus on my recovery and not worry what he's doing. Easier said then done of course but it's the truth. If your serious about getting off these you need a solid support system in place. That could mean attending NA meetings, a substance abuse counsellor and of course posting here. This place is great for support. You can't control what other ppl do but you need to do what's best for you. Have you both detoxed before? Although it should be a last resort, methadone has it's place in recovery if numerous attempts at quitting opiates hasn't worked but again IMO it should be the last resort. Focus on you and don't let what someone else does, even your husband, decide your fate. You need to do some real soul searching, I've been doing a lot myself.. Not sure if he and I are going to be together forever but I do know that I'm the only one that can change my ways and vice versa. Good luck and I hope your hubby stays on board with you but no matter what do what you need to do for yourself.

[opiateswon]

Went to my appointment and was prescribed clonidine, trazadone, and hydroxyzine for withdrawl (withdrawal) symptoms. I am very hopeful that this is it. Because if I screw up again, it's time for treatment. I'm nervous and anxious, but only for me. Hubby's choice has to be his. Lot's of hot baths and video games ahead. Rented movies for later. Little positives to keep the mind off tonight lol. So wanted to stop for a beer or a bowl but not wanting to switch 1 addiction to another. Thank all of you for your responses and feedback. You all give me strength to make this work. Doctor described the withdrawls as a "re-birthing process" in which our new better "selves" will emerge. I like this thought. It gives me hope for tomorrow. Will check in later. God bless.

[blahsville]

Hang in there!  It will get better I promise you.  you saying you dont want to give up that four days is so on point, why waste all that pain and suffering.  you know you want to stop, you know you want your life back, so dont lose that hard won four days that you should be so proud of.

Find inspiration in other things, get those endorphines pumpin' au naturale. One thing that works for me is music.  especially certain songs that talk about fighting, like fight the good fight by triumph its one of my favs for that catergory, but heck I was listening to TNT by ACDC this morning and loving it...pumping myself up  CUZ IM TNT IM DYNAMITE!!  TNT AND I'LL WIN THE FIGHT!!...well u know lol

btw Im on day three of getting clean from years long pain pill addition (former heroin user (13 yrs ago))  anything that helps me to remember what a bad a$$ woman I am and I can beat this just because it's what I want.

we're bigger than this addition slim, we can do this.  you are certainly not alone, and heck youre a day ahead of me  wtg!

sending up some prayers for you and for all the rest of you out there  much love to my fellow bad A's that are fighting the good fight with me xo

[opiateswon]

Day 2 for me and hubby. Not as bad as we remembered from quitting previously. Kids think we're weird for taking hot baths together and going to bed when they do, but oh well. I'm a manager and set my own schedule so I'm taking things pretty easy today. Hubby had to do serious labor at his job yesterday and his back is really hurting him. Trying to find alternative cures to help him deal with the physical pain. We're both in okay spirits and so thankful we were able to sleep last night. Haven't started the clonidine yet as anxiousness and blood pressure have been pretty mellow and I want it work when I actually need them. Am sooo blessed to not be in so much withdrawl (withdrawal) I cant take it anymore. Been there and done that. Still trying to focus on a new path and make it happen. Thanks everyone for being here and sharing your thoughts. Hope I can help someone someday the way this group is helping us. Staying positive and your thoughts on after this withdrawl (withdrawal) is over, help keep me focussed.

[cleanmom]

Hi,

Congrats to you and hubby on your 2 days!! You are both working hard. Just keep your eye on the prize and all will work out.

I think waiting on the clonidine until you are sure you need it is an excellent idea. Mainly because as addicts we tend to take pills even when we don't need to (addiction), so breaking this pattern of behavior is important to our recovery.

Are you two doing anything for recovery care? My substance abuse counselor is my favorite because we get to work one on one with the issues that are mine alone. You will need all the outside support you can get. I have been through detox many times too but never saw any length of sobriety until i went after some recovery care.

Check into it and keep posting, it helps. We are here for you.........

Jacky

[opiateswon]

Day 3 and sooo sore. I replaced my fence yesterday and pushed myself through some other small things that needed done. Not really feeling like talking to other humans in my physical world yet. For me, the decision to quit was not based on my using effecting my normal life or anyone even knowing I was on them. I have always been ashamed of how much control they've had on me. When I was given pain meds in '03, I didn't even try them until 24 hours into a crushed vertabre in my neck and severe whip-lash to my spine from a bad car accident. At that point, I took them for pain and nothing else. I would say it only took the first year of being on morphine 60mg ER 3 times a day, 15mg oxycodone 3 times a day and an array of muscle relaxers and such before my reality or sense of self no-longer existed. I only came off all of these last year and still continued opiates through my run-in with cancers. Perks mainly as vike's made me sick. Never took oxycotin as I KNEW I would get hooked I guess. I'm able to replay the last 7 years of my life and can see how much control pills have on me, my marriage, and my self distructive behaviors. I do fear that because my husband and I have used for the past 7 years, that we will not be able to have a healthy relationship without pills. Not really for me but his use has always been different then mine. His reasons a little more unhealthy then mine. The pills have made me hate him at times for the craziness it brought out of us both and I have actually filed for divorce before to get out of the cycle we were in. I can't focus on if he'll make it and be sober anymore. I love him more then I've ever loved in my life, but I must do this for me alone. I am my priority now.

[JessieJade]

First of all, congrats on your 3 days. Just keep telling yourself that every day will get better. I firmly believe in the whole mind over matter thing... I'm only on day 5, and I honestly don't remember ever feeling this 'awake'. I had a few month stretch clean before- only to end up relapsing. I hate to say it, but I think it's almost necessary for some of us. It took my previous relapse to make me realize I can NEVER be a recreational user again. If we start, we will fall back into that dark, lonely place. Live & learn. I would be lying if I said this time around was easy, but I feel like I've been given a new lease on life. I agree with your doctor: April 11, 2010 was the day I was reborn. I forgot what it felt like to 'feel'. To wake up with such a clarity & actually *notice* the sunshine. It's so weird to laugh and mean it. I've been giggling a lot. It's almost uncomfortable..my laughter had been forced for so long. I'm starting to remember that I'm naturally a happy person. Opiates are the biggest liars. I am not that girl that's sometimes happy and talks nonstop one hour, then a b!tch from hell- the next. Im not that girl that isolates herself from her family & husband [never allowing him to touch her because she's too irritable or 'coming down']. Opiates made me not give a chit. That's the reason I became addicted.. and all these years later, the exact reason I will never touch another as long as I live. It feels SO good to care (really truly care) again.
I hope you can work things out in your marriage. You are your #1, but it looks like hubby deep down wants to quit. If he keeps relapsing then you have to do what you have to do to regain control of your life. Meanwhile, I hope you can get to know eachother again and remember the reason you married eachother in the first place. You seem like a strong woman- you got this. Good luck to you both. :) hugs (:

[opiateswon]

Yes, I agree with all you've written. Somedays are harder then others and I've promised to spend my energy on "me" not worrying about hubby. We relapsed cause we thought we had control over our use and I had proceedures to deal with cancer so I always had a script from the surgeon's. In october, I was completely honest with my doctor about the years of prescription drugs and who my last doctor really was. She was the one who had to tell me I had cancer and I had to trust someone.
When I quit last time, I think I wanted to quit for me but was preoccupied with guilt over hubby having to do so much work while I was struck in bed and I gave in to his need for quality of life, his idea of it anyway. This time, I cannot give in to either one of us. Time is too precious and I need my sobriety. I force myself through tedious tasks just to prove I'm in here somewhere. I know he is struggling so I try to do little things to show him I'm here and I understand. Was a little shocking to look at myself in the mirror this morning and see my eyes so different. Dialated pupils and all but I wasn't so repulsed as I usually am from my person shame of being an addict. At one second at a time today, but enjoying some aspects of awareness. I can't begin to express the immeasurable help this forum has given me. I'm thankful for all of you beyond words.